PART VII: ATTEMPTED ESCAPE

"Mulan, you'll nevah get away wid dis!" Snipes yelled. He was in Mulan's seaside castle. She had him locked in a dungeon. Like an animal.

"Oh, you silly boy. I get away with everything." She cackled softly. "You think your stupid little friends can save you now? I'd like to see them try." She cackled again.

"Can you not cackle? It's getting on my nerves."

"I didn't bring you hear so I could cater to your every need!" Mulan warned menacingly.

Snipes made a face and shook the bars of his cell as hard as he could.

"Don't tire yourself, little Snipeshooter. That cell is powered by magic," Mulan explained with another cackle.

"You don't have any magic," Snipes said.

"You, it isn't my magic, it's someone else's." Mulan cackled yet again. This is the fourth time, in case you forgot.

*I'm never going to get out of here,* Snipes thought. But wait! What was that? A bottle of poison, perhaps? Yes! Rat poison! And so conveniently close to the cell, too. But how would he get her to drink it...how?

*Oh, look! I can take off the label and set it in plain sight so she might drink it! But that would never work...* Snipes felt the tears streaming down his face. He sobbed. And he sobbed and he sobbed some more. He sobbed for many hours. But then he stopped. He had spotted something that he had not seen before. The keys. They keys to his cell. They might be in his reach if he stretched his arm to its full length. Carefully, trying not to make a sound, he slipped his arm out of the cell, reaching, REACHING for the keys. He just had to reach a little further, then the keys would be his.

*Reach*, he told himself. *REACH!*

And he reached. He reached and reached and reached. But he still couldn't get his hands on the keys.

"This is hopeless," he muttered. "I suck. I suck at everything. I suck at getting keys! I suck at saving my friends! I suck at colors!" He looked down and saw something shiny and red. "Ooo, licorice!" he squealed. "I love dat stuff!" Snipes picked the candy up and shoved it into his mouth. "Nummy, candy is good."

"I bet it is," Mulan said coldly. "Now give it to me. I see the other piece you're hiding. Give it to me...NOW!"

*This is my chance*, he thought. Quickly pouring rat poison on the piece of candy, he gave it to her.

She took a bite. "This has an interesting taste. What flavor is it?" she asked.

"Rat poison," he said calmly.

"Rat poison..."

"Yeah. Have some more!" He threw the glass bottle of poison at her. She fell back as it hit her and in doing so, kicked the keys right into the keyhole. The keys turned, unlocking the door, and Snipes ran out of the castle, taking the keys with him.

"You little streetrat!" Mulan screamed. "AH!!!"

Once Snipes had escaped from the dungeons of Mulan's castle (he had tried to get OUT of the castle, but he realized he had no idea how to do that) he ran down the hall, insanely happy, but also a little frightened. With good reason, eh? He wanted to sing. But he wanted to sing a song that sang of fear and anger, not sing a song that sang a song of singing and laughter and singing songs that sang of happiness. Whoa, wait...Snipes was confused. He didn't know what door to take! Which door to take, which door to take? If he took the door on the right would there be cake? Or the door on the left, would he be charged with theft? He didn't know. It was going to snow! And there was NOTHING he could do about it! "Oh, what I wouldn't give for some popcorn right now," he mumbled. "With REAL butter. None of that glorified floor wax for me."

Suddenly, a phantom menace rose up in front of him! I guarantee you, neither Snipes nor myself are Star Wars fans. So get that thought out of your little mind! Eh? Heh? Good.

"STAY AWAY FROM ME!!" Snipes screamed, whipping the keys around his body in a whirlwind of steel and fury. The phantom menace gave a cry of anguish and was vanquished for the time being. "Whew," Snipes sighed in relief. One foe defeated with. But how many more would there be before he escaped this place? It was like hell on earth!

"Yeah," Snipes panted thoughtfully as he ran. "That's exactly what it's like! Hell on earth!"

"Is dat wot yuu tink oof uus?" a frightening mixture of Norwegian, German, and Klingon accents. It was only one voice, and it was speaking English, or whatever language Snipes could understand, but those were the accents that it had. "Wee ah nuut heel un urth."

Snipes wheeled around (which was actually pretty stupid; since the voice was behind him, it was presumable that the owner of the voice was as well, and he could have kept running untroubled. But he wheeled around.

A huge hummingbird was standing there. It was green and red and white, with big, cartoony eyes, a flower on its beak, and a mouth. At the moment, it was pouting, a very odd expression for a hummingbird. Actually, it's a very odd expression for any kind of bird. "Wee ah noot heel un urth!" the giant hummingbird exclaimed.

"Noo, wee ah noot!" another voice that sounded exactly the same (maybe a little deeper, Snipes decided) agreed. Another oversized animal came into view, though this time it was a raccoon holding some kind of cookie in one of its paws.

"What the hell?" Snipes mumbled. Now would have been the ideal time to make a run for it, while both the oversized animals were pouting (for indeed, the raccoon had the same expression on its face as the hummingbird), but he was too stunned to move.

"Muwan gave uus de abeelty to speak," the raccoon explained. It only took Snipes approximately thirty seconds to decipher the strange accent with which the raccoon spoke. "Mayee name ees Mikoh."

"Mikoh...?" Snipes mumbled, astounded. Dear god, if these things were indebted to Mulan, then they would probably do anything for her.

"Noo! MEE...KOH!" the oversized raccoon yelled in anger.

"Ind I em Fleet," the hummingbird offered.

"Fleet..."

"NOO! FLIT!" the oversized hummingbird yelled. "Doon't see mayee name wong! Doon't doon't doon't!"

"Okay! Jesus Christ!" Snipes yelled back, finally breaking the spell of awe that held him steadfast. He began to run away from the oversized animals, hoping and believing with all his heart that he could escape from two fat, ugly animals such as they were.

"Geet bok heeya!" Flit screamed.

"No!" Snipes shouted, exhilarated by the sense of freedom he was experiencing.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Meeko shrieked, throwing himself at Snipes and coming down on the boy with a loud, flabby thud.

"Wheere did eet go?" Meeko asked, confused. He sat up and found Snipes plastered to the ground. "Ooh. Oops."

The two fat, ugly animals peeled him off the ground and brought him to a dungeon cell different than the one he'd been in before.

He laid there, wheezing, before picking himself up and leaning against the back wall with his head hanging.

"Oh, Mr. Banana Brain, we'll never get out of here," a mournful voice lamented.

"Sure we will," another voice, one that sounded remarkably like the last, only higher, comforted.

"How? That mean lady's got us locked in here, and there're no keys. No rat poison, either." A long sigh. "We're both gonna die in here...behind bars...no toys...no playtime..."

"Oh, would you just shutup?!" another voice exclaimed from a cell on Snipes's other side. "What about me? I haven't recharged for THREE MONTHS! This place is like a concentration camp!"

"Deal with it, Sparky."

"Don't call me Sparky!"

"What are you gonna do? You said yourself you haven't recharged for three months! You can't touch me, na na-na na naaaa na!"

"Shutup, duck!"

Snipes bothered to look up at this strange outburst. The first voice that had spoken belonged to a human-sized duck dressed in a jester costume. The second voice belonged to the jester duck's banana puppet, and the voice on the other side belonged to a human-sized rat/dog/weasel creature who had his face smashed up against the bars of his cell and his arms stuck through into Snipes's. The boy felt the tears streaming down his face. Who were these crazy people? And what WAS that rat/dog/weasel creature? Well, obviously it was a rat/dog/weasel creature, but there had to be a soul within that rat/dog/weaseliness!

"Why don't you shutup?!" the duck yelled.

"Why don't you?!"

Snipes couldn't take any more of this bickering. "STOP YOUR BICKERING!!!" he screeched.

"Did you know he was here?" asked the rat/dog/weasel creature.

"No, did you?"

"Deep breaths, take deep breaths," Snipes told himself. Once he had calmed down, he approached the middle of his cell. Very slowly, carefully pronouncing each syllable, he said, "My name is Snipes. Sniiiiiipppessss."

"Look, we can speak English, kid," the jester duck snapped.

"Oh!" Snipes blushed furiously. "So, what're your names?"

The rat/dog/weasel creature spoke first. "My name is HIGHLY confidential."

"Quackerjack." The duck pointed to himself with these words, then at the other creature. "He's Megavolt."

Snipes stared at the puppet. "And...um...who's that?"

"Mr. Banana Brain," Megavolt snickered. "A figment of Quacky's imagination."

"Hey! Watch it Sparky! Mr. Banana Brain doesn't take kindly to insults directed at his person!"

"That's right, Sparky," Mr. Banana Brain confirmed.

"DON'T call me SPARKY," Megavolt growled through gritted teeth.

"Hey! Quiet down down here!" Mulan screeched suddenly, swooping into the room. Megavolt and Quackerjack screamed and covered their heads while she pulled out two large guns.

"No, Mrs. Mulan, don't hurt us!" Megavolt whimpered, turning his face up to her.

Mulan just cackled. She did that a lot. And she was pitiless, Snipes realized. She'd crush them all like little bugs! Like little magpies! No, wait, magpies were birds, not bugs. What was the word he was looking for...? Oh! Oh YEEAAH! Maggots! She'd crush them all like little MAGGOTS! He began to cry, the tears streaming down his face like so many rivers of shattered hopes and dreams! Noooo! The little sobbing boy began to beat the ground with his fists, and this caused Mulan, Quackerjack, and Megavolt to stare at him.

"Shut him up!' Mulan ordered. Megavolt and Quackerjack looked at each other helplessly and the Mighty Huntress shouted again, "Shut him up or one of you gets it!"

"Give him a lollipop!" Megavolt exclaimed.

"I don't have one!"

"You're a clown! Like you don't have candy!"

"I have candy!" Mulan cackled. "But you're not getting any! Ha ha haha ha HAAA!"

"Hey kid," Megavolt attempted. "Be quiet! We're all gonna die if you don't!" More sobbing. "Hey! Hey! Quacky will give you candy!"

"I will not!" Quackerjack objected.

"He'll give you toys!" To Quackerjack, he said, "Give him you puppet. You don't need him."

"Are you crazy?!"

"I thought we knew that already!"

"Okay, that's it!" Mulan yelled. Her voice was suddenly a lot deeper. "Now you're going to get it!" She pulled the triggers of the two large guns. Out of one shot a barrage of banana cream pies, all of which hit Quackerjack in the face. Out of the other shot a jet-stream of water, which blasted into Megavolt at fifty million miles per hour. He shorted out, so the water actually ended up doing a lot more damage than the banana cream pies. I mean, c'mon, who doesn't want a banana cream pie shot at him/herself?

Mulan threw the smoking guns down. "Next time it'll be a lot worse."

"Die crustacean!" Quackerjack yelled at Mulan's receding back. Then he ate the banana cream pie guts off his face.

"Are you a witch?!" a man that looked and sounded amazingly like both Dr. Mordrid AND Herbert West questioned sharply.

"Do I look like a witch to you?" Quackerjack demanded.

"Oh. Guess not. Sorry."

"Yeah, you should be. Hey Megs! Get up!"

Megavolt coughed, and rings of blue smoke drifted from his mouth. "I can't take this anymore! I gotta break out! I'm crazy enough without rotting away in here getting even crazier!" he ranted.

"Don't start crying!" Quackerjack exclaimed. "You remember what happened last time! You shorted out! Mr. Banana Brain stuck to you for two weeks, you were so negatively charged!"

Tears welled up in Megavolt eyes, threatening to stream down his face at any moment. "It doesn't matter! It's gone! All the electricity is gone! I'll never get it back!"

Quackerjack threw Mr. Banana Brain at Megavolt, and the puppet hit the latter's head with a clunk. "Snap out of it!" Quackerjack ordered. "And gimme Mr. Banana Brain back," he added plaintively.

"Look, do you guys wanna get outta here, or not?" Snipes asked, annoyed.

They both nodded.

"Okay. Then I have a plan. Because if you DIDN'T wanna get out, I probably wouldn't have a plan--"

"Yeah yeah, we get it. So what's the plan?"

"I don't know. But I HAVE a plan."

PART VIII: SUSPICIONS

Boots and Vitani trudged through the desert sand.

"Why did I have to be with you, anyway?" she growled.

"Hey, this ain't no tea an' crumpets for me, either!" he shouted.

"Shows what you know!" Vitani fought. "You don't drink tea with crumpets!"

"Yes you do!"

"Silence!"

They both looked up.

"I am the terror...that flaps in the night! I...am the newspaper...that just won't sell! I...am Darkwiiiiiing...Duck!"

The two stared blankly at the duck wearing a purple suit, mask, cape, and hat. Well, actually, the hat was black and purple.

"This is the part where you say, "Argh, Darkwing Duck, my arch-enemy!"

"But..." Boot began, only to be shoved out of the way by Vitani.

"Look, buster, I don't know who you are, but I don't like you invading my turf!" she snarled.

"Your TURF?" The duck laughed. "In case you hadn't noticed, you're in the middle of a desert. However, I am here to stop your atrocious actions!"

"I have wax in my mouth!" Boots shrieked suddenly at the top of his lungs.

Vitani slapped him upside the head. "Shutup!"

"No!" Boots yelled. He felt the tears stream down his face. "It's like...like I don't belong here! No one cares about me! No me...or the wax build-up in my mouth! YOU took away my victory!" In the middle of his sob-story, Boots's voice suddenly became about three octaves deeper. "For that I'll have your HEAD! CHICKEN!!!!!!"

Vitani looked to the sobbing heap of the ground (Boots), then to Darkwing. "I only met the kid yesterday, honestly," she lied.

"I get. Let's get you tikes to the local jail." He grabbed Boots's arms, then Vitani's.

"Why?" Vitani questioned. "We're standing out in the middle of some desert that shouldn't even be here, and he's freaking out because of wax build-up in his mouth. There's nothing here to rob. And there's no jail."

Darkwing blinked. "You actually have a point there."

"Yeah, no kidding."

With a sigh, the duck sat down in the sand of the desert that shouldn't have been there. "You know, I think the problem is that I'm just way too suspicious. I see someone, and wham! I'm accusing them of some detestable dereliction."

"It's in your nature," Vitani consoled him. "I mean, you ARE a crimefighter. That's what makes you so good at what you do. You KNOW when something's going on. And then you have the guts to go out there and stop it! It's a gift, not a curse! A blessing! So whaddaya say?"

"That you two are up to something."

"NoooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooOOOOOOOOo oooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" Boots howled.

Vitani kicked him. "We're not, Mr. Duck. But we CAN tell you someone who is..."

~