PART XI: THE HOUSE

"You're plan just won't do, Lou!"

"I agree," Quackerjack agreed.

Megavolt rolled his eyes. "Of course you do. It's your puppet."

"Y'know what? I don't make fun of your friends, so I don't think you should make fun of mine."

The rat/dog/weasel creature leaned against the wall of his cell and crossed his arms over his chest. "Hey," he said suddenly. "Where'd this come from?"

"What?" Quackerjack questioned.

Megavolt picked up a small video camera, just as all their cells opened.

"What's going on?" Snipes asked fearfully.

Quackerjack and Megavolt glanced at each other. "The house..." the duck began, "...the house is alive."

"What?!" Snipes gasped.

Tinkering with the camera, Megavolt said in a rather unconcerned tone, "We have to get out. Or we're all gonna die."

Shaking his head disbelievingly, the newsie said, "That isn't possible!"

Suddenly, there was a tremendous shaking, as if a giant earthquake was rocking the earth.

"Lockdown," Quackerjack whispered hoarsely. "C'mon, let's get out of here."

The three prisoners stepped out of their mysteriously unlocked cells and carefully made their ways across the basement--er, I mean--dungeon.

"How can a house kill us?" Snipes breathed. "It's not alive."

Megavolt sighed. "Yeah kid, it is. It's alive. This house has no morals...because it's a fucking house!"

Shuddering, the newsie remarked doubtfully, "I still don't believe it."

After a second, Megavolt peered at the camera's viewscreen and gasped, "Oh man, this is bad."

"What? WHAT? WHAT?!" Snipes demanded.

Gulping, the rat lowered the camera and stared ahead at...absolutely nothing.

"What?" Quackerjack glanced at the wielder of the camera, a look of terror in his eyes. "Megs...?"

Nobody could know what Megavolt was seeing. In front of him was an operating table, around which stood several doctors and surgeons...frightening men in white coats. A twitching...victim...was on the table. After several seconds, the doctors looked up--straight at Megavolt. He lowered the camera again. Their eerie, dead gazes were gone. Nothing was there. He raised the camera again, and there the specters were, unmoving. Unmoving, except for the fact that they were now holding scalpels and various other horrifying instruments of torture.

Megavolt turned around slowly, now completely unaware of his companions. In the darkness of the dungeon door, a dark, sinister figure stood. He squinted, trying to identify the shadow.

And at that moment, the figure rushed into the light, its face contorting hideously.

Quackerjack and Snipes watched as a scream tore loose from Megavolt's throat and blood poured from his mouth before he was sucked into the floor, leaving a pool of red spreading out across the cold, black stones.

"We ARE gonna die!" Snipes wailed, dropping to his knees. "I don't wanna die!"

Something caught Quackerjack's eye, and he bent down to pick it up. A single lightbulb, dropped by Megavolt...all that remained of him. Quackerjack felt the tears stream down his face. He'd never had a friend like Sparky! Actually, he'd never had any friends, so...Megavolt had been special! His one true friend, insane enough to stand in the same room as the toymaker while he was inventing something! And now he was gone! Taken by the house! The damned house!

"Damn you!" Quackerjack screamed, dropping to his knees as well and raising his clenched fists above his head. "Damn you all to hell!!!" Noticing Snipes next to him, he leapt to his feet, shouting, "And you! How can you only think about yourself at a time like this?! What about me?! How do you think I feel?! The house just KILLED Megavolt!" Turning away from the boy, he yelled, seemingly to nobody, "You killed Megavolt!! MY BEST FRIEND!!!"

"What about me?" Mr. Banana Brain asked, tears streaming down his face.

"You're my second best friend. Anyway, Megavolt just died."

"I wouldn't be so sure," a new voice remarked.

Upon seeing who it was, Quackerjack decided it wasn't so new. The man who had previously accused them of witchcraft was standing in another doorway. He was attired in a black dress thing, tights, a really ugly black hat, and large, round spectacles.

"Who ARE you?!" the duck questioned. "I keep seeing you! You're always down here! And you're always asking me if I'm a witch! Oh...what do you mean?"

"Well, to answer your first question...my name is Francisco. I'm...a scribe here. Under Mulan's direction." He paused for a moment. "You're right, the house IS alive. The ghosts of the victims of the atrocities committed here only add to the evil, and it festers, like a malignant scourge on this earth..."

"The house is NOT alive," Snipes said, determined not to believe what everyone was saying. He wouldn't believe this nonsense! No one could make him! He felt the tears stream down his face. "I just wanna get out of here," he wept.

Quackerjack kicked the boy over. "What did you mean about Sparky not being dead?"

"Sometimes," Francisco explained, "the house--well, it's more of a seaside castle, really--takes someone just to torture him. I fear that's what has happened to your friend."

"Oh great, so the psycho HOUSE put him on a rack or something?" Quackerjack sighed disgustedly. "Seriously, it has NO idea how selfish it's being."

"It's a house," Francisco reminded him.

"Whatever. And I meant to ask you, WHAT are you WEARING?"

Francisco looked down at his outfit. "It wasn't my first choice, but Mulan insisted I wear it."

"You guys seem pretty close," Quackerjack quipped nastily.

"No we don't."

"You're right," Quackerjack admitted. "It just seemed like the right thing to say."

"No one's listening to me!" Snipes shrieked, tears streaming down his face in a raging torrent.

"Shutup, kid, this is a conversation between two ADULTS," Quackerjack said loftily.

"But no one's listening to me!" he cried.

"Silence!" Francisco shouted. He slammed his large book on a table.

"Y'know what? Maybe I don't want to be SILENT!" Snipes screamed.

"Chill, Bill," Mr. Banana Brain advised.

"If that...that STUPID PUPPET rhymes ONE more time, I might KILL it!" He felt the tears stream down his face in fury.

"Don't you EVER threaten Mr. Banana Brain AGAIN!" Quackerjack shouted angrily. "And stop yelling at him!"

"Make me," Snipes growled. "Why don't YOU stop yelling at ME? Huh?! Eh?! Hey? Huh?! Eyay?!" He started laughing insanely, rolling on the floor.

"It's the house," Francisco stated.

There was a rumbling noise and the house shook. Francisco turned to a group of televisions hanging from the ceiling. One of them showed a strange man moving in a strange manner. He looked straight at the camera. From behind his back, he whipped out a meat cleaver. His eyes sparkled with a crazed glee, and he threw back his head and laughed soundlessly.

"Dear god!" Francisco exclaimed. "We've got to get out of this castle!"

"Hey, I think I've seen that guy around," Quackerjack commented thoughtfully.

"That's Dr. Vannecut," Francisco murmured.

"Who?" He turned to the duck. "Dr. Vannecut," he repeated. Dramatic music played. "Mulan's father."

~

PART XII: MANY MANIC MORPHING MUTANTS

"So let me get this straight," Darkwing began. "There's someone named 'Mulan the Mighty Huntress' and she's HUNTING you and your friends?"

"Actually, she killed one of his friends," Vitani offered, pointing to Boots. "But some wacko brought him back to life."

"And you two are looking for...who was it?"

"My brother, Nuka, and two more of Boots's friends." Vitani paused. "Some alien kidnapped my brother."

"You said that," Darkwing informed her.

"I did?"

"Yeah."

Suddenly, a swirling portal opened in the desert. Sand was picked up and flung about wildly. Darkwing and Vitani threw up their arms to protect their eyes (Boots was still lying on the ground) and when they looked again, a young Asian woman with short black hair was standing there.

Vitani gasped. "MULAN!!!" she shrieked, extending her claws and leaping for the woman.

The woman quickly and agilely ducked out of the way. "Do I know you?"

"Don't give me that! You know who I am!" Vitani shouted angrily.

"No, I don't," she persisted.

"Where are all of the innocent citizens that you imprisoned in your Castle of Darkness?!" Vitani's mouth hung open slightly.

"Look, I don't know what you're talking about." Mulan began to walk away.

"Yes, you do!" Vitani yelled.

"Vitani, she doesn't know what you're talking about!" Darkwing insisted.

"How would YOU know?!" the cub demanded.

"Because I--"

"No, wait, it's okay, we--"

"--am the terror," Darkwing interrupted, "that flaps in the night!"

"Stop it!"

"I am the toaster--"

"STOP IT!!" Vitani screeched.

"--that refuses to pop your toast!" Darkwing paused. "I am Darkwing Duck!"

"WE DON'T CARE!" Boots and Vitani chorused.

"You don't?"

"NO!"

"Excuse me, what if I care?" Mulan spoke up.

"We don't care if you care!" Boots and Vitani chorused again.

"That's kind of rude," she mumbled.

Boots and Vitani began bobbing their heads up and down, chorusing, "We are rude; we are rude; la la la la; we are rude!"

Mulan looked to Darkwing, as he was the only sane--er, I mean--least insane of the three, but the crimefighter just shrugged. "The desert must be playing tricks on their minds," Mulan told him.

Bootsss...

The boy's head snapped up and he looked around wildly. "Who said that?" he yelled.

Everyone looked at him. "Who said what?" the chorused.

Bootsss...they can't hear me...only you can hear me...

"It's in my brain!" Boots shouted.

That'ssss right...

"Get it outta my brain!" Boots shouted.

I won't leave you...ever...I'll ssstay with you...forever...

"Arghuhrga," Boots arghed, gnawing on his hand.

Vitani felt the tears stream down her face. What had the crazy, perverse, twisted authors done to Boots? Suddenly, it hit her like a ton of bricks glued together with peanut butter. She cared about Boots! She didn't like seeing him like this!

So, the lioness padded over to Boots, took his face in her paws, and kissed him. Birds began to sing, and the desert became a garden in full bloom.

"Whoa," Boots said. He looked at Vitani. "I thought you hated me?"

The expression on her face was something akin to complete repulsion. "I DO! Oh my GOD, how could I have just KISSED you?! YUCK!"

Darkwing just looked sick. "Gosalyn's about that age," he mumbled queasily

"So..." Boots put an arm around Vitani's shoulders. "Now that we're GOING OUT--"

She pushed him into a gushing river.

"HELP!!" he screeched.

Vitani looked at Darkwing, horrified at what she'd just done. "SAVE HIM!"

Darkwing ran along the riverside, all the way shouting breathlessly, "I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am the drought that won't let your rivers refill! I am Darkwiiiing Duck!"

The river didn't respond.

"Don't just yell [gurgle]!" Boots screamed/gurgled. "Hel--[gurgle] me!"

"I'm trying, I'm trying!" Darkwing shot his gas gun (only this time it shot a large suction cup attached to a rope instead of gas) at Boots, desperate to get a hold of the little newsboy.

It missed and began its journey through the deep blue river. Actually, it was more of a brown color.

"You can't shoot that thing for beans!" Vitani scoffed.

"Oap! Newsie experience!" Darkwing shouted happily.

Suddenly, something flashed by Darkwing and dove into the river.

"What's going on?!" Vitani demanded. Who was that?! WHAT'S GOING ON?! WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON???!!!!"

"Hey!" Darkwing said harshly. "This whole mess is your fault! If you hadn't pushed him in then he wouldn't be...um...be...in there!"

"Well if he hadn't touched me then I wouldn't've had to push him in!"

"Well maybe if you hadn't KISSED him then he wouldn't've gotten it into his head that the two of you are a couple!"

Vitani gave a shocked and hurt gasp. "Are you saying this is MY fault?!"

Before Darkwing could respond, something shot out of the river and landed on the bank. It was Mulan, and she was holding a dripping wet, limp Boots in her arms. The little newsboy began to choke, and Mulan exclaimed, "Keep coughing; keep coughing! I can help you!"

Boots very suddenly jumped back, completely fine. "No, that's okay, I don't need help. But...thank you."

"For what?" Mulan asked curiously.

Boots mumbled something, causing Mulan to grow puzzled, so he repeated while blushing furiously, "Thanks for saving my life."

Vitani felt the tears stream down her face in happiness, but then she realized the author just wanted to make it an even thirty and stopped. "You idiot," she berated the newsie. "What kind of moron falls into a river?"

"Um, I didn't FALL IN--" He stopped as he saw Darkwing standing behind Vitani, waving his arms wildly and mouthing, 'don't bother'. "--I mean, yeah, I guess I shouldn't be so clumsy."

"Damn straight," Vitani grumbled.

Suddenly, there was a rustling sound in the bushes.

"What was that?" Vitani demanded.

Boots felt the tears stream angrily down his face. "We're gonna die out here. I am SO scared."

Darkwing walked over to the bushes, moving them aside. "Why, it's Bushroot, the most dangerous villain in the world!"

"Ahh! Darkwing Duck!" the half-duck half-plant criminal yelped fearfully.

The bushes began to move at that point, clobbering Darkwing.

"Bushroot!" Darkwing yelled. "You pernicious plant!"

"Oh, would you stop with those absurdly annoying alliterations?!" The plant-duck thought for a moment. "Ahh! I'm...I'm...ALLITERATING!"

"Ha! Not for long! A nice trip to the penitentiary should quell that urge right away!" After a second, Darkwing began, "Wait a second--"

"SHUTUP!" Vitani screeched. "PLEASE!"

"Yeah! We need to keep the peace!" Boots exclaimed.

Bushroot cringed. "I-is that a l-lion?"

Vitani growled. "WHAT do I look like?" She waited for a reply, but when one didn't come, she informed him, "Yes. I am."

Bushroot threw himself to the ground and covered his head with his arms. "Oh, I knew it was a bad idea to come here!"

"Bad ideas are the Boss's specialty!" a voice boomed suddenly.

At this, Bushroot peeked out from under his arms and jumped to his feet. "Hee hee, now you're all going to get it! Messing with such a fearsome villain as me!"

"Can it, Bushbrain," Darkwing advised, turning around just in time to see the river funnel upwards into the sky.

"Wow," Boots remarked. "How'd that happen?"

Vitani shrugged. "Nutty authors."

A watery figure was left standing where the river had been, and it...he? sloshed over to them, looking rather steamed.

"Where'd YOU come from?" Vitani demanded.

"Hey!" Boots yelled abruptly. "I am SO DAMN SICK of you always yelling! What is WITH you? Did your father die, leaving your mother scarred for life?! Did she militantly train you or something?! Did she make you answer 'affirmative' to yes or no questions?! Sheesh! Obviously not! And for god's sake, I said we need to keep the peace!!!"

Vitani's lip trembled and her eyes shined with unshed tears.

"What's wrong with your lip?" Boots asked nastily.

"N-nothing," she replied shakily. "Let's get back to work."

"Bushroot, what's Darkwimp doing here?" the watery entity spoke up.

"I don't know!" Bushroot replied defensively.

"Well, I wasn't accusing you of anything. Don't get all super-defensive again. We already went through that once today."

"Ah!" Darkwing shouted triumphantly. "The Liquidator! The most dangerous villain in the world!"

"But I thought HE was the most dangerous--" Boots began.

"Never mind what you thought," Darkwing interrupted. "Can't you see I'm battling the two most dangerous supervillains known to...to...US?!"

"Yeah...okay...you do that." Boots slowly backed away as Darkwing began foaming at the mouth.

"Ooh...he looks steamed," the Liquidator snickered.

"Don't even SAY that!" Bushroot exclaimed, shuddering. "It makes me think of...of...steamed vegetables!"

Mulan kneeled on the ground, her eyes set on a pretty flower. "Would you look at that?" She sighed happily. "What a beautiful member of our world." She reached down and picked the flower.

At the very moment the stem was torn, Bushroot clutched his heart. "NOOOO!!!"

"It was JUST a lousy daisy! Geez!" Boots cupped a hand over his mouth. "Oh no! I'm reverting back to my natural newsie heritage! Help!!!"

Bushroot made a choking sound and fell to the ground melodramatically, still clutching his heart.

"A daisy to you or me, but a friend to this mutant criminal!" the Liquidator announced.

At this, the aforementioned mutant criminal jumped to his feet and demanded, "Who're you calling a mutant?!"

Deciding to forget his commercial mentality altogether for the rest of the day, the Liquidator asked, "How many mutants do you see?"

Bushroot looked at Boots and Vitani, then answered doubtfully, "...four?"

The watery villain sighed. "You and I, Reggie. Mutants if ever there were any."

"Oh, yeah. That wasn't an insult, was it?"

"No."

"Oh."

Boots sighed in happiness. "Ah, peace. The peace is kept."

"What is WITH you and this peace thing?" Vitani questioned.

"What IS with me?"

"That's what I'm asking!"

"WHAT are you asking?"

"I'm asking what's with you!"

"WHY are you asking what's with me?"

"God! You freak!"

"WHY am I a freak?"

"Argh!" Vitani's fur puffed out in anger.

Suddenly, Bushroot screamed and dove behind the Liquidator. "It's...it's...it's...Mulan!" he shrieked, pointing at the woman.

"Yes, that's my name," she responded, her tone perplexed.

"You...you...you PLANTKILLER!" he accused.

"Reggie," the Liquidator spoke up mildly.

"What?!"

"Do you remember where Mulan was when we left the castle?"

He thought for a moment. "Yeah, she was in--oh." He paused and blushed faintly. "She does get pretty...er...INVOLVED when she's there, doesn't she?"

"I'd say so."

"So you're saying that this ISN'T Mulan?"

"I AM Mulan," she insisted.

"She's probably from a different dimension. After all, that's not so unusual, is it?"

"I guess not."

Vitani narrowed her eyes and questioned suspiciously, "You know Mulan the Mighty Huntress?"

Bushroot shuddered. "I wish I didn't. She's pure evil!"

"Rotten to the core," the Liquidator agreed.

Giving the two villains an appraising look, Darkwing remarked, "You work for her, don't you?"

"Not by choice," Bushroot mumbled.

Darkwing glanced over his shoulder. "And where are Megavolt and Quackerjack? Undoubtedly this is some scheme of yours! You planned to ambush me, didn't you?"

Rolling his eyes, the Liquidator informed him, "We didn't even know you were out here. And Megavolt and Quackerjack disappeared over two weeks ago. They're both nuts--who knows what happened? Maybe they tried to get out and got caught instead. Or maybe they DID get out."

"Can you take us to Mulan?" Vitani questioned eagerly, ignoring the strangely soft quality in the villain's tone.

He looked sharply at her, then smiled rather unpleasantly. "Sure."

Boots pumped his fist in the air. "Yeah!"

"For a low, low price of one million dollars."

"HUH?!" Boots and Vitani yelled.

"Maybe we should just take them to her," Bushroot said timidly.

"When I see the money."

"But--"

"Boots." Vitani held up a paw, silencing him. "Here." She gave the Liquidator a one million dollar bill.

For a long moment, he stared at it, as if trying to gauge whether or not it was authentic. Then, finally, he nodded and announced, "Follow me."

"And no funny stuff," Darkwing warned.

"Oh, you won't need it from me. There's enough at the Castle of Darkness."

~