Title: The Substitute
By: Amanda
Feedback: sweety167@yahoo.ca
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I don't own anything QAF related.
Summary: A Ben P.O.V. on Brian/Michael during episode 302
Completed: July 22, 2003
I just can't get what Vic said out of my head. "That's the problem, the substitute is always the last to know." What did Vic mean by that? I could swear he was looking at me when he said it. Like he was giving away some secret. One minuet Debbie was going on about how Brain's using Michael as a substitute for Justin, then Vic adds in his comment. At the time I was sure he ment Michael being victimised by his best friend…but now, as I think about it, I'm not so sure.
I've been mulling it over since dinner. All night even, especially as Michael comes staggering in at the ungodly hour. After being out with Brian while he does god knows what. Or should I be saying who? I really try not to analyse it. To let Vic's comment seep in and root itself in my brain. But there it is. I can't even get through my morning shake without it being there. Right there! Staring me in the face. To be completely honest it isn't Vic's words that are driving into me, he just put light on it. It's Michael and Brian. It's always been Michael and Brian. I can say they're just friends until I'm blue in the face, but that won't make it true.
It's driving me crazy. Not to mention angry as hell. Especially as Michael stumbles out of our room in his underwear. I can't help but wonder if Brian saw him like that too. Wasn't out late?! Like I wasn't waiting for him all night! I have to remember to stay calm and breath. It isn't just coming home around three, without calling. It's being with Brian. It's not calling because of Brian. It's staying out because of Brian. To be with Brian…and not me. But I have to remember to respect their space as friends. Brian is in need of his friend. Brian is just in need of his friend. Think if I repeat that as a mantra everything will turn out?
All it's giving me is a killer tension headache. And then there's Vic's words, and the way he looked at me. With that pity! Substitute. Is that what I've been for Michael? A substitute for Brian? No. Michael would never do that to me, to anyone. I can see it in those sad, brown eyes as he apologises for being out…then he explains the Kinney factor. He could never hurt anyone, knowingly. Jesus, I am the last to know. Outside of Michael.
I love him so much. And I'm sure it's returned. He's asked me to stay, to move in. Then why am so angry? Why am I filled with the frustrated rage?
"…There's something between us…"
That's all I can let slip. Anymore and I'd be showing how I'm burning behind the collected façade. It's so obvious what the THING is between us. One word: Brian! That's why Michael's sad eyes are just testing my control. He doesn't see it. He doesn't see how Brian is wedged between us. Does he really not see how I'm a substitute? No. He's Michael: too naïve and God help him innocent to see what's in front of him. And I can't take it. Not now! Not when all I want to do is grab him by the shoulders and shake the sense into him! But no. Stay calm and breath. I have to get out of here, go to work, continue like it's all normal. How bad would it be for me to play along too? Hell if Justin could play the happy sub, so can I.
END
A/N: I wanted to play off of the angry that you can *just* see in Ben.
