Title: The Evening Speaks

Chapter: Sex! Jess!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything to do with Gilmore Girls, or Our Lady Peace's 4 AM.

Summary: From time to time, everyone has thoughts about "what might have been". They're living it. A different approach to Keg! Max! and the events that follow it.

Dedications: To Kait, who was the inspiration behind the madness. To Kat, who pushed for it. To Angel, for being the best beta ever. And, finally, to Sweet for writing the summary.

* I walked around my good intentions/

And found that there were none.

He wasn't sure what a first time should be like. It had been so long since Jess Mariano's first less than stellar sexual experience that he didn't remember his expectations- if he had any- of the act. Even then, he had viewed it as just sex. And it must be different for boys and girls, and since Rory Gilmore was most definitely a girl, he feared he had disappointed her. He had disappointed himself. Jess couldn't remember feeling like that in such a long time, but that's what happens when you didn't set any expectations for yourself.

Not that the sex itself had been disappointing. He had found the release he had needed so desperately since things had started to crack and crumble around him. If he had been back in New York, he would have rationalized the entire episode as a good thing. After all, he had found his release with his girlfriend rather than some random girl in an alleyway. But he was not in New York, and Rory was no ordinary girl.

Which was probably why he was almost exactly as she had found him when she had entered the room. Except now he sat in the middle of the bed, in just his jeans, staring at the wall. The biggest difference was that he was feeling more settled than he had. Sex relaxed him in a way that nothing else could. Which was odd considering the turmoil whirling through his mind at present. His relationship was further proof that he was just as he had always been. Jess never thought further than trying to achieve the goal. He had flirted and fought his way to Rory. But now that he had her- what should he do with her?

Rory wouldn't allow him to just float through their relationship like he had in the past. No, she had to have expectations of him, like wanting him to get along with her mother, and meet her grand parents. Jess couldn't remember the last time anyone had expectations of him. Luke didn't count, since he was always willing to change and adjust his to fit the both of them better. It made life all that much more harmonious.

Jess looked over at the window as the blue and red lights of the police sirens disappeared into the night. They had arrived twenty minutes earlier, and that's when Rory seemed to break out of whatever it was that let her allow him to even touch her, and scrambled to leave. She had encouraged him to do the same, but he just sat there. She had had that deer in headlight look to her. She didn't say anything about what had just occurred. Choosing to focus more on the safer panic of a police raid. She had tugged and pulled, and he told her to go. He'd be fine. Finally, her fear of getting caught by the police overtook her fear of him being caught by the police, and she had fled.

He had no fear of getting caught. Jess had lived through enough police raided events to know that up here, tucked away in a locked room, there was no threat of being caught. The police were far too busy wrangling up the drunk and disorderly to care about the half naked guy who had just gotten laid.

Jess pulled his shirt back on, tugged his shoes on, grabbed his jacket and walked out the door. It was easy to be calm when one simply didn't care anymore.

*

            He was putting on his jacket as he rounded the corner when Rory stepped out of the shadows. Jess had been about to be surprised that she had waited for him, but he noticed that they were by Kim's Antiques. Lane. Of course. It would be unforgivable if he kept walking, right? He sighed; even he knew it would be. So he stopped. And they stared at each other.

            Rory cleared her throat as she looked away uncomfortably. "So, what…what happened?"

            Jess shrugged, "The police came. They went. Made a few arrests. All in all, your normal episode of Cops."

            "But you didn't…"

            "No, I didn't."

            "That's…good."

            His eyes were trained on the crack in the sidewalk. Anything to avoid looking at her face, in her eyes. If he did, it'd only tell him one thing. He hadn't done the right thing. He had done the selfish time. After her first time, she shouldn't be running from the police. They should still be abed, and it should be her bed, or his or even a hotel's. Not some random bed in the house of a random classmate.

            But here they were, and it was over. They were standing on a sidewalk with the smell of beer, smoke and vomit whirling around them. Wearing clothes that had been put on hastily, so they weren't exactly fixed on them the same way they had been at the beginning of the evening. Or maybe his imagination was going into overtime. And all he could see was sex. A huge stain everywhere. He needed to be somewhere else. Anywhere else.

            "Yeah." Jess said it because he felt like he had to say something.

            Rory opened her mouth as if she wanted to say something, but then once more she closed it and her lips pursed like they did when she was annoyed with herself. Then her mouth opened again, and closed. It was annoying to him because it just brought his attention to her mouth. And that was a bad thing after this day. Very bad, indeed.

            But he felt his hands move up to cup her face, and his lips brushed hers. Once. Twice. And then he kissed her. He kissed her because she was his. And she was good, sweet and everything a person should be. He kissed her because after she slept on it, she'd realize that he was everything anyone had ever told her that he was. But most of all he kissed her because he needed her. He hated that he needed her, but he needed her all the same. And he only stopped kissing her because he was gasping for breath.

            Her cornflower blue eyes were widened with curiosity and confusion by the time he opened his again. She had so many questions, and he hadn't a clue as to what the answers should be.  But he should at least try to act like he should.

            "Do you need…" Jess's voice tripped on the words.

            Rory shook her head, and he was relieved that she could read the question he was asking. "No, I can get home fine."

            "Good night," he took a deep breath.

            "Good night, Jess," Rory returned, the corners of her lips warbling into a small smile.

            On impulse, he leaned forward and brushed his lips across her forehead before turning around and walking away.

            "Jess?" She called out.

            "Yeah?" He turned around, and took his steps backwards.

            Rory looked hesitant, but ended up asking, "Where are you going?"

            "Home," he shrugged. "Where else would I be going?"

            "I don't know," her reply was in a whisper, and he didn't think he was supposed to hear it. So Jess just turned around and left.

*

            He had lied to her. Even as Rory had been asking the question, Jess knew he'd lie to her. Never mind the fact that it wasn't necessary for him to lie. He wasn't doing any thing more wrong than not notifying his guardian where he was, but he lied because if he had told her, she'd want to go with him. She was involved in that way.

            Jess sank down so that he was sitting on the bridge as he put a cigarette in his mouth. It had been so long since he had smoked one, it practically felt like he had quit since he started dating Rory. He couldn't smoke when he was with her, and he couldn't smoke in the apartment.  It left very little time to do it.

            He stared into his reflection until smoke clouded the image, distorting it. But that was okay, it was better that way. Almost everything was better that way.

To Be Continued…