Title: Holding on to nothing
Author: Jessica
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where
Spoilers: None
Rating: PG
Category: Romance, AU, angst, V
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se
Pairing: Lorelai/Luke, Luke/Rachel
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.
Summary: Is the truth always necessary?
AUTHORS NOTE: Luke and Rachel have been married for about a year.
She never left Stars Hollow. Lorelai is still Lorelai..:)
I promise, I swear..this time around..it will be a happy ending..
Just bear with me.
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistakes may occur.
THANK YOU: TO Sandra for helping me out here..
*******************************************
"On that day
I shall put roses on roses, and cover your grave
With multitude of white roses: and since you were brave
One bright red ray.
So people, passing under
The ash-trees of the valley-road, will raise
Their eyes and look at the grave on the hill, in wonder,
Wondering mount, and put the flowers asunder
To see whose praise
Is blazoned here so white and so bloodily red.
Then they will say: 'Tis long since she is dead,
Who has remembered her after many days?
And standing there
They will consider how you went your ways
Unnoticed among them, a still queen lost in the maze
Of this earthly affair.
A queen, they'll say,
Has slept unnoticed on a forgotten hill.
Sleeps on unknown, unnoticed there, until
Dawns my insurgent day."
(Poem called "On that day" by D.H Lawrence )
**********************
Holding on to nothing (1/?)
by: Jessica
*********************
It felt like my chest was going to explode as I ran
through the halls of the hospital.
I couldn't breathe.
For God's sake, breathe.
Help me to breathe!
"RACHEL!!!!!!"
He came towards me.
A young doctor.
He couldn't be older than thirty.
With kind eyes.
"Calm down, sir!"
"Rachel! Where is she!? Tell me where she is?"
He took me by the arm and forced me to stop and look at him.
Panic ate at my heart.
Slowly causing it to break.
It was a painful death.
But I deserved it.
"Who are you looking for, sir?"
I scanned the halls behind him, searching for her.
"Rachel. Rachel Danes. My wife."
There are glimpse of that day I remember.
I can't remember the name of the doctor that told me.
But I do remember his voice.
I remember sounds.
Smells.
Of that day.
Other things have been erased through time.
I stood there in the hall when he told me.
I remember that he asked me if I wanted to go somewhere to talk.
I should have known then.
I should have prepared my heart.
But I kept expecting it to be wrong.
That there had been some kind of mistake.
But not this time.
The moment he told me.
I can remember it so clearly.
It seemed like the world stopped.
Everything stopped.
Even my heartbeat.
"Rachel Danes was brought into the emergence room one hour ago with
severe trauma to the head. She was unconscious upon arrival. She never
regain consciousness. She was pronounced dead twenty minutes ago."
I kept expecting to fall apart.
To explode.
But it didn't.
Nothing happened.
"NO! No!"
I looked at him.
This doctor.
And I clung to him.
"I'm sorry for your loss..."
"No! There has to be some kind of mistake. She was just.."
"I'm sorry. She was identified as Mrs. Rachel Danes..."
With that I died.
I broke.
I have always been proud of my own strength.
But something happened.
My legs gave away and I crumbled to the floor.
With a cry I fell.
"Rachel!!!!!!"
That was all I was able to do.
I screamed her name.
A plead to the heavens to bring her back.
To spare her.
"Is there someone I can call?"
The doctor again.
I rose on week legs.
Trying to steady myself.
Trying to ignore the pain in my chest.
Remember to breathe.
Just remember to breathe.
Then maybe.
Just maybe I would survive.
"No. No one...Take me to her."
My voice was harsh.
"I don't think that's a good idea.."
"Just take me to her!"
He did.
I can't remember how I got into that room without
falling apart.
It was a painful death.
I was shown into a room.
They had laid her out on the bed.
The only light in the room was the light that shimmered in from
the hall.
I lingered in the doorway
Trying to breathe.
Trying to make my heart move.
Eventually I moved.
Slowly.
My legs felt like made of iron.
Her face was so white.
Almost transparent.
She was beautiful.
My legs gave away and I crumbled to the floor beside her bed.
The darkness of this room surrounded me.
Pure fear gripped at my heart and squeezed it so hard
that I couldn't breathe.
Pain.
I rose on weak legs.
I drank her beauty.
Tears made my sight blurry.
"Rachel, please don't do this..."
My voice was barely a whisper.
Silly words.
Like I could stop it from happening.
Too late.
For everything.
My hands trembled as I reached out and touched her.
Cold.
So cold.
I fell to my knees once again.
Bleeding now.
Slowly dying.
How could I let her go?
Trembling hands.
Searching to remember a woman I was losing.
The feel of her skin against my hand.
The smell of her hair.
I leaned closer.
Only seeing her.
"Rachel...."
How could I say goodbye?
A voice was screaming in my ear.
That I was to blame.
Pain came knocking.
Gripping at my heart.
Whispering to it to break.
I took her into my arms.
Her cold shell of a body.
I rocked just like a child.
The pain that flushed over me was unbearable.
I can't describe it.
I sat there on her bed.
With my wife in my arms.
And cried.
"Rachel, please..."
Silly words.
I know that.
But my mind couldn't comprehend her leaving.
Wouldn't listen.
But the truth whispered.
To let go.
Tears marked my face as I lowered my mouth to hers.
Wanting to remember.
Cold lips against mine.
Whispering my goodbyes against her lips:
"I love you."
------------------------------------
It started two days earlier.
It started with a letter.
Then a phone call.
I had expected that time would eventually calm
her wanderlust.
I believed that I could keep her by my side.
But I should have learned from the past.
Guess I was blind.
Guess I was a fool.
It took one year for her to grow weary of this town.
Of this life.
The need to see the world won over the need to stay.
That day, I remember it so clearly.
I never meant the harsh words I said.
I was so determined to stand my ground.
It was just a job in New York.
But I knew that would just be the start.
So I was determined to stop her.
Harsh words were spoken.
I tried to hold her back.
But it was like trying to hold back a train.
She wanted to go.
And that hurt more than anything.
So I did what I always have done.
I pushed her away.
Far away.
-----------------------------
As night fell I fled the crowds of the diner.
At first I wanted to get the rage I felt out of my system.
Anger of her leaving.
Of being the fool again.
My wanders brought me to the bridge.
The moon kept me company as I sat down and tried to calm
my beating heart.
As I sat there staring into the night the anger inside
of me subsided and was replaced by fear.
It gripped at my heart,
making me crumble.
She was leaving again.
She was walking out of my life and there was nothing I
could do to stop her this time.
"Luke?"
Lorelai.
She was standing just a few feet from me.
I hadn't heard her coming.
"What are you doing here?"
"I might ask you the same."
I wanted to be alone but I hadn't the heart to tell her.
With a sigh she sat down beside me.
"So what are we doing?"
"We are not doing anything."
"Okay. Shall we sing? 'Sitting on the dock of the bay', is
perfect."
"Lorelai!"
"What? Don't like that one, huh?"
"Lorelai, please!"
"What?"
"Leave."
"No. Not until you tell me what you're doing out here."
"What's it to you?"
"I want to know."
"Don't."
"Just tell me what has happened."
"She is leaving."
"Who?"
"Rachel."
"So?"
"What do you mean so?"
"So, she is leaving. She is coming back."
"You don't know her like I do. When she gets an idea in her
head. It doesn't stop there..."
"So go with her."
"I can't."
"Why not? It's not like it's forever."
I looked at her.
Our eyes met.
She knew.
"Oh."
"It's some job in New York City. Then I don't know."
"So what will you do?"
"I don't know. Can you imagine me in New York? I wouldn't know
what to do with myself."
She smiles at me.
"No."
"We fought. I said some nasty things."
"She will come back."
"I'm not so sure anymore."
"She loves you, Luke. She married you, remember?"
"It's not that. It's this.."
"What do you mean?"
"This town. This life. It's not for her. It has never been
for her. I thought I could fool myself. But.."
"She made the choice to stay."
"And now she is leaving."
"So what does that leave you?"
"I don't know."
She took my hand and looked at me.
Her hand was warm in mine.
"Talk to her. Make her stay. Make her see..."
"I don't know if that's is the right thing to do."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know if I can do that to her. She would only hate me
in the end."
"No. I don't think she could ever hate you."
"Oh, you don't know Rachel. She has a temper."
"I believe you."
"I know what I have to do..But I don't know how to."
"What?"
"To let her go."
"Oh, Luke...."
I looked at her again.
My friend.
Lorelai.
"Am I doing the right thing?"
"I can't answer that."
"But I don't know who to let her go."
"She will just be in New York and you here. It's not like this
is the end for you two."
"I'm not so sure."
"You married her..."
"Yeah, I did....But I know her...Her passion for travelling...
She would never be happy to stay in one place too long. And I don't
know if I can live like that..."
"People have survived the experience."
"Don't..."
"You just have to work at it..."
"Tell me that it's going to be all right in the end."
"I can't do that. You know that."
"Lie to me."
"Luke..."
She leaned closer to me and for a second I wanted to fall into
her.
I wanted to seek shelter in her arms.
"Tell me how to stop loving her."
"Nobody said that you have to stop loving her."
"Then I know I would be okay in the end."
Our eyes met.
I saw sorrow in her eyes.
Concern.
"You will be just fine."
"How do you know?"
"I just know."
"She is my wife."
"I know that.
"I just can't sit by and let this happen."
"Maybe you just have to."
"I don't know how I will survive her leaving."
"Don't...You can do this...You are the strongest person I know."
I moved closer to her.
Wanting to fall into her.
Let her catch me for once.
Fall.
"I can't..."
My voice was just a whisper.
She framed her face between her hands and made me look at her.
"She will come back. You have to believe that."
She was so close now that I almost could pick up the scent that
shimmered out from her body.
She smelled of strawberries and coffee.
"Lorelai..."
I didn't think as I leaned closer to her.
I just wanted shelter.
I just wanted to think about something else besides the pain
that kept eating at my heart.
That kept slowly breaking me apart.
So I fell into her.
I gave in and finally let everything go.
I lowered my mouth to her and brushed my lips against her.
I wasn't ready.
I wasn't ready for the fire that started as we touched.
The storm that followed.
She didn't move away.
She didn't stop me.
I ran my tongue against her lips.
Tasting.
Whispering to her to surrender.
And she did.
She gave me heaven.
She tasted like coffee.
I wanted her.
Lorelai.
Someone else.
I wanted to replace the feeling inside with something else
than fear.
I wanted to find peace.
I wanted something.
Anything.
And I found her.
Suddenly reality hit and I pulled back from her.
Soothing away the fire.
Her eyes were dark as I looked at her.
I rose.
Wanting to run.
TRAITOR!!
That word kept chasing me around as our eyes met.
"I'm sorry."
Then I walked away from her.
END Part ONE of ?
FEEDBACK-j_rothen@yahoo.se
Author: Jessica
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where
Spoilers: None
Rating: PG
Category: Romance, AU, angst, V
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se
Pairing: Lorelai/Luke, Luke/Rachel
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.
Summary: Is the truth always necessary?
AUTHORS NOTE: Luke and Rachel have been married for about a year.
She never left Stars Hollow. Lorelai is still Lorelai..:)
I promise, I swear..this time around..it will be a happy ending..
Just bear with me.
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistakes may occur.
THANK YOU: TO Sandra for helping me out here..
*******************************************
"On that day
I shall put roses on roses, and cover your grave
With multitude of white roses: and since you were brave
One bright red ray.
So people, passing under
The ash-trees of the valley-road, will raise
Their eyes and look at the grave on the hill, in wonder,
Wondering mount, and put the flowers asunder
To see whose praise
Is blazoned here so white and so bloodily red.
Then they will say: 'Tis long since she is dead,
Who has remembered her after many days?
And standing there
They will consider how you went your ways
Unnoticed among them, a still queen lost in the maze
Of this earthly affair.
A queen, they'll say,
Has slept unnoticed on a forgotten hill.
Sleeps on unknown, unnoticed there, until
Dawns my insurgent day."
(Poem called "On that day" by D.H Lawrence )
**********************
Holding on to nothing (1/?)
by: Jessica
*********************
It felt like my chest was going to explode as I ran
through the halls of the hospital.
I couldn't breathe.
For God's sake, breathe.
Help me to breathe!
"RACHEL!!!!!!"
He came towards me.
A young doctor.
He couldn't be older than thirty.
With kind eyes.
"Calm down, sir!"
"Rachel! Where is she!? Tell me where she is?"
He took me by the arm and forced me to stop and look at him.
Panic ate at my heart.
Slowly causing it to break.
It was a painful death.
But I deserved it.
"Who are you looking for, sir?"
I scanned the halls behind him, searching for her.
"Rachel. Rachel Danes. My wife."
There are glimpse of that day I remember.
I can't remember the name of the doctor that told me.
But I do remember his voice.
I remember sounds.
Smells.
Of that day.
Other things have been erased through time.
I stood there in the hall when he told me.
I remember that he asked me if I wanted to go somewhere to talk.
I should have known then.
I should have prepared my heart.
But I kept expecting it to be wrong.
That there had been some kind of mistake.
But not this time.
The moment he told me.
I can remember it so clearly.
It seemed like the world stopped.
Everything stopped.
Even my heartbeat.
"Rachel Danes was brought into the emergence room one hour ago with
severe trauma to the head. She was unconscious upon arrival. She never
regain consciousness. She was pronounced dead twenty minutes ago."
I kept expecting to fall apart.
To explode.
But it didn't.
Nothing happened.
"NO! No!"
I looked at him.
This doctor.
And I clung to him.
"I'm sorry for your loss..."
"No! There has to be some kind of mistake. She was just.."
"I'm sorry. She was identified as Mrs. Rachel Danes..."
With that I died.
I broke.
I have always been proud of my own strength.
But something happened.
My legs gave away and I crumbled to the floor.
With a cry I fell.
"Rachel!!!!!!"
That was all I was able to do.
I screamed her name.
A plead to the heavens to bring her back.
To spare her.
"Is there someone I can call?"
The doctor again.
I rose on week legs.
Trying to steady myself.
Trying to ignore the pain in my chest.
Remember to breathe.
Just remember to breathe.
Then maybe.
Just maybe I would survive.
"No. No one...Take me to her."
My voice was harsh.
"I don't think that's a good idea.."
"Just take me to her!"
He did.
I can't remember how I got into that room without
falling apart.
It was a painful death.
I was shown into a room.
They had laid her out on the bed.
The only light in the room was the light that shimmered in from
the hall.
I lingered in the doorway
Trying to breathe.
Trying to make my heart move.
Eventually I moved.
Slowly.
My legs felt like made of iron.
Her face was so white.
Almost transparent.
She was beautiful.
My legs gave away and I crumbled to the floor beside her bed.
The darkness of this room surrounded me.
Pure fear gripped at my heart and squeezed it so hard
that I couldn't breathe.
Pain.
I rose on weak legs.
I drank her beauty.
Tears made my sight blurry.
"Rachel, please don't do this..."
My voice was barely a whisper.
Silly words.
Like I could stop it from happening.
Too late.
For everything.
My hands trembled as I reached out and touched her.
Cold.
So cold.
I fell to my knees once again.
Bleeding now.
Slowly dying.
How could I let her go?
Trembling hands.
Searching to remember a woman I was losing.
The feel of her skin against my hand.
The smell of her hair.
I leaned closer.
Only seeing her.
"Rachel...."
How could I say goodbye?
A voice was screaming in my ear.
That I was to blame.
Pain came knocking.
Gripping at my heart.
Whispering to it to break.
I took her into my arms.
Her cold shell of a body.
I rocked just like a child.
The pain that flushed over me was unbearable.
I can't describe it.
I sat there on her bed.
With my wife in my arms.
And cried.
"Rachel, please..."
Silly words.
I know that.
But my mind couldn't comprehend her leaving.
Wouldn't listen.
But the truth whispered.
To let go.
Tears marked my face as I lowered my mouth to hers.
Wanting to remember.
Cold lips against mine.
Whispering my goodbyes against her lips:
"I love you."
------------------------------------
It started two days earlier.
It started with a letter.
Then a phone call.
I had expected that time would eventually calm
her wanderlust.
I believed that I could keep her by my side.
But I should have learned from the past.
Guess I was blind.
Guess I was a fool.
It took one year for her to grow weary of this town.
Of this life.
The need to see the world won over the need to stay.
That day, I remember it so clearly.
I never meant the harsh words I said.
I was so determined to stand my ground.
It was just a job in New York.
But I knew that would just be the start.
So I was determined to stop her.
Harsh words were spoken.
I tried to hold her back.
But it was like trying to hold back a train.
She wanted to go.
And that hurt more than anything.
So I did what I always have done.
I pushed her away.
Far away.
-----------------------------
As night fell I fled the crowds of the diner.
At first I wanted to get the rage I felt out of my system.
Anger of her leaving.
Of being the fool again.
My wanders brought me to the bridge.
The moon kept me company as I sat down and tried to calm
my beating heart.
As I sat there staring into the night the anger inside
of me subsided and was replaced by fear.
It gripped at my heart,
making me crumble.
She was leaving again.
She was walking out of my life and there was nothing I
could do to stop her this time.
"Luke?"
Lorelai.
She was standing just a few feet from me.
I hadn't heard her coming.
"What are you doing here?"
"I might ask you the same."
I wanted to be alone but I hadn't the heart to tell her.
With a sigh she sat down beside me.
"So what are we doing?"
"We are not doing anything."
"Okay. Shall we sing? 'Sitting on the dock of the bay', is
perfect."
"Lorelai!"
"What? Don't like that one, huh?"
"Lorelai, please!"
"What?"
"Leave."
"No. Not until you tell me what you're doing out here."
"What's it to you?"
"I want to know."
"Don't."
"Just tell me what has happened."
"She is leaving."
"Who?"
"Rachel."
"So?"
"What do you mean so?"
"So, she is leaving. She is coming back."
"You don't know her like I do. When she gets an idea in her
head. It doesn't stop there..."
"So go with her."
"I can't."
"Why not? It's not like it's forever."
I looked at her.
Our eyes met.
She knew.
"Oh."
"It's some job in New York City. Then I don't know."
"So what will you do?"
"I don't know. Can you imagine me in New York? I wouldn't know
what to do with myself."
She smiles at me.
"No."
"We fought. I said some nasty things."
"She will come back."
"I'm not so sure anymore."
"She loves you, Luke. She married you, remember?"
"It's not that. It's this.."
"What do you mean?"
"This town. This life. It's not for her. It has never been
for her. I thought I could fool myself. But.."
"She made the choice to stay."
"And now she is leaving."
"So what does that leave you?"
"I don't know."
She took my hand and looked at me.
Her hand was warm in mine.
"Talk to her. Make her stay. Make her see..."
"I don't know if that's is the right thing to do."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know if I can do that to her. She would only hate me
in the end."
"No. I don't think she could ever hate you."
"Oh, you don't know Rachel. She has a temper."
"I believe you."
"I know what I have to do..But I don't know how to."
"What?"
"To let her go."
"Oh, Luke...."
I looked at her again.
My friend.
Lorelai.
"Am I doing the right thing?"
"I can't answer that."
"But I don't know who to let her go."
"She will just be in New York and you here. It's not like this
is the end for you two."
"I'm not so sure."
"You married her..."
"Yeah, I did....But I know her...Her passion for travelling...
She would never be happy to stay in one place too long. And I don't
know if I can live like that..."
"People have survived the experience."
"Don't..."
"You just have to work at it..."
"Tell me that it's going to be all right in the end."
"I can't do that. You know that."
"Lie to me."
"Luke..."
She leaned closer to me and for a second I wanted to fall into
her.
I wanted to seek shelter in her arms.
"Tell me how to stop loving her."
"Nobody said that you have to stop loving her."
"Then I know I would be okay in the end."
Our eyes met.
I saw sorrow in her eyes.
Concern.
"You will be just fine."
"How do you know?"
"I just know."
"She is my wife."
"I know that.
"I just can't sit by and let this happen."
"Maybe you just have to."
"I don't know how I will survive her leaving."
"Don't...You can do this...You are the strongest person I know."
I moved closer to her.
Wanting to fall into her.
Let her catch me for once.
Fall.
"I can't..."
My voice was just a whisper.
She framed her face between her hands and made me look at her.
"She will come back. You have to believe that."
She was so close now that I almost could pick up the scent that
shimmered out from her body.
She smelled of strawberries and coffee.
"Lorelai..."
I didn't think as I leaned closer to her.
I just wanted shelter.
I just wanted to think about something else besides the pain
that kept eating at my heart.
That kept slowly breaking me apart.
So I fell into her.
I gave in and finally let everything go.
I lowered my mouth to her and brushed my lips against her.
I wasn't ready.
I wasn't ready for the fire that started as we touched.
The storm that followed.
She didn't move away.
She didn't stop me.
I ran my tongue against her lips.
Tasting.
Whispering to her to surrender.
And she did.
She gave me heaven.
She tasted like coffee.
I wanted her.
Lorelai.
Someone else.
I wanted to replace the feeling inside with something else
than fear.
I wanted to find peace.
I wanted something.
Anything.
And I found her.
Suddenly reality hit and I pulled back from her.
Soothing away the fire.
Her eyes were dark as I looked at her.
I rose.
Wanting to run.
TRAITOR!!
That word kept chasing me around as our eyes met.
"I'm sorry."
Then I walked away from her.
END Part ONE of ?
FEEDBACK-j_rothen@yahoo.se
