Title: Holding on to nothing-
Praying for blue skies
Author: Jessica
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where
Spoilers: None
Rating: PG
Category: Romance, AU, angst, V
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se
Pairing: Lorelai/Luke, Luke/Rachel
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.
Summary: After Luke left Stars Hollow Lorelai finally surrenders
And admit her feelings. It ends in a letter to him....
AUTHORS NOTE: This is set five years into the future.
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistakes may occur.
THANK YOU:Sandra, for being a great beta reader and for putting
up with me...
****************************************
"I TOOK my heart in my hand
(O my love, O my love),
I said: Let me fall or stand,
Let me live or die,
But this once hear me speak
(O my love, O my love)
Yet a woman's words are weak;
You should speak, not I.
You took my heart in your hand
With a friendly smile,
With a critical eye you scann'd,
Then set it down,
And said, 'It is still unripe,
Better wait awhile;
Wait while the skylarks pipe,
Till the corn grows brown.'
As you set it down it broke
Broke, but I did not wince;
I smiled at the speech you spoke,
At your judgement I heard:
But I have not often smiled
Since then, nor question'd since,
Nor cared for cornflowers wild,
Nor sung with the singing bird."
( From "Twice" by Christina Georgina Rossetti )
***************************
Holding on to nothing (4/6)
Praying for blue skies
by: Jessica
***************************
She let her anger consume her for a long time after he had left.
The longing she once felt grew into bitterness.
She refused to speak his name.
She didn't even walk past the closed diner.
But as weeks grew into months the anger and bitterness she felt
eventually subsided and she settled into acceptance.
She let go of all the anger and pain she once felt and started
to accept that he was gone.
But sometimes when she lay alone at night memories came knocking
and she remembered a night, an evening on the bridge, when they
had shared something special.
But she always told herself that she needed to forget.
To accept that he wasn't coming back.
So she pushed her memories back, far back, and tried to move on.
She gave herself to her job.
To her daughter.
To friends.
And eventually as the months grew into years she proudly proclaimed
that she was free of the man she once had loved.
At the anniversary of her friends' death she walked the path to
the cemetery to lay down flowers at her grave.
To talk to a tombstone.
And as she stood there, in the pouring rain, she let herself
remember the man she had let go.
The man that got away.
She said goodbye that day, in so many ways.
And when she got home that day she sat down at her desk.
The one she hadn't used for years.
And she wrote a letter.
She was never good at writing letters.
But she needed to put words to the feelings that had
haunted her for months now.
Her hand trembled a bit as she reached for the pen.
She sat there a while, listening to the sound of the pouring rain
outside her window.
And finally she began to write.
Finally she let go and talked to him.
The man she loved.
The man she had given her heart to.
"Dear Luke,
I don't know if this will ever reach you.
I don't even know if you are alive.
But something is telling me that you are.
I have never been a writer.
I'm no good with words.
But I'm writing this anyway.
Because it feels like I'm going to explode
if I keep quiet any longer.
I was so angry after you left.
I wanted so desperately to hate you for what
you did.
For all the things you said to me that night.
But I can't.
And a part of me hated myself for not being
able to stay mad at you.
But I just can't.
I have never been able to stay mad at you.
You are my best friend.
You are the one I run to when I need shelter.
The one I rely on.
You are a part of my life.
A part of me.
So that evening on the bridge.
That kiss.
You gave me heaven that night.
Only to take it back again.
That kiss, whispered of something else and
opened my eyes.
And I finally realized.
And I finally was strong enough to face my own
heart.
I was ready to open my heart again.
And as I walked home that night I knew the truth.
The truth I had kept hidden so well.
That I loved you.
Those words seem so small when you are not here.
But I don't know how to let you know how I feel about you.
The love I feel inside it's bigger than me and for
a moment it scared me.
For I have never felt this strong for anybody.
I will not beg you to come home.
To come to me.
I will not tell you to return if the memories are too painful.
But know one thing.
I love you.
Me.
Just me.
Lorelai.
And I'm not scared anymore.
And if you let me I promise you that I will not let you part
from me ever again.
But if this letter is going nowhere and is never opened
and never read I will still be glad.
Because I have spoken the truth.
I have finally opened up my heart.
And I know that I will be okay.
I love you,
Lorelai Gilmore.
Her hand trembled a bit as she signed her name and sealed the
envelope.
It was over.
She was ready now.
To let go.
___________________________
Outside Seattle, Washington,
Five years later.
__________________________
The rain came down from a darken sky the morning it arrived.
The envelope was torn and the address was smudged and changed
several times.
I recognized her handwriting at once.
I still remembered.
My hands trembled as I sat down in my favorite chair
and started to read.
I don't know how long I sat there.
Outside my window the rain had finally given away for
the mighty sun.
I rose and went into the kitchen to get something to drink.
My legs felt weak.
My heart was beating like crazy.
I stood there by the sink, trying not to fall.
Lorelai Gilmore.
She belonged to the past.
But as I stood there, clinging to the sink, all the
memories I had tried to hold back came crashing down
on me all at once.
And I crumbled for them.
When I left Stars Hollow I was so convinced that I could
find answers somewhere out there.
That I could find the peace my soul craved for.
I went the world around trying to mend my heart.
Trying to find my place.
Trying to deal with the pain.
There were times when the pain was so intense
that I thought about ending it all.
I spend one lonely night in a motel room
in the middle of nowhere with a gun to my temple.
Battling demons.
It would be so easy.
To put me out of my misery.
Just a squeeze of the hand.
But something happened that night.
It's funny how clearly you see your life when
you are about to end it all.
Fighting all my demons took time.
But I won that night.
I can't remember how I did it and
I don't care anyway.
All I know is that I'm here.
But I know one thing:
I might have won the battle but I didn't
win the war.
That was two years ago.
How I ended up here is still a mystery even for me.
But I have found my place.
At least that was what I thought.
I was content with my life.
I wasn't whole but I was slowly getting there.
Then this happened.
A letter.
It felt like my whole world came crashing down all at once.
Just because of her.
I moved into the living room and sat back down in my favorite
chair.
What was I supposed to do?
The letter was dated five years ago.
Five years was a long time.
A lifetime.
Was I ready to go back?
Did I want to go back?
Her lovely words found their way through the barricades
I had built around my heart and touched it.
Gently.
Softly.
Heavenly.
It would be so easy just to ignore it all.
To go back to this life.
To be alone.
The choice I had made.
But I wasn't ready.
To let go of the life I once had.
To let her go.
Maybe I was too late.
I don't know.
But I had to find out.
I had to kill the demons that kept raging
inside of me once and for all.
And maybe I was ready to let her inside.
To let her love me.
So maybe it was time to go back.
To the start.
To try to win her heart.
-----------------------------
Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se
Next part is called "You don't know how good you are"
Praying for blue skies
Author: Jessica
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where
Spoilers: None
Rating: PG
Category: Romance, AU, angst, V
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se
Pairing: Lorelai/Luke, Luke/Rachel
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.
Summary: After Luke left Stars Hollow Lorelai finally surrenders
And admit her feelings. It ends in a letter to him....
AUTHORS NOTE: This is set five years into the future.
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistakes may occur.
THANK YOU:Sandra, for being a great beta reader and for putting
up with me...
****************************************
"I TOOK my heart in my hand
(O my love, O my love),
I said: Let me fall or stand,
Let me live or die,
But this once hear me speak
(O my love, O my love)
Yet a woman's words are weak;
You should speak, not I.
You took my heart in your hand
With a friendly smile,
With a critical eye you scann'd,
Then set it down,
And said, 'It is still unripe,
Better wait awhile;
Wait while the skylarks pipe,
Till the corn grows brown.'
As you set it down it broke
Broke, but I did not wince;
I smiled at the speech you spoke,
At your judgement I heard:
But I have not often smiled
Since then, nor question'd since,
Nor cared for cornflowers wild,
Nor sung with the singing bird."
( From "Twice" by Christina Georgina Rossetti )
***************************
Holding on to nothing (4/6)
Praying for blue skies
by: Jessica
***************************
She let her anger consume her for a long time after he had left.
The longing she once felt grew into bitterness.
She refused to speak his name.
She didn't even walk past the closed diner.
But as weeks grew into months the anger and bitterness she felt
eventually subsided and she settled into acceptance.
She let go of all the anger and pain she once felt and started
to accept that he was gone.
But sometimes when she lay alone at night memories came knocking
and she remembered a night, an evening on the bridge, when they
had shared something special.
But she always told herself that she needed to forget.
To accept that he wasn't coming back.
So she pushed her memories back, far back, and tried to move on.
She gave herself to her job.
To her daughter.
To friends.
And eventually as the months grew into years she proudly proclaimed
that she was free of the man she once had loved.
At the anniversary of her friends' death she walked the path to
the cemetery to lay down flowers at her grave.
To talk to a tombstone.
And as she stood there, in the pouring rain, she let herself
remember the man she had let go.
The man that got away.
She said goodbye that day, in so many ways.
And when she got home that day she sat down at her desk.
The one she hadn't used for years.
And she wrote a letter.
She was never good at writing letters.
But she needed to put words to the feelings that had
haunted her for months now.
Her hand trembled a bit as she reached for the pen.
She sat there a while, listening to the sound of the pouring rain
outside her window.
And finally she began to write.
Finally she let go and talked to him.
The man she loved.
The man she had given her heart to.
"Dear Luke,
I don't know if this will ever reach you.
I don't even know if you are alive.
But something is telling me that you are.
I have never been a writer.
I'm no good with words.
But I'm writing this anyway.
Because it feels like I'm going to explode
if I keep quiet any longer.
I was so angry after you left.
I wanted so desperately to hate you for what
you did.
For all the things you said to me that night.
But I can't.
And a part of me hated myself for not being
able to stay mad at you.
But I just can't.
I have never been able to stay mad at you.
You are my best friend.
You are the one I run to when I need shelter.
The one I rely on.
You are a part of my life.
A part of me.
So that evening on the bridge.
That kiss.
You gave me heaven that night.
Only to take it back again.
That kiss, whispered of something else and
opened my eyes.
And I finally realized.
And I finally was strong enough to face my own
heart.
I was ready to open my heart again.
And as I walked home that night I knew the truth.
The truth I had kept hidden so well.
That I loved you.
Those words seem so small when you are not here.
But I don't know how to let you know how I feel about you.
The love I feel inside it's bigger than me and for
a moment it scared me.
For I have never felt this strong for anybody.
I will not beg you to come home.
To come to me.
I will not tell you to return if the memories are too painful.
But know one thing.
I love you.
Me.
Just me.
Lorelai.
And I'm not scared anymore.
And if you let me I promise you that I will not let you part
from me ever again.
But if this letter is going nowhere and is never opened
and never read I will still be glad.
Because I have spoken the truth.
I have finally opened up my heart.
And I know that I will be okay.
I love you,
Lorelai Gilmore.
Her hand trembled a bit as she signed her name and sealed the
envelope.
It was over.
She was ready now.
To let go.
___________________________
Outside Seattle, Washington,
Five years later.
__________________________
The rain came down from a darken sky the morning it arrived.
The envelope was torn and the address was smudged and changed
several times.
I recognized her handwriting at once.
I still remembered.
My hands trembled as I sat down in my favorite chair
and started to read.
I don't know how long I sat there.
Outside my window the rain had finally given away for
the mighty sun.
I rose and went into the kitchen to get something to drink.
My legs felt weak.
My heart was beating like crazy.
I stood there by the sink, trying not to fall.
Lorelai Gilmore.
She belonged to the past.
But as I stood there, clinging to the sink, all the
memories I had tried to hold back came crashing down
on me all at once.
And I crumbled for them.
When I left Stars Hollow I was so convinced that I could
find answers somewhere out there.
That I could find the peace my soul craved for.
I went the world around trying to mend my heart.
Trying to find my place.
Trying to deal with the pain.
There were times when the pain was so intense
that I thought about ending it all.
I spend one lonely night in a motel room
in the middle of nowhere with a gun to my temple.
Battling demons.
It would be so easy.
To put me out of my misery.
Just a squeeze of the hand.
But something happened that night.
It's funny how clearly you see your life when
you are about to end it all.
Fighting all my demons took time.
But I won that night.
I can't remember how I did it and
I don't care anyway.
All I know is that I'm here.
But I know one thing:
I might have won the battle but I didn't
win the war.
That was two years ago.
How I ended up here is still a mystery even for me.
But I have found my place.
At least that was what I thought.
I was content with my life.
I wasn't whole but I was slowly getting there.
Then this happened.
A letter.
It felt like my whole world came crashing down all at once.
Just because of her.
I moved into the living room and sat back down in my favorite
chair.
What was I supposed to do?
The letter was dated five years ago.
Five years was a long time.
A lifetime.
Was I ready to go back?
Did I want to go back?
Her lovely words found their way through the barricades
I had built around my heart and touched it.
Gently.
Softly.
Heavenly.
It would be so easy just to ignore it all.
To go back to this life.
To be alone.
The choice I had made.
But I wasn't ready.
To let go of the life I once had.
To let her go.
Maybe I was too late.
I don't know.
But I had to find out.
I had to kill the demons that kept raging
inside of me once and for all.
And maybe I was ready to let her inside.
To let her love me.
So maybe it was time to go back.
To the start.
To try to win her heart.
-----------------------------
Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se
Next part is called "You don't know how good you are"
