Title: You don't know how good you are

Author: Jessica

Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se

Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where

Spoilers: None

Rating: PG

Category: Romance, AU, angst, V

Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se

Pairing: Lorelai/Luke, Luke/Rachel

Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.

Summary: Luke finally returns to Stars Hollow after staying away

For five years and he wants to make amends...

AUTHORS NOTE: Set five years into the future...

I just want to say...Thank god for music and specially Kristoffer

Åström & Hidden truck. If you're a fan of the show "Everwood", then

you could hear one of his songs "Connected" in the episode "Vegetative

state." If not check him out!

English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar

mistakes may occur.

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"I ain't gonne hurt no more now

No more chances

I'm not even gonna try now

No more romances

And though I'm falling deeper now

I'm not gonna feel a thing

I'm not gonna hurt no more now

No more chances."

(From "One good moment" by Kristoffer Åström & Hidden truck)

********************************

Holding on to nothing (5/6)

You don't know how good you are

by: Jessica

*************************

The sun warmed my face as I climbed out of my truck.

I had entered Stars Hollow a sunny day in the middle of June.

The first thing that struck me as I drove

up beside the diner and got out was that nothing had changed.

Five years had passed since I had left

but it looked like it was just yesterday.

My hands trembled a little as I turned the key

and entered the diner.

Memories came towards me as soon as I stepped into my own home.

Memories from time gone by.

But I was stronger now.

And I was ready now to face it all.

The first one that came to my door was Taylor.

He hadn't changed a bit.

He was the same old Taylor.

Talking about the town.

What was best.

They came all by.

One by one.

To talk.

And I listened.

And smiled.

And I realized that I was home.

As the moon devoured the sun as the dark wrapped the town

in a soft blanket I left the safety of the diner.

I thought about going to her.

I even thought about calling just to hear her voice.

But I didn't know if she still was here.

Maybe she had left.

I didn't dare to ask.

And I knew it was too soon.

For both of us.

My walk brought me to the cemetery

and her grave.

It had been a long time since I had stood there last.

Talking to a tombstone.

"I'm back, Rachel. And I'm doing fine..Well, I'm getting there."

Acting crazy again.

Talking to myself.

"I will not lie to you. I have had it rough. I thought I could run

from you. From everything....I know now that I was wrong."

As I stood there the moon came out behind the clouds

to show its face.

And I was able to smile as I stood there.

"You know what. I'm not going to cry anymore. I will not blame

myself for what happened. The guilt I felt after I lost you was so

powerful that I almost lost myself. But I got through it. Don't ask

me how. But I made it. And here I am. Still standing. But I'm not

whole..not for a long shot."

The moon kept me company as I stood there talking to the tombstone.

"But I realized...This..this crazy town is my home...And I thought

I could start over some other place...But this town is a part of me..

And wherever I went it kept chasing me around...Until I realized..

Until...She wrote me a letter, Rachel...Lorelai wrote me a letter...

HAH, I never pegged her as the letter kind of girl....But...she did...

She told me..."

My hands trembled a little as I reached inside of my jacket pocket

and pulled out the letter.

It had never left my side since the day it came to me.

I used to read it over and over again.

Running my hand over its surface.

Imagined her face when she wrote it.

Acting silly.

"She told me she loved me....It was so beautiful...I thought I had

put her behind me...But I was wrong I know that now..I don't know

how it happened...How I fell...But I have....I love her, Rachel...

I love her as much as I loved you....And I will try to win her

heart...Pray for me my darling'...."

With a smile I folded the letter up and put it back in my pocket where

it belonged.

Then I blew her a kiss and walked away.

I was determined to win.

---------------------------

It took five days for me to work up the courage to even

drive past her house.

Another to go to her.

It was late afternoon as I drove up beside her house.

I had a hard time breathing as I walked the path to her home.

And knocked on her door.

The door flew open and there she was.

Lorelai.

Her hair was longer.

Her skin was painted by the sun.

She was wonderful.

She spoke first.

"Luke....what..."

"Lorelai..."

I smiled.

That was all I was able to do.

"What are you doing here!?"

"Hello to you too.."

Then she was in my arms.

I opened my arms for her and spun her around.

So happy to hold her again.

She felt light as a feather.

I put her down and looked at her.

"Lookin' good as always..."

"Luke Danes...O my GOD!"

"Yeah..."

"God..I thought..."

"Well, here I am. Aren't you going to invite me in!"

"Sure.."

She showed me into the kitchen.

It felt like time had stood still as I stepped inside the

home of the Gilmore girls.

Nothing had changed.

Nothing at all.

We sat down at the kitchen table.

"Want something...Coffee?"

"Coffee, huh? Still at it.."

"Keeps me going.."

"Yeah...sure I'll have a cup..."

Silence followed.

I sat there watching as she made the coffee.

Searching for words.

"Where's Rory?"

"Yale."

"So...not Harvard.."

"No..But she is happy...Got a new boyfriend...Josh something.. "

"Oh..she's getting big."

"Yeah."

She gave a cup.

I took a sip and looked at her.

Her eyes met mine.

And I saw something there.

Something I couldn't name.

"So, what's been happening around these parts?"

My mouth seemed to have a life of its own.

"Nothing...Sookie has a daughter. Mary. She'll be two in August."

"What about the Inn you guys were talkin' about opening?"

"Oh...We did."

She smiled.

Her face seemed to lit up.

"You did. I'm happy for you...."

"Yeah...you should see it...It's perfect.."

"I'm sure it is.."

I took her hand in mine.

I don't know why I did it.

I just wanted.

Something.

She bolted.

Her reaction surprised me.

"Don't."

"Lorelai?"

I rose.

"Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"That!"

"What? Taking your hand?"

"Yeah, that..:"

"What? Why?"

"I don't..."

"You don't want me to touch you."

"No..it's just.."

"What then?"

"You can't just.."

"What?"

"You can't just come here and expect me to fall to my feet.."

"I didn't."

"Then..what do you want from me?"

"I just came here to talk."

"To talk."

"Yeah:"

"Then talk.."

"I wanted to talk about.."

"About what? The weather? About politics? Music?"

She backed away from me.

Fear living in her eyes.

"You know what I want to talk about."

"No, I don't."

"I've no idea why you have come back..."

"We need to talk. You know that."

"I think you made your point when you left.."

"Don't be like that..."

"Be like what? You come here and you expect me act like nothing

has happened..Like we see each other every day."

"I just want to talk...try to explain..."

"Explain? HAH, that's rich! You explain..You talk..I thought

the mighty Luke Danes only grunts..."

"Lorelai..."

"No! You want to talk about what happened! Let's talk..You want to

know what it was like after you left?"

"Yes..."

"I was so angry with you for along time after you left."

"Lorelai.."

"No, let me ... She was my friend, Luke."

"I don't want to talk about Rachel."

"We never talked about what happened."

"We did."

"No, Luke. You talked. You never let me exlain."

"You have nothing to explain."

"She was my friend, Luke. Even though I didn't know her as long as

you did I still considered her my friend. I liked her, Luke."

"I know you did."

"But still you stood here that night and accused me of.."

"I was wrong. I.."

"You broke my heart that night."

"I'm sorry. I didn't know.."

"I came to you that night to open up...To tell you."

"I know."

Our eyes met.

"You broke me that night. I never knew you could hurt me like you did."

"I'm so sorry for that."

"You weren't alone in losing her."

"I know..."

I moved away from her.

I kept remembering that night.

That night in the diner.

When anger got the best out of me.

"I don't know what you want me to say."

"I want you to know...what it feels like. To have you heart broken

like that."

"I already know."

"But still you accused me of such awful things."

"Lorelai.."

"No, Luke..I don't know why you come back and I'm not sure if I

want to know..:"

"I..."

"Oh, just leave...Why don't you just go back to wherever you came

from and leave me be!?"

Then she walked away from me.

I stood there in the middle of her kitchen and watched her walk away

from me.

It felt like something broke apart as I watched her leave.

I had hurt her.

Caused her pain.

I found her by the window.

She stood with her back turned.

My hands trembled a little as I moved closer to her.

But I didn't dare to touch her.

"I didn't come back here to hurt you."

"Then why have you come?"

Her voice was barely a whisper.

"Lorelai..."

She turned towards me.

Pride glowing in her eyes.

"No, Luke. Why in God's name did you come back? Why now?

After all these years.."

"Because.."

"Because what?"

"This."

I gave her the letter and for a brief second our hands touched.

I tried to ignore the feeling inside as she pulled away from me.

Our eyes met.

"I wrote this five years ago."

"You asked me...why I came back."

"The letter."

"Yes."

"Luke, look...I was younger then and lonely."

"You said that you loved me."

"I have said a lot of things."

"I came back because I need to know if...there's still time. That

I'm not too late."

I moved closer to her.

My hands screamed out to touch her.

"Luke..."

"I'm not ready to let you go."

"You can't just come here and.."

"I love you."

I could see pain in her eyes as I reached out my hand to touch her.

Just to know what it felt like.

But she backed away from me.

Fear gripped at her heart.

"No..."

"Lorelai.."

She moved fast.

Anger flashed across her face as she slammed her fists into me.

I let her be.

I deserved the pain she brought with her.

I had caused her pain.

"Damn you, Luke! Damn you for coming here like some fucking hero!"

She surrendered to the storm inside of her and fell against me.

I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her towards me.

"All I want is you."

Suddenly she broke away from me.

Her eyes were wild as she stumbled backwards.

"No! NO! You just can't come here and say things like that and

expect me to fall to my feet..."

"Lor, please..."

"No! I will not go there again."

"All I want is a second chance."

"Why, Luke? Why should I?"

I stood before her seeing the fear in her eyes.

"Because I love you."

"I don't believe you."

I reached for her.

Wanting to touch her.

"Lorelai.."

"No, I will not do the same mistake twice."

I stopped.

"Mistake?"

"Yes, mistake."

"What mistake?"

"Of believing in you."

"How can you say that?"

"I gave myself to you that night...I was there for you and I thought..

that maybe you would stay with me..That we could make it through

together...That you would be there for me as I was there for you..But."

"I was wrong. I know that now."

"It doesn't matter."

"Don't say that."

"No, I'm better now. Writing that letter helped me..:"

"Helped?"

"Helped me letting you go."

"No, I don't believe you..:"

I moved closer to her.

She stood her ground.

"Believe what you want..."

"So this is it? You're just going to walk away...Like nothing

happened."

"Nothing did happen. Rachel died..."

"So everything in the letter..."

"Belongs in the past.."

"So you're just gonna...."

Our eyes met.

"Yeah."

"Lorelai.."

"No, Luke...Leave it...I don't know what you expected to find here

today...But it's not going to happen."

"I thought..:"

"You thought wrong."

I stood there in her living room looking into the eyes of the woman

I had loved half my life.

And I was losing her.

Maybe she was never mine to win in the first place.

She stood strong.

Pride glowing in her eyes.

I was powerless.

"Please, leave..."

With those words I surrendered.

I was out of time.

Maybe I should let go now and save me the heartache.

I moved towards the door with a trembling heart.

I opened the door slowly.

I stopped in the doorway and looked back at her.

Our eyes met.

"I will not lose you ..Not again..."

"You already have..."

With those words something inside of me broke.

And I felt it.

Strong.

For a second I gasped for air.

Then I moved.

Dared to.

I closed the door behind me.

And then I started to walk towards my home.

The diner.

And I never felt so alone as I did in that moment.

I had lost.

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Feedback ----j_rothen@yahoo.se

*Yeah, I promise...it will be a happy ending...

Next part is called "You'll never walk alone."