Title: Holding on to nothing-

You'll never walk alone

Author: Jessica

Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se

Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where

Spoilers: None

Rating: PG

Category: Romance, AU, angst, V

Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se

Pairing: Lorelai/Luke, Luke/Rachel

Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.

Summary: Trying to act like nothing has happen,they

danced around each other until one night when Lorelai was faced with

losing him once again. This time for good...

AUTHORS NOTE: English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar

mistakes may occur.

-------------------------------------

"'Til my body is dust

'til my soul is no more

I will love you, love you

'Til the sun starts to cry

and the moon turns to rust

I will love you, love you

But I need to know - will you stay for all

time...forever and a day

Then I'll give my heart 'til the end of all

time...forever and a day"

(From "I will love you" by Fisher)

-----------------------------------

Holding on to nothing (6/6)

You'll never walk alone

by: Jessica

----------------------------------------

It's amazing how fast my heart could break.

I thought I was stronger than that.

Guess I was breakable after all.

I headed home.

To the silence of my apartment.

It never used to bother me.

After Rachel was gone and I was off chasing shadows,

I embraced the silence that surrounded me.

I was off into my own little world,

so content with the pain I could cause myself.

But now when I'm walking among the living again,

I can't help but hate the silence that surrounds me.

As I open the door to my apartment, to my home,

it's the first thing that greets me.

And I feel sick inside.

So alone.

I walk across the floor and sit down on my bed.

All I have is this.

Nothing else.

My life is the diner.

But I will not regret telling her the truth.

Of taking that leap.

I opened my heart.

The fault is mine.

I just wish there were some way I could convince

my heart that there was a way out of this pain.

-------------------------------

There were nights when he came to her.

At first she called it a curse and tried

to shrug it off.

But as days became weeks she blessed the sight

of him in her dreams.

It brought her heart the peace it so desperately

needed.

But still she feared facing him.

It took time for her to fight her demons.

And eventually she worked up the courage to face him.

-------------------------------------

She came in the morning.

Just after the sun kissed the earth.

I could feel her before I saw her.

She walked through my door with her head held high.

Like nothing had changed.

She sat down by her usual table.

I stood in the doorway to the kitchen.

Taking her in.

Lorelai.

Beautiful.

I knew I should move.

So I did.

I moved towards her like a knight dressed in armor.

She looked up as I approached and our eyes met.

And then she smiled.

Cruel! How could she be so cruel?!

Acting like nothing had happened.

My first reaction, my first thought, was to break

her facade.

To shake her.

But I stood my ground.

I almost stumbled as my armor came crashing to the

floor and left me vulnerable.

Guess I was weak.

Falling like that.

But I stood strong.

Determined not to be the one to fall.

She ordered coffee and pancakes.

I took her order and then I left.

Knowing that we were back where we started.

------------------------------------------------------

She sat there, watching him walk away and she couldn't

help but notice that little flash of pain in his eyes

as he turned away from her.

But she shoved it aside, convinced that it only was

her imagination playing tricks with her.

But it kept thugging at her heart all through

breakfast.

Afterwards, when she rose to pay, she couldn't

help but be nervous as she approached him.

He stood behind the counter.

Pride glowing in his eyes.

She stood strong, not wanting to back down.

She fumbled a little as she paid.

Their hands brushed as they exchanged the

money but no one let on about the storm that

raged inside of them both.

She lingered there a while, not wanting to go yet.

Searching for words.

Something to say.

Anything.

Their eyes met and in that moment she saw the

truth that stretched out before her;

that she had lost her best friend.

------------------------------------------------------

I wanted to say something.

Anything.

But I couldn't make my mouth move.

A part of me wanted to reach out my hand and touch

her,

reassure her that I still wanted to be her friend.

But my heart kept screaming about the pain that she

had caused me.

So bitterly I turned away from her.

Determined not to back down.

---------------------------------------------

Days became weeks and weeks eventually turned into

months.

We danced around each other like puppets in a show.

She came in every morning and every afternoon as

usual.

She drank her coffee.

Ate her dinner.

We talked.

We didn't avoid each other.

We talked about the diner, about the weather,

about the town.

We were civilized but never personal.

But we never mentioned the past or the broken hearts

that

lay between us like huge wall that neither of us

dared to climb.

We put on our masks to play our part in the game of

survival.

------------------------------------------------------

Two months later

................

The decision wasn't made suddenly.

It wasn't like I woke one day and decided

that my time here had come to an end.

The realization came slowly.

It was the little things that reminded me.

That called out to me.

The need to find something other than this life.

I found myself restless and in desperate need of

peace.

For the first time in a long time I was ready to let

go.

And stop living my life in the past.

----------------------------------------------------

The message was conveyed to her by Miss Patty.

At first she refused to believe that Luke was leaving

again.

This time for good.

He was selling the diner.

His home.

His everything.

She kept thinking that it was somebody's nasty joke.

But eventually she worked up the courage to walk past

the

diner and then she saw the sign "FOR SALE".

And she started to believe.

----------------------------------------------

The night of the farewell party came suddenly for

everyone.

The town square was dressed for a party.

Sookie had made the food.

There even was a band.

Everyone was there.

To say goodbye to Luke Danes.

I hated the party from the moment it started.

I didn't hate the people that had come together to say

goodbye.

I hated the party itself.

The goodbyes that was bound to happen.

The moon had come out and the stars had graced us with

their

presence as we finished the dinner Sookie had prepared

for us

in the middle of the square.

Taylor had even spoken in his special way that only he

can.

Many had spoken.

Sookie had cried.

Lorelai Gilmore were no where to be found.

I took a sip from my glass of wine and rose.

Feeling tired.

I had a long trip a head of me the following day.

Going back to the life I had left behind about a year

earlier.

Seattle.

And the peace I had found there.

I said goodbye to those that still lingered by the

tables.

And started to walk back towards the diner.

I found her by the diner.

She stood with her back turned.

Starring at the diner.

She was dressed in a dark blue dress.

Her hair seemed to shine in the moonlight.

"Lorelai?"

She turned around.

Her eyes were wild as they met mine.

"Luke."

"What are you doing here? You never came.."

"I wanted too..All that food..Believe me I would

have.."

"I understand."

Because of me.

She had stayed away because of me.

Of course.

"What? No..I just.."

I moved towards the door.

But she stopped me by taking my hand.

"No, Luke. You don't understand. It was too hard."

Our eyes met.

"What?"

"Saying goodbye.."

"Well..."

She let go of my hand.

I was already missing her touch.

My hands trembled a bit as I opened the door to the

diner.

"Luke, please."

I turned around and looked at her.

She was standing on the street, looking at me with

those eyes.

And I cursed the power she had over me.

"What?"

"Please...Dance with me..."

"Lorelai..I..."

Begging.

"Please, Luke...."

She reached out her hand towards me.

I walked towards her.

Seeing something in her eyes that I couldn't name.

I wanted to be strong.

Turn away from her.

I stood in front of her searching for lies.

But I found nothing.

All I could see was heaven.

And I took her hand.

"We can't dance here..in the middle of the street..."

"Just dance with me...."

And I surrendered.

Without question.

My heart shivered as I pulled her towards me.

The music from the square reached us were we stood.

Our eyes met as our bodies melted together.

Two bodies became one in harmony.

Swaying to the music.

Softly.

Slowly.

She smelled of roses and coffee.

Her eyes were dark and mysterious as they met mine.

I wanted to say something but my mouth couldn't shape

the words.

All I could do was to remember.

To brand this moment into my memory forever.

The night when I held her.

When we danced.

She rested her head on my shoulder with a sigh.

And I inhaled the scent that was Lorelai Gilmore and

for a moment

everything that stood between us was gone.

The wall shattered like glass as we melted together.

As we were one.

And I was totally at peace.

For a single moment everything was perfect.

But my heart kept remembering, whispering, about the

pain

that had broken it in two.

About her words.

And the wall was risen once again.

"When this dance is over I will say goodbye to you."

Maybe my words were harsh.

But they were the truth.

I could feel something inside of her tremble as my

words

reached her.

And with a small cry she pulled away from me.

"Luke..."

I let her go.

She backed away from me.

"Goodbye, Lorelai Gilmore."

I took her hand.

Like we were strangers.

I needed the distance between us.

"Don't say that..."

"It's the truth."

"Stay..."

Her eyes were dark as they met mine.

"No.."

"Please..Stay..."

"I can't.."

"Of course you can.."

"My life here is done."

"What does that mean?"

"I'm leaving."

"Your place is here. Here in Stars Hollow."

"Says who?"

"I do."

"Lorelai..."

"No, Luke..Stay here..I.."

"I can't. You know that."

"Why? Give me one reason why you can't.."

"Don't.."

We stood there in the middle of the street with the

moon as our

witness and she was begging me to stay.

Cruel.

"Tell me. I need to know."

"Because of you."

Silence.

The truth was out.

The truth she had known for a long time.

But it was finally spoken.

Not hid behind fancy words and lies.

The fear in her eyes was her answer.

And I knew the truth.

She didn't want me.

It hit me right in the chest and I turned

away.

Not wanting to show the pain in my eyes.

But I guess she already knew that.

"Goodbye..."

I started to move.

"LUKE! PLEASE!"

I stopped in my tracks.

And I turned towards her.

"What do you want from me, Lorelai?"

"I want you to stay."

"Why in God's name should I? You told me to go back to

where ever I came from and that's what I'm doing. You

should be pleased."

"Please, Luke...I never meant."

"Sure, Lorelai. You didn't mean those words you said."

"God, I was so confused! You came back..and.."

"Don't, Lorelai. I'm so tired of..."

"What?"

"This. Between the two of us."

"What?"

"Taking turns hurting each other."

"Luke..."

She reached for me but I backed away from her.

Knowing that if she touched me now I would surely

crumble.

"No, Lorelai. You can't have it both ways."

"What?"

"I will not go back. Not this time. Not again."

"Luke, please..All I want is to you to stay."

"I can't."

"Please.."

"NO!"

"I need you."

Her words hit me once again and I almost fell.

I searched for lies.

"Why do you do this, Lorelai? Is this just another one

of your games?"

"No..I need you to stay."

She was close now.

Almost too close.

But I didn't back away this time.

I stood my ground.

"Why should I? Tell me why I should stay? You need me?

For what...

To fix your roof..To make your coffee.."

"Don't be like that."

"No! I'm so sick and tired of your God damn

games...For once

tell me the truth!"

I moved towards her.

Anger filling my veins.

She didn't move away.

Our eyes met.

And for the first time I saw the truth in her eyes.

Fear.

"I'm afraid."

I stopped.

Tears lived in her eyes as they met mine once again.

"Of what?"

"You want the truth. The whole nasty truth?"

She stood strong.

Pride showed its nasty face.

"Yes. I think I deserve it."

"I'm afraid...Afraid of this..."

"What?"

"This..this between us. And I'm afraid of this."

She placed her hand over her heart and looked at me.

Tears rolling down her cheeks.

I suppressed the need to pull her towards me and let

her continue.

"This has always gotten me in trouble. Look at me for

God's sake.

I'm almost 39 now and I have never been able to hold

on to nothing."

"Lorelai.."

"No, let me.. Don't you know by now. I'm no good. I

hurt people. I

drive them away. Chris, Max..."

"No, Lorelai..."

"It's the truth..And I'm afraid if I let you in that I

might do

something, anything, and you'll go away and I can't

handle that.

I would surely die."

"I would never leave you."

"I don't know if I can believe that..I'm afraid..You

have so much

power over me. It consumes me sometimes. I fear this

heart..because

I can't hold back the feeling that rages inside. This

love, the

passion I feel for you...But I'm afraid if I let you

leave I will

never know what's it like to actually take that

leap....But it

scares me also to ask you to stay..."

"You can't have it both ways..."

My words were barely a whisper as I reached out my

hand and

touched her.

Took her hand.

"I know..But I need..I wish there were something..a

safety net for

my heart."

"There isn't believe me."

"That's just it.."

My hands trembled a bit as I framed her face between

my hands and looked

at her.

"All I know, all I can say is that I love you. It's

bigger than me.

It consumes me...I have never felt this for

anyone..This strong..

I can't say what the future holds. I can't promise you

forever...

Because I don't know what's going to happen. All I can

say is

that I will never willingly walk away from you... Only

if you

ask me to..I will love you..."

"Luke..."

"Believe. That's all I'm asking.."

"I don't know if I can..."

"You can. You know you can."

"I want to...I just..."

"If I leave now I'm not coming back..."

"I know..."

"Then. What do you want?"

"I want...You..to..stay...with...me.."

In that moment I saw the truth in her eyes.

The heaven.

With a smile I surrendered.

I surrendered for the storm that raged inside of me.

And I kissed her.

I leaned down and brushed my lips against her.

Tasting.

At first.

She gave herself to me.

I ran my tongue, tracing her lips, whispering to her

to open.

And with a sigh she opened herself up to me,

just like a flower.

She tasted like heaven and hell all wrapped up in one.

And I lost myself in a cloud of sensation.

We became one there, clinging to each other and the

warmth

that shimmered out from our broken bodies.

We clung to the promises that kiss meant and as we

parted

both of us knew that there were no letting go.

No way out this time.

I leaned my forehead against hers and whispered:

"I love you."

"And I love you."

Promises were whispered there, standing under the

stars.

Of not letting go.

Of believing.

Of forever.

Years from now they would still be talking about the

night

Lorelai and Luke finally became a couple.

And they would laugh and say:

"It was about time.."

.............................................

Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se