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The Fanfic Formerly Known As.... by DaRk DaY fOr AnImE
Part Thirtyeight - The Departed Fic Rating: PG-13
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Scene: The middle of a desert, somewhere on the face of the planet. (No, it doesn't matter where. If it mattered where, then I would be specific. But as it doesn't matter, then you can just forget about being pedantic about these things. Like it bloody well matters in this fanfic). Ahem.... As I said, the middle of a desert. Half- buried in the top of a dune are the remains of a small home pc.
A minute or so passes before two figures (Ami and Makoto), covered up against the sun, approach, riding on the backs of camels.
Ami: Do you think these camels worry about how heavy we are?
Makoto: ....
Ami: ....
Makoto: ....
Ami: I said....
Makoto: I heard what you said.
Ami: Then why didn't you answer?
Makoto: I was thinking.
Ami: You were thinking?
Makoto: Yes. Does that surprise you.
Ami: Well, I guess something has to pass through your nervous
system at some stage.
Makoto: You're lookin' for a punch up the snout, you are.
Ami: There, see. Now you've stopped thinking and switched
back to autonomic reactions.
Makoto: Bitch.
Ami: Slut.
Makoto: Ho.
Ami: Slag.
Makoto: ....
Ami: ....
Makoto: ....
Ami: So, are you going to answer my question?
Makoto: What question?
Ami: The one about the camels.
Makoto: No. I'm not interested in camels. They're not my type.
Ami: Not that one. The other one.
Makoto: What other one?
Ami: I asked you whether you thought these camels were worried
about how heavy we are.
Makoto: Oh, that question.
Ami: Yes, that question.
Makoto: I see.
Ami: Well, are you going to answer it?
Makoto: Well, I'm not really interested in beastiality, you see,
so I guess the camels will never find out what it is like
to go with a girl on top....
Ami: You're one sick individual, you know that?
Makoto: Its an artform. By the way, do you see that?
Ami: See what?
Makoto points to the pc, half-buried in the sand a few yeards ahead.
Makoto: That.
Ami: Sorry. I was too busy thinking about camels.
Makoto: You should spend less time thinking about camels. It is
why you don't have any friends.
They both bring their camels to a halt, eventually allowing the beasts to lower themselves to the ground before they dismount. And after the previous conversation, that sounds really perverted.
They approach the pc and kneel down beside it on either side. After exchanging glances, they dig the sand away from around the pc and slowly pull it from the ground. They then dig further as wires attached to the back of the box show that there are still parts under the sand. Eventually they extracate a monitor, a keyboard, a mouse and a portable power supply. Sitting all the parts in place on the top of the dune, they stare at it, scratching their heads.
Ami: ....
Makoto: ....
Ami: I've seen this before, somewhere.
Makoto: ....
Ami: ....
Makoto: I can't say how. We're in the middle of a desert, and
we've never been round this part of the world, before.
Ami: I feel as if we've been wandering this desert for years.
Makoto: ....
Ami: ....
Makoto: Don't look at me. I'm not paying the late return fee for
the camels.
Ami: Well, it was you who suggested we go by camel through the
desert in the first place.
Makoto: Was it?
Ami: Yes.
Makoto: You must be right. We have been travelling through this
desert for years. My memory has gone right out the
window.
Ami: Don't change the subject. You're paying the late fee and
that is that!
Makoto: You can be so mercernary, sometimes.
Ami: Hanging around you, I'm not surprised.
Makoto: ....
Ami: ....
Makoto: You're right, you know. I DO recognise this computer.
It makes me feel really.... I dunno.... odd, for some
reason. As if it were involved in some horrible chapter
of my life that I've tried to forget.
Ami: Must've had fanfics written on it, then.
Makoto: Brrrr.... Spooky.
Ami: Well, should we turn it on?
Makoto: First camels, now computers. You never give up, do you?
Ami: Oh fer fooks sake.... I mean switch the computer on.
Ami gestures to the portable power source.
Ami: There might be power left in this battery.
Makoto: What? Having spent fuck knows how long in the middle of
this desert? I'm surprised if there is any juice left in
the thing.
Ami: You can but try.
Ami hits the switch on the front of the pc, and it whirs into life.
Ami: See. Told you it would work.
Makoto: Did not.
Ami: Semantics. I had more faith in its working than you did.
Makoto: Oh yeah? How do you know?
Ami: You said there wouldn't be any power left in the battery.
Makoto: No I didn't. I said I would be surprised if there was
any left. I didn't say it as the definite article.
Ami: Get a grip, girl.
The pc brings up the Windblows logo, then promptly crashes. Ami reboots the machine. This time the startup is successful and the pair are left staring at a plain desktop with a background of six girls in red and white school uniforms. One of the girls, who appears to be half the age of the rest, and has a couple of pigtails, is being hauled and spun about by an annoying looking girl with dark, shoulder-length hair. Another girl, with a vacuous smile, is pointing out from the screen, oblvious to what is going on. A fourth girl, attractive with long brown hair, is adjusting her glasses, whilst the fifth, the tallest girl with long black hair, stares out of the screen pensively. The last girl, tanned with short hair, has a hand over her eyes, as if looking out into the distance, though there doesn't appear to be much more going on behind her eyes than the vacuous one.
Ami: Ever seen this mob before?
Makoto: Looks like a pack of newbies, to me.
Ami: Yeah. We shouldn't be too worried about how popular
they'll become. Right?
Makoto: Right.
Ami: ....
Makoto: ....
Ami: Damn, we've been out of the loop for a long time.
Makoto: I'm feeling a little less live than I used to be.
Ami: You need a bit of that live action juice we have in the
backpack.
Makoto: Ugh.... Can't stand the stuff, myself. Makes you act
all kinda.... Well, kinda bad.
Ami: Yeah, but it gives you the much needed exposure.
Makoto: I'm about as exposed as I like to be, thanks very much.
Now where were we...?
Makoto moves the mouse and clicks on one of the few icons available.
Ami: That was great, doing that without a mousepad, and on
fine sand.
Makoto: I have many talents.
A window opens with a single file. The file is listed as "The Fanfic Formerly Known As.... Part 38.doc". Ami and Makoto swallow rather heavily.
Makoto: Holy shit! This is HIS machine.
Ami: I always wondered what happened to him.
Makoto: That evil bastard! The one who kept killing us out of
the blue.
Ami: Now I know where we are.
Makoto looks at Ami for a moment.
Makoto: What do you mean?
Ami: Well, it's obvious, isn't it?
Ami gestures to the desert around them.
Ami: This is the Writers Block Desert on the Lack Of Talent
Continent.
Makoto: Oh shit.
Ami: This place is as dry of plot, characterisation and ideas
as the Disney art department.
Makoto: ....
Ami: ....
They both look at each other for several moments, then back down at the pc.
Makoto: I always knew he'd end up here, one day. You can't keep
churning out new ideas without ever finishing them and
not end up wandering into this place.
Ami: What shall we do?
Makoto: We should bury this again. If it spends too much time in
the sun, he might be resurrected.
Ami: Oh hell, yes. Nobody would want that to happen.
Makoto: Well, I certainly can think of one person who wouldn't.
Ami: Careful. No lighting fires.
Makoto: In the middle of a desert? What would I be burning?
Ami: ....
Makoto: ....
Ami: Quickly, now.
They both place the pc and its parts into the depression in the sand from which it emerged, then push sand over it until it is completely covered. They stand back, brushing the sand from their hands.
Makoto: Should one of us say a few words?
Ami: Like what?
Makoto: Like "Here lies a total bastard who should never have
been given access to anime and a wordprocessor, long may
he be dead"?
Ami: Sounds about right to me. Quick, lets get outta here
before we run into any more wandering fanfic writers.
They both start walking back to their camels, when a hand emerges from the sand where the pc was buried. They freeze and look at each other with fear, then turn back to the hand. A strange gurgling sound echoes across the dunes as a dusty and dishevelled figure lifts itself from the sand.
DDFA: Bugger. Looks like I overslept.
DDFA brushes down the front of his tattered shirt. He then notices Ami and Makoto.
DDFA: Hi there. Can you tell me where I am? I seem to have
had a bit of a Ryouga kind of day.
Ami and Makoto scream and run back to their camels. Quickly hopping on, they jerk at the leads to get the camels standing, and take off across the dunes at speeds faster than any camel is designed for. DDFA watches them go, bewildered.
DDFA: Well, that was a bit unnecessary, I must say. What did
you think, Minako? Minako?
DDFA turns back to where a smaller pair of hands is trying to lift a body from the sand. DDFA runs over and hauls Minako from the sand. She lets out a long sigh of relief.
Minako: That's better. You don't know how dark it is down there.
DDFA: Yes I do. I was down there myself a minute ago.
Minako: Oh, that's right. Forgot.
DDFA: Anyway.... Ami and Makoto were here a second ago. I was
going to ask them if they wanted employment for part 39,
but they ran screaming for some reason. On camels, even.
Minako: Bugger. You mean we still can't meet up? After 38
parts, after all this time?
DDFA: Looks that way.
Minako: Well, you're just going to have to get back home and
continue writing this laughingly-described fanfic.
DDFA: Yeah yeah yeah.
DDFA reaches down into the sand and pulls the pc back out, bits and all. He then ties the pc to his back with his strap.
DDFA: See you in part 39. Don't forget to bring the snarf.
Minako: I won't.
DDFA wanders off through the desert. Minako brushes some sand from her hair and stares across the desert, seeing what appears to be a small caravan approaching.
Minako: I wonder who that might be....
END OF PART 38
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Will this chapter mark a return to the writing sphere for DDFA? Is the world running in terror, screaming at the very thought? Is there really a Writers Block Desert on the Lack Of Talent Continent, and if so, what does it have to do with the British spy series, Spooks? Will Minako ever meet anyone she is supposed to, and does anybody really care? None of this and more in the next overlate chapter of that unheralded classic (because it ain't true) "The Fanfic Formerly Known As....". Not available in High Definition Digital Television. Ever. Hopefully.
DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page) darkdayforanime@hotmail.com
SNARF 1.0 - Monday 14th July 2003
The Fanfic Formerly Known As.... by DaRk DaY fOr AnImE
Part Thirtyeight - The Departed Fic Rating: PG-13
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Scene: The middle of a desert, somewhere on the face of the planet. (No, it doesn't matter where. If it mattered where, then I would be specific. But as it doesn't matter, then you can just forget about being pedantic about these things. Like it bloody well matters in this fanfic). Ahem.... As I said, the middle of a desert. Half- buried in the top of a dune are the remains of a small home pc.
A minute or so passes before two figures (Ami and Makoto), covered up against the sun, approach, riding on the backs of camels.
Ami: Do you think these camels worry about how heavy we are?
Makoto: ....
Ami: ....
Makoto: ....
Ami: I said....
Makoto: I heard what you said.
Ami: Then why didn't you answer?
Makoto: I was thinking.
Ami: You were thinking?
Makoto: Yes. Does that surprise you.
Ami: Well, I guess something has to pass through your nervous
system at some stage.
Makoto: You're lookin' for a punch up the snout, you are.
Ami: There, see. Now you've stopped thinking and switched
back to autonomic reactions.
Makoto: Bitch.
Ami: Slut.
Makoto: Ho.
Ami: Slag.
Makoto: ....
Ami: ....
Makoto: ....
Ami: So, are you going to answer my question?
Makoto: What question?
Ami: The one about the camels.
Makoto: No. I'm not interested in camels. They're not my type.
Ami: Not that one. The other one.
Makoto: What other one?
Ami: I asked you whether you thought these camels were worried
about how heavy we are.
Makoto: Oh, that question.
Ami: Yes, that question.
Makoto: I see.
Ami: Well, are you going to answer it?
Makoto: Well, I'm not really interested in beastiality, you see,
so I guess the camels will never find out what it is like
to go with a girl on top....
Ami: You're one sick individual, you know that?
Makoto: Its an artform. By the way, do you see that?
Ami: See what?
Makoto points to the pc, half-buried in the sand a few yeards ahead.
Makoto: That.
Ami: Sorry. I was too busy thinking about camels.
Makoto: You should spend less time thinking about camels. It is
why you don't have any friends.
They both bring their camels to a halt, eventually allowing the beasts to lower themselves to the ground before they dismount. And after the previous conversation, that sounds really perverted.
They approach the pc and kneel down beside it on either side. After exchanging glances, they dig the sand away from around the pc and slowly pull it from the ground. They then dig further as wires attached to the back of the box show that there are still parts under the sand. Eventually they extracate a monitor, a keyboard, a mouse and a portable power supply. Sitting all the parts in place on the top of the dune, they stare at it, scratching their heads.
Ami: ....
Makoto: ....
Ami: I've seen this before, somewhere.
Makoto: ....
Ami: ....
Makoto: I can't say how. We're in the middle of a desert, and
we've never been round this part of the world, before.
Ami: I feel as if we've been wandering this desert for years.
Makoto: ....
Ami: ....
Makoto: Don't look at me. I'm not paying the late return fee for
the camels.
Ami: Well, it was you who suggested we go by camel through the
desert in the first place.
Makoto: Was it?
Ami: Yes.
Makoto: You must be right. We have been travelling through this
desert for years. My memory has gone right out the
window.
Ami: Don't change the subject. You're paying the late fee and
that is that!
Makoto: You can be so mercernary, sometimes.
Ami: Hanging around you, I'm not surprised.
Makoto: ....
Ami: ....
Makoto: You're right, you know. I DO recognise this computer.
It makes me feel really.... I dunno.... odd, for some
reason. As if it were involved in some horrible chapter
of my life that I've tried to forget.
Ami: Must've had fanfics written on it, then.
Makoto: Brrrr.... Spooky.
Ami: Well, should we turn it on?
Makoto: First camels, now computers. You never give up, do you?
Ami: Oh fer fooks sake.... I mean switch the computer on.
Ami gestures to the portable power source.
Ami: There might be power left in this battery.
Makoto: What? Having spent fuck knows how long in the middle of
this desert? I'm surprised if there is any juice left in
the thing.
Ami: You can but try.
Ami hits the switch on the front of the pc, and it whirs into life.
Ami: See. Told you it would work.
Makoto: Did not.
Ami: Semantics. I had more faith in its working than you did.
Makoto: Oh yeah? How do you know?
Ami: You said there wouldn't be any power left in the battery.
Makoto: No I didn't. I said I would be surprised if there was
any left. I didn't say it as the definite article.
Ami: Get a grip, girl.
The pc brings up the Windblows logo, then promptly crashes. Ami reboots the machine. This time the startup is successful and the pair are left staring at a plain desktop with a background of six girls in red and white school uniforms. One of the girls, who appears to be half the age of the rest, and has a couple of pigtails, is being hauled and spun about by an annoying looking girl with dark, shoulder-length hair. Another girl, with a vacuous smile, is pointing out from the screen, oblvious to what is going on. A fourth girl, attractive with long brown hair, is adjusting her glasses, whilst the fifth, the tallest girl with long black hair, stares out of the screen pensively. The last girl, tanned with short hair, has a hand over her eyes, as if looking out into the distance, though there doesn't appear to be much more going on behind her eyes than the vacuous one.
Ami: Ever seen this mob before?
Makoto: Looks like a pack of newbies, to me.
Ami: Yeah. We shouldn't be too worried about how popular
they'll become. Right?
Makoto: Right.
Ami: ....
Makoto: ....
Ami: Damn, we've been out of the loop for a long time.
Makoto: I'm feeling a little less live than I used to be.
Ami: You need a bit of that live action juice we have in the
backpack.
Makoto: Ugh.... Can't stand the stuff, myself. Makes you act
all kinda.... Well, kinda bad.
Ami: Yeah, but it gives you the much needed exposure.
Makoto: I'm about as exposed as I like to be, thanks very much.
Now where were we...?
Makoto moves the mouse and clicks on one of the few icons available.
Ami: That was great, doing that without a mousepad, and on
fine sand.
Makoto: I have many talents.
A window opens with a single file. The file is listed as "The Fanfic Formerly Known As.... Part 38.doc". Ami and Makoto swallow rather heavily.
Makoto: Holy shit! This is HIS machine.
Ami: I always wondered what happened to him.
Makoto: That evil bastard! The one who kept killing us out of
the blue.
Ami: Now I know where we are.
Makoto looks at Ami for a moment.
Makoto: What do you mean?
Ami: Well, it's obvious, isn't it?
Ami gestures to the desert around them.
Ami: This is the Writers Block Desert on the Lack Of Talent
Continent.
Makoto: Oh shit.
Ami: This place is as dry of plot, characterisation and ideas
as the Disney art department.
Makoto: ....
Ami: ....
They both look at each other for several moments, then back down at the pc.
Makoto: I always knew he'd end up here, one day. You can't keep
churning out new ideas without ever finishing them and
not end up wandering into this place.
Ami: What shall we do?
Makoto: We should bury this again. If it spends too much time in
the sun, he might be resurrected.
Ami: Oh hell, yes. Nobody would want that to happen.
Makoto: Well, I certainly can think of one person who wouldn't.
Ami: Careful. No lighting fires.
Makoto: In the middle of a desert? What would I be burning?
Ami: ....
Makoto: ....
Ami: Quickly, now.
They both place the pc and its parts into the depression in the sand from which it emerged, then push sand over it until it is completely covered. They stand back, brushing the sand from their hands.
Makoto: Should one of us say a few words?
Ami: Like what?
Makoto: Like "Here lies a total bastard who should never have
been given access to anime and a wordprocessor, long may
he be dead"?
Ami: Sounds about right to me. Quick, lets get outta here
before we run into any more wandering fanfic writers.
They both start walking back to their camels, when a hand emerges from the sand where the pc was buried. They freeze and look at each other with fear, then turn back to the hand. A strange gurgling sound echoes across the dunes as a dusty and dishevelled figure lifts itself from the sand.
DDFA: Bugger. Looks like I overslept.
DDFA brushes down the front of his tattered shirt. He then notices Ami and Makoto.
DDFA: Hi there. Can you tell me where I am? I seem to have
had a bit of a Ryouga kind of day.
Ami and Makoto scream and run back to their camels. Quickly hopping on, they jerk at the leads to get the camels standing, and take off across the dunes at speeds faster than any camel is designed for. DDFA watches them go, bewildered.
DDFA: Well, that was a bit unnecessary, I must say. What did
you think, Minako? Minako?
DDFA turns back to where a smaller pair of hands is trying to lift a body from the sand. DDFA runs over and hauls Minako from the sand. She lets out a long sigh of relief.
Minako: That's better. You don't know how dark it is down there.
DDFA: Yes I do. I was down there myself a minute ago.
Minako: Oh, that's right. Forgot.
DDFA: Anyway.... Ami and Makoto were here a second ago. I was
going to ask them if they wanted employment for part 39,
but they ran screaming for some reason. On camels, even.
Minako: Bugger. You mean we still can't meet up? After 38
parts, after all this time?
DDFA: Looks that way.
Minako: Well, you're just going to have to get back home and
continue writing this laughingly-described fanfic.
DDFA: Yeah yeah yeah.
DDFA reaches down into the sand and pulls the pc back out, bits and all. He then ties the pc to his back with his strap.
DDFA: See you in part 39. Don't forget to bring the snarf.
Minako: I won't.
DDFA wanders off through the desert. Minako brushes some sand from her hair and stares across the desert, seeing what appears to be a small caravan approaching.
Minako: I wonder who that might be....
END OF PART 38
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^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Will this chapter mark a return to the writing sphere for DDFA? Is the world running in terror, screaming at the very thought? Is there really a Writers Block Desert on the Lack Of Talent Continent, and if so, what does it have to do with the British spy series, Spooks? Will Minako ever meet anyone she is supposed to, and does anybody really care? None of this and more in the next overlate chapter of that unheralded classic (because it ain't true) "The Fanfic Formerly Known As....". Not available in High Definition Digital Television. Ever. Hopefully.
DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page) darkdayforanime@hotmail.com
SNARF 1.0 - Monday 14th July 2003
