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The Fanfic Formerly Known As.... by DaRk DaY fOr AnImE

Part Thirtynine - The Front Fic Rating: PG-13

Usual disclaimer about Sailormoon, Azumanga Daioh and all the other series I'm ripping off here.... :)

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Scene: The middle of a desert, somewhere on the face of the planet. No, it still doesn't matter what part of the planet. Just imagine a section of Earth in your head, and leave it there. If you don't, you'll catch scabies, or something very much like it.

Minako is standing on top of a dune, next to a pair of trousers much too large for her, staring across the desert at an approaching caravan. (You know, the desert type with lots of camels and such that you see in all those cheesy arabian-style movies.... Not the kind you hitch to the back of your car and go on long trips to the country with....)

Minako: I wonder who that might be....

The caravan is made up of a dozen camels and dromedaries, all of which are carrying two people and their belongings. On the first of these camels sits Koenma-sama, who brings the caravan to a halt with a wave of a hand. Sitting behind him is Usagi, who is rubbing her eyes with disbelief.

Usagi: Its a mirage. Has to be.

Koenma: Naw, tis the real thing, lassie.

Minako facefaults.

Minako: A scottish god of the underworld....

Koenma: Kin ye think of someone better ta be the god of the
underworld, noo lassie?

Minako: ....

Koenma: ....

Minako: ....

Koenma: Don't try n' think too hard 'bout it, then.

Usagi: This is Minako. She doesn't think.

Koenma: Ah.... fergot 'bout that.

Minako: Don't mind me, or anything.

Usagi: Okay. We won't.

Minako: At least I'm not dead.

Usagi: Not yet, you're not.

Minako: What the hell are you doing in the middle of the desert?
And what the hell are all those weird things on all the
other camels?

Minako points to all the cute anime critters sitting on various other camels.

Mokona: Puu....

ChuChu: Chu.... Chu chu....

Maya: Niyaaaoooo.

Kuroneko: Nyaa.

Otosan: Yo!

Tama: Niii?

Kero-chan: I knew I should have tried out for Who Wants to Be a
Millionaire. This gig is a complete and utter dump.

Mokona: Puu....

Kero-chan: Easy for you to say.

Usagi and Koenma look back at the critters and shrug.

Koenma: Well, we're refugees from ah fanfic. What do you expect?

Minako: Oh, I see....

Koenma: ....

Usagi: ....

Minako: ....

Koenma: ....

Usagi: She's standing by a pair of trousers too big for her.

Minako looks down at the trousers.

Minako: Oh, those. They must be DDFA's

Usagi: ....

Koenma: ....

Minako: ....

Usagi: ....

Koenma: ....

Minako: What?

Usagi: You're getting a bit desperate in your old age, aren't
you?

Minako: What? What do you mean?

A light pings on in Minako's head, and she gets a clue.

Minako: Why you....

Koenma: Now now, lassies, theres no need for this.

Whilst this has been going on, several of the camels have lowered themselves to the ground, and one of the human riders has dismounted. The shortish figure, covered in robes for protection from the glare of the sun, walks over to the trousers and kneels down to them. Minako, Koenma and Usagi watch. The figure turns to Minako, and she can see that it is a girl her own age, with dark hair and an utterly vacuous expression.

Osaka: Why do they call these "pants" AND "trousers"? Surely
just one name would be okay.

Minako: I.... Uh.... I've never thought about it.

Koenma: Careful, Minako. She's an expert in the martial art of
Baka-Do. She can lower your IQ by fifty points with the
merest glance.

Usagi: Of course, Minako doesn't have a lot left to lose, so she
has to be extra careful.

Minako: Bitch.

Usagi: Slut.

Osaka tugs on Minako's arm, rediverting her attention.

Osaka: Some of these "trousers" are called "jeans". Are they
made from human DNA?

Minako: Umm.... No, that's completely different.

Osaka: Completely different.

Osaka looks at the trousers.

Osaka: Different.

Minako: ....

Osaka: ....

Minako: ....

Osaka: ....

Minako: My god.... I can FEEL my brain melting out of my ears.

Koenma: Don't say ah didn't warn ye, lassie.

Usagi: That's just overrun from before.

Minako: Bitch.

Usagi: Slut.

Mokona: Puu.

Usagi: Shutup.

Mokona: PUUUUU!!! (Angry)

Osaka: ....

Minako: ....

Osaka looks back up at Minako.

Osaka: Then what are "stone-washed" and "cut-offs"?

Minako collapses to the sand.

Minako: Lord, preserve us....

Osaka: These trousers don't have a belt.

Minako: I know. The owner used the belt to tie his computer to
his back.

Osaka: His computer?

Minako: Yes, you know.... The boxes that go "bing".

Osaka: My computer at home doesn't go "bing".

Minako: Oh really?

Osaka: I can't find the "on" switch to begin with.

Minako: ....

Osaka: But at least it looks pretty, sitting in the corner of
my room.

Minako: ....

Osaka: Chiyo-chan once found the "on" switch, but I forgot where
it was.

Minako: ....

Osaka: She says I should use a different system on my machine.
I didn't understand what she meant. Something about the
window and an emmy....

Minako: ....

Osaka: Why a window would win an emmy award is beyond me,
though.

Minako: ....

Osaka: Although it would probably be a better choice than many
of the eligible actors.

Minako: Hell.... I am in hell....

Osaka: Do you think these trousers would fit my computer?

Koenma: That's enough, Osaka. Get back on your camel.

Osaka: Okay. ^_^

Osaka stands and happily plods back to her camel.

Koenma: So, lassie. Ya said these trousers belong ta DDFA, did
ye?

Minako: My brain.... My brain....

Koenma: oh, get up, lassie! You're not dead yet.

Minako struggles to her feet.

Minako: I can't remember. I can't remember anything.

Usagi: Condition normal, then.

Minako: Bitch.

Usagi: Slut.

Koenma: Thass enough, from the both of ye! Minako, you get up
on one of the camels. You can probably guide us to
wherever it is that DDFA has got himself. We've been
left hanging on a plot thread and we need resolution, or
we might be wandering the desert for all eternity!

Minako: My brain.... My brain....

Minako starts to wander towards one of the camels, then realises that Osaka is already sitting on it, smiling at her vacuously.

Minako: Oh no.... I'm not getting on the camel with her.

Koenma: Oh, come on lassie.... Tis the only camel left with room
on it.

Usagi: SUUUCKEEERRRRR!

Minako: Bitch.

Usagi: Slut.

Minako: If I get on the camel with her, I won't be able to
remember anything.

Koenma: Oh, you'll be surprised. Osaka there is our best
tracker. She doesn't let a thing distract her.

Minako: That's because she doesn't have a nervous system to
distract.

Usagi: Then you should fit in together perfectly.

Minako: What is it with you, today?

Usagi: Call it necrotic angst. I've been dead for a while and
I'm looking for the bastard fanfic writer who made me
this way so he can bring me back to life. Why the hell
else would I be so pissed off? I mean, it isn't as if
you've got nothing better to do than keep people waiting
for the end of the bloody fanfic. I mean, it USED to be
called "Waiting For Minako"! You kept everyone waiting
so bloody long that the writer had to change the title!
Mumble mumble turtle scrubs grumble grumble.

Koenma: Don't you be mindin' her, lassie. She's just pissed off
that we only have black jellybeans to eat. It was all we
could salvage from the ruins of Hades.

Minako: B.... black jellybeans?

Koenma: Yah. Aniseed flavour. Sucks big time.

Minako's head starts to spin as she wanders over to the lowered camel where Osaka is waiting. She gets on in front of Osaka, who holds out a brown paper bag.

Osaka: Black jellybean?

Minako: ....

Osaka: ....

Minako: Uhh.... No thanks. I'm trying to give them up.

Osaka: Really? Don't you like them?

Minako: Not much, no.

Osaka: That's bigoted jellybeanism, you know. I should report
you.

Minako: They're sugar, gelatine and artificial colouring and
flavouring. I don't think people are going to be too
worried about their feelings.

Osaka looks hurt.

Osaka: But they're my friends. I talk to them every day,
telling them how good it is for them to be jellybeans,
how they are very talented and loved, and that they
have a bright future....

Minako: Before you eat them.

Osaka: Well, there is a downside to everything.

Minako sighs and points off in a direction as the camel rises to its feet once more.

Minako: He went off in that direction, I seem to remember.

Koenma: Very well. Let us hope your memory and Osaka's tracking
skills are enough for us to find him.

Usagi: We're doomed.

Minako: You're already dead. What do you have to worry about?

Usagi: Hmph.

Koenma gestures to the caravan and they move out, leaving the pair of trousers behind. A minute or so later, there is a rumbling sound, and a line develops across the dunes, as if something is tunneling its way towards the trousers. When it reaches them, Takino Tomo leaps from the ground, in her PE gear.

Tomo: GOOOOAAAALLLL!

She then pauses and looks around.

Tomo: Oh.... They're gone.

She clenches a fist.

Tomo: That wasn't very nice of them. I'm just going to have
to TEACH THEM A LESSON!!!!

She puts her hands on her hips and begins to laugh maniacally.

Tomo: Nobody can escape Takino Tomo, international idol and
world-reknowned intellect.

Otosan: Yo!

Tomo jumps in surprise, then gives the large, floating cat-like thing a dubious stare.

Tomo: Where did you come from?

Otosan: Where do you think I came from?

Tomo: Uhhh....

Tomo thinks. This takes a while, so we'll cut to a random scene from another DDFA fanfic....

----o

There was another creaking sound, this time closer. Both girls turned towards the doorway.

"There IS someone in here." Rei clutched Hotaru's arm.

"That was too soft to be a footstep."

"But there is someone, or something, moving through the residence....." Rei was on the edge of panic. "I don't want to end up like Makoto.... Oh KAMI no...."

Rei stood and started to back away, her arm held by Hotaru. "No, Mars. If there is someone in here, we must FIGHT them."

Something brushed against the door, and they both turned, trembling with fear and anticipation.

"Mars? Saturn? What are you doing in a dark room?"

"We've been looking for you everywhere."

Both Senshi looked down at the two small feline figures that stood in the doorway.

"Luna... Artemis... thank KAMI it's only you." Hotaru answered, breathing a sigh of relief.

"ONLY us?" Luna frowned. "What on Earth has been going on here?"

Before Hotaru could answer, she felt Rei's arm go limp, and turned in surprise as the fire senshi fainted, falling to the floor.

"Mars!" Hotaru managed to grab her before her head hit. She cradled Rei, gently lowering her head down as Luna and Artemis ran to her side.

"You really MUST explain to me what has been going on. We can't seem to find anyone."

----o

As you can tell, there is this fairly consistent theme is DDFA fanfics.... Anyway, Tomo finally complete her thinking.

Tomo: Mars!

Otosan: You think I came from Mars?

Tomo: Haaaaiii! You're floating like an alien would, and you
look weird, so you must be an alien from Mars!

Otosan: Are you saying I look weird?

Otosan starts to change into weird colours, shaking as if he is going to explode. Tomo back away nervously.

Tomo: Well, not weird for an alien.

Otosan returns to normal.

Otosan: Well, that is alright, then.

Tomo: So, where did you come from?

Otosan: That caravan on the dune over there.

He points.

Otosan: They left me behind whilst I was taking a leak. Now
excuse me.... I've got to catch them up.

And with that, he floats away. Tomo watches him go, scratching her head.

Tomo: Must be Tuesday.

She turns and sighs.

Tomo: Now I have to dig all the way back to school. I
shouldn't have made that bet with Sakaki-san that I could
dig my way to America.

She clenches her fist, looking determined.

Tomo: But I got there first! When I arrived, she was nowehere
to be found. There were a lot of FBI and CIA counter-
terrorist guys, though. They must've been after someone
who looks like me. Ah well, whatever. I got there
first, so that's all that matters.

Cut to another scene. Sakaki-san, sitting high in a tree, somewhere in the Rockies. She has a dreamy expression on her face as a mother squirrel and her babies sleep in her lap.

Cut back to Tomo.

Tomo: Ah well, I better lie down and have a nap before I start
my way back....

She spots something approaching in the distance.

Tomo: I wonder what this can be....

END OF PART 39 TO BE CONTINUED....

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Is Tomo really in the middle of the desert? Does Osaka have the ability to make peoples' brains melt? Is Sakaki up a tree with a family of squirrels? Will the caravan ever find DDFA? What has happened to Ami and Makoto? Will the fanfic ever get away from this bloody sand dune? Is all the sand used in this fic little more than offcuts from David Lynch's film version of Dune? Is there enough legs in a movie about the life and times of sand? Will it be called "SAND: THE MOVIE"? And why would anyone make a movie about sand? Little of any of this, and even less, in the next distracting chapter of this utterly utter saga, "The Fanfic Formerly Known As....". There can be only one, McLeod!!!!

DDFA (The Right Dishonourable Mark A Page) darkdayforanime@hotmail.com

SNARF 1.0 - Tuesday 15th July 2003