Chapter 11
Brennan's headache was only worsening as the time passed. He didn't know how long he had been out, but he did know that soon he would be given the opportunity to make right all the things that he destroyed out of fear.

When he first realized that he could not see and might never walk without assistance, he was angry. Anger that he had no problem aiming at anything and everything. Before this accident happened, he had all the things that were held dear by every writer and poet he had ever read. He had friends who were more like family than friends, he had a purpose, he was no longer a "freak of nature" making his way alone, and most of all, he had love just inches from being within his grasp. Now he would lose it all. It was easy enough to blame Jesse; after all, if he had only massed instead of phasing, Brennan knew he would not have been injured. Jesse knew it too - if he hadn't believed it also, then he would have at least come by to visit.

Then there was Emma. Hell, he didn't even know who the GSA was until she came crashing into his life. He was content just being who he was; maybe it wasn't as noble as Robin Hood, but he was as good as they got most of the time. It was a win/win situation. He would rob the big company for the owners. They would make double what they lost from the insurance companies who were bigger cons than he ever hoped to be, and in the end, his pocket was lined with enough to feed himself and a few of the street urchins who would be hanging out in the wrong side of town if he hadn't been seeing to their needs.

While on the list of blame, Adam was up there at the top. If not for him, Jesse could not have phased. The GSA would not have any interests in any of them at all. Still, if not for Adam, none of them would be alive today - none of them, not him, not Jesse, not Emma, nor Shalimar.

**Dear God... Shalimar.**

Brennan's thoughts flashed though his life as a member of Mutant X. Each member one way or another would become important in his life. But with Shalimar, it was different. She was becoming so much more than family, or friend. They had gotten so close, he should have known better than to get involved. Nothing good ever came by getting to close to anyone. Hearts, like trust, in this life were too easily broken. He knew that coming into this game. Why did he let himself get so close? He knew what would happen. He had seen it happen so many times before he saw it happen to her. If you let someone close enough, they will abandon you. Sometimes they do it on purpose, sometimes they are not given a choice. Richard loved her, and in the end, his death gave her a chance for life. Bren knew his death, or life as it were, gave Shalimar nothing but grief. A grief even he didn't want to be burdened with.

He was no longer of any use to Mutant X; Shalimar still was. He believed had to break the bonds between them before he was the one who broke her. He was no longer useful to anyone. There was no going back or forward. Life for him was over, despite the chance that he would live and maybe regain his sight and full use of his legs. He had seen the faults in the way he once ran his life; that life was over. He couldn't be the cause of pain in those he had called friends, those he loved more than life it self. He remembered the pain in Shal's eyes any time something reminded her of the man whom she loved. Brennan wasn't sure she felt about him the way he felt about her. He just knew he could never stand the thought of her ever going through that again. He had to make her hate him. He had to separate himself from one of the few people he didn't want to live without.

It took a couple of weeks before his self-pity ran its course. The fact was, he had no one to blame but himself. Emma and Adam often tried to coddle him. "Every thing is going to be fine," they would tell him, but he knew better. He took every opportunity to piss them off. With Emma, Adam, and Shal it wasn't often effective, especially when that 'never say die' attitude would creep in and he would brake out in bad jokes. Still he continued to try.

Emma was the bridge. He couldn't fool her; she knew what he was doing from the get go. He had no doubt she delved uninvited into his head more than once. She knew that he truly didn't believe a word he said, but he could still hurt her. Words are very powerful, especially when they come from someone you care about. The longer the days got, the easier it was to say the hurtful things that he needed to say in order to push them away. Emma was the strongest; she let him know in no uncertain terms she knew what he was doing. She would ream him up one side of the wall and down the other. She wasn't fooled for a second. He would have to settle for hurting her feelings.

Then there was Adam. He was, for lack of a better description... Adam. There was nothing Brennan could say that he had not said to himself. When Adam could not solve the problem with the swelling in his head and his back, it only drove him to be more protective, despite what Brennan said or did. The only one he wasn't sure about was Shal... but soon Shal showed up as often as Jesse, which was never. At least he had broken that bond.

He believed death would now be a welcome relief. And if he lived, it would be alone in the dark... just punishment for the pain he knew he caused.

But that was then this was now. He couldn't die leaving Jesse or Adam believing they failed him. Jesse had become, in every sense of the word, his brother. A brother he was honored to have. Granted a bit sentimental, but smart, really smart. He needed to know that this wasn't his fault. And no matter what happened, he made the time he spent as a member of Mutant X more than bearable. He made it worthwhile. Still, in his heart, the most important unsolved problem was Shalimar. He didn't want to die without her knowing the truth. He loved her. It may not have ever been meant to be, but he did love her, and he would bare the weight of sorrow he caused her through eternity.