FOOLS FOR LIFE:
CHAPTER 40: FACING IT ALL
They stayed in the room for the rest of the night and the following day. Which was mostly necessity. Spike needed to feed and rest to regain his strength, and neither of them could go out into the sun.
He told her everything he'd done. Why he kidnapped her, his deal with D'Hoffryn, what they had to do. She listened quietly with a nod here and there and when he was done she said, "Alright. I...understand what you did and why you did it. You wanted to help. And maybe you really have. But you should have told me, Spike. That wasn't just your decision to make."
"I wanted to make it right. And you were not all that clear headed. And the Scoobs would have dragged things on with talking and protesting. I...didn't want to chance it."
She nodded again her mouth a little tight. "Well, next time, you tell me." Her voice was gentle but commanding. He sighed and nodded back.
"Well, the situation is what it is. So we find Anya's boss that stone. If, of course, he doesn't intend on ruling the world with it or something," she said.
Spike shook his head. He hadn't actually considered that, but he wasn't going to let her know that. It was nothing he had cared about. "He's powerful enough as it is, and he's got plenty of other doohickeys. He may not even be able to use it like he wants to. He can't even enter the place. I really think he just wants to make sure no one else can use it against him."
He wanted to make sure there was nothing that would keep her from getting on with the plan. If she felt this was the 'wrong' thing to do she wouldn't. And then what? He'd have to drug her again? Better not. To his relief she agreed.
"Yeah, I can see that. And I guess if he tucks it away in his collection, at least no one else can grab it...."
He wondered if she meant it or if part of her wanted to go with that because it meant her salvation...if so, it was probably another example of HIS thinking in her head. Well, so be it.
He drank all the blood he needed and felt himself get stronger again. By next sunset he would be okay, he knew that. Blood was the key to everything with vampires. No matter what happened, if they were in one piece and had blood, they got better pretty quickly.
Buffy tried to act normal around him, but it was hard. Nothing was normal. They still smoked together, she still loved the smell of blood and every time she saw his neck, the wound slowly healing, she would quickly stare at her shoes. He wasn't sure if she felt guilt or desire, and decided sine she was still under the spell it was most likely both.
By the time the sun came up they both were lying on the bed, looking at traffic news and morning shows. Pretty grating, Spike thought, but anything would do to distract them from the strange vibe that hung around them.
As a woman in a chopper yapped on about a garbage truck that fell over on the highway, delaying traffic, Buffy suddenly said: "I.....I hope I do remember."
"What?" he said, uncertain what she meant.
"You said before when I was....I was....."
"You can say it luv, you fed off me. It's no big thing to me other than that you took a little too much and it was a bad time for it.....no need to get all bent out of shape...."
"Oh no, sure...," she said "I just sucked every last drop of blood from your body, and I loved every second of it. That's nothing to get bent out of shape over when you're the frikkin' SLAYER!"
"Just sayin'...."
"I know. A spell, not my fault. But it was still me. I know that. The changes weren't my fault, but....I'm not going to do what I did last time I acted.....like a monster."
"Luv.."
"NO!" she snapped. "Last time I thought it wasn't my fault. I'd come back 'wrong'. You said it yourself. And that meant I could do whatever I wanted. Every little dark and perverse fantasy I could act out, every whim of anger and cruelty and self indulgence......but it was all me Spike! Tara told me that. And it broke me! I'm not going to do that again. This WAS a spell but I'm not going to hide behind it."
"Alright...what does that mean?"
"That I acknowledge my part in it..." she said trying to sound resolved but with a shaky voice.
"I'm not good at seeing my darker side, Spike. That's what the last few months have taught me. When people would hint at it I would draw away and deny it. Me, my character or my being the Slayer.... Dracula said it was rooted in darkness, and he was right. I have darkness. I hunt and I kill and I like it. Even when the things I kill are monsters I still like the act of it! I enjoy the fighting and the rush of winning."
She sat up straight and closed her eyes. "And I wonder about death. And I've wondered what it was like to drink blood and what it feels like to actually like it. Just every now and then, and thinking too deeply about it would just gross me out, but you can't help it cross your mind. Dracula knew that too. He offered me his blood to taste, and I took it. And it was of my own free will."
Spike clenched his jaws at the mention of Dracula getting to her so much on so many levels, but he stayed silent, knowing this was not the time for male 'ego-isms'.
"He asked me if after all that time fighting vampires I never wondered what it was like, the blood. And of course I had. And now this curse...me taking on your aspects...it also gave me freedom. Freedom to do things I wondered about....and maybe it's good in the long run. A good hard look in the dark mirror. Maybe even good in terms of Slaying ....to see things from their side.....to know what it's like."
"Hey, it doesn't mean.."
"I should see things all differently? That Slaying is wrong? No, they feed on humans.....I am a human and I protect......."
"Your tribe..?" Spike said.
"Something like that. But....it has taught me a lot." She looked at him. "Also about you. I'm sorry Spike. I told you that before, but it didn't.....I dreamed when I was unconscious....I saw things....that we went through, from your eyes..it was all garbled and confusing but...I didn't know. I saw myself how no one can see themselves. And I'm sorry for how I treated you....."
Spike swallowed. He wasn't sure what the right response was to all this.
"And you said, when I was..drinking, that if I remembered later maybe we could talk. I hope when I'm cured I do remember. I'm not saying....anything, but....I should remember. All of this. How your vampire traits locked onto my own thoughts, the ones I didn't admit I had. How I treated you....and how it feels to....want those things...."
"Now what 'things' would those be? Blood or blond Slayers in leather?" he said teasingly.
She grinned. "Both."
"So, at dusk we go to fetch the stone?"
"Yeah.....This whole little walk in Darky Park was interesting but, god, I want to be normal again. I may not be bumpy but I have the fangs constantly....can't even make them disappear. And....I'd like to walk in the sun again at some point in my life."
He nodded. "It's where you belong. Well, partially. Part of you is in the dark. I was right about that. But I was wrong when I thought all of you was." He reached out and stroked her hair. "You belong in the sun too. Seeing you as dark as myself.....made me realize that. You need to be in the light too." He smiled and added: "And literally as well. I wish I could see the sunlight bounce off your hair."
She smiled and, to his surprise laid back down and cuddled up to him. "Well you did once, when you had that ring...."
"Ah, yeah.....the gem of Amara." He thought back and wondered how such a short time ago could feel like a lifetime already.
"Of course, you were too busy trying to kill me and screwing Harmony to notice how lovely my hair looked in the sun....."
"Yeah, new topic." He cleared his throat.
"What WAS that anyway? I mean, *her* of all people. Maybe I'm NOT so flattered you like me. I mean, if that puts me in her category...."
"Hey, she's nowhere near your league! I was just...."
"Dumped, angry and in need of a regular shag that would also improve your hurt male ego??"
"........that would cover it."
She giggled and it was so contagious he laughed too. They laid in silence for a while, apart from the sounds of annoying commercials on TV. Then she yawned and rolled off his chest and onto her back, although she stayed close to him. She rubbed her head as if she had a migraine and sighed a little.
Spike never took his eyes off the TV when he said, "You're hungry aren't you?"
She flustered a little. "Yeah."
"Feeling a bit weak and all that?"
"I..."
"Thought so. You need more blood."
"NO! And how do you know! I mean what.....even if I do need it, I had plenty last night! Maybe I need real food."
He shook his head. "No, you're like a fledgling vamp. In the first 2 days or so, we have a hunger that's nearly insatiable. Like a newborn needing to be fed every couple of hours. And you have to, because you have to be all strong and healthy. Who knows what opposition we'll meet when we get the stone."
She sighed. "So I have to....."
"Yes, and you know part of you still wants it too."
"Which is the point of not doing it. You want me all nutso again?"
He sat up straight and looked at her. "Look pet, remember that little speech you just gave me about facing your darker side? Well this would be a good way to do that. You need to feed. You want to feed. It's not your fault you both need and want. So do it."
She sighed. "I don't want to want to. I'm tired of feeling like a monster."
"Yeah, so you keep saying. Well you have a cigarette now when the urge hits, so see this like that. And you're not hurting anyone. Unless you feel for plastic bags getting all torn."
"No, I......"
"God woman, you eat cows! And pigs! And chickens! If chickens had Slayers it would be killing humans to protect her 'people'! Everyone eats something that lives! Even veggies! Maybe there should be a Slayer-Plant for them eh?"
She frowned. "Slayer-Plant?"
"Never mind that! The point is you always eat the flesh of something that once lived in your normal life and you think it's just peachy! There's blood in gravy! Which is just groovy! Right? Well now you can and need to drink blood. And you like it just as much if not more. So do it."
She looked at the bags. She slowly got up and picked one up. She shot him a glance: "Giles would so say you're a bad influence."
"No, after all this, watcher boy would try to kill me. And if he saw you needed to empty a blood bag to survive, he'd force feed it to you."
She thought for a moment and tore the bag. Then she put her mouth on the tear and squeezed the bag, squirting the contents in her mouth. She drank but he instantly saw her face change. She tried to swallow again but her face turned into a scowl.
"It....won't...I can't. What's wrong? It tastes...I don't know, not really different....it's blah! Why is it blah!? Don't tell me I need it but my taste for it is going?! Why can't it ALL be gone then?"
Spike sighed. "Yeah...also like a fledgling. Must drink it from a body."
"What? I tasted it from a bag before. On the porch." She stared down. "And it was.....fine."
"Yeah, maybe that was fresher. But more likely you'd only gotten the bare basics of bloodlust. Now you're really like a newborn vamp. And baby doesn't want the bottle. Alright, looks like you're gonna have another taste of my deliciousness then."
She stared at his chest. "What, now it's breast feeding??"
Spike stiffened and cleared his throat. "Alright, forget that metaphor. Just come here and feed."
"NO! I almost killed you last time! I'm not......And you need to be strong too! You're the wisher, with the wish in his heart and all that!"
He walked up to her and held her by the shoulders. "Yeah, and that's why you're now gonna put your money where your mouth is."
She looked uncertain. "Now, I put money on your neck?"
"NO! You're going to live up to your little speech. You bite me, feed off me. Some! And then you stop! You control it. And I feed off the bags. And after a little waiting, you feed off me again if you need it. And we do that until we both are as well fed as can be! And you do the sucking, and give in to it all. Enjoy the hell out of me. Don't worry about hurting me I'll enjoy it in my own way, believe me. And you control it! You stop when it's time. When you're cured you'll think it's all disgusting again, so don't worry about what you feel now."
She looked at him, with doubt in her eyes and slightly shaking her head 'no'.
"Face the dark side pet, give in to it, tame it, enjoy it, and then put it back in it's cage! 'Squeamish', 'weird' and 'wrong' are all on the bus to Albuquerque! Do what you gotta do!"
She swallowed, then nodded. Then frowned. "When did you get all...Mr. Firm- but-Right, anyway?"
"Probably when you turned into 'Spuffy'," he grinned. She opened her mouth in agitation but he interrupted her before she could begin. "Heard Willow mumble that one a couple of times. Vampire hearing, luv."
"Great."
"Now, get to it. Bar's open."
She nodded again. He sat down in the bed and tilted his head. She moved to sit down beside him....then changed her mind and sat on his lap. He looked at her, pleasantly surprised. "Yeah well," she muttered, "Don't let it go to your head."
He tilted his head again and he could tell she felt the desire come back. She put her one arm around his shoulder and her other hand on the back of his neck. She opened her mouth and he felt her breath and the tips of her fangs, ready to tear open the barely-healed wound again. At least this time he would be able to partially enjoy it....
Then before she bit, her head snapped back up. He looked at her and she was frowning. "Why are they on the bus to Albuquerque??" she asked.
"I don't bloody know!" he said, exasperated.
She smiled and gave a little shrug. Then she bent down again and gently but firmly bit deep, again finding the vein effortlessly. Spike shivered with the pain and the sensation.
As the sound of her swallowing reached his ears again, he put his arm around her. The pain dulled into the sweet intimate feeling of the feeding and he had to bite his tongue several times not to say it out loud:
"God, I love you...."
** **
TBC
CHAPTER 40: FACING IT ALL
They stayed in the room for the rest of the night and the following day. Which was mostly necessity. Spike needed to feed and rest to regain his strength, and neither of them could go out into the sun.
He told her everything he'd done. Why he kidnapped her, his deal with D'Hoffryn, what they had to do. She listened quietly with a nod here and there and when he was done she said, "Alright. I...understand what you did and why you did it. You wanted to help. And maybe you really have. But you should have told me, Spike. That wasn't just your decision to make."
"I wanted to make it right. And you were not all that clear headed. And the Scoobs would have dragged things on with talking and protesting. I...didn't want to chance it."
She nodded again her mouth a little tight. "Well, next time, you tell me." Her voice was gentle but commanding. He sighed and nodded back.
"Well, the situation is what it is. So we find Anya's boss that stone. If, of course, he doesn't intend on ruling the world with it or something," she said.
Spike shook his head. He hadn't actually considered that, but he wasn't going to let her know that. It was nothing he had cared about. "He's powerful enough as it is, and he's got plenty of other doohickeys. He may not even be able to use it like he wants to. He can't even enter the place. I really think he just wants to make sure no one else can use it against him."
He wanted to make sure there was nothing that would keep her from getting on with the plan. If she felt this was the 'wrong' thing to do she wouldn't. And then what? He'd have to drug her again? Better not. To his relief she agreed.
"Yeah, I can see that. And I guess if he tucks it away in his collection, at least no one else can grab it...."
He wondered if she meant it or if part of her wanted to go with that because it meant her salvation...if so, it was probably another example of HIS thinking in her head. Well, so be it.
He drank all the blood he needed and felt himself get stronger again. By next sunset he would be okay, he knew that. Blood was the key to everything with vampires. No matter what happened, if they were in one piece and had blood, they got better pretty quickly.
Buffy tried to act normal around him, but it was hard. Nothing was normal. They still smoked together, she still loved the smell of blood and every time she saw his neck, the wound slowly healing, she would quickly stare at her shoes. He wasn't sure if she felt guilt or desire, and decided sine she was still under the spell it was most likely both.
By the time the sun came up they both were lying on the bed, looking at traffic news and morning shows. Pretty grating, Spike thought, but anything would do to distract them from the strange vibe that hung around them.
As a woman in a chopper yapped on about a garbage truck that fell over on the highway, delaying traffic, Buffy suddenly said: "I.....I hope I do remember."
"What?" he said, uncertain what she meant.
"You said before when I was....I was....."
"You can say it luv, you fed off me. It's no big thing to me other than that you took a little too much and it was a bad time for it.....no need to get all bent out of shape...."
"Oh no, sure...," she said "I just sucked every last drop of blood from your body, and I loved every second of it. That's nothing to get bent out of shape over when you're the frikkin' SLAYER!"
"Just sayin'...."
"I know. A spell, not my fault. But it was still me. I know that. The changes weren't my fault, but....I'm not going to do what I did last time I acted.....like a monster."
"Luv.."
"NO!" she snapped. "Last time I thought it wasn't my fault. I'd come back 'wrong'. You said it yourself. And that meant I could do whatever I wanted. Every little dark and perverse fantasy I could act out, every whim of anger and cruelty and self indulgence......but it was all me Spike! Tara told me that. And it broke me! I'm not going to do that again. This WAS a spell but I'm not going to hide behind it."
"Alright...what does that mean?"
"That I acknowledge my part in it..." she said trying to sound resolved but with a shaky voice.
"I'm not good at seeing my darker side, Spike. That's what the last few months have taught me. When people would hint at it I would draw away and deny it. Me, my character or my being the Slayer.... Dracula said it was rooted in darkness, and he was right. I have darkness. I hunt and I kill and I like it. Even when the things I kill are monsters I still like the act of it! I enjoy the fighting and the rush of winning."
She sat up straight and closed her eyes. "And I wonder about death. And I've wondered what it was like to drink blood and what it feels like to actually like it. Just every now and then, and thinking too deeply about it would just gross me out, but you can't help it cross your mind. Dracula knew that too. He offered me his blood to taste, and I took it. And it was of my own free will."
Spike clenched his jaws at the mention of Dracula getting to her so much on so many levels, but he stayed silent, knowing this was not the time for male 'ego-isms'.
"He asked me if after all that time fighting vampires I never wondered what it was like, the blood. And of course I had. And now this curse...me taking on your aspects...it also gave me freedom. Freedom to do things I wondered about....and maybe it's good in the long run. A good hard look in the dark mirror. Maybe even good in terms of Slaying ....to see things from their side.....to know what it's like."
"Hey, it doesn't mean.."
"I should see things all differently? That Slaying is wrong? No, they feed on humans.....I am a human and I protect......."
"Your tribe..?" Spike said.
"Something like that. But....it has taught me a lot." She looked at him. "Also about you. I'm sorry Spike. I told you that before, but it didn't.....I dreamed when I was unconscious....I saw things....that we went through, from your eyes..it was all garbled and confusing but...I didn't know. I saw myself how no one can see themselves. And I'm sorry for how I treated you....."
Spike swallowed. He wasn't sure what the right response was to all this.
"And you said, when I was..drinking, that if I remembered later maybe we could talk. I hope when I'm cured I do remember. I'm not saying....anything, but....I should remember. All of this. How your vampire traits locked onto my own thoughts, the ones I didn't admit I had. How I treated you....and how it feels to....want those things...."
"Now what 'things' would those be? Blood or blond Slayers in leather?" he said teasingly.
She grinned. "Both."
"So, at dusk we go to fetch the stone?"
"Yeah.....This whole little walk in Darky Park was interesting but, god, I want to be normal again. I may not be bumpy but I have the fangs constantly....can't even make them disappear. And....I'd like to walk in the sun again at some point in my life."
He nodded. "It's where you belong. Well, partially. Part of you is in the dark. I was right about that. But I was wrong when I thought all of you was." He reached out and stroked her hair. "You belong in the sun too. Seeing you as dark as myself.....made me realize that. You need to be in the light too." He smiled and added: "And literally as well. I wish I could see the sunlight bounce off your hair."
She smiled and, to his surprise laid back down and cuddled up to him. "Well you did once, when you had that ring...."
"Ah, yeah.....the gem of Amara." He thought back and wondered how such a short time ago could feel like a lifetime already.
"Of course, you were too busy trying to kill me and screwing Harmony to notice how lovely my hair looked in the sun....."
"Yeah, new topic." He cleared his throat.
"What WAS that anyway? I mean, *her* of all people. Maybe I'm NOT so flattered you like me. I mean, if that puts me in her category...."
"Hey, she's nowhere near your league! I was just...."
"Dumped, angry and in need of a regular shag that would also improve your hurt male ego??"
"........that would cover it."
She giggled and it was so contagious he laughed too. They laid in silence for a while, apart from the sounds of annoying commercials on TV. Then she yawned and rolled off his chest and onto her back, although she stayed close to him. She rubbed her head as if she had a migraine and sighed a little.
Spike never took his eyes off the TV when he said, "You're hungry aren't you?"
She flustered a little. "Yeah."
"Feeling a bit weak and all that?"
"I..."
"Thought so. You need more blood."
"NO! And how do you know! I mean what.....even if I do need it, I had plenty last night! Maybe I need real food."
He shook his head. "No, you're like a fledgling vamp. In the first 2 days or so, we have a hunger that's nearly insatiable. Like a newborn needing to be fed every couple of hours. And you have to, because you have to be all strong and healthy. Who knows what opposition we'll meet when we get the stone."
She sighed. "So I have to....."
"Yes, and you know part of you still wants it too."
"Which is the point of not doing it. You want me all nutso again?"
He sat up straight and looked at her. "Look pet, remember that little speech you just gave me about facing your darker side? Well this would be a good way to do that. You need to feed. You want to feed. It's not your fault you both need and want. So do it."
She sighed. "I don't want to want to. I'm tired of feeling like a monster."
"Yeah, so you keep saying. Well you have a cigarette now when the urge hits, so see this like that. And you're not hurting anyone. Unless you feel for plastic bags getting all torn."
"No, I......"
"God woman, you eat cows! And pigs! And chickens! If chickens had Slayers it would be killing humans to protect her 'people'! Everyone eats something that lives! Even veggies! Maybe there should be a Slayer-Plant for them eh?"
She frowned. "Slayer-Plant?"
"Never mind that! The point is you always eat the flesh of something that once lived in your normal life and you think it's just peachy! There's blood in gravy! Which is just groovy! Right? Well now you can and need to drink blood. And you like it just as much if not more. So do it."
She looked at the bags. She slowly got up and picked one up. She shot him a glance: "Giles would so say you're a bad influence."
"No, after all this, watcher boy would try to kill me. And if he saw you needed to empty a blood bag to survive, he'd force feed it to you."
She thought for a moment and tore the bag. Then she put her mouth on the tear and squeezed the bag, squirting the contents in her mouth. She drank but he instantly saw her face change. She tried to swallow again but her face turned into a scowl.
"It....won't...I can't. What's wrong? It tastes...I don't know, not really different....it's blah! Why is it blah!? Don't tell me I need it but my taste for it is going?! Why can't it ALL be gone then?"
Spike sighed. "Yeah...also like a fledgling. Must drink it from a body."
"What? I tasted it from a bag before. On the porch." She stared down. "And it was.....fine."
"Yeah, maybe that was fresher. But more likely you'd only gotten the bare basics of bloodlust. Now you're really like a newborn vamp. And baby doesn't want the bottle. Alright, looks like you're gonna have another taste of my deliciousness then."
She stared at his chest. "What, now it's breast feeding??"
Spike stiffened and cleared his throat. "Alright, forget that metaphor. Just come here and feed."
"NO! I almost killed you last time! I'm not......And you need to be strong too! You're the wisher, with the wish in his heart and all that!"
He walked up to her and held her by the shoulders. "Yeah, and that's why you're now gonna put your money where your mouth is."
She looked uncertain. "Now, I put money on your neck?"
"NO! You're going to live up to your little speech. You bite me, feed off me. Some! And then you stop! You control it. And I feed off the bags. And after a little waiting, you feed off me again if you need it. And we do that until we both are as well fed as can be! And you do the sucking, and give in to it all. Enjoy the hell out of me. Don't worry about hurting me I'll enjoy it in my own way, believe me. And you control it! You stop when it's time. When you're cured you'll think it's all disgusting again, so don't worry about what you feel now."
She looked at him, with doubt in her eyes and slightly shaking her head 'no'.
"Face the dark side pet, give in to it, tame it, enjoy it, and then put it back in it's cage! 'Squeamish', 'weird' and 'wrong' are all on the bus to Albuquerque! Do what you gotta do!"
She swallowed, then nodded. Then frowned. "When did you get all...Mr. Firm- but-Right, anyway?"
"Probably when you turned into 'Spuffy'," he grinned. She opened her mouth in agitation but he interrupted her before she could begin. "Heard Willow mumble that one a couple of times. Vampire hearing, luv."
"Great."
"Now, get to it. Bar's open."
She nodded again. He sat down in the bed and tilted his head. She moved to sit down beside him....then changed her mind and sat on his lap. He looked at her, pleasantly surprised. "Yeah well," she muttered, "Don't let it go to your head."
He tilted his head again and he could tell she felt the desire come back. She put her one arm around his shoulder and her other hand on the back of his neck. She opened her mouth and he felt her breath and the tips of her fangs, ready to tear open the barely-healed wound again. At least this time he would be able to partially enjoy it....
Then before she bit, her head snapped back up. He looked at her and she was frowning. "Why are they on the bus to Albuquerque??" she asked.
"I don't bloody know!" he said, exasperated.
She smiled and gave a little shrug. Then she bent down again and gently but firmly bit deep, again finding the vein effortlessly. Spike shivered with the pain and the sensation.
As the sound of her swallowing reached his ears again, he put his arm around her. The pain dulled into the sweet intimate feeling of the feeding and he had to bite his tongue several times not to say it out loud:
"God, I love you...."
** **
TBC
