Mary-Sue Stories: What Really Happened
[I own my mutilated Mary-Sues. That is all. Tolkien can have his Lord of the Rings.]
Chapter Two
Alaraniethlanienthiealalaniethan the Pink was the greatest Istari to ever walk Middle-earth. She was the daughter of Gandalf the Grey and Ilililiananieth the Slightly Red But More Like A Purpleish Blue. Her nickname was Lanien, as no one could pronounce her full name.
Lanien was on a divine mission. The One Ring had been destroyed, but another greater threat had been discovered. The seven Elemental Crystals were missing from the land of Krystalmere, which was to the east of Middle-earth. Lanien was told to fetch Frodo, reform the Fellowship (ignoring the fact that Boromir was dead, and Aragorn was king), and take them to Krystalmere.
She ambled down the path through the Shire, humming to herself and plotting how to get Legolas in her clutches—er, to be her friend. Yeah, that's right.
Lanien the Pink was incredibly beautiful. She had dark brown hair, green-purple-blue-white-silver-gold-brown-cranberry eyes, and lightly tanned skin. Her robes were absolutely spotless, (and a nauseating neon pink) even though she had traveled hard for many months. She leaned on her baby pink staff, and gazed upon Bag End.
With a happy smile, she dashed up to the green front door, and knocked on it three times with her staff. Frodo answered the door.
"Can I help you?" he asked politely.
"I am here to take you on a quest, Frodo," Lanien the Pink said, with surprisingly decent grammar.
"I'm sorry, miss, but I believe you are mistaken," Frodo replied. "I have no intention of going on another quest." He said this with a tone that implied that he was not going to go with her, thank-you-very-much.
"I must be—mistaken, then," Lanien stammered, getting the hint. "I apologize."
"Do not worry over it, miss," Frodo answered. "Good day to you."
He shut the door.
Lanien muttered a few nonsense words, and she disappeared in a puff of pink smoke.
~~
When Lanien appeared, she was in Mirkwood. By her powers of Sue, she had commanded that a letter be sent to Legolas stating the importance of his cooperation. Unfortunately for her, the plot was severely screwed up, and the letter had disappeared.
Lanien waltzed right through Mirkwood, ignoring the fact that she should've been shot full of arrows by the elves. She managed to get right near the entrance to the home of Thranduil. Then, the plot shuddered. It began to collapse.
All of this was unnoticed by the Sue.
Out of the trees there came spiders. Dozens of spiders rushed from the depths of Mirkwood, spurred by some unknown, powerful spirit that was really ticked off at Lanien. They swarmed around the startled Istari, clacking their pincers threateningly.
"Fresh meat!" one clicked.
"Shall we 'ang it for a while?" another asked.
"Kill it now, kill it now!" a spider hissed.
The mass of spiders hissed in agreement. Lanien wielded her baby pink staff, and tried to fend them off.
"Ldifan-aflekuf, laefjoag leubaodhf dlfuaeg!" she cried. Lightning should have come down from the sky, striking the spiders.
Of course, this did not happen. She stood for a few moments with her staff held high, looking incredibly comical.
The spiders laughed and jeered at Lanien the Pink. They then swarmed over her, biting her. Poison rushed through her veins, and she passed out.
Needless to say, the spiders were rather satisfied with their dinner that night.
The End.
