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Ok. Does anyone have the ER soundtrack? I just got it and I was trying to work out where the last song, It came upon a midnight clear is from. If anyone knows, post it in a review, or email me. I'm not fussy, really.
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They walked together towards the doors of the recovery room.
"Listen, Abby. You should come and stay with me. You know, till Carter can come home with you."
Abby hadn't even considered what she was going to do next.
"I'll probably just grab a hotel room-"
"Nonsense. I have plenty of room, and I don't think you need to be alone right now."
Abby nodded. "Thanks."
They rounded the corner and found the double doors that led to the recovery room.
"Here we are. You ready?"
Abby shrugged. Susan opened the door, stepped through, and held it open for Abby.
Abby exhaled, and began to walk down the middle of the ward.
She looked to her left…
No, that's not him…
To her right…
No…
She reached the middle of the ward, and caught sight of Carter. He was lying, motionless, on the furthest bed, the pasty light of dawn shining on him through the window.
Her stomach churned.
There were tubes all over him, and he looked so pale.
Her hands began to shake, but she didn't notice them. The steady beeping of his heart monitor filled her head, and it was all that she could hear. Susan started to explain what Elizabeth had done in surgery, but Abby didn't notice.
She couldn't move any closer, but she couldn't pull away either. She was stuck.
Carter is lying there…she heard her conscience saying …And it's because of you…
…This is your fault…
Abby's eyes were fixed on the rise and fall of Carter's chest.
...he could be dead because of you…
The voice was screaming to be heard over the beeping monitor.
…This is your fault……You and your past… …This is your fault…
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She finally got control of her legs, and bolted. Susan shouted after her, but Abby was gone. Wracked with guilt, she ran for the only place she felt she could go.
Exhausted, she stumbled out onto the roof.
Instantly she vomited.
Straightening, she stared out over the waking city, realising now why she had run to the roof.
She slowly walked towards the low wall that stood between her and oblivion.
Something cold touched her nose, and she stopped, and looked up.
Snow.
More flakes were landing on her cheeks, and in her eyes. Perfect little flakes. She held out her unsteady palm, and caught a few. They disappeared as she watched, something wonderful turning to nothing.
She leaned on the wall and looked over, down onto the street below. People were milling about, minding their own business, unaware of her eyes.
She sighed.
"Abby?"
Abby turned around and saw Susan was standing at the top of the stairs.
"Abby?" She said again, unsure of the situation. "What are you doing up here?"
Abby said nothing, just turned back to looking down over the edge.
"… Carter is gonna be ok." Susan took a few steps towards Abby, but didn't crowd her.
Abby whipped around and stared at Susan, with a glare that both frightened and
un-nerved her.
"He could have died, Susan! He could be lying in the morgue right now!" Abby shouted.
Susan took another step towards Abby. "But he isn't…"
Abby backed up. "And it would be my fault. Don't you see? It's my fault he's laying down there, full of bullet holes, and it would be my fault if he was dead." She screamed these last few words at Susan, clouds of warm misty air billowing from her lips.
"Abby, it's not your fault… The only one to blame is the guy that pointed the gun. No-one else."
"I can't live with this. I can't." Abby's back was pressed against the low wall, torn between facing Carter and facing the pavement.
"Is that why you came up here?" Realisation flickered in Susan's eyes. "You were going to…"
"The man I love almost died because of me. It would be better for everyone if I just…" She turned and looked over her shoulder, down onto the street.
"Don't talk like that, Abby. It would be better for Carter if you went back downstairs. He needs you now, more than ever." Susan was edging gradually closer to Abby, to pull her from the roof, if necessary. Abby, being petite, would be no match for Susan's strength.
"He needs to be able to live his life without having to watch over his shoulder let alone having to watch over me."
Susan couldn't understand why Abby couldn't see what she could see.
"When he's with you, he's the happiest I've ever seen him. There's a spark in you too, I've noticed." She'd also noticed that it had gone out, these past few hours. "You need to show Richard that you're strong, both of you, together. You can get through this if you let yourself try." There was no response. "Abby…?"
"I can't… I just-"
"You can, Abby. You can go back down there and you can sit with the man you love and no Son-of-a-bitch is going to stop you." Susan was shouting at her, hoping she could break through the self-pity Abby had built up.
Abby nodded, beginning to come to her senses. Would she really have thrown herself off if Susan hadn't found her? ... The answer chilled her. Probably.
She was still numb, from shock, and fear, and she barely felt Susan's hand on her arm. She allowed herself to be guided away from the edge, and Susan to slide a reassuring arm around her waist.
"Abby?" Susan noticed the distance in her eyes. "You ready to go back downstairs now?"
She shook her head, with the same glazed expression. "Not yet… Please…"
"There's a bench over there. Let's go sit down for a bit." Susan led her over, talking softly, and sat down next to her.
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Kerry pulled up a chair next to Carter's bed.
"Hey, Carter." She mumbled awkwardly. "You looked a little lonely here, so I thought I'd… Abby should be back soon. I can't seem to find your parents, though. I will keep trying…"
Cautiously she placed her hand over his, and squeezed it, just to let him know she was there.
She lent back in the chair, and folded her arms across her chest. For a moment she watched the little peaks and troughs on the monitor, finding their regular beep reassuring, almost therapeutic.
In her head she counted the hours since she had last slept. Somewhere around twenty-eight, her eyes fluttered closed, and she curled over, dozing off.
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After a long pause, Abby spoke. "I was really going to do it."
Susan put her arm around Abby's shoulders.
"It's Ok."
Abby just seemed to be realising the seriousness of her actions.
"I almost… I…"
Susan wasn't sure how to handle this. "Abby… It's all Ok now." The snow was heavier now, and the coldness in the air sent a shiver down Susan's spine. "It's snowing. We should go inside."
Abby barely reacted; she was still coming to terms with the fact that she was that close to jumping. Susan stood and ushered the stunned Abby off the roof and down the stairs.
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A light sleeper, Kerry jumped up when she heard the doors swing.
"Susan?" Kerry poked her head around the drawn curtain, and saw Susan and Abby ambling up the centre of the ward.
Suddenly Abby froze. "I can't."
"Yes, you can." Susan gently pushed her forwards, and she moved with her, till they were standing at the foot of Carter's bed.
Abby was staring straight ahead, out of the window, not daring to even glance at Carter. Tears were making riverbeds of her cheeks, and she wanted Carter to wipe them dry.
But he couldn't
"Where was she?" Kerry whispered to Susan, watching Abby's movements intently.
Susan didn't answer. She too was watching Abby with hawk eyes, waiting for her to make a break for the door.
Abby half folded her arms across her front, allowing her hands to grip her elbows, apparently trying to give herself a little reassurance.
She knew that if she turned to look at him now, she could never let him go, and her selfishness could kill them both. So she stood, fixated on some little thing outside.
As she stood, hopelessly trying to stop the tears, Susan's words began playing in her head. The man you love.
And she did. She loved him with all her heart, and that was something that she could never forget.
And as if someone had reconnected the switchboard in her mind, Abby's love for Carter overcame her fear and her guilt, and slowly but surely she turned to face him.
A small breath escaped her, and she spoke quietly. "It looks like he's sleeping…"
Kerry nodded. "He is."
"No, he's not. He's unconscious." Abby wasn't arguing, her tone was cold.
"It's best if he's kept sedated, for now at least."
Abby slowly moved around to the chair that Kerry had vacated, and to Susan's relief, she sat down, and took Carter's hand.
Susan visibly relaxed, but Kerry still didn't understand.
"We'll give you two some space." Susan gave Kerry a look that said 'I'll explain' and started to walk out. Kerry followed, leaving Abby to watch Carter sleep, alone.
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"So, where was she? What happened? You came into the waiting room in such a state that I-"
Susan cut her off. "She was on the roof." she toyed with the idea of lying to her, but felt that Kerry should know, so that there were two pairs of eyes watching over her, at least till Carter was well again.
"On the roof?" Kerry paused, reading Susan's face like a newspaper. "What happened up there?"
"She went up there to… When I got there she was leaning over the edge. She was going to throw herself over."
Kerry put a hand to her mouth. "Oh, god…"
"She seems ok now, but I'm not sure how long it will last. We have to keep an eye on her, at least till Carter recovers."
Kerry nodded. "What about tonight? Visiting hours finish at six and only family can stay…"
"She's going to stay with me, at least till Carter comes home."
"Good. I think that's for the best. You think she'll be ok?" Kerry looked over Susan's shoulder through the glass into the ward. The curtain was still drawn around Carter's bed, though, so she couldn't see anything of him, or Abby.
"We'll just have to wait it out. And be there for her. I don't know what else we can do."
Kerry sighed. "Ok."
Suddenly remembering, she flicked her wrist so she could read her watch.
"I should get downstairs."
"You're working today?" Susan looked shocked.
"Yeah. I'm on in 15 minutes"
"God, Kerry! Can't you get someone who actually made it home last night to cover for you? Luka, maybe, or-"
"It's ok, Susan. I'm fine."
"Really? 'Cause you look exhausted…" Susan twitched a smile.
Kerry made out that she had ignored her, but it was nice to have someone care.
"Will you be ok up here? I can come back after my shift, if you like…"
"We'll be ok. Thanks for everything, Kerry."
"No problem. See you later." She turned to go, and then turned back.
"If you need anything – anything at all- I'm on the other end of the phone. Anytime, I'm never very far."
"Thanks, Kerry." Susan was sincere. They owed a lot to her, not least Carter's life.
Kerry dismissed her with her hands. "Don't-"
"No, really. Thank you."
Kerry nodded. "I should… Um… Go to work now." And with that she disappeared into the elevator.
Susan turned to look through the window herself, and saw just what Kerry had seen. Nothing but shadows on a curtain.
She rubbed her tired eyes, and yawned sleepily.
