Joey broke the lingering kiss first and Chandler waited for the verdict. "Ok…" Joey mumbled. "You ARE better than Ross at kissing."
Chandler stood up and danced around, "Who's da man? Chandler's da man!"
"Ok dude, enough. I want you to be Clarissa in this next scene. It's the really stupid long one and I gotta practise it until I know it all. You just stand over there and look absorbed by my speech." Chandler nodded and leant on the counter and listened intently to the monologue. On another train of thought, he swore he could hear Monica banging as many doors in her apartment as she could find, which she only did if she was really pissed off. He wondered what could've upset her enough to make her do that, but he suddenly noticed Joey frowning at him. "Did you hear any of it?"
"Sorry… I wasn't really paying attention Joe," he confessed. They both heard a loud slam from the opposite apartment. "Is that Monica? She's really pissed off about something, huh?" Joey pressed his ear against their door. "Should we go over there?" Chandler asked, hoping Joey would say yes. If he could comfort her now, then maybe… he felt rather foolish for thinking that. I broke up with her, he reminded himself. You moved out. It was your choice.
Monica's temper subsided for a moment, enough time for her to break down into fits of sobbing. She tried to watch Daniel through the tears but as they fell faster all she saw was a red and white blur. He was wearing his favourite t-shirt. His daddy bought it whilst out looking for a job. One of the things they'd fought about. He kept buying things he couldn't afford. "I bought it too big, so he'll grow into it! It'll last another year, Mon," he had used as an excuse. But the crimson material was already feeling tight around the head when she forced it on. But it was one of the few things that made Daniel happy nowadays. She picked him up and cried even more at the tenderness of his fingers grasping hers. How could she, even for a moment, regret this? Then she remembered why she had been crying in the first place. Monica bit her lip and jumped when she heard a gentle knocking at her door. "Mon?"
"Joey?" She edged towards the door. "Why are you… what the HELL do you want?"
Joey was rather taken aback by this outburst and whispered through the keyhole, "Well I was practising some lines with Chandler and we heard you and were worried. Can I come in?" Monica flung the door open. "Lines?"
"Yeah I wasn't going to tell anyone else yet but I'm going back into acting. This is my first play. I'm Julius Ferelli – a gay alcoholic who murders his boyfriend's cousin."
"Gay… oh." She placed a hand to her head and laughed madly. "I am such a freak! I mean, I totally believed that you…" She decided not to finish the sentence. "I'm fine. I'm so… fine. Honestly."
"Ok," he said and hugged her tightly, trying not to squash Daniel. "Hey, Chandler's found a job at his old place. He's not as high up as before but it means we have an office party to go to at Christmas."
She smiled in a thoughtful fashion and said, "Tell him I'm happy for him. Really." Daniel coughed up a little milky vomit onto her shoulder. "Aw, Danny!" she whined and ran to the sink. Joey took Daniel from her and offered to watch him for a few hours with Chandler so she could tidy up. She nodded gratefully and watched her baby go with the slight rise of panic and relief that all new mothers feel when their babies are taken away.
Christmas came faster than anyone expected and Chandler soon found himself, very drunk, at the office Christmas party and he was coming on to anything with a pulse. Joey was drinking very little that night, because he didn't want to miss his first performance of 'The Evil of Drink' the next day, and knowing how utterly ironic it would be if he turned up with a hangover. But the others were almost as merry as Chandler and Monica didn't mind seeing her ex-husband draped all over Gil from Supplies. She already had her eye on a tall handsome man at the bar. "Do you think I have a chance with him?" she yelled over the loud music to Phoebe, who was dancing wildly with Joey. "I dunno, he's setting off my gaydar," she yelled back.
"I think that's Brian!" yelled Joey.
"It is Brian. I SO could get a Brian!" Chandler bellowed as he staggered over to join them. "I mean, he's not that hot is he?"
"Er, yah he is!" Monica drooled at the sight of him. Even Phoebe's eyes were undressing him. Chandler staggered back over to the bar. "I think I'd better keep an eye on him. In case he really DOES get Brian," Joey said into Phoebe's ear and she simply nodded and continued to bump and grind with Monica. Joey would've loved to have stayed and watched such an erotic scene, but he could see Chandler chatting to Brian and looking very doped up.
Their chat started when Brian had sat next to Chandler at the bar and indicated the sprig of mistletoe on his belt. "How about it?" he murmured. Chandler didn't hear him because of the loud music, but guessed what he had suggested and shook his head. "Wait," Brian gasped. "Bing? I thought you left, buddy!"
"I came crawling back. Three months ago."
"Sorry," he smirked, "I should pay more attention to office memo's." He noticed Chandler's left hand was bare. "Isn't that your wife over there?" Chandler nodded, then shook his head and took a long swig of beer. "Ex. But we're friends."
"Oh so you came out before you hurt her anymore?"
"I keep telling you I'm not gay, Brian…" His eyes glazed over and his head dropped onto the bar whacking his chin. The alcohol had dulled his senses so he didn't feel his teeth clash together until a few seconds later. "Fuck…"
"But you set off my gaydar, Bing. And it's very accurate."
"Don't you have a boyfriend?"
"We broke up. I did go out with Gil for a while, but he has a bad crush on you still."
"Gil from Supplies?" Chandler's neck grew hot with guilt remembering how he had flirted with him earlier.
Brian leaned closer, "Everyone says you can't get a Brian. But I bet I can get a Chandler…"
"HEY!!!" Joey leapt across the room. "Dude, he's totally out of it. How can you take advantage of him like that?" Brian got up slowly waving his hands in defeat. "Look I'm sorry. I didn't know he was taken."
"Taken?" Before Joey could correct him Chandler tugged at his arm. His face was very pale and he clutched at his stomach and mouth. "I think I'm… going to…" Joey led him out of the room, glaring at Brian as he went.
"Dude?" Joey called through the stall. "You done yet?" Chandler gurgled in response and Joey took it as a no. He had no idea how long he'd been in there and he was getting fed up of guys wandering in and whispering, "That's Bing's guy," or, " That's so sweet of him to stay with his boyfriend," from the gay ones. Joey began to wonder if there wasn't some huge ratio of gay men in the building. Not that he minded; he had plenty of gay actor friends. But only a few of them had suggested that there was anything between him and Chandler. Here it seemed to be some kind of conspiracy. Chandler grabbed Joey's ankle and moaned, "Paper." Joey was initially shocked by the unexpected grab but recovered and hunted around for some toilet paper. He could only find paper towels and passed them under. "Are these ok?"
"Sure, it's just to wipe my mouth." He burst out of the stall leaving behind an eagerly flushing toilet and he splashed some water onto his face. "Gum?" Joey offered. "It's sugar-free." Chandler smiled up at him and took the gum. "I'm sorry Joe, you didn't have to stay," he said as they walked out and sat down in the hallway. "Yeah, but I wanted to. You always look after me," beamed Joey as he drummed his fingers on the floor to the rhythm of the music still beating at full flow through the wall. They only heard fractions of it when the door opened to let in giggling parties of women and to let out other Chandlers who'd had way too much to drink. Chandler leant on Joey's right shoulder and almost dozed off. "Aren't you two cute? I'm sorry I almost broke you up." They looked up wearily to see a sheepish Brian, twiddling his thumbs and looking very sorry. "We're not…" Joey began, but then realised there was no point in it. "We're not angry with you." Brian seemed satisfied by this and went to walk back to the party. But as he turned, he looked back and added, "No wonder you didn't want a Brian. Not when you've got a Joey!" He pushed his way back amongst the hubbub and left Joey, pleased at being considered hotter than Brian, and Chandler asleep and dribbling on Joey's shoulder.
Monica eased herself into the taxicab first, followed by Chandler, then Joey. Phoebe, Ross and Rachel had squeezed into the one in front, which had already sped off into the night. Joey told the driver where they wanted to go and sat back. Chandler lay with his feet on Joey's lap and his head nestled against Monica's, with the rest of his body contorted into the only shape possible for his strange sleeping preference. Monica hardly noticed him. "Who's babysitting the kids?" Joey asked trying desperately to fill the silence.
"Carol and Susan."
"Ah. Both of the kids?"
"Yep."
"Cool." Joey ran out of things to say. Chandler muttered something about wanting a pizza but Joey firmly told him that he wasn't paying for good food if he was just going to puke it back up. Chandler didn't answer as he snuggled against Monica. "Does he miss me? Us?" Monica asked out of the blue.
"Of course, Mon."
"But… he'd rather be with you. Be a guy. Have fun."
"He said that?"
"He doesn't have to, " sighed Monica. "How can we compete with foosball and Baywatch?"
"No you just…"
"Aren't lobsters. Or mermaids or whatever." She stroked Chandler's short hair and he moved at the touch. Joey felt so caught in the middle again. "Look don't…" she started to say and trailed off.
"What?" Joey swallowed at a dry lump that had formed in his throat. She tossed him a piece of paper. "I got a guy's number. And I think I might ring it. But if he'll react badly I don't… I mean I won't ring if…"
Joey tossed the number back to her and said softly, "It's your life now. And I'll help him through anything that he needs help with. I don't want to stop you. You're both my friends, even if I'm more loyal to him. Its just how we are, y'know?"
"I know. And thanks Joey."
