Chapter Ten
And sees within my eyes the tears of two.
Hermione of course had a whole host of questions to ask Harry just as soon as they were a decent distance from the hospital wing. He avoided answering them as best he could, offering her a variety of completely credible excuses in lieu of any real answers. It was clear to him that she believed none of them, but she had no choice but to accept them. Faced with his continued evasion, she eventually gave up, understanding that he was going to tell her nothing more. Harry was relieved, but could see that she realised that if she wanted to know more, the only real way was to figure it out for herself.
Knowing her, he rather thought that she had merely decided to take this as a challenge, and it worried him a little. He knew what Hermione could be like when she had a new problem to solve – downright dangerous, was what. He'd have to remember to be especially careful around her, because there were a great many things he didn't want to have to explain to her. But then, he'd had to watch what he said and did around his friends in general, and Hermione in particular, for almost a year now. It should really have been almost second nature to him by now.
He sighed, realising that telling them what he had would only make them curious. At the same time, it would make it harder for him to avoid answering their questions. It seemed that if you revealed one secret, you discovered you had a dozen more to keep in its place.
He thought about Severus' request for a while. Actually, it didn't need much thinking about – Harry knew he would talk to him – but it made him feel better to pretend that it needed thought. Then he had to try to get away from Ron and Hermione so he could make his visit.
Harry finally managed to evade their company halfway through the afternoon, and hurried to the infirmary. One or both of them had been sticking almost worryingly close to him all day, perhaps out of sheer perversity. Or maybe they had expected that he'd need to make this visit at some point and wished to accompany him - or ward him off. Neither of them, he thought, could really be as accepting as they were seeming to be.
At any rate, it was definitely about time he and Severus had a talk, now that they both seemed to be ready at last to face the hundred or more things that still floated unresolved between them. Madam Pomfrey let him in with barely more than a curious glance. Probably the Headmaster had had a word with her, or perhaps she felt that Harry had a right to visit after spending the night holding Severus' hand.
Severus was half-sitting up in the bed reading a book titled in a language Harry didn't recognise. A pile of pillows was propped behind him to support his back and the covers were down around his waist, revealing that he was wearing a nightshirt. It looked very similar to the one Harry had seen him wearing the night Harry had been caught in the steps in his fourth year.
Harry sat himself down in the chair next to the bed, and politely inquired if Severus was feeling any better now.
"Much," the man replied neutrally, marking his place and putting the book aside. Then they looked at each other in silence and more than a hint of unease for a while. Harry tried to look Severus in the eye, but all he seemed able to manage was to stare at his chin, and hope it didn't look as if he was trying to avoid his gaze. He could feel Severus' eyes on him, and it made him want to fidget almost desperately.
"So," they began at the same time, when neither of them could stand the quiet any longer. They both broke off, and Harry laughed nervously, wondering vaguely if it was possible to blame it on the bond. Severus' lips quirked slightly too, although Harry couldn't tell whether the action was due to amusement, apprehension or something else. After a moment, Severus gestured for him to say what was on his mind.
Harry started again, staring down at his hands as if they contained the deepest secrets of the universe, or as if they could save him from this conversation. Perhaps he wasn't as ready to face this as he'd thought.
"You know, I'm really confused," he said eventually. He'd been wanting to tell Severus – tell someone – this all day, but now he fought back an almost sickening sense of déjà vu when he realised the similarity this conversation bore to one he had 'seen' the other man have with his mother long ago, but continued regardless. It was far too late to pull back now, and not only from the discussion. He was in this too deep. He had been even before he was born, ever since his mother had cast that spell. He felt another wave of resentment, and let it wash over him, letting it give him the courage to keep speaking.
"You ignore me for months," he accused the man, trying his hardest not to whine, but suspecting that he wasn't having too much success. "You act as if I offered you the greatest insult possible, but all I did was help you. But in the conversations that no one can overhear, in those you act just as if… as if nothing happened, as if we're still friends. And then you suggest we need to talk as if we've been doing it every day, and it's nothing special." He sighed quietly. "I just… I don't understand at all."
He broke off before his speech turned into an apology for being too young or gullible to be allowed to know what on earth Severus thought he was doing. As for what had happened after… that… Well, there was no point even thinking about that now. No matter that the thoughts, and the memory, wouldn't leave him alone.
Severus sighed too. "Potter." He caught himself almost immediately, his brow creasing slightly. "No, I suppose you're Harry again." He paused once more, as if considering this, before he began to speak again.
"For your actions last night, I am as grateful as I am capable of being, considering the likely outcomes. I did ask for your help, and you gave it, for which I accept that I owe you a debt. As to your concerns: we will not discuss… what you said and did that day. At any time."
Harry supposed the half-thanks were an improvement over being insulted, but not really much of one at all. Well, it wasn't as if he'd expected a lot of gratitude from Severus, he reminded himself. Therefore, there was no point at all in feeling hurt. He didn't – exactly – want the man feeling he 'owed' him anything either, but there wasn't much he could do about that either. There wasn't much he could do about anything.
"As for ignoring you, I hasten to remind you that it was not one-sided at all and I suspect that is, or was, both of our faults to some extent. Perhaps we both made some wrong decisions." Wow. Severus' acceptance that he was to blame, at least partly, came close to shocking Harry. On the other hand, he was moving on from it quite quickly. That wasn't much of a surprise.
"Frankly, we do not have the time needed to hash all of that out right now. Not if we want to keep some secrets from Albus, at any rate. What is far more important now is that we decide what we are going to tell him. Do not doubt it, he will certainly have more questions for us." Severus paused, fumbling for the glass of water on the bedside table, just out of reach. Harry handed it to him without thinking, and the man nodded his thanks, sipping from it before he continued.
"For once, though I hate to say it, I am grateful that your friends were there this afternoon. It has at least given us some time to prepare a strategy to deal with him. I know that where his curiosity is piqued, he is physically incapable of taking no for an answer, and anything that he suspects might be of use against Voldemort will surely interest him. That we are the people involved will only make it a more appealing subject to him, as I'm sure you realise. I for one do not have the strength to resist his investigation at the moment, and certainly none to waste on less immediate concerns."
"Fine," Harry replied when the man finally stopped speaking. As Severus had said, the fewer things he had to deal with now, the better. "What are we going to tell him then?"
The man looked slightly taken aback by his quick assent, but evidently didn't intend to let it distract him from beginning to explain his plan. "Very well. You will let me do the talking. If he asks you a question, you will give an answer that fits with what I have said up to that point. I will give you further instructions if they are necessary."
"And you expect that to satisfy me?" Harry said, hoping that he'd made it very clear that it didn't even come close.
"Yes." Severus was being unusually dense. Or, more likely, he was hoping that if he sounded certain enough, Harry would be content with the lack of explanation. Not today.
"No," he replied firmly.
"No?" Severus raised his eyebrow at Harry, surprised.
"No. What part of that is difficult for you?" Harry snapped. This was his secret too and he deserved to be told what Severus had planned. He was sick of being treated like a child.
"I need to know what you're planning to say. If only so that I don't screw it up later on," he said bitterly, injecting as much sarcasm as he could into the last sentence.
The man sighed again. "Very well. We have no choice but to admit to… a mental connection, but we say that it is only of use at times of great stress. We tell him that last night, I was punished by… by Voldemort, for certain actions I… failed to take." Severus halted, seeming to search for his composure. Harry found himself sincerely wishing he needed to ask about the events, rather than having seen them in his dreams.
After a few seconds, Severus continued more fluently. "Because of the severity of the punishment, I unintentionally called for your help, and you answered instinctively. The bond would not let you do otherwise. He will most probably ask why we did not tell him of the bond at the time we discovered it. We will say that it was because of the fact that then it appeared to be more of an inconvenience than something of any practical use.
"We should also make it clear that we were able to deal with the bond quite quickly by ourselves after we realised its existence. We will also have to restate that it appears to have no real purpose except in times when one or the other of us is in danger. Otherwise, he'll probably want to dissect us in order to find out ways to turn it into an advantage." Apprehension laced his voice, surprising Harry. Severus seemed to have detected his surprise, because he explained his feelings.
"The Headmaster is without doubt one of the best men I know, but he will not allow thoughts of friendship - or even our safety - to stand in the way of his use of a new weapon against Voldemort. You of all people should know this by now." The man fixed Harry with a sharp look, and he found himself nodding without ever having exactly intended to.
"At any rate, this explanation is in places a… little free with the truth. Knowing your dislike of such things, I decided it would be best for me to tell Albus most of this."
"OK. I can go along with that." Harry had no problem with agreeing now that Severus had explained his reasoning. It was, though, useful to remind the man that he did have a mind of his own, and Severus couldn't just get used to ordering him around and expecting him to obey.
"Good," replied Severus. Surprisingly, there was nothing in his tone to indicate that he was disgruntled by having to explain himself.
"Oh… and I'm glad you're feeling better," Harry added slightly belatedly, both because it was the done thing to say and because it was the truth.
"As am I." There was a very long pause, but Harry got the distinct feeling that the man wasn't quite finished with him yet.
"And I suppose I ought to thank you properly for… for getting me out of there and bringing me here yesterday. And for staying with me and letting the bond help with the healing," Severus finally managed to articulate through gritted teeth. He looked rather as if it had caused him physical pain to say those few words, where a minute ago he had been making speeches.
It was almost, almost, funny. "You're welcome. I was happy to help." He allowed only the barest hint of a smile to show to prove that he meant it wholeheartedly. As annoying as the man was, it was much more pleasant to have him alive. He rather suspected he'd miss him even more otherwise, and it was still bizarre to think about missing Snape. Let alone other things that he wasn't going to think about now.
"Well, if that's everything, I should probably go," Harry continued. He hoped that he hadn't paused too long while he allowed his thoughts to wander. "Ron and Hermione will probably be looking for me. I practically had to recreate 'Escape from Alcatraz' to get away from them."
Severus raised an eyebrow at him. "Muggle movie," explained Harry. Seeing continued incomprehension on the man's face, he added a short, "Never mind." After all, it wasn't as if Severus, with his purely wizarding upbringing, would have any sort of idea what a movie even was. He didn't have the time to spend in explaining it, and then the particular reference.
"Right." The man shook his head, resigning himself to being bewildered by Harry's references to modern Muggle culture. Lily had told him about 'movies', but she'd never mentioned that particular one.
"See you after dinner, then." Harry got up, stretching slightly before making for the door.
"Yes," Severus replied, as neutrally as he could manage. He knew what he had to say next, and wasn't looking forward to it.
//And Harry?// he added after a few moments, when the boy was almost at the door.
//Yes?// Harry half-turned, facing the man in the bed again.
//I would… appreciate it if we could be… friends again.// Severus wasn't looking at him any more, but hope and nervousness came across plainly with the communication.
Harry could tell just how much that admission-cum-request had cost the man, not to mention the knowledge that Harry would feel the emotions that went with it. //Yes.// Harry allowed himself a smile as he opened the door and walked out into the corridor.
//Well?// The man sounded impatient now, and a little put out.
//That was my answer, Severus,// he said, with a mental smirk.
//Oh.// Harry closed the door and left him like that, as close to dumbstruck as he thought it was possible for the man ever to get.