Chapter Eleven
IX
Can it be right to give what I can give?
Severus couldn't help a slight smile as Harry's last comment reached him. More than anything they had actually said, it was the tone of the mental conversation they'd just had that really showed they could be friends again. It was faintly – perhaps more than that, if he was to be completely honest with himself - disturbing how much that thought pleased him. Then again, if he had learnt nothing else on his abortive holiday, he had realised that he… liked the boy, and that nothing either of them would do could change that. Considering the link between them, it should have been unsurprising, and not nearly so comforting, to realise that Harry probably felt much the same.
He shifted restively, trying to make a more comfortable space in the pillows supporting his tense shoulders. He reached over to the table for his book, opened it to the marked page, and attempted to read. He stared blankly at the printed words without registering their meaning, turning a page every now and then out of sheer habit.
There were other things he had to think about as well, although they too were related to the previous realisation. Things he needed to resolve in his own mind before either Albus, or worse, the boy, could ask him about them. Things like exactly what he did feel for Harry. 'Liking', although all he'd admitted, wasn't quite the right word, he knew deep down.
I think I could love you.
It had been months ago. It was most strange, then, the way he could remember everything about the way that it had been said. The tone of Harry's voice as he spoke the first few words, and the mental overtones that had accompanied the confession, rang as clear in his mind as they had that day. Just as clear as the sincerity that had been in Harry's eyes, if he dared to let himself remember it, believe it.
That the boy now had apparently forgiven him for his actions – he did not know if he deserved to be forgiven at all - seemed to say that although Harry had agreed – suspiciously easily, in Severus' opinion - not to speak about it, he had not completely abandoned those feelings. Severus wasn't sure if he was more exasperated or relieved by that thought.
It was most likely a little of both. No one would ever dare to claim that their… relationship, if that was the correct word… was an easy one.
The real question that needed to be answered now, however, was what Severus thought about all of it. That was something not nearly so easily answered as asked. Lying and thinking, his hands absently turning pages, Severus lost track of the time.
He looked up some time later to note in considerable surprise that it was almost time for dinner. Soon, doubtless, Albus would be summoning him to his office for the dreaded conversation. He almost, almost wished that something, anything, no matter how terrible, would happen so that he could avoid that necessity. His experience of just how terrible things could get, however, prevented him from truly desiring that.
What had he to show for that time spent in meandering thought? He had at long last forced himself to admit that, yes, he did love Harry in some way. He couldn't yet tell of what type that nebulous 'love' was, though. Perhaps he had somehow fallen in love with him – his student, Lily's son, a child, a male - as instinctively as he initially had flinched from the thought.
Perhaps he merely cared about Harry, loved him as a friend, or even a son or brother. That was easier to contemplate.
Well, maybe there was no 'merely' when considering this question, but it certainly could have been something else than… than what Harry had meant when he claimed to love him. He couldn't tell either whether the feeling was the effect of the bond, because the boy was Lily's son, because he reminded him so much of Lily. It could have been for one or a combination of those reasons or a thousand other possibilities.
Then there was the question of whether he was attracted to Harry. Harry, who he still could not help but refer to as 'the boy' in his thoughts – another concern he would have to face at some point. His response to their one and only kiss would seem to have answered that, but it could also have been due to any of those thousand things already mentioned.
He had certainly never been seriously attracted to any male before, had been truly attracted to very few women since her in reality. He couldn't help but make denigrating comparisons, and while he hadn't been quite celibate, he had been close to it. In fact, from what he'd gathered during their conversations, he had the rather disconcerting suspicion that Harry might well have more experience than him, or at least more knowledge, about the processes of intimacy between men.
There were countless other issues, of course, both between them and those which had little to do with Harry. However, the knowledge of which ones he would have to deal with soonest hung on the answers to those two questions. He could not even begin trying to consider them without first solving those insoluble problems. He sighed, a sardonic smile twisting his lips without the slightest hint of humour behind it.
It was almost time to meet Albus, and not incidentally, see Harry again, and he'd gotten almost nowhere. Everything in the last several months had been conspiring, it seemed, to ensure that he had no peace of mind or clarity of thought.
He really looked at the book in his hands for the first time since he'd picked it up and blinked at finding himself about thirty pages ahead of the one he last remembered reading. He turned back with a sigh, hoping to calm himself with a little reading before he had to face the lions.
***
Harry arrived at the Headmaster's study immediately after dinner and tapped gently on the closed door. When Dumbledore opened the door for him, he saw a faintly scowling Severus already seated in front of the old wizard's desk, sipping from a teacup. This time, rather than ignoring Harry's entrance or snapping something irascible, he offered a nod and an almost-smile of greeting. Harry smiled back as he entered the room, relieved that Severus hadn't suddenly changed his mind about their status. He'd come up with that possibility in the intervening hours, and worried about it a little.
"Do come in and have a seat, Harry. Would you like some tea?" said Dumbledore cheerily. However, not all the twinkling and affable hospitality in the world could disguise his keen eyes observing and analysing the interplay between his two 'guests'. He noticed that it was unusually pleasant, particularly notable since they were not alone. Even last term, when he knew they had been friends, they had taken care to keep up the appearance of continued hostility. It was telling, then, that they seemed to have laid it aside now.
"Thank you, sir. Yes, please," Harry replied gratefully. Between the Headmaster and Severus, he'd learned to appreciate the myriad uses of a cup of tea. They didn't all have to do with drinking from it.
Harry accepted the cup that the Headmaster handed to him. It was steaming slightly, and smelled wonderful despite his full stomach. Juggling it carefully, Harry took the chair beside Severus. If he had dared, he could have reached out with his free hand and brushed the man's arm.
He wasn't supposed to be thinking things like that, he reminded himself sternly. They had just barely friends become again. He had… many things he needed to think about, to deal with, after what he'd seen in his dream last night. He had to do that before he could decide how he really felt about Severus. He shouldn't try to get himself into something he'd surely regret later, even if the man allowed it, which he almost certainly wouldn't. He surely shouldn't do it, probably shouldn't even think it, in front of Dumbledore!
He decided that he should definitely avoid anything involving debating in future, since not even he found himself terribly persuasive.
Harry and Severus looked at the Headmaster silently, with almost identically questioning expressions open on their faces. Severus was waiting to see what the old man would say, and Harry was for now sticking by his agreement to wait for Severus' cue before saying anything.
Finally Dumbledore tired of watching them from behind his teacup, or perhaps he felt that there was no more information to be gathered from their silence. He played his opening gambit. "Lemon drop?" he asked, offering round the dish.
"No?" he said with some surprise, as they both shook their heads. "Well, perhaps we should get to the purpose of this little meeting then." He smiled at them yet again.
"I am extremely glad to see that both of you seem to have decided to be polite to each other once more," he commented as if offhandedly. The cheerful tone he used made it appear half-joking, but there was a definite seriousness in his expression.
Harry flushed faintly, half-opening his mouth to say something. He managed to remain silent with an effort, as Severus replied instead. "You did emphasise the importance of gratitude to me, after all, and that I owed some to Po… to Harry, after his efforts to help me."
"Then it also makes me very happy to see you paying such close heed to my advice, my boy." The knowing twinkle in the Headmaster's eyes showed that he knew very well that Severus' apparent deference to his wishes had precisely nothing to do with their reformed friendship.
After its tentative beginning, Harry watched while the conversation played out much as Severus had anticipated. He answered the few questions directed specifically at him as best he could, and for the rest of the time took the opportunity to observe a rare clash of wills.
The Headmaster obviously got the better of it. He pulled information out of his younger opponent with a breathtaking combination of probity, kindness and sheer blunt persistence, not to mention the strategic offering of refreshments; yet the professor managed to give away very little more than he had told Harry he intended to. It was very odd to be thinking of Severus as young, Harry thought vaguely.
Nevertheless, Harry somehow had the feeling that even Severus' small victories were not due to the plan he had made. He rather thought the professor was only able to keep some of his secrets because Dumbledore was, for some reason of his own, letting him get away with not being completely open.
Before Harry realised it, a considerable amount of time managed to pass. Severus eventually reminded Dumbledore that he had to teach and Harry had lessons the next day, and they were excused. But not before the Headmaster got in one last bit of advice.
"Harry, Severus, please listen to this carefully," he said, leaning forward on his desk, fixing each of them with a grave look.
"I am willing to let whatever is between you take its course. I can naturally appreciate – and give some allowance for - just how stressful the discovery and management of this bond must have been for you. However, whatever happened between you at the end of last term could have had serious consequences for more people than just yourselves. I know that you have not told me about everything. I am also willing to understand this – I do not expect you to gladly reveal all of your secrets to me, especially not ones as complicated as this." He paused, looking them in the eyes in turn so intensely that Harry could almost feel him rifling through his thoughts.
"Nonetheless, I will insist that you sort out whatever is causing the new friction between the two of you. I'm sure you understand that I have to keep everyone's interests at heart." The old wizard leaned back in his chair, his affable mask falling neatly back into place so that Harry could barely believe it had ever been removed. When Severus asked if he could finally leave, Dumbledore nodded tiredly.
Severus swept out as soon as he was given permission, without even the exchange of pleasantries before he left. Harry remained to thank the Headmaster for the tea and to bid him goodnight, fielding another question or two while he was alone. When he made it down to the bottom of the stairs and the gargoyle had closed behind him, Severus appeared again out of one of the shadows. Harry jumped at his bond-mate's sudden materialisation, startled out of his contemplation of Dumbledore's last words.
"Don't do that," he muttered irritably. "I think you just scared me out of a year of my life!"
Severus crossed his arms over his chest, and looked down at him with a disdainful expression. "I would have thought that someone being hunted by Voldemort would be more aware of his surroundings."
"I'm in Hogwarts, Severus. The safest place in the world, probably," Harry grumped, glaring right back.
"Not completely safe. If I'm not proof of that, you should at least consider Barty Crouch, for example."
Harry let both parts of that go, not wanting to get into an argument in the middle of the corridor, right in front of Dumbledore's office. Even if Severus did seem to be spoiling for one. "What did you want, anyway? I assume you did have a reason for lurking in ambush for me?"
"You heard what the Headmaster said, Harry. I cannot exactly deny that we have… some issues that need to deal with. I suspect that by now they are visible even to the blindest of people," Severus said wryly. Harry could see him relax slightly, as if he was relieved that Harry wasn't going to comment on his previous statement.
"I suggest we resume the extra tutoring sessions. They should be useful to you, and will give us some time to… discuss things. Before you arrived, Albus was suggesting something along those lines to me, and I am inclined to agree with him. Not to mention that they will be something to tell Albus when he asks about progress, as he surely will."
"Okay." Harry wasn't about to refuse a chance to see Severus, now that they had an understanding again, especially if it would give them a chance to talk. "I'll see you tomorrow, then? Is after dinner okay?"
"Yes. We can talk about the practicalities then." The man offered him another one of those half-smiles and vanished as thoroughly as if he'd become one of the shadows he so closely resembled.
Harry had a great many things to think about as he walked slowly back to Gryffindor Tower. There he evaded his friends' questions as best he could before retiring to bed to brood once more.
