Chapter Twenty

… Out, alas!
I will not soil thy purple with my dust;

Harry found it more than a little hard to believe that he was packing to go back to Hogwarts for his last year of school. That in less than a year he would have finished his schooling, and most probably would have decided what to do with the rest of his life. In June he would be a full wizard, would leave Hogwarts for good. It scared him, a little. Maybe more than a little, if he was really being honest with himself. He brooded as he moved about the room, only using a corner of his mind to decide what to take and what to leave.

He kind of wished there was someone he could talk to about it. Sirius and Remus would probably be very sympathetic, but they wouldn't understand what on earth he was anxious about. After all, they had made it clear that they'd offer him a home as long as he wanted it. The problem was, he wanted to do something for himself, by his own choice, for once. He frowned slightly, moving over to the wardrobe to begin packing his clothes.

Hermione and Ron probably had enough problems of their own to deal with, and didn't need any of his worries about his future. They had their own decisions to make. He couldn't possibly bother the Headmaster with the problem. It wasn't nearly important enough for that, he thought as he folded up his last set of robes and pushed it into the trunk. He was starting to run out of space. It was a good thing there wasn't too much left to pack. Besides, he couldn't help thinking of what Severus had told him before they'd explained the bond to him. He didn't know that he wanted to put himself even further into Dumbledore's hands than he already was.

And Severus… well, there had been a time when Harry would have thought him the perfect person to talk to, but things changed so fast, and so constantly, between them. A few friendly conversations couldn't erase all of the uncertainty and worry of the last year, the things that they still had left to sort through, that they hadn't even begun to face yet.

Although the man's warning him before he'd gone off to that meeting two days ago was definitely a promising sign. Things were finally slowly going back to normal. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad an idea to speak to him, in a couple of months or so. He wasn't even surprised any more that he thought of their friendship as 'normal'.

As Harry laid the last shirt into his trunk and closed it, he scanned the room to ensure that he hadn't forgotten anything. Satisfied with his packing, he locked the trunk, and manoeuvred it downstairs with the aid of a spell. Then he went to find Sirius – messing about in the kitchen, predictably - and tell him that he was ready to leave for London in the morning.

Harry, Sirius and Remus Floo'd into Diagon Alley at eight the next morning. They had breakfast at the Leaky Cauldron, and made it to King's Cross just barely in time to catch the Hogwarts train. As Harry caught up with his friends in their usual carriage, he thought he glimpsed Draco peering in through the window in the carriage door. The other seventh-year disappeared from view as Harry looked up, however, leaving him with nothing more than a hint of blond hair and pale skin at the corner of his vision.

***

The train reached Hogwarts in the late evening, as usual. Harry gave Severus a quick smile as he walked into the Great Hall and saw the man sitting in his usual place at the Head Table. He wanted to visit him afterwards, but knew that there wasn't really any way to do it. How would he explain to Dean, Seamus and Neville that he was just nipping down to the dungeons to visit Professor Snape? Severus wouldn't approve of the other option – an after bedtime visit, with the help of the Invisibility Cloak.

The next day, however, he went down to the dungeon after dinner. He reached the now very familiar door, and paused in front of it. He felt like he was waiting for something, but he wasn't immediately sure just what it was.

After a moment or two, he spoke the word that found its way into his mind and tapped a particular spot on the guardian painting three times in quick succession while the resident portrait looked on with interest. Then Harry pushed the heavy door open and entered Severus' quarters. He found their occupant in his usual chair in the sitting room, looking blankly into the fire, with a mug of tea growing cold in his hands.

"Welcome back," Severus said without looking up, as Harry slid into his own seat. "How was your holiday?"

Harry was all too eager to elaborate, despite Severus' obvious distraction and the fact that the man already knew all of the essentials and many of the details. "It was great!" he concluded. Suddenly remembering his manners, he politely asked, "How about yours?"

"It remained unprofitable, although I must admit that the mere fact that there were no students made it slightly more pleasant than term-time." He still hadn't looked up from his contemplation of the flames, Harry noted, and the crabbiness in the reply sounded more like habit than anything else.

"Oh," Harry replied. There was a long, not entirely uncomfortable pause. Harry discovered all over again just how fascinating firelight could make Severus' face. He pulled his thoughts away from that topic, and decided that he might as well tell the man what he had realised that morning.

"It's been a year, you know." He tossed it out indifferently, as if it were a casual observation.

Now he was fixed by that familiar sharp glance, but all the man said, after a moment's scrutiny, was, "I know."

"An interesting year, I think," Harry said. He prodded gently at the bond in the hope that it would give him some indication of what Severus was thinking and feeling.

"Yes." Severus smiled slightly at him and returned his attention to the fireplace, lifting the mug to take a sip of its contents. He grimaced and lowered it again almost immediately. Definitely cold, then. Harry wondered how long Severus had been sitting there brooding before he'd arrived.

"Are you planning to talk to me at all tonight, or are you just trying to scare me off with your fearsome use of monosyllables?" he asked finally, tired of waiting for the man to make the first move.

Another smile, this one a touch more self-deprecating, as Severus put the mug down on the table beside his chair. "I'm sorry, I've just had a lot to think about in the past few days."

"Oh? Would this have anything to do with the meeting?" Harry asked without bothering to hide his interest. He realised he was fidgeting, and clasped his hands tightly in his lap. He wished that Severus had offered him a drink. At least it would have given him something to do with his hands.

"Yes." A pensive, almost haunted expression and matching thought flickered across Severus' face and the link they shared.

"Care to share?" Harry asked hopefully, trying not to expect too much.

"Not at the moment." //Maybe, once I've thought about it a bit.//

"Well, okay, I suppose." Harry gave in with as much grace as he could. Maybe was more than he'd really expected. "But do you mind if we talk about something else then?" he continued. "I mean, it seems a bit silly if I just sit here while you don't say anything. Or I could go…"

"No, that won't be necessary." Harry supposed that was all he would get in the way of an 'I like your company' for the moment at least. He could have wished for more, but it was better than nothing.

Harry couldn't quite put his finger on why, but he felt completely comfortable in Severus' rooms, with his company, once again. Finally. And, if what he was sensing was any indication, the other man felt the same way too. It seemed rather odd that it had happened over the holidays, when they had seen so little of each other, but there it was. Perhaps it had been the gift, or the occasional conversations they'd had afterwards.

Or perhaps, Harry thought, it was simply that Severus had informed him before he went off to the meeting. The action had carried a consideration for him and an implication of belief in his maturity that he had been waiting an awfully long time for from the man.

At any rate, despite the fact that there was still obviously something bothering Severus, at least Harry no longer felt constantly aware of having to watch what he said. He didn't feel as if their friendship teetered permanently on the edge of a cliff, and a wrong word from him, or even a wrong thought, would tip them abruptly over it.

As Severus at long last offered him a drink, and stood to fetch it, Harry leaned back into the embrace of his chair. He stroked the soft material of the armrest and allowed himself to come perilously close to luxuriating in the feeling of being comfortable and welcome here again.

***

Almost two weeks later, on a Friday evening, Harry found himself sitting in the same familiar chair, waiting for Severus to return to his rooms. He half-turned as he heard the door open, and noticed the lack of surprise on the man's face as he entered. He'd been expected. Harry wondered absently why the realisation of the bond's uses still surprised him.

"I let myself in, I hope you don't mind, but I didn't want to interrupt you in a lesson…" he began. He was about to explain some more, but he was smoothly interrupted.

"That's alright. I did give you the password, and I know your habit of making yourself at home when you have it, regardless of my feelings on the matter." The familiar teasing was still newly resumed enough to make Harry feel a surge of relief when he heard it. A surge of something else too, and for once, for the first time in a very long while, he let himself just feel it.

"So how was it? You don't look like it was that much of a disaster." Harry smiled slightly as Severus settled himself into his preferred seat as if it was a substitute for heaven itself.

"No-one was killed, that is about all I can say in today's favour," the professor said wearily, almost disappearing into the deep shadow of the chair's wings. "Would you mind summoning the house-elves for me? I feel the need for the comfort of caffeine."

Harry's smile became an all-out smirk. "I read your mind," he joked, producing his wand. "Accio tea tray."

The effect of Severus' lifted eyebrow was lost in the surprise that plastered itself across his face. Harry kept smirking as he caught the tray from the air, released the warming spell on it, and poured the tea for them both. The comforting smell filled the air, and Severus took a deep breath.

"Well," said Harry, handing the man his mug, "it has been more than a year, and if nothing else, I've learnt that you do have an extreme fondness for tea, especially after you've been teaching."

Severus accepted the cup. "I can see that," he replied, in a tone that Harry would have called weak from anyone else. Harry found it a surprisingly good feeling that something he had done had not been anticipated.

After Severus had taken a sip, and regained as much of his composure as he usually had around Harry when they were being friendly, he asked "So what does bring you down here?"

"Well, actually there's this problem that Professor Flitwick set us…"

That led to a rather intense discussion of Sealing Charms, and when it was appropriate to use them, and when not to use them at all costs. The discussion lasted at least an hour, and grew quite heated at times. That was another thing it was good to have back – the intense discussions that just barely skirted the edge of argument, but without the danger of disintegrating into one. It made learning so much more enjoyable.

"Does that help at all?" asked Severus finally, when it seemed as if all relevant arguments had been discussed.

"Actually, yes. Thanks."

"That's what I'm here for." The man half-closed his eyes and shuddered melodramatically, making Harry smile again. "How I have come down in the world," he lamented.

"Poor Severus, relegated to such a menial position," Harry teased back.

"So glad you understand." Severus gave him a positively evil smile as he stood. "And I have some other menial tasks to be doing."

"Oh?"

"Yes. I finally received the shipment of remba leaves that the supplier has been promising me for the last month. That means I can make the Anti-fever Solution that Poppy's been pestering me for. Imagine my joy."

"Oh." Harry opened his mouth, closed it, gave the man a speculative look, and opened it again. "Can I help?" His voice held an edge of hesitation.

Severus gave him a long, equally considering one. Finally, he replied, "I don't see why not. Come on then."

Harry just remembered to replace the warming spell on the tea tray before he followed him into the workroom.

***

This time, when they returned after completing the brewing, Severus poured the tea. Harry wondered if the action had been a conscious decision on the man's part. If the echo of events almost seven months ago, subtly changed, was an indication that just maybe they could at long last move on from there. If, perhaps, they could try again.

They sat for a little while, each absorbed in their own thoughts, and the silence was comfortable, and comforting. The feeling of the other's presence was nearly as warming to them both as the warmth of the fire, and the gently steaming mugs in their hands.

At length Harry shifted, put down his empty mug, and spoke, quietly, but without the slightest hint of uncertainty. "You know, I still do…" he broke off, now deliberately imitating the last time, as if he could erase its consequences with this new attempt.

//… love you.//

This time there was no almost desperate denial from Severus, no physical advance from Harry. This time, the man gave him another contemplative look, leaning forward slightly to examine Harry's face more closely, his own close to expressionless.

"Perhaps you do," he said finally, calmly.

"I just thought you should know," Harry replied, his voice just as matter of fact.

Severus nodded, and leaned back once more, giving him a faintly wistful half-smile. "You should probably go now. It's almost time for dinner, and if I remember rightly, you have a rather full day tomorrow."

"I do." Harry stood, and picking up his bag from beside his chair slung it over one shoulder. This time, as he left, he felt no need to ask when he would be welcome in Severus' rooms again.