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Wounded Souls

Chapter Nine-Confessions

By: crystal rose

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Serena was driving through the quiet neighbourhood on her way to Raye's house when she noticed a teenage couple about to cross the street. She came to a slow stop and allowed them to pass, holding hands all the way with not a care in the world. Serena eyed them enviously before easing her foot off the brake. 'I never had that when I was that girl's age. I don't think I've ever had a real date after James dumped me. Every guy I've ever been with was just interested in using my body, not taking me out on a date. Even Darien slept with me without going out with me first. I guess old habits die hard,' she thought bitterly as she made a right turn into Raye's street.

'I mean c'mon, the closest you ever had to a date with Darien was that lunch at the restaurant. Face it; Darien used you just like every man you've ever known with the exception of Daddy, Sammy and Justin. Men are only nice to you when they want something. In your case, it's always a quick fuck wherever and whenever it's convenient.' Tears suddenly clouded her vision, making everything in front of her swim. Serena pulled the car over to the side of the road abruptly and shut off the engine. She squeezed her eyes shut and gripped the steering wheel tightly with both hands. 'Don't cry, Serena. Don't ever let them see you cry. Crying is just another weakness that you can't afford to have. You have no right to cry about all the men that used you; you brought it on yourself. You _let_ them use you and throw you away like yesterday's trash so don't you _dare_ cry about it now,' she reprimanded herself furiously.

After a few more minutes scolding herself on the side of the road, Serena turned the ignition key and once again headed in the direction of Raye's house. 'Now remember, Raye is pretty nosy when it comes to the well-being of her friends so don't give her any information than you have to. She's definitely going to ask about Darien so just act like what happened is no big deal, and she'll move on. What am I saying, of course it wasn't a big deal, in Darien's perspective anyway,' she thought, frowning to herself as she pulled into Raye's driveway. Taking a deep breath, she smoothed out her hair and stepped out of the car gracefully. Serena walked up the steps and rang the doorbell.

"Coming!" Raye's voice called. Footsteps were heard racing towards the door before it was flung wide open. "Serena!" she cried in surprise and ushered her inside.

Serena smiled. "I'm sorry I didn't call first, but I just needed to get out of the house. It's too quiet there," she explained.

Raye smiled back sympathetically. "No need to explain, Serena. Why don't we sit down in the living room and have some tea? Justin brought home some green tea from his trip to Japan two weeks ago and now's just a good time as any to try it," Raye said as she led Serena to the living room. Serena sat down on the couch and watched Raye hustle around in the kitchen, making tea. "The instructions are in Japanese, for god's sake. How am I supposed to make this?" she muttered.

"Need help?" Serena called, unable to keep the smirk off her face.

"Nah, tea's tea. If I can make a cup of Earl Grey, I sure as hell can figure out how to make green tea," Raye bit out.

"So where's Kayla and Justin?" Serena asked, flipping through a magazine she found on the coffee table.

"Kayla's taking her nap and that husband of mine is at work for the moment. He should be home in around an hour and a half," Raye said from the kitchen. They waited in silence for the tea to come to a boil. Finally, Raye walked to the living room with a tray in her hands. "Here," she said, offering Serena a cup.

"Hey, this is actually pretty good," Serena commented after taking a small sip.

"Of course it's good, I made it," Raye replied in mock arrogance. She glanced at Serena thoughtfully and patted her hand gently. "I heard about your mom, Sere. How's she doing?" she asked softly.

Serena set her cup down on the table, making sure to place a coaster underneath it first. She knew how particular Raye was about water rings and heat marks on her wood furniture. "She's holding up pretty well. I know she tries to hide it, especially from Sammy, but she's getting weaker every day. She can still walk around the house, but not for long periods of time because she gets tired easily," she replied.

"Your mom is the strongest person I know next to you. She's going to be okay," Raye said consolingly.

Serena shook her head. "Please Raye, stop lying to make me feel better. She's dying and there's nothing else we can do. With the exception of painkillers, Mom has stopped taking any medication of any kind. I've been here for three weeks already and I've seen what the cancer is doing to her. Mom doesn't have long," she finished softly.

On the couch next to her, Raye felt her heart breaking for her friend. 'It's not fair. She's been through _so_ much. First Jake; then all those guys in high school; the suicide attempt; her mother's cancer diagnosis seven years ago; that jerk Darien and now this. Yet, despite all this, or perhaps in _spite_ of all this, Serena has managed to hang on to her kind soul. I wonder when Serena's life is going to start changing for the better,' Raye thought as she put an arm around Serena.

"I'm really sorry to hear that, Sere. Just know that if you ever need anything, Justin and I are only a ten minute drive or a phone call away," Raye offered.

Serena sniffled and managed a weak smile. "Thanks Raye. That means a lot to me."

"No problem. By the way, who's with your mom now?"

"Aunt Celeste came over after her shift at the hospital and mom wanted to have a talk with her alone so Sammy went to Mika's house and I decided to come here," she explained. "I think mom wants to have 'the talk' with Aunt Celeste. You know, about her dying and the funeral arrangements and stuff like that. I think she thinks Sammy and I can't handle it but honestly, I've come to terms with her dying. I'm just glad to have had these extra six years that Sammy and I got to spend with her after she went on remission. I don't know about Sammy, though."

"So, Sammy's having a hard time dealing with all this, huh?" Raye asked.

Serena sighed. "I don't think he's ever gotten over mom getting diagnosed with cancer in the first place. He's still having a hard time accepting the fact that daddy died that night when he got into that argument with Jake. Don't forget, he was only thirteen at the time; he didn't know what I told daddy that day."

"None of us did," Raye reminded her gently. "I still can't believe you went through all that alone, Serena. I don't know how you did it."

"I had no choice; he was going to hurt my mother if I didn't do what he said to do. My mother has always been there for me and there was no way I would have allowed her to go through the humiliation and pain that I went through," Serena said determinedly.

Raye couldn't help but look at her friend in awe and admiration. 'She's so selfless. I don't know if I could have done what she did if I were in her place.' On an impulse, Raye wrapped both arms around her friend and gave her a huge hug, which Serena returned gladly. "How about you, are you okay?" she asked worriedly.

"Yes Raye, I'm fine," Serena answered.

"Are you getting enough rest? Food?"

"Yes I am. You know how much I like to eat, Raye. Besides, we've been trying to get mom to eat more often because she can't eat as much as she used to. Sammy's been to every take-out place from here to Buffalo. I think I've gained weight since I've moved back here," she said, patting her stomach lightly.

"Well...just make sure you get enough of both. You can't help your mom if you're not feeling one hundred percent, you know," Raye continued, disregarding Serena's look of impatience.

"I _know_ that Raye. Geez, something tells me you should have been a warden instead of a lawyer," Serena replied testily. She softened her face immediately at Raye's hurt look. "I'm sorry, Raye. I didn't mean to snap at you. I'm just tired of everyone around me telling me what to do. I know you're concerned but I've got everything under control."

"You have nothing to apologize for. You're going through a tough moment in your life and you're entitled to feel the need to take it out on the world sometimes. Lord knows your life hasn't always been easy."

"Try never. My life has pretty much sucked the moment Jake Cassidy stepped into it but I'm through playing the victim," Serena said firmly. She took a sip of her tea before continuing. "I took a part in my own self-destruction so I can't place all the blame solely on the entire male population."

"But it certainly is fun to try, isn't it?" Raye asked, her eyes twinkling mischievously.

"Amen to that," she replied and they clinked their cups together.

"So...have you told Darien that it was you he slept with?" Raye asked tentatively.

Serena lifted her nose haughtily in the air. "Let him figure it out himself. Why should I make it any easier on him?"

Raye could see through her friend's actions easily. "Do you still love him?"

Serena narrowed her eyes. "No I don't. He was just a passing fancy, that's all. We both had a great night of sex with no strings attached. In fact, I think it's a blessing in disguise that he doesn't remember who it was he slept with. Can you imagine how awkward the next morning would be? We both said a lot of things that we didn't mean in the heat of the moment that would have been embarrassing in the light of day. We were just two lonely people in need of a good fuck and we got one," she said nonchalantly.

Raye looked at her friend in concern. She knew the romantic ideals Serena had in high school when she first started going out with James. She remembered how excited Serena had been when she told her and Amy that James said 'I love you' to her and how devastated she was when he broke up with her. She knew that part of the reason Serena slept around was to find someone to love and who loved her back. Serena was the kind of person who wore her heart on her sleeve and yet was one of the most secretive people she knew. "Was it really just a 'good fuck' for you, Sere? You sure didn't act like it when you found out that Darien didn't remember you that night," she pressed.

"Well, how would _you_ act if the person you slept with the night before didn't remember you at all? I was just wondering if maybe I've been out of action for so long that I've forgotten how to please a man," Serena replied defensively. "I guess I was more angry at the fact that I gave such a lousy performance than the fact he couldn't remember me at all."

"Stop it, Serena. You were heartbroken when you overheard him talking to his friend and you know it. Don't do this to yourself!" Raye cried, frustrated that her friend was once again locking her feelings within herself.

"Don't do what?" Serena asked innocently.

"This. Stop pretending that that night meant nothing to you because I know for a fact that it did. It's written all over your face. You love him and pretending you don't won't help you heal any faster."

"WHO SAID I WANTED TO HEAL AT ALL?!" Serena burst out. Then, remembering Kayla asleep in the other room, lowered her voice. "Fine, you want to know the truth, well here it is: I hate him. I hate him for using me like that. I hate him for saying the words but not meaning them. I hate him for giving me something I've wanted all my life and then yanking it away from me. I hate him for invading every thought, every breath, and every action that fills my days. I hate Darien Shields because one day, he'll find the perfect woman to spend the rest of his life with and it won't be me!" she sobbed. Raye pulled Serena towards her and let her cry on her shoulder, whispering words of comfort that were neither heard nor understood by either one of them. Finally, Serena's tears ceased and Raye felt her pulling out of her arms.

"I really should get going. Mom might need me," she said hoarsely and stood up shakily.

"Serena..."

"Thanks for the tea and everything, Raye. I'll call you soon. You should visit the house one time with Justin and the baby, mom will love that," she continued, not paying attention to the worried frown creasing Raye's forehead. She bent down and gave Raye a tight hug. "Don't worry about me Raye. I just needed to get that out. You'll see, in a few days, I'll bounce back good as new and Darien Shields will be nothing more than an unpleasant memory. Turnabout _is_ fair play, after all."

Raye watched Serena gather her things hurriedly. "Well, if you're sure you're okay..."

Serena plastered a fake smile on her face. "Of course I'm sure. Now, I really must get back home and see how mom's doing. Say hi to Justin for me and give Kayla a kiss for me, will ya? Thanks again for everything Raye, I mean it," she replied, putting a little too much enthusiasm in her voice and movements. Raye followed her to the door silently, vaguely listening to Serena's babbling. They both said goodbye to each other, with Raye promising a visit to Serena's house soon. Finally, Raye closed the door with a sigh of relief, glad that her friend was gone so that she wouldn't have to listen to Serena berating herself for things that were not her fault.

'Oh Serena...' she thought sadly to herself.

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Serena walked out of the washroom and headed to the kitchen where her Aunt Celeste was making an early lunch for themselves and Ilene. Sammy had gone to work at the newspaper, where he wrote a daily column in the sports section, after he made sure his mother had taken her pain medication earlier in the morning. She greeted her aunt and took a seat at the kitchen table.

"Hey sweetie, are you feeling better?" Celeste asked. "Your mom told me that you've been vomiting a lot lately."

"It's just stress. That and the fact that I've been having this nightmare of the first time Jake..." she trailed off, unable to complete the sentence for she felt another bout of nausea. She pushed the chair away from the table and dashed back to the washroom where she immediately threw up.

When she got back to the kitchen five minutes later, Celeste was looking at her strangely. "Honey, are you sure it's just stress?" she asked hesitantly.

Serena looked up from the glass of orange juice she had been sipping. "Of course it's just stress. What else could it be?" she asked.

"Well...your mother told me that you met a young man in LA and that you had gotten really close to each other but when she asked you about him, you got all defensive," Celeste revealed. She set a bowl of chicken noodle soup in front of her niece and sat down across from her.

"You think my stress is because of Darien?" Serena asked skeptically. "I don't know if you've noticed, but my mom is terminally ill. I _think_ her problems outweigh my problems with Darien."

"Well, that's just it Serena. I don't think this is stress-related."

Serena leaned back in her chair impatiently, wishing her aunt would stop beating around the bush. "Well what is it? The flu, perhaps?"

"No...not the flu. Tell me-and you don't have to be embarrassed or anything, I'm a professional-but did you sleep with him?" Celeste asked.

Serena frowned. "No offense, Aunt Celeste, but that's _really_ none of your business."

"I'm only asking because it looks to me like you have morning sickness," she replied. "Morning sickness due to pregnancy, not stress or nightmares."

"There's no way...God could be that cruel," Serena whispered. She shook her head forcefully. "No, there's no way I could be pregnant with his child. There's just no way. You don't know _what_ you're talking about, Aunt Celeste."

Celeste raised an eyebrow in response. "Don't I? I am after all, a nurse, Serena. I recognize the symptoms. You have morning sickness _and_ you've gained some weight," she stated bluntly.

Serena crossed her arms defensively and stared at her aunt, enraged. "So what if I have morning sickness? That doesn't automatically mean I'm pregnant. Didn't I just tell you that I've been having nightmares about Jake and what he did to me? You know how I get when I hear his name! And I've gained weight because I eat a lot, not because I'm pregnant. Haven't you always wondered how come I eat so much but don't gain any weight? Well, it's finally caught up to me, that's all. How dare you presume that I'm pregnant? You don't know what I'm going through! You have no idea what's happened to me since I went to LA. If I say I'm not pregnant, then I'm not pregnant, got it?"

Celeste just sipped her soup impassively. "When was your last period?" she asked.

Serena drew a sharp breath as she realized that she missed her last one. "That's it, I don't have to listen to this! Tell mom I'm going out!" she said over her shoulder as she ran from the room.

Celeste winced as the front door slammed, causing the walls to vibrate noticeably. She sighed and got up to get a bowl of soup for her older sister. 'Well that just peachy,' she thought sarcastically as she ladled out the soup. 'Well Ilene, I tried. I told you she wouldn't listen to reason. I guess she's just going to have to find out for herself.'

*******************************************

Serena came home about two hours later just in time to relieve her aunt, who was due to start work soon. She glared at her aunt as she passed her on her way to the washroom.

"What's in the bag, Sere?" her aunt asked casually.

"None of your business,' she replied coldly as she slammed the door shut and locked it. She waited until she heard the front door close, indicating that her aunt had left for work, before turning her attention to the small plastic bag clutched in her hand. She felt bad for yelling at her aunt, who had been more like an older sister than an aunt to her, but the things Celeste had told her shook her up. After driving around aimlessly for about an hour, Serena finally worked up enough courage to go to the local pharmacy to buy a pregnancy test kit. She recalled staring in confusion at the multitude of boxes on the shelf and wondering which one was the most accurate. Finally, after fifteen minutes of silent deliberation, she decided to get a generic brand and one of the more popular kits on the market. She reasoned that she could take the generic one first, then follow it up with the other one just to make sure the results were accurate.

Her hands shook as she read the instructions on the box. 'All right, what do we have here? A positive is one blue line, a negative is two blue lines. Shouldn't it be the other way around? I mean, if you're going to have a baby, shouldn't it show two lines instead of one, indicating that there's two of you now? Oh, who cares? Why do you always get distracted when you're nervous? It says here that it takes five minutes before the results show up. That should give me enough time to drink a lot of fluids to prepare for the next one,' she thought. After she finished taking the test, she set it on the counter face down, not wanting to know the results before the next test was completed, and headed to the kitchen for a drink of water.

After drinking about six glasses of water in the span of five minutes, Serena once again headed to the washroom and locked the door behind her. The next box indicated that a positive result would be a plus sign, and a negative would be a minus sign. 'See? That makes perfect sense. Why couldn't the other one be this simple to read? You get what you pay for, I guess,' she thought with a shrug. This test only took two minutes for the results to appear on the stick so Serena decided to wait it out on the bathtub edge. She waited for ten minutes before she decided to take a look. She swallowed nervously and turned the cheap test over first.

One blue line.

Serena inhaled sharply and tried to stop her heart from jumping up her throat. 'Don't panic Serena. That was just the cheap test. You're _not_ pregnant. Watch, in two seconds, you'll know you're right when you look at the other, _better_ test. You'll be laughing about this five minutes from now, just like that time when you were sixteen,' she told herself confidently. She turned the other test over and stared at it, positive that she would see what she wanted to see.

A plus sign.

Serena reeled in shock and she had to grab the towel bar for support. She grabbed both boxes and reread the instructions frantically, hoping that the symbols somehow got mixed up in her mind. 'Oh God, one blue line means positive, a plus sign means positive. You're...pregnant,' she thought numbly.

"Shit...shit...shit...shit...SHIT!" she screamed at her reflection as she threw the boxes against the wall. "Why does my life ALWAYS fuck up? WHY?" She sank to the floor and sobbed frustrated tears. Serena was crying so hard that she never heard her mother knocking gently on the door or her unlocking it from the outside using a key. All of a sudden, Serena felt warm arms encircling her, and hearing soft words being spoken in her ear.

"Serena? What's wrong? Why are you crying?" her mother asked worriedly. Serena just continued to sob uncontrollably. Ilene looked at the fallen boxes on the floor and understood. She glanced at the counter where the two sticks were laying.

"You're pregnant, aren't you?"

Serena gasped. "No I'm not. Those...those tests are wrong. I didn't do it right or they were rejects that somehow made it on the store's shelves. I'm not pregnant...I'm not," she said pleadingly.

Ilene smoothed the damp hair from Serena's face. "Honey...you of all people should know just how far science and medicine has advanced in the last ten years. Those tests were accurate and they have been designed so that anyone can do it. Besides, you've had prior experience in taking one of these tests, so there's no way you could have screwed it up. Face it, you're pregnant," she told her gently. "Why don't we talk about this in my room where it's more comfortable?"

Serena nodded and helped her mother stand up. They made their way to Ilene's room slowly and silently. Ilene sat down on the bed with her back against the headboard and Serena crawled in beside her. "I can't be pregnant," she whispered to herself. "It was just one time."

Ilene sighed sadly. "Sometimes, it just takes one time. How long ago did you and Darien make love?"

"We didn't make love, we had sex. To make love, you have to be _in_ love," Serena responded bitterly.

"Why don't you tell me what happened," Ilene suggested reasonably.

"Simple. He was drunk, he told me he loved me and like a fool, I believed him. He took me to his room and had his way with me, then the next day I found out that he didn't even remember who I was! I overheard him telling his friend Drew at Amy's reception that I was just a great fuck to him and that I was probably just some slut he picked up at Zach's bachelor party. I had gone to feeling incredibly loved and appreciated to humiliated and rejected. I've never felt so cheap in my whole life," she cried.

Ilene felt tears coming to her eyes for her child. "Are you sure that he doesn't love you, sweetheart? Maybe you just misheard or something," she suggested.

Serena shook her head vigorously from side to side. "I know what I heard mom. I heard him say the three words I've been longing to hear all my life and I also heard his cruel remarks the next day. I will keep hearing them till my dying day. I should've known he was drunk! I mean, he just got back from a bachelor party for god's sakes! I should've recognized the signs. He stumbled on his own foot, his eyes were glassy, and he reeked of alcohol, and he had been feeling exhausted the entire week leading up to the party, making him more vulnerable to the alcohol's effect. Instead, I brushed my concerns aside because I felt like a hormonal teenager. Now I'm pregnant and he doesn't even know he's the father!" she exclaimed.

"What are you going to do?"

"Do?" asked Serena confusedly.

"About the baby?"

"I'm giving it up for adoption. I don't want anything to do with that bastard or his child," Serena said coldly.

"Serena...maybe you should think this over before you rush into such a big step. Could you really handle giving your own child away to a perfect stranger when he or she's got a perfectly loving family here?" asked Ilene.

"I don't need to think about this any further. I'm giving it away and that's that. I refuse to raise a child spawned by Darien Shields. This child deserves two loving parents and a stable home. I can offer none of those things. I'm unmarried, have a terrible past, and have become bitter towards life in general. I can't love this child because I'm incapable of it," she said firmly.

Ilene tilted her head to the side and looked into Serena's eyes. She could see a vulnerability and a fierce determination behind the anger. "What about Darien? Doesn't he deserve to know he's about to become a father? Doesn't he have a say in what happens to his child?"

Serena laughed out loud. "Deserve? I'll tell you what he deserves mom, and it's certainly not a child. He deserves to rot in hell beside Jake for what they've both done to me. He doesn't deserve to know that we could've had a beautiful family together if he hadn't lied to me, if he hadn't used me. Now I get to take something away from him."

"Serena, you should be ashamed of yourself, thinking about using your own child against him. I didn't raise you this way, young lady, and I don't like it. If you do this, you will just stoop to Darien's level, only you'll be much worse. Darien used a consenting adult while you're using an unborn child. Do you think this is some schoolyard game where you get to stop playing if you get tired? I'm sorry to break this to you honey, but this is real life and you have no right to use another person, much less a child, to punish another," Ilene told her sternly. "Don't hate this child for what his or her father has done. Love this child _in_spite_ of what his father has done."

Serena turned her face away from her mother so she wouldn't see the tears falling down her face. "I'll think about it," she replied stubbornly.

"Serena, please don't do this," her mother pleaded.

Serena got up and headed for the door. She paused and looked back her mother and smiled softly. "Thanks for the talk mama, but I haven't decided what to do yet. I will give it some time though, before I make up my mind, I promise. I love you," she added before she left the room.

"I love you too, Serena. Please, don't make this mistake. If you do, you'll regret it for the rest of your life," Ilene whispered.

**********************************

Ilene had taken a turn for the worse in the week that followed her conversation with Serena. She was now bedridden and in constant pain. Sammy and Serena were by her side almost constantly when they weren't resting for a while in their rooms. Celeste had also taken a leave of absence so that she could tend to her dying sister. The four of them knew that it wouldn't be long before the inevitable. That night, Celeste had sat the kids down and told them that their mother would probably be gone by morning.

"NO! We should take her to the hospital. The doctors can give her more medicine to make her feel better. She's strong; she can get through this," Sammy insisted, tears pouring down his face. "I won't let you stand here and tell me that my mom is dying!"

"Sammy," his aunt gently chided, "she's in a lot of pain. I don't think she can hold out much longer." Celeste put her hand on her nephew's broad shoulder, which he shrugged away angrily. "Don't make this any harder for your mom."

"Aunt Celeste is right, Sammy. You don't want mom to suffer any more than she already has, do you? She'll finally be free from all the pain once she gets to heaven. Plus, she'll be reunited with Daddy," Serena said as she hugged her younger brother. She felt his tears falling on the back of her neck. "Don't cry Sammy. Be happy for mom because she's going to be in a better place."

Sammy broke down on Serena's shoulder. Celeste left the two of them alone and went to say goodbye to Ilene in private. "I don't want her to go, Sere," Sammy whispered. "When dad died, I thought that I would die too. Mama was the one who pulled us together as a family. When you tried to kill yourself and I found out what Jake had done to you, I blamed myself for not knowing what you were going through. Mom had a talk with me in my room after we got back from the hospital and explained to me that it wasn't my fault and that I couldn't have known. She's always been there for me- for us. If she goes, who will look after us?"

Serena wiped away his tears. "She will look down on us from heaven with Daddy and make sure we're okay. We've got to be strong for her sake. We've got to show her that we'll be fine on our own and that she can rest now. Don't you want her to be happy and at peace when she _does_ leave us?"

Sammy nodded his head reluctantly. "I'm scared Sere," he whispered.

"I am too," she admitted. "But look at this from mom's point of view. She has one kid who has never gotten over his father's death and has never stopped blaming himself for what happened to his sister and another kid who can't quite make up her mind whether or not she's going to keep her baby. I'm sure mom doesn't want to leave us with all that's going on but she can't help it and I know that must make her feel like she's letting us down somewhat. We've got to tell her that we'll be here for each other so she doesn't have to worry about us. Can you do that?" she asked gently. Sammy nodded, wiping away the last of his tears. "I know it's hard Sammy, but we've got to do it for her sake. Mom has always sacrificed for us, it's our turn to sacrifice for her."

Celeste had crept to the living room where brother and sister sat huddled on the couch. "Serena? Sammy? Your mom wants to talk to you. I think she wants to say goodbye," she said softly.

Sammy and Serena stood up and walked down the hallway leading to their mother's room. Sammy took his sister's hand and squeezed it tightly. "I don't know if I can do this, Serena," he whispered.

"You have to. Give her your blessing because like it or not, she's not going to make it to morning," she whispered back. She pushed the door open and both of them walked cautiously to their mother's bed, one on each side.

Ilene's face had turned thin and pale from lack of food and rest. Her skin looked and felt clammy and her hair lacked its usual lustre. "Serena, Sammy, is that you?" she asked hoarsely.

Serena took her mother's hand in her own and stroked it comfortingly. "Yeah mom, it's us. Aunt Celeste told us you wanted to say something."

Ilene nodded weakly. "I just...I just wanted to say that I'm so proud of the two of you and what you've become despite all the hardships that you've gone through at such a young age. I also wanted to apologize..."

"Apologize? For what?" Sammy asked, smoothing her hair away from her forehead.

"I should have known what was going on all those years ago. If I had known what Jake was doing, I would've stopped him and your father wouldn't have gotten killed. You guys wouldn't have lost your father, Sammy would've been better able to cope with what's to come and Serena wouldn't have had to suffer as much. It's all my fault and I'm sorry I can't stay to fix it," Ilene replied, wincing as her body wracked in pain.

"No mom, it's not your fault. Nothing is your fault. Sere and I will be just fine so don't worry about us. We'll always have each other and Aunt Celeste to watch over us, not to mention that you and dad will be watching us from heaven. I'd say we're plenty covered," Sammy comforted.

"What about the baby?" Ilene asked.

"I've made an appointment to see the OB/GYN in four days. It was the soonest she could squeeze me in," Serena said.

"Are you going to keep it?" Ilene asked worriedly.

Serena hesitated. "I'm not sure yet, mom. I'll wait until the appointment before I make up my mind."

Ilene smiled wanly. "That's all I ask. I'll send you a sign from heaven when you've made your decision."

Sammy and Serena let their tears flow. "If it's too hard for you mama, it's okay. We understand if you want to leave us. We don't want you to suffer anymore," Sammy said, taking her other hand.

"Thank you. You've put my fears to rest and now I think I can join your father soon. I love you both so much," Ilene said softly, her breathing beginning to slow.

Serena's stomach dropped. "We love you too mama."

"We love you mom," Sammy chorused.

Ilene smiled one last time and closed her eyes. Soon, her breathing became more laboured and her chest rose less and less frequently until it stopped altogether. Sammy put his head down on the bed and wept broken-heartedly.

"Mama?" Serena whispered uncertainly. She felt her mother's wrist and found no pulse. She rose slightly and planted a kiss on her mother's forehead. "Goodbye mama."

******************************

Serena was sitting on the couch of her mother's home the day after the funeral. Many friends and family and come to give Sammy and Serena support in this difficult time. Close to three hundred people came to the funeral to pay their last respects to Ilene, many of whom were coworkers and friends that neither Serena nor Sammy had ever met. The service was lovely with Sammy delivering the eulogy and Serena, Celeste and other family members narrating various anecdotes about Ilene's life that made the mourners laugh and cry at the same time.

Today, Sammy, Celeste and Serena had gathered at the house for the reading of the will an hour ago. It turns out that Ilene had saved up a substantial amount of cash through wise investing, life insurance policies in her name and Kenneth's, and her own common sense. She bequeathed to Serena and Sammy eighty percent of her money, totaling about half a million dollars. Ilene had left her sister with the rest of the money and whatever else from the house that her children didn't want to have. She left Sammy the deed to the summer cottage up north and Serena the deed to the house. All in all, Serena and her brother wouldn't have to worry about money for a long time.

"So Serena..." began Celeste, "how are you feeling?"

"I'm fine Aunt Celeste," Serena answered dully.

"What are you going to do now? Are you going back to LA?"

"I don't know yet. I have to make a decision about the baby first," she explained. "Could we talk about this later, Aunt Celeste? I have a splitting headache."

"Sure dear. But if you do decide to stay here, I know for a fact that you can always have your job back at the hospital and that Sammy and I will be behind you one hundred percent," Celeste replied. Serena smiled and nodded her thanks before walking to her room and closing the door softly behind her.

******************************

"Ms. Mathis? Ms. Mathis?" the receptionist called.

Serena broke out of her trance when she heard her name being called. "Yes, that's me."

"The doctor will see you now," she replied. Just put on the gown and have a seat in the examining room. The doctor will be in shortly," the receptionist explained.

Serena nodded and followed her instructions. She changed out of her clothes, noting the slight protrusion in her abdominal area and sat on the table. "Just because I'm seeing a doctor to have an ultrasound, doesn't mean I care one little bit about you," she told her stomach. "I just want to make sure you're okay, nothing more, nothing less."

Just then, she heard a sharp knock on the door. "Are you ready for the examination?" Dr. Smith called from outside.

"Yes doctor," she replied.

The doctor opened the door and let herself in. Dr. Michelle Smith was a slim, graceful woman with shoulder length, wavy hair. "So Ms. Mathis. What is it that I could do for you today?"

'You're the doctor, you tell me,' Serena thought. "I've come here for an ultrasound. I found out about a week ago that I'm about three months pregnant," she stated in a no-nonsense voice.

"Are you sure you're three months along?" the doctor asked, consulting her file.

"Yes. I know for a fact that this baby was conceived on July 14."

"Well then, that means you'll have an April baby. Why don't you lay back so that we can begin the ultrasound? Will the baby's father be joining us?" the doctor asked.

"No. The father will most definitely _not_ be joining us," Serena replied harshly. Dr. Smith nodded her head in understanding and lifted the bottom of the paper gown over Serena's stomach.

"Now this will feel a little cold," she warned as she squirted the jelly-like substance used for ultrasounds. Serena gasped as the stuff made contact with her skin. Soon, the doctor had was moving the sonographer around her stomach until she found what she was looking for. "There's your baby," she said.

Serena reluctantly looked at the screen and saw a tiny figure floating around in a sea of black. "See, there's his head and his stomach. That's one of his arms right here," the doctor pointed out.

"He?"

"Forgive me, it's a little too early to tell but I've gotten so used to addressing all fetuses this way. But it looks to me like your baby is perfectly healthy. Look, he's even sucking his thumb," Dr. Smith replied, pointing out the tiny arm crooked towards it's equally tiny mouth.

"What's that sound?" Serena asked.

"That really fast thumping sound is your baby's heartbeat," she replied.

"Is it supposed to be that fast?"

Dr. Smith beamed. "It's perfectly natural. It'll slow down once he gets older. I'm going to leave you for a minute so that you can get acquainted with your baby."

When Dr. Smith had left, Serena traced her finger along the outline of the baby's head on the monitor. 'That's my baby,' she thought, tears coming to her eyes. 'That's my baby's heartbeat and that's his finger and those are his toes.' Suddenly, she felt a surge of pride as she looked at her unborn child. 'Hello little one. I'm your mommy.'

Dr. Smith came back with a videotape in her hand. "Would you like me to tape this and take his first picture?"

Serena nodded eagerly. "Yes please. I can't wait to show my brother and aunt when I get home." Dr. Smith printed out the sonograph as she was taping the baby's movements.

"There. Your baby's first picture and first home video. Take these prenatal vitamins everyday with a meal and make another appointment to see me about two weeks from now," she said as she handed Serena some vitamins. "I don't think I have to tell you not to smoke or drink anything while you're pregnant and you should get plenty of rest, relaxation and healthy food. Take care."

"Thank you doctor, you don't know what this means to me," Serena said, clutching the video and picture tighter to her chest. She walked out of the doctor's office after booking an appointment to see the doctor in the next two weeks. She hailed a cab and asked to be taken to Pine Hills Cemetery.

When she got there, she trudged up the path she walked barely three days ago. She stopped at her mother's freshly dug grave which was right beside her father's grass-covered one. Serena knelt down and brushed away some leaves that had fallen over her father's grave marker.

"See Daddy? This is going to be my baby and you're going to be a grandfather," she said softly as she waved her child's picture towards the heavens. "I've decided to keep him, mama. How could I not keep this precious child?" She stayed there for another half hour, talking to her parents about her fears on becoming a parent when, just as she was about to leave, a white rock dove flew over her head. Serena looked up as a single feather fell down and onto her lap beside the picture in her hand.

~~ "I'll send you a sign from heaven when you've made your decision." ~~

Her mother's voice seemed to call to her in the breeze. Serena smiled and picked up the feather, tracing it over the picture. "Thank you mama," she whispered. Finally, she got up and called another cab to take her home.

As soon as she got home, she headed straight to the phone and dialed a number. "Hello, Delta Airlines? How may I help you?" a nasally voice droned.

"Yes, I'd like to book a flight to LA tomorrow please, round trip," Serena replied.

"Just a minute," the voice said before she put her on hold.

'Darien has taken my heart and my dignity away, I'll be damned if he takes my child away too,' she thought darkly. Suddenly, the voice came back. "Yes, my name is Serena Mathis and I'd like to book a flight to LA...no, I won't be staying there long. Probably not even overnight...yes...yes..."

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Read and review please! Sean, funny how you came up with a plethora of your own questions. Let's make a deal. I'll stop bugging you for plotlines and you stop with the insightful Barbara Walters questions, k? Just hurry it up with the next chapter please!