Chapter 17: Awakening
Severus Snape woke before dawn, as was his habit, and took a moment to register he was lying in a bed instead of sitting in his normal chair, and a second more than that to remember why he was there.
It was the warm body of a young woman curled up on his chest that gave it away, really.
Hermione, his angel, had finally fallen into his arms. Instinctively he tightened his grip around her shoulders, in case this was a dream, and on full awakening she would slip away with the last vestiges of sleep. But it wasn't a dream, and there was still a sleeping form, stirring slightly in response to his movements, when he looked down again.
Although as an early riser, Severus would normally have spent this time reading the paper and drinking coffee, often laced with something to take away his hangover, he decided to stay still. His head was pounding as a result of copious amounts of alcohol consumed the night before.
Mentally, he chided himself for drinking at all. After nearly twenty years of dedicated drinking, the threshold which he had to overcome to actually get drunk was rather high. Even though the night before he had been mostly in control of his actions, he had still drunk enough brandy to have a serious headache this morning. He forced himself to stay motionless, telling himself sternly that it was self induced, and that Hermione's emotional welfare was far more important than his comfort.
He wasn't going to risk letting her awake alone.
* * *
The sun was fully up by the time that Hermione began to stir. She could feel it shining on her as she came to, radiating from the mural. It was much more pleasant than the usual flickering candle light she had grown accustomed to. She felt unaccountably warm, and it was only as she felt her body moving slightly with the rhythmic breathing of the chest she was resting on, that she remembered that she was not alone.
Severus had his arms snugly round her shoulders, supporting her as she slept. With one hand he was idly playing with the tips of her hair, running it along his fingers. Thus held, she felt simply safe and warm.
Raising her head she looked up to find him gazing at her, wearing a soft smile. She smiled in response, and he kissed her forehead. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she brought his face down for a proper kiss.
When she settled herself back against his shoulder, he pulled up the bedcovers around them both, to guard against the early-morning chill in the air. Neither seemed willing to talk, to break out of the protective cocoon they found themselves in, in case they were unable to go back.
Eventually he said "Good morning?" making it sound like the question it was meant to be.
Stroking his chest, she replied, "Definitely. What are you thinking?"
He paused, trying to edit his thoughts, before deciding in this case honesty was the way forward.
"That I just made love to a student, and if Dumbledore doesn't fire me, then Minerva will wring my neck. And I'm desperately hoping that you aren't regretting what happened; or deciding that last night is all you wanted, and getting ready to let me down gently. That's about all the worries I have room for right now, so . . ."
He let his voice trail away, trying to interpret what her silence meant.
"You think I'm going to leave you? End this?"
"No, I'm terrified that's what you're going to do, or someone else is going to make happen."
She looked up at him thoughtfully, trying to find the words to reassure him. And to reassure herself, that she hadn't just jumped into a huge emotional black hole.
What doesn't destroy you makes you stronger
Strange that a Nietzsche quote should come into her mind at that very moment. Severus had a habit of quoting the one about the abyss and the monster to her. Holding him tighter she whispered,
"Three months ago I could never imagine wanting anyone else to ever touch me again --- ever trusting anyone enough. But you changed that for me; in fact you can consider yourself responsible for restoring my faith in the male of the species. Last night was about that, for me. But I love you now more than I did before, because I don't just know I can trust you, I truly believe it.
"And as far as anyone else ending this relationship is concerned, Dumbledore pretty much gave us carte blanche to do as we please. I'm not going to be the one that ends the relationship, and you know it."
He was looking at her intently now as if trying to drag out her meaning from her emotions. The last few phrases had come out bossier than she intended, but that made them no less true. And anyway, that was just a sign of her old character reasserting itself, a feeling that she at least had some control over her life again.
Probably cursing the fact that he was empathic not telepathic, he had to ask,
"What do you mean?"
She took a deep breath and decided it was time for laying bear of souls, as their naked bodies were currently wrapped around eachother.
"I have every reason to want to move on and away from Hogwarts. You don't. If you stay here you can carry on as before; and if you say the word I'll keep my promise to you. It's much more difficult for you to choose to be with me than it is for me to choose to be with you. You offer me love, security, support, experience, companionship; all I have to offer you is a total disruption to the routine of your life -"
Which was as far as he let her get before he cut her off mid-flow.
"You think that your loving me isn't the most important thing that's ever happened to me? You think that your trusting me hasn't made me feel alive for the first time in many years? You think that I wouldn't die for you if you needed me to?"
"I know that you love me, I just don't know if it's enough."
"What? Do you want me to prove myself."
There was a hard edge creeping back into his voice as he spoke. Yes she thought yes, you will have to prove yourself to me, but not in anyway you expect. Which was not what she said.
"No Severus, you don't have to prove yourself to me. Just don't push me away, please; I don't think I could stand that."
In response he just stroked the soft skin on her back in small circles working his way down until he found the sensitive spot, which elicited a small gasp from her.
"When I woke up this morning I was actually happy for the first time I can remember, holding a beautiful woman in my arms. We're a pair aren't we; just look how quick we've got rid of all the positive emotions."
She moaned again, then said in a voice that was definitely husky, "What were you proposing to do about that?"
"I had a few thoughts, if you're willing." He looked down into her brown eyes already clouded with desire, and knew what her answer would be.
"Yes, Severus, make love to me. Properly this time." She added a touch mischievously.
"Oh, I see I have a dissatisfied customer. Maybe you'd like an exchange." It seemed the Snape sarcasm had now woken up as well.
"Can I have something less touchy please? This one seems to get his feathers ruffled at the slightest thing and constantly needs his ego bolstering."
"Touché"
"I mean, last night you let me use you to satisfy my curiosity. And while it was what I wanted then, it'd be okay for you to take control a bit."
He rolled her fully onto her back and propped himself up beside her, before saying, "Just tell me if you want me to stop."
She merely grinned as if to say of course and stretched herself out full length for him.
He turned her face to one side, pulling her into a kiss that was more passionate than any they had yet shared, but instead of backing away from the intensity, she responded by pulling him closer, turning on her side to do so.
Faces level she rubbed her body against his in slow, languid strokes as if they had all the time in the world. Which in truth, they did have. Their presence would not be required until lunch to finish the remains of the turkey, still five or so hours away.
For most of the time, Severus held onto his control better than Hermione managed, but in the end they both formed a disorderly jumble of limbs, sweating and panting.
Remaining close, they drifted to sleep.
* * *
Severus was gone and Hermione was lying alone in the double bed. She could still smell the scent of him in the air and on the bedding, and she had made little effort to straighten the tangled sheets.
She was more concerned with untangling her emotions - every time she closed her eyes she could feel the ghost of his touches on her body, and remember the sensations of him moving inside of her. But then, just as she started to let herself be washed away by the images, there would be a stab of pain, dredged up from that other time.
She was fighting to stop her mind tangling Severus in with Potter, to keep the memories separated, and barely succeeding. It had taken ever ounce of her vaunted Gryffindor courage to let him touch her, although she knew that was not the problem. It was not the foreplay that forced her to recall the past.
It went against her nature to be so inherently selfish - she knew he was still mainly concerned with her pleasure, and it troubled her to think that some of that came from his belief that he didn't deserve to be happy, ever.
Needless to say, Hermione didn't agree.
She had no way of changing the past, even if she wanted to, so there was nothing left to do but move forward.
About suffering they were never wrong,
The Old Masters: how well they understood
Its human position; how it takes place (W H Auden)
Well, she would have the miraculous birth, but she hoped that Severus wouldn't be the child skating on thin ice. In the end, it was all about balance.
And moving on.
But sometimes to fight the future you had to face the past.
* * *
Several floors up, Severus Snape was standing in the circular living room above Dumbledore's office, the walls magically expanded so as to allow all the teachers remaining in school over the holidays to attend his post- Christmas party. Right now Snape was concentrating on being a Professor, and an aloof and intimidating one at that. It was necessary to avoid his thoughts drifting back towards Hermione, and the inevitable reaction that caused. Professor Sprout was talking to him, something about the new crops that he wasn't to dig up until she had taken cuttings to start the next years, and Professor McGonagall was glaring at him across the room, when Dumbledore caught him by the elbow and steered him away.
"Was she awake when you left?" Dumbledore asked in an undertone when they were out of hearing distance.
"Of course, I'm not that cruel yet." Then realising exactly what he had snapped, he winced, slightly.
"Oh, don't fret, Severus, I'm not going to do anything, so long as this information remains between the three of us."
"And I was planning to tell Minerva, just to prove that she could hate me more."
"Now, Severus, that was uncalled for. All she sees is that when her students get themselves into trouble you always seem to be there."
"Persecuting Gryffindors is my life's work, didn't you know."
"Severus."
"Headmaster."
"So long as you don't persecute one particular Gryffindor."
"I trust we're not referring to Potter."
"Even I don't order miracles and expect them to work. No, I mean Miss Granger."
"I don't intend to."
"Good. Now I doubt anyone will notice should you want to slip away. Have a nice day."
Which received a nod, and a minute or two later, Snape slipped unnoticed out of the door. It was one habit spying had taught him that he was thankful for.
* * *
Entering his room, he looked around for Hermione, and not seeing her, wandered into the bedroom. She was still in bed, her fingers worrying at the hem of the sheet, and looking towards the mural, which now showed another scene, one he had never seen before.
She wasn't looking at the door, and seemed to have not notice him enter. He cleared his throat, trying not to startle her.
She looked up, and smiled as he sat on the bed, and leant forward as he moved to kiss the sensitive spot between her eyes.
Stroking her hair, he drew away, and chided,
"Are you going to stay in bed all day?"
"Don't know."
"No, was the answer you were looking for."
"Hmmpf."
"Do you know how to double apparate?"
"Yes, why?"
"Tell you later. Go and get dressed. I'll be back soon."
She wriggled out of bed and he watched her naked form all the way to the bathroom, before rising and heading down to the kitchens.
A/N:
Okay, some of your reviews have commented on the lack of detail. If you're looking for the unedited version, (i.e. NC-17) check the site listed as my homepage on my author page. The story is under the angst fics, and contains unabridged versions of Chapters 2, 18 and 19 (although the headings are slightly different there UNRAVEVELLING and CHRISTMAS). Thanks to Aurinia for mentioning it.
The W H Auden poem is Musée des Beaux Arts, and is lovely, if depressing.
The fight the future bit is an obvious reference to the X Files, good show, but I miss Mulder.
Bye - Photis.
Severus Snape woke before dawn, as was his habit, and took a moment to register he was lying in a bed instead of sitting in his normal chair, and a second more than that to remember why he was there.
It was the warm body of a young woman curled up on his chest that gave it away, really.
Hermione, his angel, had finally fallen into his arms. Instinctively he tightened his grip around her shoulders, in case this was a dream, and on full awakening she would slip away with the last vestiges of sleep. But it wasn't a dream, and there was still a sleeping form, stirring slightly in response to his movements, when he looked down again.
Although as an early riser, Severus would normally have spent this time reading the paper and drinking coffee, often laced with something to take away his hangover, he decided to stay still. His head was pounding as a result of copious amounts of alcohol consumed the night before.
Mentally, he chided himself for drinking at all. After nearly twenty years of dedicated drinking, the threshold which he had to overcome to actually get drunk was rather high. Even though the night before he had been mostly in control of his actions, he had still drunk enough brandy to have a serious headache this morning. He forced himself to stay motionless, telling himself sternly that it was self induced, and that Hermione's emotional welfare was far more important than his comfort.
He wasn't going to risk letting her awake alone.
* * *
The sun was fully up by the time that Hermione began to stir. She could feel it shining on her as she came to, radiating from the mural. It was much more pleasant than the usual flickering candle light she had grown accustomed to. She felt unaccountably warm, and it was only as she felt her body moving slightly with the rhythmic breathing of the chest she was resting on, that she remembered that she was not alone.
Severus had his arms snugly round her shoulders, supporting her as she slept. With one hand he was idly playing with the tips of her hair, running it along his fingers. Thus held, she felt simply safe and warm.
Raising her head she looked up to find him gazing at her, wearing a soft smile. She smiled in response, and he kissed her forehead. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she brought his face down for a proper kiss.
When she settled herself back against his shoulder, he pulled up the bedcovers around them both, to guard against the early-morning chill in the air. Neither seemed willing to talk, to break out of the protective cocoon they found themselves in, in case they were unable to go back.
Eventually he said "Good morning?" making it sound like the question it was meant to be.
Stroking his chest, she replied, "Definitely. What are you thinking?"
He paused, trying to edit his thoughts, before deciding in this case honesty was the way forward.
"That I just made love to a student, and if Dumbledore doesn't fire me, then Minerva will wring my neck. And I'm desperately hoping that you aren't regretting what happened; or deciding that last night is all you wanted, and getting ready to let me down gently. That's about all the worries I have room for right now, so . . ."
He let his voice trail away, trying to interpret what her silence meant.
"You think I'm going to leave you? End this?"
"No, I'm terrified that's what you're going to do, or someone else is going to make happen."
She looked up at him thoughtfully, trying to find the words to reassure him. And to reassure herself, that she hadn't just jumped into a huge emotional black hole.
What doesn't destroy you makes you stronger
Strange that a Nietzsche quote should come into her mind at that very moment. Severus had a habit of quoting the one about the abyss and the monster to her. Holding him tighter she whispered,
"Three months ago I could never imagine wanting anyone else to ever touch me again --- ever trusting anyone enough. But you changed that for me; in fact you can consider yourself responsible for restoring my faith in the male of the species. Last night was about that, for me. But I love you now more than I did before, because I don't just know I can trust you, I truly believe it.
"And as far as anyone else ending this relationship is concerned, Dumbledore pretty much gave us carte blanche to do as we please. I'm not going to be the one that ends the relationship, and you know it."
He was looking at her intently now as if trying to drag out her meaning from her emotions. The last few phrases had come out bossier than she intended, but that made them no less true. And anyway, that was just a sign of her old character reasserting itself, a feeling that she at least had some control over her life again.
Probably cursing the fact that he was empathic not telepathic, he had to ask,
"What do you mean?"
She took a deep breath and decided it was time for laying bear of souls, as their naked bodies were currently wrapped around eachother.
"I have every reason to want to move on and away from Hogwarts. You don't. If you stay here you can carry on as before; and if you say the word I'll keep my promise to you. It's much more difficult for you to choose to be with me than it is for me to choose to be with you. You offer me love, security, support, experience, companionship; all I have to offer you is a total disruption to the routine of your life -"
Which was as far as he let her get before he cut her off mid-flow.
"You think that your loving me isn't the most important thing that's ever happened to me? You think that your trusting me hasn't made me feel alive for the first time in many years? You think that I wouldn't die for you if you needed me to?"
"I know that you love me, I just don't know if it's enough."
"What? Do you want me to prove myself."
There was a hard edge creeping back into his voice as he spoke. Yes she thought yes, you will have to prove yourself to me, but not in anyway you expect. Which was not what she said.
"No Severus, you don't have to prove yourself to me. Just don't push me away, please; I don't think I could stand that."
In response he just stroked the soft skin on her back in small circles working his way down until he found the sensitive spot, which elicited a small gasp from her.
"When I woke up this morning I was actually happy for the first time I can remember, holding a beautiful woman in my arms. We're a pair aren't we; just look how quick we've got rid of all the positive emotions."
She moaned again, then said in a voice that was definitely husky, "What were you proposing to do about that?"
"I had a few thoughts, if you're willing." He looked down into her brown eyes already clouded with desire, and knew what her answer would be.
"Yes, Severus, make love to me. Properly this time." She added a touch mischievously.
"Oh, I see I have a dissatisfied customer. Maybe you'd like an exchange." It seemed the Snape sarcasm had now woken up as well.
"Can I have something less touchy please? This one seems to get his feathers ruffled at the slightest thing and constantly needs his ego bolstering."
"Touché"
"I mean, last night you let me use you to satisfy my curiosity. And while it was what I wanted then, it'd be okay for you to take control a bit."
He rolled her fully onto her back and propped himself up beside her, before saying, "Just tell me if you want me to stop."
She merely grinned as if to say of course and stretched herself out full length for him.
He turned her face to one side, pulling her into a kiss that was more passionate than any they had yet shared, but instead of backing away from the intensity, she responded by pulling him closer, turning on her side to do so.
Faces level she rubbed her body against his in slow, languid strokes as if they had all the time in the world. Which in truth, they did have. Their presence would not be required until lunch to finish the remains of the turkey, still five or so hours away.
For most of the time, Severus held onto his control better than Hermione managed, but in the end they both formed a disorderly jumble of limbs, sweating and panting.
Remaining close, they drifted to sleep.
* * *
Severus was gone and Hermione was lying alone in the double bed. She could still smell the scent of him in the air and on the bedding, and she had made little effort to straighten the tangled sheets.
She was more concerned with untangling her emotions - every time she closed her eyes she could feel the ghost of his touches on her body, and remember the sensations of him moving inside of her. But then, just as she started to let herself be washed away by the images, there would be a stab of pain, dredged up from that other time.
She was fighting to stop her mind tangling Severus in with Potter, to keep the memories separated, and barely succeeding. It had taken ever ounce of her vaunted Gryffindor courage to let him touch her, although she knew that was not the problem. It was not the foreplay that forced her to recall the past.
It went against her nature to be so inherently selfish - she knew he was still mainly concerned with her pleasure, and it troubled her to think that some of that came from his belief that he didn't deserve to be happy, ever.
Needless to say, Hermione didn't agree.
She had no way of changing the past, even if she wanted to, so there was nothing left to do but move forward.
About suffering they were never wrong,
The Old Masters: how well they understood
Its human position; how it takes place (W H Auden)
Well, she would have the miraculous birth, but she hoped that Severus wouldn't be the child skating on thin ice. In the end, it was all about balance.
And moving on.
But sometimes to fight the future you had to face the past.
* * *
Several floors up, Severus Snape was standing in the circular living room above Dumbledore's office, the walls magically expanded so as to allow all the teachers remaining in school over the holidays to attend his post- Christmas party. Right now Snape was concentrating on being a Professor, and an aloof and intimidating one at that. It was necessary to avoid his thoughts drifting back towards Hermione, and the inevitable reaction that caused. Professor Sprout was talking to him, something about the new crops that he wasn't to dig up until she had taken cuttings to start the next years, and Professor McGonagall was glaring at him across the room, when Dumbledore caught him by the elbow and steered him away.
"Was she awake when you left?" Dumbledore asked in an undertone when they were out of hearing distance.
"Of course, I'm not that cruel yet." Then realising exactly what he had snapped, he winced, slightly.
"Oh, don't fret, Severus, I'm not going to do anything, so long as this information remains between the three of us."
"And I was planning to tell Minerva, just to prove that she could hate me more."
"Now, Severus, that was uncalled for. All she sees is that when her students get themselves into trouble you always seem to be there."
"Persecuting Gryffindors is my life's work, didn't you know."
"Severus."
"Headmaster."
"So long as you don't persecute one particular Gryffindor."
"I trust we're not referring to Potter."
"Even I don't order miracles and expect them to work. No, I mean Miss Granger."
"I don't intend to."
"Good. Now I doubt anyone will notice should you want to slip away. Have a nice day."
Which received a nod, and a minute or two later, Snape slipped unnoticed out of the door. It was one habit spying had taught him that he was thankful for.
* * *
Entering his room, he looked around for Hermione, and not seeing her, wandered into the bedroom. She was still in bed, her fingers worrying at the hem of the sheet, and looking towards the mural, which now showed another scene, one he had never seen before.
She wasn't looking at the door, and seemed to have not notice him enter. He cleared his throat, trying not to startle her.
She looked up, and smiled as he sat on the bed, and leant forward as he moved to kiss the sensitive spot between her eyes.
Stroking her hair, he drew away, and chided,
"Are you going to stay in bed all day?"
"Don't know."
"No, was the answer you were looking for."
"Hmmpf."
"Do you know how to double apparate?"
"Yes, why?"
"Tell you later. Go and get dressed. I'll be back soon."
She wriggled out of bed and he watched her naked form all the way to the bathroom, before rising and heading down to the kitchens.
A/N:
Okay, some of your reviews have commented on the lack of detail. If you're looking for the unedited version, (i.e. NC-17) check the site listed as my homepage on my author page. The story is under the angst fics, and contains unabridged versions of Chapters 2, 18 and 19 (although the headings are slightly different there UNRAVEVELLING and CHRISTMAS). Thanks to Aurinia for mentioning it.
The W H Auden poem is Musée des Beaux Arts, and is lovely, if depressing.
The fight the future bit is an obvious reference to the X Files, good show, but I miss Mulder.
Bye - Photis.
