Chapter Four

Where Flees and Bombadil Dwell

"Dork, how fare is it to the Bucklebelt Ferry again?" Stan asked.

"For the thousandth time. We'll get there, when we get there." Dork replied.

"But, I'm hungry." Stan whined.

"Tough." Fiona said, quite annoyed by now.

"Meany." Stan said.

"Don't make me reach back there." Peepin said.

Soon, they arrived at a riverbank. An old willow-tree was the only thing that sat near it. Suddenly, they heard a song, and a sleepiness started to overcame them, and they began, one by one, began falling asleep.

Dork and Peepin sat against the old willow. Stan and Fiona were too stupid with tiredness to notice that it opened up and started to swallow their comrades.

Stan turned around and noticed what was happening to Dork and Peepin.

"There's more behind this than sun and warm air." He muttered to himself, "I don't like this great big, Hobbiraptor-swallowing tree. I don't trust it. Hark at it singing about sleep now!"

He heard Fiona fall into the river. He turned to see her struggling with tree-root that was obviously alive. He grabbed her by the jacket and pulled her up and out of the water.

"It pushed into water and was trying to drown me!" Fiona whined.

"I think you were dreaming." Stan told her.

"I was not! That tree is evil." Fiona said.

"I am not evil." The tree replied, "I just like picking on things too small and weak to fight back, that's all."

"Shut up, this does not concern you!" Stan said, sternly.

"Fine." The tree replied, pouting.

"Wait a minute, that tree just spoke." Stan said in realization.

"Excellent logic, Holmes." Fiona replied, sarcastically.

"Thanks." Stan said, not catching the sarcasm.

Fiona walked over to the tree and starting pulling Dork's legs, in an attempt to free him of the tree. It was no use. The tree had him.

"Stan, go get help. I'll continue to try and free our friends." Fiona told him.

"Right." Stan answered, and ran off to find help, "Help! Help us, somebody." Stan yelled as he ran along.

"Hey dol! Merry dol! Ring a dong dillo!
Ring a dong! Hop along! Fal lal the willow!
Tom bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo!" a voice answered.

"Huh." Stan said, confused.

"Hey! Come merry dol! Derry dol! My darling!
Light goes the weather-wind and the feathered starling,
Down along under Hill, shining in the sunlight,
Waiting on the doorstep for the cold starlight,
There my pretty lady is, river-woman's daughter,
Slender as the willow-wand, clearer that the water.
Old Tom Bombadil water-lilies bringing
Comes hopping home again. Can you hear him singing?
Hey! Come merry dol! Derry dol! And merry-o,
Goldberry, Goldberry, merry yellow berry-o!
Tom's in a hurry now. Evening will follow day.
Tom's going home again water-lilies bringing.
Hey! Come derry dol! Can you hear me singing?"

Stan did not quite know what to think, but he ran in the direction of the voice, anyway.

"Hey! Derry dol, Merry dol, Old Tom, Goldberry, Merry Yellow Berry-o, Merry-o, or whatever your name is. Can you hear me?" Stan yelled in the direction of the voice.

He ran as fast as he could towards whoever had been singing. A figure came into view, this sight caused Stan to speed up more.

"Hey, you Can you come help me, my friends are in a mess." Stan asked him, as he sped up.

"Whoa! Whoa! Steady there!" cried the figure, who obviously an old man.

Stan stopped cold.

"Now, my little Stan-Dumb, where be you a-going to, puffing like a bellows? What's the matter here, then? Do you know who I am? I'm Tom, Tom Bombabil, Tom Bombadillo. Tell me of what's your trouble! Tom's in a hurry now. Don't you crush my lilies!" Tom said. Gesturing to the lilies that Stan almost rampaged over.

"I would tell you my troubles if you would shut up! Geez, I can see why Peter Jackson cut from the film." Stan shouted, exasperated.

"Now, now, there's no need to.WHAT? That silly little fellow cut me, Tom, Tom bombadil, Tom Bombadillo, from the movie!" he cried.

"Yeah, it must suck for you." Stan said, "Whereas I take center-stage in part three, "The Return of the Foxworthy".

Bombadil sighed, "Well, where are your little Hobbitraptor friends?"

"That's I what I tried to tell you, this great big willow-tree had gone and swallowed two of them." Stan said.

"Old Man Willow! Naught worse than that, eh? Than can soon be mended. I know the tune for him. Old gray Willow-man! I'll freeze his marrow cold, if he doesn't behave himself. I'll sing his roots off. I'll sing a wing up and blow leaf and branch away. Old Willow-man!" Tom Bombadil said to no one in particular, and led the way back to Old Man Willow.

"He has a way with words." Stan muttered as struggled to keep up with Bombadil, which was quite hard, since the old man walked at thirty miles per hour.

Bombadil disappeared from view. Stan started to run after him. When he found his way back, Bombadil was standing by the willow tree. Fiona had managed to get herself stuck in the crack that Dork and Peepin had disappeared into as well.

"Oh, great. It's the Bombadil-man" Old Man Willow muttered, "Go away! Your talk in the must complex, annoying way."

"Old Tom will show you to eat Hobbiraptors, they give you stomach- aches, believe Old Tom, I know!" Tom replied.

Stan eased his way, away from Bombadil, upon hearing this.

Tom broke off a branch to hit the tree with.

Old Tom started to sing: "You let them go, Old Man Willow! What be you a-thinking of? You should not be waking. Eat earth! Dig Deep! Drink water! Go to sleep! Bombadil is talking!" The crack widened and Bombadil pulled all the little Hobbiraptors out.

"Thank you, whoever you are." Fiona said.

"Yes, thank you. I am Dork."

"Yes, I can that." Bombadil replied.

"No, no, that's my name." Dork said.

"Oh." Tom said, "Well, my little fellows and girl! You have quite a long journey ahead of you."

"Which way is the Bucklebelt Ferry?" Dork asked.

"What! You led us out here and you don't even know where the Ferry is?" Fiona cried, frustrated.

"Well, I knew where it is, but forget." Dork replied.

"What a dork." Tom muttered under his breath.

"Your sure this is the way Bombadil said to go?" Peppin asked Dork, as they trotted along the path Bombadil showed them.

"Yes, yes. I'm sure." Dork replied, "Why are you all questioning me?"

"Because, it was your sense of direction that got us swallowed by a demonic willow tree." Fiona answered.

"There it is." Stan said, pointing to the dock where the Ferry was.

"Well, it seems I got us out a another mess." Dork said.

"What a dork." Fiona said.

They walked up to the Ferry. An old man who looked suspiciously like Goondolt came into view.

"Goondolt?" Fiona asked.

"No, I am Fizban, and I am searching for the Heroes of the Lance. Can you help me find them?" he asked.

"Your in the wrong books, this is "The Lord of the Jurassic Parks", and your looking for "DragonSpeare"." Fiona told him.

"Oh, fiddlesticks, er.I mean. A crazy old wizard is never in the wrong place, nor is he in the right place, but arrives precisely where he means to." The old man replied.

"Yeah, whatever." Fiona told him.

"Oo, I'll show you to make fun of me." Fizban said, "I'll send a fireball on you, and I'll.what was I saying?"

"Oh, we don't know." Dork answered.

"Oh, okay, see you later, then." Fizban said, and disappeared.

"That was weird." Stan said.

"Well, we better be getting going." Fiona said.

"Right." Dork replied. He, Stan-Dumb, and Peepin got onto the ferry.

"Hold on a minute. I have to relieve myself." Fiona told, and went into the bushes.

"Okay, we'll wait." Dork said, accidently letting go of the rope that was holding the Ferry where it was.

Foina emerged from the bushes, shortly after.

"Hey!" she shouted, "Don't leave me behind! Dork, Peepin, Stan, come back! Help, Aunty Em, Aunty Em!"

"I can't come back, I don't know how it works!" Dork replied, "So long, folks." With that, he jumped into the water.

"You can't swim." Fiona called.

"I just remembered that." Dork called back.

Within a few minutes, Peepin and Stan pulled Dork back onto the Ferry and paddled back to shore to get Fiona.

"Next time, wait for me. I'm the Embryo-bearer." Fiona declared.

"I didn't know you were pregnant." Peepin said.

"I'm not. I'm carrying the One Embryo of Power, remember?" Fiona said.

"Oh." Peepin said.

"Fool of a Fool." Dork said.

They heard Goondolt's voice in the distance, "Hey! That's my line!"

"Sorry!" Dork called back.

"What a Dork." They heard him mutter.

"Okay, enough is enough, would everyone stop using that pun?" Dork shouted.

"Sorry, Dork. Hehehe." Fiona said, chuckling.

"Yeah, I'm really sorry, Dork." Stan said, surpressing some laughs.

"What's going on?" Peepin asked.

"Nothing, I'm just being insulted." Dork replied.

"Hey! Just get on the ferry. I can only keep the readers entertained for so long with funny dialogue." The Author, Drew L. cut in.

"Okay." The four Hobbiraptors replied, and got on the Ferry.

"Hey! Can we have your story?" Mike Nelson from Mystery Science Theater 3,000 asked.

"No." Drew L. replied.

"Dang, it looks like rain." Peepin said, gazing up at the sky.

"You want to know why it looks like rain?" Dork asked.

"Sure." Peepin replied.

"Because, it is raining!"

"Oh."

"And they accuse me of being stupid." Stan said to himself.

"I see the village." Fiona told them, looking ahead of them on the trail.

They went up to the entrance of the walled village, Flees, and knocked on the door. A man slid the window of the door open and looked out at them.

"Who are you and what is your business here in Flees?" he asked.

"We want to stay at "The Grisly Adams Inn." Fiona answered, "What we do here is our own business."

"Right, just say the passcode first." The Gatekeeper responded.

"I know it." Dork cut in, "It is: Shemmy, shimmy, rock. Shemmy, shimmy, cocoa puff, shimmy, shimmy, rock, shimmy, shimmy, cocoa puff! I got a girlfriend, she likes Flees, I stole my momma's wallet, and punch me in the stomach three more times!"

"Come on in." the Gatekeeper said, and opened the door.

"Okay." Fiona replied.

They entered the village.

"Anyone see the Inn?" Fiona asked.

"Its over there."

"Thanks. Who said that?" Fiona asked.

"Not me." Stan replied.

"Nor us." Dork and Peepin said.

"Well, no matter. I can see it, now we better get it out of the rain." Fiona said.

Dork opened the door to the Inn, and a foul smell came stampeding out from within.

"Wow! It is really foul in there. I'm not going in." Peepin declared.

"You have no choice, its in there, or the rain." Fiona said.

"Oh, nuts." Peepin said.

"Well, welcome, little masters." The barkeeper said as they entered the Inn, "If your seeking boarding for the night, we have some nice teeny sized available. Mrs.?"

"Mrs. Under-Me." Fiona said, "We're looking for Goondolt the Pink, can you tell him we've arrived?"

"Under-Me? Yes?" The barkeeper said, "Goondolt, Goondolt? Oh, yes, I remember, elderly chap, great white beard, Umbrella-Hat. Haven't him for six years."

"What? What do you mean you haven't seen him for six years?" Fiona asked.

"I thought it sounded the way I said it. I mean I haven't seen for six years." The barkeeper replied.

The Hobbiraptors got into a little huddle.

"What do we do, coach?" Peepin asked Fiona.

"First, we wait around for a bit for Goondolt." She replied, "Come on, team, let's find a table to sit at."

Fiona found a table fairly close to the fireplace.

"He'll be here, Fiona, don't worry. He'll be here. YOU HEAR ME, HE'LL BE HERE!!!!!" Stan shouted, frantically trying to calm down Fiona, who was generally calm up until he starting shouting.

"Um, right. Whatever you say, Stan." Fiona said, inching herself away from him.

"Oh, thank you for calming down, Mrs. Fiona! I mean it, thank you!" Stan cried.

At this point, Fiona had left to "get another beer".

"I think Stan-Dumb is having little episode." Peepin exclaimed.

"Gee, I haven't noticed." Dork replied, sarcastically.

Just then, Fiona came back, with the mother of big mugs.

"What's that?" Peepin asked.

"This, my friend, is a gallon." Fiona answered.

"It comes in gallons, I'm getting one!" Peepin declared and ran off to the counter.

"But, you've already had enough to have had two gallons." Stan called after him.

"Hey! Who's the pervy guy that's been staring at Fiona?" Dork asked.

"A guy is checking me out?" Fiona asked, "You have to tell these things, or else how can I meet anyone?"

"Well, I don't like the look of him." Dirk replied, pointing at a dark figure in the corner.

"Pardon me." Fiona said to the Barkeeper, "That man in the corner, who is he?"

"He's one of them rangers, smelly folk, they are, wondering the wilds, I've never heard his right name, but around here, he's known a 'Stinker'." The Barkeeper said.

"Nah, he's not my type. I don't like dangerous men." Fiona said, after giving him another good look-over.

"What about James bond?" Dork asked.

"That's fantasy, in real life, if I hung around with a dangerous man, I'd be on an episode of "Cops", wearing a helter-top, yelling: "Lock his ass up! Lock his ass up!"

"And he'd say, 'you better not touch any cigarettes, you hear me woman!' as the cops dragged him away" Fiona answered.

"Oh, yeah. I see your point." Dork replied.

She took the Embryo out of her pocket and began fiddling with it in her hands.

"Bagginse, Bagginse." A voice whispered to her.

"Bagginse? Of course I know her, she's over there, Fiona Bagginse." Peepin answered the questions of some suspicious looking persons at the counter.

This brought Fiona back to reality. She ran up to Peepin, and tried to stop him.

"Peepin, you fool!" she said, tripping over someone's shoe.

"Calm down there, Fiona!" Peepin replied, drunkenly.

Fiona fell to the floor, and the Embryo flew straight up in the air and landed in her hand again. She suddenly, disappeared into thin air.

To her, it seemed that she was surrounded by water, yet she was not wet, and still in the bar.

'Did I have more to drink than I thought?' Fiona asked herself.

"Bagginse." The voice called, again.

She turned to see a great nostril of flame coming towards her.

"You cannot hide, I smell you. There is no life in the nose, only snot." The nostril said.

Thinking quickly, she took the Embryo off her hand, and the world returned to normal. Well, as normal as could be expected in a world of fantasy.

A hand grabbed her from behind and spun her around. It was the man called, Stinker.

"Do you always want to drew this much attention to yourself, Mrs. Under-Me?" he asked.

"So what if I do?" she asked.

"Sh!" he said, and dragged her upstairs and into his room.

"What you going to do to me? What do you want?" she asked him.

"If could have what I want, my life would be SO much better." The man said, with a suddenly dreamy look in his eyes.

"Right, weirdo." Fiona replied.

"What post-egg liquid do you carry?" he asked.

"I carry nothing." Fiona replied, "I am a wondering magician."

"Indeed, I can avoid being seen, if I wish." he started to say.

"You couldn't have been more obvious downstairs." Fiona pointed out.

"Well.I wanted to be noticed, yeah, that's it." He said.

"Whatever." Fiona said.

"Anyway, they are coming, you can no longer wait for the Pink wizard." He told her.

The door burst open, and Stan-Dumb, Dork, and Peepin rushed in, dressed as "The Powderpuff Girls".

"Powderpuff Girls, ready to attack!" Dork shouted.

"What the hell?" Stinker asked, "Are they always like this?"

"You have no idea." Fiona replied.

Meanwhile, the gatekeeper, sat out in the rain.

"They don't pay me enough for this." He said.

"THUMP!" something outside went.

"Now, who would be out here at this hour." He wondered.

He slid the window and didn't like what he saw, and no, it wasn't John Goodman in fishnets. It was what looked like the Grim Reaper, or the Ghost of Christmas Future with some buddies.

They knocked the gate over on the Gatekeeper, and ran over it.

"That's it, I quit!" The Gatekeeper shouted after being smashed under the gate.

The Dark forms entered the Inn and went up the stairs. The leader opened the door to the room where Stinker and the Hobbiraptors were staying.

The beds where obviously occupied by someone. Fore there were lumps under the covers.

The Dark Riders took their positions over the beds. They raised their swords to go in for the kill, and again stabbing the lumps under the covers, but unknown to them, the Hoobiraptors were safely across the street with Stinker.

Fiona shivered as the Riders shrieked in anger upon discovering that they had been tricked. The other three were awakened from their slumber by the noise. Stinker sat by the window and watched closely as the Dark Riders got back on their horses and road off into the night, making sure to run over the Gatekeeper a second time. And Babe Ruth was still on third.

"What are they?" Fiona asked.

"They are the Nasties, Genetic-Wraiths, neither fake nor real, at all times they can feel the presence of the Embryo, they will never stop seeking you while you hide.

TO BE CONTINUED.BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!