Chapter Seven

Of Anti-Dramatic Vsts Suits and King Kalamari

"Now, my lass." Raptor Red told her niece, "I have some things you'll need."

Raptor Red went about opening a very old chest and revealed its contents: a silver-vest and a sword.

"You see this?" she asked, pulling the chest out, "This is an official "Anti-Dramatic Death Vest, a light as a feather, and as hard as dragon-scales."

"Wow!" Fiona exclaimed.

"But, wait, theirs' more!" Raptor Red continued, "If you take the offer now, you also get this great "Luke Skywalker signed glow-sword that glows blue when fangirls are close, and its times like that Fiona, where you have to be extra careful."

"Oh!" Fiona said.

"Only for the price of one Embryo!"

"Sure.what?! 'At the price of one Embryo'!" Fiona cried.

"Sure. Why?" Raptor Red asked.

"No way am I giving the Embryo to anyone." Fiona replied.

"Give me my precious, my Pretty!" Raptor Red shouted, lunging at Fiona.

Fiona dodged out of the way.

Suddenly, the local mental doctors knocked down the door.

"Can't you people just open the door by turning the knob just once?" Raptor Red asked, exasperated.

"No. We love to break things." They replied, "And you forgot to take your medication. You'll need it before you go around trying to exchange something to get the Embryo."

"NO! You'll never catch me!" Raptor Red said, grabbing a broomstick and jumping out the window.

It didn't work, and she fell into the ravine below.

"AAAAUGH! WHAT A WORLD, WHAT A WORLD! WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT!" she screamed as she fell.

"Come on guys, she's done it again." The head mental doctor told the others, "Maybe we can get to her before the current carries her into back to Slobbiton this time."

"That was weird." Fiona said.

Later, at the rear entrance of RiverDale, The Fellowship of Fools listened to Mr. Weatherbee bid them fairwell.

"The Embryo-bearer is setting out of her quest to Mount-Obscure actor. Know this, no oath or contract is laid on you to go further than you will, so if you get bored of the quest, you can just abandon your comrades." Mr. Weatherbee explained.

"The Fools await the Embryo-bearer." Goondolt said.

Fiona turned around looked at these cliqued characters she would be traveling with one more time before starting out. They followed her lead as she walked out of RiverDale.

"Goondolt, which way is Biosyn, up, down, left, right, North, West, East, South, staight-ahead, or tipsy-turvy?" Fiona asked.

"Um.what was the question? You asked too many directions." Goondolt replied.

"Oh, for the love of Pete! Which way do we go from here?" Fiona asked.

"Left."

"Thank you." Fiona asked, annoyed.

She led the rest of the Fools left.

"We must hold to this course for a hundred days and one hundred one nights. From there, our course turns, east, to Biosyn." Goondolt announced to the others.

They, later, found a nice spot on the hard rocks, up in the mountains.

Boredom decided to teach the Hobbiraptors how to use swords. Grisly had an idea. Leggy just stood there in his normal, passive manner.

"If somebody was asking for my opinion, which I know your not. I would say we were taking the long around. Goondolt, we could go to the Mimes of Moria. Marcel Marco would give us a silent, but royal welcome." He said, confidently.

"No, Grisly, I would not take the roads, through Moria unless I had no other choice." Goondolt replied.

"Ow!" Peepin cried out, "You hit me!"

"Well, you stabbed me!" Dork shouted in reply.

"Yeah, well.you're a dodohead!" Peepin replied.

"I'm a dodohead? Your're the dodohead!" Dork retorted.

"Well, you're a stupidhead." Peppin said.

"No, that's just Stan." Dork replied.

"Well, I guess that's true, but.you're a dodhead!" Peepin stuttered.

"Oh, man, don't start all over from the beginning." Dork said.

"All right, Dork, Peepin, that's enough!" Arrogant told them.

"What's that?" Stan asked, looking over the hill.

"It's a squirrel of Isengoat!" Goondolt cried out in alarm, "Hide!"

Everyone rushed to get their stuff and themselves hidden from the squirrel before it noticed them.

It ran by the place they were hiding, and then turned around and ran back in the direction it came.

The Fools came out from their hiding places.

"A spy of Sorehead, the passage South is being watched." Goondolt announced, coming out from behind a big rock, "We must take the Pass of Madness!"

They were pretty soon well on their way on up to the Pass.

Fiona was having trouble getting up the steep slopes of the mountain, and finally slipped and rolled down it.

"Fiona!" Arrogant called as he ran up to stop her descent. He caught her and she noticed right away, that she had dropped the Embryo.

She looked up the slope just in time to see Boredom pick it up.

"Boredom." Arrogant said.

"It is a strange hate, that we should all suffer being parodies so much, over such a little thing." Boredom said, seemingly hypnotized by the Embryo, "Over, such a little thing."

"Boredom!" Arrogant yelled, this time, getting his attention, "Give the Embryo to Fiona."

Boredom hesitated, but walked down the slope, and gave it up.

"As you wish, I don't care." Boredom said, then noticing Arrogant had his hand on his swordhilt.

To prove he did not care, he gave Fiona a Dutch-rub.

Meanwhile, the squirrel returned to Isengoat to report to Sorehead.

"Squeak, squeak, squeakin'." It told Sorehead.

"So, Gooldolt, you try to lead them over Madness, and if that fails, where then will you go?" Sorehead asked, "Would you take a more dangerous road?"

The Fools noticed right away that the weather-conditions were becoming nasty.

"Stupid Elf." Arrogant said, "Since you can walk on the snow, why don't you help out and carry one of the Hoobiraptors?"

"What? And get my hands dirty?" Leggy replied, "You're out of your mind."

"Prissy Elf." Arrogant muttered.

Leggy stopped and listened, "There is a fell voice in the air." He exclaimed.

"It's Sorehead!" Goondolt the Pink declared.

Some rocks and snow were knocked down from above and barely missed the Fools.

"He's trying to bring down the mountain! Goondolt, we must turn back before my hair is ruined!" Leggy shouted.

"Pansy Elf." Grisly and Arrogant both muttered.

"NO!" Goondolt replied, and stepped forward for dramatic effect.

"Blah, blah, blah! Blahblahblah!!!" He shouted, defying Sorehead for second time, doesn't this guy ever learn?

"Blah!" Sorehead replied, and caused the whole bunch of stuff to fall on the Fools.

They punched their way to the surface and were still chest-deep in snow.

" 'We must go back', I said. 'No', they said. Nobody listens to the Elf!" Leggy said, frustrated.

"Stop up!" Arrogant and Grisly yelled.

"We must get off the moutain, make for the 'Gap of Equestrians', and take the shores of some word the audience can't understand!"

"The Gap of Equestrians will take us too close to Isengoat!" Arrogant replied.

"We cannot go over the mountain!" Grisly cut in, "We must go under it. We must to the Mimes of Moria!"

"Moria." Sorehead said, "You fear to go into that place, the Mimes dug too greedily, and too deep. You know what they aroused in the darkness of Constant Gloom, Goondolt. Shadow, and Stench.

"Let the Embryo-bearer decide." Goondolt said to the others.

Fiona looked around to see the expectant eyes of the Fools.

"We will go to the Mimes." She declared.

"So be it." Goondolt said.

"The walls of Moria!" Grisly exclaimed when they had reached them.

"If you spend time looking at and admiring walls," Dork said, "You're more of a dork than I am."

"Silence, ignorant one!" Grisly said, "No one calls a dwarf a dork!"

There was a foul pond their, and the Fools were careful not to touch it. All except for Peepin, anyway.

"Where is the entrance?" Stan asked.

"Right in between these trees." Goondolt answered, pointing at two trees that were positioned just right for being on both sides of a door.

"That's solid rock, Goondolt." Stan corrected him, "Maybe you need your eyes checked."

"Silence, you fool of a O' Gee." Goondolt said, "It only reflexs starlight and moonlight."

Just then, the clouds quite conveniently parted to allow the moon to shine on the doors.

There was writing on the doors. Obviously written in the language of Jibberish.

"The doors of Gomer, lord of Moria. Speak Idiots, and enter." Goondolt translated.

"Okay. Stan. Peepin. Come here." Goondolt ordered, "I will tell you the password as soon as I can think of it, and I'll have you two say it to the doors."

"Why would Jim Morrison and his band want to know the password?" Peepin asked.

"You took of a Fool." Goondolt said, "I meant these doors!"

"You mean, 'Fool of a Took', right?" Fiona asked.

"NO! Peepin's last name is Fool, so I have to say 'Took of a Fool." Goondolt replied.

"Why don't you say 'Fool of a Fool'?"

"Because that would redundant." Goomdolt answered.

"Well, 'took of a Fool' is just as redundant." Fiona responded.

"You fool of a Bagginse, don't question a wizard that is in stressful situation! Didn't your aunt teach you anything other than how to speak Quenya?" Goondolt asked, frustrated.

"Yes, why?" Fiona asked.

"Oh, never mind." Goondolt replied, and turned back to the task at hand.

"Now, Stan, I want you to say.Stan?" Goondolt said, turning to where Stan had been starting a minute ago.

Peepin and Stan were laying against the doors, asleep.

"Wake up, you amllnos!" Goondolt shouted at the two sleeping Hobbiraptors.

The doors suddenly opened.

"Oh, that's how we get in." Goondolt explained, "I said idiot in Elvish and it opened."

(I couldn't find my copy of RotK, so I made a word up by mixing up the letters in "Mallon".)

"Well, in we go!" Grisly exclaimed.

"Wait!" the author, Drew L. yelled, "You forgot to throw a rock into the pond."

"Why would we want to do something stupid like that?" Goondolt asked.

"Because I wrote it that way."

"Oh, fiddlesticks!"

"Okay, I'll just get this over with." Goondolt said, lifting a boulder with his magic, and cast it into the foul pond.

"There! I awakened the King Kalamari. Are you happy.Drew L.?" Goondolt said.

By this time, Drew L. had run far away from the pond.

"Well, into the mountain we go." Arrogant said.

They entered the main chamber.

"Now, master Elf, you will see the fabled hospitality of the Mimes." Grisly declared, excitedly, "Spakespeare performed all in Mime, people behind invisible walls, and all the pale, strange faces a child would run in terror from!"

"Some one, please kill the dwarf." Leggy said.

They looked around a bit.

"This is no underground civilization, it's a mime's nightmare!" Boredom exclaimed.

All around them were the bodies of dead mimes.

"No, no, no. NNNOOO!!!!" Grisly cried upon seeing this, and cried.

Leggy pulled an arrow out of one of the mimes, and recognized the art of who made it.

"Fangirls!" he declared.

They all pulled out their weapons.

"We make for the Gap of Equestrians." Boredom said, "We should never have come here. NOW, GET OUT OF HERE! GET OUT!"

The Hobbiraptors backed out of the cave in terror. Suddenly, Fiona was pulled down by something. Dork, Peepin, and Stan grabbed her and tried to help her.

"Stinker!" Stan called to Arrogant.

"Get off her!" Stan said, slicing at the tentacle that was holding Fiona.

"OW! Stan, you're also cutting my leg!" Fiona cried.

"The tentacle retreated back into the pond. Then, a whole mess of tentacles came out and punched the Hobbiraptors.

"OW!" Stan cried, "Oh, you want a piece of me? Come on." Stan yelled, raising his arms like a boxer.

Stan and the tentacle circled eachother.

"Okay." Goondolt said, suddenly wearing a ref's outfit, "I want a clean, no hitting below the waste, like this!" Goondolt demonstrated by hitting Stan where the sun doesn't shine.

"OW! You fool of a wizard!" Stan hissed under all the pain.

"Okay, let's get underway." Goondolt said, giving the signal for the fight to begin.

The tentacle punched at Stan, but he ducked and hit it hard. It recoiled and hit him harder.

"Whom are you betting on?" Peepin asked, while eating his popcorn.

"Where'd you get popcorn?" Dork asked.

"Oh, the author was kind enough to have me suddenly holding it." Peepin replied.

"No fair! Peepin gets popcorn and we don't!" Dork said.

"Sh! Stan's beating it." Boredom said.

Stan hit the tentacle again, and again.

"Ding." The bell went.

"Okay, Stan wins, tentacle loses. We go into the mountain." Goonsolt declared.

They picked their gear back up and headed on inside.

Fiona noticed that Goondolt was wearing his typical wizard's clothes again.

"How did you change clothes so fast?" she asked him.

"I am a wizard." Goomdolt answered.