Chapter Eight
Marcel Marco's Tomb and the Bridge of Constant Gloom
"We must now face the long dark of Moria." Goondolt told the Fools, "Be on your guard, it is a week long journey to the other side, and it may be hard to imagine, but there are older, fouler things than fangirls, in the deep places of the world. Let us hope that our presence will go unnoticed."
"At least I don't have to worry about fangirls." Fiona said, confidently.
"Don't sound so confident, they take no female prisoners. Just pretty boys like Arrogant and Leggy." Grisly replied.
"Yes, that's why I'm not worried." Fiona said.
"They will kill anyone who is not handsome to them." The dwarf finished, "I know the type. I have fought in wars against them. Poor Calin, he was ugly, but that was merciful compared to what happened to Howard Handsome."
"Okay, now I'm worried." Fiona said, worriedly.
A new fear embodies itself in the Fellowship as they continued on their journey.
The caverns of Moria seemed to go on and on. Just like the movie, 'Titanic'. Even with Goondolt's glowing staff, they could see no end to it all.
"Did I mention to anyone that I am very clostri, or chlustri.afraid of enclosed spaces?" Peepin asked.
"Oh, great." Arrogant muttered.
"I mean, I'm not too nervous or anything, butt.oh, what the heck! HELP! The walls are closing in on me! Aaaaaugh!" Peepin screamed.
Four hours later, they managed to calm him down.
"Oh, sorry guys. It seemed that those darned walls were closing in on me." Paapin said.
"Yes, you couldn't have made it anymore obvious with your girly shrieking." Dork said.
"I don't shriek like a girl." Peepin said.
"Want a bet?" Dork asked.
They set off again and continued wondering the dark halls, long and hard. Through the caverns, the tunnel led to a staircase that seemed to go on forever. Until, it came to an intersection with three different tunnels. Two of which lead right into the clutches of rabid fangirls, only one lead to safety.
Goondolt looked around and still had no idea of which was way they should choose.
"I have no memory of this place." Goondolt said the others.
Hours later, Goondolt still sat there thinking.
"Dork, I think I'm about to have another episode." Peepin told his friend.
"Shut up." Dork replied, knocking Peepin out.
Fiona sat there, thinking about they would escape if any fangirls caught them. And also pondered what Grisly meant when he death was merciful to anyone who was caught by a fangirl.
She happened to be looking back, saw little creature that resembles something you might have a hard time passing something through your system.
She ran up to Goondolt.
"There's something down there." She told him.
"It is Gallstone." Goondolt replied, "I considered doing the sensibly thing of telling the rest of your that we were being followed by an enemy, but then thought, 'what the heck'."
"Gallstone, he escaped the dungeons of Badguy?" Fiona asked.
"Escaped?" Goondolt asked, "He was tagged and set loose in his natural environment."
"The life of Slimey is a tragic tale." Goondolt told Fiona, "Yes, Slimey, he was once called, before the Embryo found him, before it dove off the deep end. And now he hates and loves the Embryo, as he is addicted to himself. He will never be rid of his need for it."
"It's a pity Aunt Red didn't snuff him when she had the chance." Fiona said.
"Pity? Now, let me explain the obvious facts of life, Fiona." Goondolt said, "Many that get off live (like say, O.J. Simpson) don't deserve to. And that die (like say, James Dean) deserve life. Can you give it to them, Fiona?"
A look of realization crossed Fiona's face.
"Do not be so eager to deal out death and stupid juries. My script tells me that Gallstone has some part to play, yet. The pity of Raptor Red may rule the fate of many, most notably, right the last minute of this thousand page saga."
Fiona sat down, and said, "I wish the Embryo had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened."
"So do all who live in fantasy sagas that have been written since "The Lord of the Rings", and are filled with suspiciously, Sauron-like villains, but that is not for them to decide." Goondolt replied, "All we have to do is decide what to do with the time the author gives us."
Fiona listened intently to these wise words.
"There are other forces at work in this tale, besides the will of evil, there not easy to in this one, but they're there. Raptor Red was meant to find the Embryo, in which case you also were meant to have it, and that is an encouraging thought to everyone except you."
Suddenly, Goondolt smelled something familiar.
"Oh, its that way."
"He's remembered." Dork said.
"No, but I can smell the cooking of a restaurant located just at the rear exit of the mountain. When in doubt, Dorkeodoc, always follow your nase." Goondolt replied.
Goondolt led them down the tunnel where the welcoming scent was coming from.
When they reached the end of the tunnel, they found themselves in a gigantic cavern.
"Let me risk a little more light." Goondolt said aloud.
The staff shined brighter and some of the cavern was revealed.
"Behold! The great realm of the Mime city of Silencolot." Gondolt announced to the Fools.
They continued on their way, following the smell of fastfood.
As they walked on, Grisly noticed a chamber that was off to the side. As he got closer to it, the purpose of the chamber became clear. It was a tomb.
"Ah!" Grisly cried out as solfly as can be expected of a dwarf, and ran in the direction of it.
"Grisly!" Goondolt called after him.
Grisly payed no heed as he ran to the chamber. He entered the tomb and saw the inscription on the casket.
"No. No." he said, grief stricken.
The other Fools entered.
Goondolt looked at what the inscription said.
"Here lies Marcel Marco, Lord of the Mimes." Goondolt read aloud.
"He is dead, just as I feared." Goondolt added.
"Um, what is Grisly doing?" Peepin asked.
"I'm miming a funeral prayer, its what he would've wanted." Grisly answered.
Goondolt reached for a book that was conveniently placed in the hands of a mime-corpse that propped against the casket.
"Oh, sick!" Dork said, "You're actually going to touch something a rotting corpse has been crutching?"
"Yes, and I do have to thank for making me look at what I'm about to do in a new light where my gag-reflex is put into use." Goondolt replied.
Goondolt picked up the book after putting on some rubber-gloves, and started to read it aloud:
"We have barred the gates, but cannot hold them for long. They have taken the bridge, and the second hall. Giggles, giggles in the deep. We cannot get out. The shadow moves in the dark. We cannot get out. They are coming!"
Just then, Peepin wondered up to a dead guy that was barely balanced on the edge of a well. He had an arrow sticking out of him, it had the words, "Don't turn me!" on it.
Peepin turned the arrow.
"Crash!" the dead-body went as it fell to the bottem of the lake.
The others whirled around in surprise.
The crashing continued.
"Took o a Fool!" Goondolt said, sternly, "Next time, throw yourself in, and rid of your stupidity."
He snatched his hat and staff away from Peepin.
"Hee, hee, hee!" a giggle was heard in the deepness of the well.
The giggles became louder, and louder, and nearer.
"They are coming!" Goondolt said, anxiety heard in his voice.
"Fiona!" Stan said, "our sword."
Fiona pulled her sword out of its scabbard just enough to see the blade. It was glowing blue, which meant the fangirls were close!
Boredom ran up to the door to see if they were coming yet. Two arrows with love letters on them hit the door right next to Boredom's face.
"Get back!" Arrogant shouted, "And stay close to Goondolt!"
The two men pulled the doors shut.
"They have Shrek with them!" Boredom shouted to the others.
Leggy tossed Boredom and Arrogant some axes to bar the door with.
Everyone got back from the door and took out their weapons. Leggy and Arrogant aimed their arrows at the door.
Grisly jumped up on the tomb and shouted: "Let them come! I am one dwarf they'll never take alive!"
The fangirls crowded at the door, their squeals could be heard from other side. They managed to make a hole in the door: big mistake.
One fan girl looked in through the hole to see who was in there. When she saw her favorite characters, she squealed: "Oh, my gosh, Leggy, Arrogant, Boredom, Peepin, and Dork are in there!"
The other girls joined in the cheering and with renewed determination, started pushing on the door.
Leggy took a shot at the door.
"Hey! No fair, they have arrow-thingies, too!" a voice said from the other side of the door.
The door finally give in and opened.
The fangirls paused a moment to get a good look at their heroes, then put their hands to their cheeks and squealed in delight, and charged forward.
Arrogant and Leggy were able to kill four before they even got to them. The fangirls weren't disheartened by this and kept coming. Sword and shield met lip and hairdryer.
Fiona, Stan, Dork, and Peepin charged forward with Goondolt.
(Now, when I wrote sword and shield met lib and hairdryer, I didn't mean the Arrogant, Leggy, Boredom, and Grisly were hacking the fangirls to pieces, they were just hitting them with the flat of their weapons just to knock them out. Fangirls are, after all, just teenage girls with mothers that would become the real threat if their daughters were killed.)
Arrogant hit another with the flat of his blade, then another, then another.
"Back, vile libs!" Boredom cried as he knocked another fangirl back with his shield.
Arrogant paused upon a loud, pounding sound.
Shrek came in following a fangirl.
"Now, what's this you're telling me about mean boys that hit girls?" he asked the one that led him in.
'Them." The fangirl said, pointing to the Fellow.
Shrek looked over just as Arrogant hit another.
"Now that's not very nice. Nobody hits a girl in my caverns." Shrek said, stepping toward Arrogant.
"You mean, 'our caverns'." A voice yelled from outside.
"Go away, Donkey. I have some butt to kick." Shrek called back.
With that, Shrek started towards the heroes. Leggy shot an arrow at him.
"OW!" Shrek yelped, "Okay, you asked for it, Elf boy!"
Shrek lunged towards Leggy, and was totally oblivious to the fact that Stan had to duck under him in order to being stepped on.
Grisly tossed one of his throwing axes at Shrek, and hit him.
"OW! Okay, you just invited me to take out a can of whoop-ass, pal!" Shrek shouted.
Shrek aimed a blow at Grisly, but the dwarf was more quick that he had imagined. So, instead of hitting Grisly, he just simply destroyed the casket.
"Wow, wee!" Shrek said, "The stench of the dead guy who was in there is enough to kill an Ogre!"
"We haven't noticed!" everyone replied, still fighting, but now with one hand on their noses.
Leggy fired another arrow at Shrek.
"OW! Why am I always getting hit with, even ones that aren't aimed at me!"
"Because, you're a big target." Leggy answered.
"Why you little." Shrek yelled in anger as he pursued Leggy into a corner.
"I have you now!" Shrek said, lunging at Leggy.
"Leggy jumped out of the way, just the last moment. This caused Shrek to fly right into a wall and it knocked him out, momentarily.
"Shrek's down gals, this isn't looking too god for us." A fangirl said.
"Uh." Shrek moaned as he picked himself up.
Fiona, Peepin, and Dork were hiding behind the pillars and were going from pillar to pillar. Shrek's hand happened to be coming down right in front of the pillar they were trying to get to. Fiona ducked and managed to get behind it. Whereas Dork and Peepin had to retreat back to the one they previously were hiding behind.
"Hey! There's somebody behind here." Shrek said aloud and looked around to the other side of the one Fiona was behind. She ran around the corner so he couldn't see her.
"Oh, come on, I'm not going to hurt you." He said. He knew someone was back there.
He went around and looked at the other side, and Fiona ran around the corner where he couldn't see her, again.
Shrek seemingly left, and Fiona returned to her. She breathed sigh of relief. Suddenly, he quickly peeked around the corner and saw her.
"Ah, ha. I knew someone was back!" he said, "Who are you?"
"Arrogant!" she cried for help as she attempted to ran past him.
"Wait a tick." He said, blocking her path with his hand.
She stabbed at it, and he with drew his hand.
"Arrogant? That's weird name for a girl to have." He said.
"Ya!" Arrongant cried as he lunged at Shrek with a long spear that we haven't seen before.
Shrek spun around just in to get a spear in his gut.
"OW!" he said, batting Arrogant away. He knocked Arrogant into the wall, knocking him out, "That hurt!"
Fiona ran to Arrogant's side, and tried to awaken him, but he was unreachable at the moment.
"Now, what's the meaning of all this?" Shrek asked, coming up behind Fiona, "What are doing in my caves?"
"Our caves!" Donkey corrected.
"Right, our caves." Shrek replied, rolling his eyes.
She stabbed his hand and tried to past him again.
He tripped and the blade of the came down on Fiona.
She gasped dramatically before passing out.
"OOP!" Shrek asaid.
Dork and Peepin, enraged by seeing Fiona stabbed to seemingly death, jumped on Shrek's back, and began stabbing him.
"Hey! OW! OW!" he yelled at them, "Back off of my back! OW!"
Someone else attacked him from behind. He turned to see a wizard and a dwarf, stabbing at him.
"Now, stop that!" he said, batting them away, "That's not very nice."
Leggy aimed his arrow at Shrek.
"Wait!" Arrogant called, "You can't kill Shrek."
"Why out." Leggy asked.
"Because, if we do, our author, Drew L., will get flames!" Arrogant answered.
"By Joe! You're right!" Leggy replied. He took out at sleeping-potion tipped arrow, "There, will this make reviews happy?"
"Whatever it takes." Arrogant replied.
He fired the arrow, right into Shrek's left buttcheek.
"Whoa! I'm feeling weird." Shrek said, "I think I'll sit down."
With that, Shrek fell on his back.
"Uh, oh. He fell on Dork and Peepin." Grisly said.
"Mmmm, NNnnn!" two voices cried out from under Shrek.
"I'll pull them out." Arrogant said, "The rest of you see Fiona."
Goondolt turned Fiona over and saw she was still alive.
"You should be dead." Goondolt told her, "That spear would've gored a stupid, purple, dancing dinosaur, and it should have."
"I'm okay, I'm not hurt." Fiona said, opening her shirt to reveal the Anti-Dramacit Death Vest that she kept under it.
"Okay, got them." Arrogant called, "We better get going, he's starting to wake up."
"Quickly, to the Bridge of Constant Gloom." Goondolt said.
They ran out of the tomb, and into the huge pillar-filled cavern, again. The screams of joy the fangirls could be heard, coming from behind as they were pursued.
Soon, the fangirls were uncountable in numbers as they climbed out of the cracks and other entrances to the cavern.
"Hurry, they are almost upon us!" Leggy shouted as they ran.
"Leggy, don't go!" some of the fangirls cried.
"Arrogant!" others cried.
"We're almost there!" Goondolt shouted as they neared the exit to the cavern. Hope filled the hearts of the Fools they drew nearer.
That hope was shattered when a whole mess of fangirls blocked their path. The Fools turned to run the other way, but they were surrounded.
"We're doomed!" Boredom shouted, and started to cry.
"AAArrrgh! You'll never take me!" Grisly roared.
The fangirls, horrified by the ugliness of Grisly's face, fled in terror.
"Ha! Ha! That'll teach them!" Grisly said, triumphantly.
"We're safe." Goondolt said.
Suddenly, a roar was heard in the cavern, and a light shown from the other side of it.
"Me and my big mouth." Goondolt groaned.
"What is this new devilry?" Boredom asked as it drew closer.
"A Ranerog." Goondolt answered, "A demon straight from Hell. I have met my match with this foe."
"RUN!!" Goondolt ordered, and led the way the exit. He stopped and made sure everyone was out before he actually left.
Boredom ran backwards to make the Ranerog was not near.
"Uh, Borry." Leggy said, pointing.
"What?' Boredom asked, not turning around. He tripped and started to fall into the abyss below.
Leggy grabbed him the shirt and tried to pull him up.
"Hurry and get me up, you Fool of a Elf!" Boredom shouted.
"I would if you were lighter." Leggy answered.
Leggy gave it one more shot and pulled Boredom. Moredom fell forward and onto the Elf.
"OOF!" Leggy said as he felt the air leave his body, "Get off me, and tube of lard!"
"I'm wearing armor, that's why I'm so heavy." Boredom replied.
"I don't care what it is. Just get off me!" Leggy shouted.
They got and up and saw the rest of the Fools, standing there, watching them with smiles on their faces.
"You looked pretty sweet to me, when you two were romantically entangled." Dork teased.
"This never happened, tell no one." Leggy said, through gritted teeth.
"Whatever." Peepin replied, grinning.
With that, they continued on their way. They entered the chamber of staircases, as I like to call it.
"Holy cow!" Leggy mused, "This place would fail a Safety Inspection any day of the week."
They started down the stairs, and everyone wondered, 'Do mimes believe in railings?'.
They came to an inch long crack in the staircase, Leggy ran right across.
He turned around when he didn't hear any other feet following him. They were all cowering on the other side of the crack.
"Um.guys." He asked.
Goondolt was the first to work up enough courage for the leap.
He leaped dramatically in the air and landed on the other side.
Keys landed on the staircase, just on front of the others. They looked to see fangirls throwing them their house keys.
"Dork, Peepin!" Boredom shouted, and jumped across the inch long gap.
"Stan." Arrogant called to the Hobbiraptor, and threw him across.
Arrogant turned to throw Grisly across.
"Nobody, but the English passes a dwarf." He declared, and leaped,a cross. Now, dwarves have very, VERY, bad aim when it comes to leaping from one place to another.
He jumped off to the side and would've gone into the depths below if Leggy (like we're surprised at this point that he has to do everything for these people) hadn't caught him.
Fiona and Arrogant are the only ones left across, and suddenly, the Ranerog causes things to fell and it made the crack bigger, and causing it to stand to break apart.
"You know, if you had just run across, this could've been avoided." Leggy pointed out to the group.
"Shut that gap was an entire inch wide!" Goondolt retorted.
"Goondolt! Use your magic to get us out of this mess." Arrogant called from the other side.
"No. I would much rather just stand here and look worried." Goondolt replied.
"Please, we'll give you a cookie." Fiona called.
"I thought Stan and Peepin ate all of our food?" Goondolt replied.
"No. I managed to save one cookie, and it's yours' if you just help us."
"Okay." With that, Goondolt aimed his magic staff at the piece of breaking staircase.
He drew it nearer and nearer.
"Come on." Leggy said, with his foot in a bed spot for an incoming staircase.
"Leggy, you might want to move your foot." Stan pointed to out to Leggy.
"Oh, yeah. Thanks."
Fiona and Arrogant got close enough to jump and actually did. They amazingly didn't hesitate.
Leggy and Boredom caught them.
The Fools ran down the staircase right away after this.
"Stupid Alan Lee! Peter Jackson was just going to have one camera shot of us going down the stairs until one of his model makers made a gap for us to stop behind!" Goondolt shouted. (I didn't make the events behind that last remark up.)
The bridge came into view.
"Who was this place resigned for?" Leggy asked upon seeing it, "Circus acrobats?"
"KA-BOOM!!" a loud noise was heard as one of the walls collapsed and the Ranerog came through it.
"FLY!" Goondolt yelled to the others.
"We can only run, unless you turn us into flying-monkeys." Fiona answered.
"Okay, RUN!" he shouted.
They ran from the Ranerog.
The bridge itself was only about two feet wide, and a hundred feet long.
The Fools ran across and didn't stop until they were right at the exit, there they turned around, and noticed for the first time Goondolt was not following them.
Goondolt had stopped halfway across the bridge, and was facing the Ranerog alone.
"You cannot pass!" he declared to the vile thing.
It defiantly stepped onto the dridge.
"I, WILL, TEACH, YOU, TO, DEFY, ME!!!!!!" Goondolt and slammed his staff down on the bridge.
The Ranerog stepped back in surprise, and amazingly, didn't hear the bridge cracking the way the entire audience was able to. It stepped onto the bridge again.
The bridge collapsed under it, and with a scream the Ranerog fell.
"There, nothing to worry about now." Goondolt declared, the entire movie audinence said to him, "Don't turn around, don't turn around."
He turns around and the Ranerog's whip flew up and grabbed his leg.
"Doh!" he yelled as he was dragged off the bridge.
Fiona started to run towards him.
"No! No!" Boredom shouted as he grabbed her.
Goondolt looked at the Fools one final time and said, "Run! You dumb bastards!"
With that, he fell into the darkness.
"NO!" Fiona cried,a s Boredom dragged her away.
Boredom noticed that Arrogant was standing there, frazen in his footsteps.
"ARROGANT!" he called to the ranger.
Arrogant didn't respond.
Boredom carried Fiona out of the mountain.
Arrogant still stood there.
Boredom came running back, "For pities sake, come on!" he yelled and grabbed Arrogant by the arm.
"No! He's coming back, you'll see." Arrogant said.
"Man, you have no idea what your saying, he's not coming, not in this book." Boredom told him.
"Okay, I'll go." Arrogant replied, and let himself be dragged out by Boredom.
They all come out of the rear exit and collapsed in dispair.
"Now," Arrogant said, "Boredom and I switch personalities for moment. We must move on!"
"Oh, give them a moment, for pities sake."
"In a very few minutes, these hills will be swarming with fangirls." Srrogant said, "We must reach the woods of Sloth Larden."
"On your feet, Stan-Dumb." Arrogant said, picking Stan up and setting him on his feet.
Peepin was crying with his Dork trying to comfort him.
"Its okay, Peepin. It was all your fault." Dork told him.
"Fiona? Fiona?" Arrogant called to the Embryo bearer, "Geez, we might as well make a 'Losing Fiona' club."
Fiona turned around to look at him, and let one tear go down her. Too bad the audience was already effected as much as they were by Goondolt's 'death'.
TO BE CONTINUED.WHAT DANGERS WILL THE FOOLS FIND IN SLUTH LARDEN, AND WILL THE AUTHOR MANAGE TO COME UP WTH ORIGINAL MATRIEL? FIND OUT ON CHAPTER NINE!
Marcel Marco's Tomb and the Bridge of Constant Gloom
"We must now face the long dark of Moria." Goondolt told the Fools, "Be on your guard, it is a week long journey to the other side, and it may be hard to imagine, but there are older, fouler things than fangirls, in the deep places of the world. Let us hope that our presence will go unnoticed."
"At least I don't have to worry about fangirls." Fiona said, confidently.
"Don't sound so confident, they take no female prisoners. Just pretty boys like Arrogant and Leggy." Grisly replied.
"Yes, that's why I'm not worried." Fiona said.
"They will kill anyone who is not handsome to them." The dwarf finished, "I know the type. I have fought in wars against them. Poor Calin, he was ugly, but that was merciful compared to what happened to Howard Handsome."
"Okay, now I'm worried." Fiona said, worriedly.
A new fear embodies itself in the Fellowship as they continued on their journey.
The caverns of Moria seemed to go on and on. Just like the movie, 'Titanic'. Even with Goondolt's glowing staff, they could see no end to it all.
"Did I mention to anyone that I am very clostri, or chlustri.afraid of enclosed spaces?" Peepin asked.
"Oh, great." Arrogant muttered.
"I mean, I'm not too nervous or anything, butt.oh, what the heck! HELP! The walls are closing in on me! Aaaaaugh!" Peepin screamed.
Four hours later, they managed to calm him down.
"Oh, sorry guys. It seemed that those darned walls were closing in on me." Paapin said.
"Yes, you couldn't have made it anymore obvious with your girly shrieking." Dork said.
"I don't shriek like a girl." Peepin said.
"Want a bet?" Dork asked.
They set off again and continued wondering the dark halls, long and hard. Through the caverns, the tunnel led to a staircase that seemed to go on forever. Until, it came to an intersection with three different tunnels. Two of which lead right into the clutches of rabid fangirls, only one lead to safety.
Goondolt looked around and still had no idea of which was way they should choose.
"I have no memory of this place." Goondolt said the others.
Hours later, Goondolt still sat there thinking.
"Dork, I think I'm about to have another episode." Peepin told his friend.
"Shut up." Dork replied, knocking Peepin out.
Fiona sat there, thinking about they would escape if any fangirls caught them. And also pondered what Grisly meant when he death was merciful to anyone who was caught by a fangirl.
She happened to be looking back, saw little creature that resembles something you might have a hard time passing something through your system.
She ran up to Goondolt.
"There's something down there." She told him.
"It is Gallstone." Goondolt replied, "I considered doing the sensibly thing of telling the rest of your that we were being followed by an enemy, but then thought, 'what the heck'."
"Gallstone, he escaped the dungeons of Badguy?" Fiona asked.
"Escaped?" Goondolt asked, "He was tagged and set loose in his natural environment."
"The life of Slimey is a tragic tale." Goondolt told Fiona, "Yes, Slimey, he was once called, before the Embryo found him, before it dove off the deep end. And now he hates and loves the Embryo, as he is addicted to himself. He will never be rid of his need for it."
"It's a pity Aunt Red didn't snuff him when she had the chance." Fiona said.
"Pity? Now, let me explain the obvious facts of life, Fiona." Goondolt said, "Many that get off live (like say, O.J. Simpson) don't deserve to. And that die (like say, James Dean) deserve life. Can you give it to them, Fiona?"
A look of realization crossed Fiona's face.
"Do not be so eager to deal out death and stupid juries. My script tells me that Gallstone has some part to play, yet. The pity of Raptor Red may rule the fate of many, most notably, right the last minute of this thousand page saga."
Fiona sat down, and said, "I wish the Embryo had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened."
"So do all who live in fantasy sagas that have been written since "The Lord of the Rings", and are filled with suspiciously, Sauron-like villains, but that is not for them to decide." Goondolt replied, "All we have to do is decide what to do with the time the author gives us."
Fiona listened intently to these wise words.
"There are other forces at work in this tale, besides the will of evil, there not easy to in this one, but they're there. Raptor Red was meant to find the Embryo, in which case you also were meant to have it, and that is an encouraging thought to everyone except you."
Suddenly, Goondolt smelled something familiar.
"Oh, its that way."
"He's remembered." Dork said.
"No, but I can smell the cooking of a restaurant located just at the rear exit of the mountain. When in doubt, Dorkeodoc, always follow your nase." Goondolt replied.
Goondolt led them down the tunnel where the welcoming scent was coming from.
When they reached the end of the tunnel, they found themselves in a gigantic cavern.
"Let me risk a little more light." Goondolt said aloud.
The staff shined brighter and some of the cavern was revealed.
"Behold! The great realm of the Mime city of Silencolot." Gondolt announced to the Fools.
They continued on their way, following the smell of fastfood.
As they walked on, Grisly noticed a chamber that was off to the side. As he got closer to it, the purpose of the chamber became clear. It was a tomb.
"Ah!" Grisly cried out as solfly as can be expected of a dwarf, and ran in the direction of it.
"Grisly!" Goondolt called after him.
Grisly payed no heed as he ran to the chamber. He entered the tomb and saw the inscription on the casket.
"No. No." he said, grief stricken.
The other Fools entered.
Goondolt looked at what the inscription said.
"Here lies Marcel Marco, Lord of the Mimes." Goondolt read aloud.
"He is dead, just as I feared." Goondolt added.
"Um, what is Grisly doing?" Peepin asked.
"I'm miming a funeral prayer, its what he would've wanted." Grisly answered.
Goondolt reached for a book that was conveniently placed in the hands of a mime-corpse that propped against the casket.
"Oh, sick!" Dork said, "You're actually going to touch something a rotting corpse has been crutching?"
"Yes, and I do have to thank for making me look at what I'm about to do in a new light where my gag-reflex is put into use." Goondolt replied.
Goondolt picked up the book after putting on some rubber-gloves, and started to read it aloud:
"We have barred the gates, but cannot hold them for long. They have taken the bridge, and the second hall. Giggles, giggles in the deep. We cannot get out. The shadow moves in the dark. We cannot get out. They are coming!"
Just then, Peepin wondered up to a dead guy that was barely balanced on the edge of a well. He had an arrow sticking out of him, it had the words, "Don't turn me!" on it.
Peepin turned the arrow.
"Crash!" the dead-body went as it fell to the bottem of the lake.
The others whirled around in surprise.
The crashing continued.
"Took o a Fool!" Goondolt said, sternly, "Next time, throw yourself in, and rid of your stupidity."
He snatched his hat and staff away from Peepin.
"Hee, hee, hee!" a giggle was heard in the deepness of the well.
The giggles became louder, and louder, and nearer.
"They are coming!" Goondolt said, anxiety heard in his voice.
"Fiona!" Stan said, "our sword."
Fiona pulled her sword out of its scabbard just enough to see the blade. It was glowing blue, which meant the fangirls were close!
Boredom ran up to the door to see if they were coming yet. Two arrows with love letters on them hit the door right next to Boredom's face.
"Get back!" Arrogant shouted, "And stay close to Goondolt!"
The two men pulled the doors shut.
"They have Shrek with them!" Boredom shouted to the others.
Leggy tossed Boredom and Arrogant some axes to bar the door with.
Everyone got back from the door and took out their weapons. Leggy and Arrogant aimed their arrows at the door.
Grisly jumped up on the tomb and shouted: "Let them come! I am one dwarf they'll never take alive!"
The fangirls crowded at the door, their squeals could be heard from other side. They managed to make a hole in the door: big mistake.
One fan girl looked in through the hole to see who was in there. When she saw her favorite characters, she squealed: "Oh, my gosh, Leggy, Arrogant, Boredom, Peepin, and Dork are in there!"
The other girls joined in the cheering and with renewed determination, started pushing on the door.
Leggy took a shot at the door.
"Hey! No fair, they have arrow-thingies, too!" a voice said from the other side of the door.
The door finally give in and opened.
The fangirls paused a moment to get a good look at their heroes, then put their hands to their cheeks and squealed in delight, and charged forward.
Arrogant and Leggy were able to kill four before they even got to them. The fangirls weren't disheartened by this and kept coming. Sword and shield met lip and hairdryer.
Fiona, Stan, Dork, and Peepin charged forward with Goondolt.
(Now, when I wrote sword and shield met lib and hairdryer, I didn't mean the Arrogant, Leggy, Boredom, and Grisly were hacking the fangirls to pieces, they were just hitting them with the flat of their weapons just to knock them out. Fangirls are, after all, just teenage girls with mothers that would become the real threat if their daughters were killed.)
Arrogant hit another with the flat of his blade, then another, then another.
"Back, vile libs!" Boredom cried as he knocked another fangirl back with his shield.
Arrogant paused upon a loud, pounding sound.
Shrek came in following a fangirl.
"Now, what's this you're telling me about mean boys that hit girls?" he asked the one that led him in.
'Them." The fangirl said, pointing to the Fellow.
Shrek looked over just as Arrogant hit another.
"Now that's not very nice. Nobody hits a girl in my caverns." Shrek said, stepping toward Arrogant.
"You mean, 'our caverns'." A voice yelled from outside.
"Go away, Donkey. I have some butt to kick." Shrek called back.
With that, Shrek started towards the heroes. Leggy shot an arrow at him.
"OW!" Shrek yelped, "Okay, you asked for it, Elf boy!"
Shrek lunged towards Leggy, and was totally oblivious to the fact that Stan had to duck under him in order to being stepped on.
Grisly tossed one of his throwing axes at Shrek, and hit him.
"OW! Okay, you just invited me to take out a can of whoop-ass, pal!" Shrek shouted.
Shrek aimed a blow at Grisly, but the dwarf was more quick that he had imagined. So, instead of hitting Grisly, he just simply destroyed the casket.
"Wow, wee!" Shrek said, "The stench of the dead guy who was in there is enough to kill an Ogre!"
"We haven't noticed!" everyone replied, still fighting, but now with one hand on their noses.
Leggy fired another arrow at Shrek.
"OW! Why am I always getting hit with, even ones that aren't aimed at me!"
"Because, you're a big target." Leggy answered.
"Why you little." Shrek yelled in anger as he pursued Leggy into a corner.
"I have you now!" Shrek said, lunging at Leggy.
"Leggy jumped out of the way, just the last moment. This caused Shrek to fly right into a wall and it knocked him out, momentarily.
"Shrek's down gals, this isn't looking too god for us." A fangirl said.
"Uh." Shrek moaned as he picked himself up.
Fiona, Peepin, and Dork were hiding behind the pillars and were going from pillar to pillar. Shrek's hand happened to be coming down right in front of the pillar they were trying to get to. Fiona ducked and managed to get behind it. Whereas Dork and Peepin had to retreat back to the one they previously were hiding behind.
"Hey! There's somebody behind here." Shrek said aloud and looked around to the other side of the one Fiona was behind. She ran around the corner so he couldn't see her.
"Oh, come on, I'm not going to hurt you." He said. He knew someone was back there.
He went around and looked at the other side, and Fiona ran around the corner where he couldn't see her, again.
Shrek seemingly left, and Fiona returned to her. She breathed sigh of relief. Suddenly, he quickly peeked around the corner and saw her.
"Ah, ha. I knew someone was back!" he said, "Who are you?"
"Arrogant!" she cried for help as she attempted to ran past him.
"Wait a tick." He said, blocking her path with his hand.
She stabbed at it, and he with drew his hand.
"Arrogant? That's weird name for a girl to have." He said.
"Ya!" Arrongant cried as he lunged at Shrek with a long spear that we haven't seen before.
Shrek spun around just in to get a spear in his gut.
"OW!" he said, batting Arrogant away. He knocked Arrogant into the wall, knocking him out, "That hurt!"
Fiona ran to Arrogant's side, and tried to awaken him, but he was unreachable at the moment.
"Now, what's the meaning of all this?" Shrek asked, coming up behind Fiona, "What are doing in my caves?"
"Our caves!" Donkey corrected.
"Right, our caves." Shrek replied, rolling his eyes.
She stabbed his hand and tried to past him again.
He tripped and the blade of the came down on Fiona.
She gasped dramatically before passing out.
"OOP!" Shrek asaid.
Dork and Peepin, enraged by seeing Fiona stabbed to seemingly death, jumped on Shrek's back, and began stabbing him.
"Hey! OW! OW!" he yelled at them, "Back off of my back! OW!"
Someone else attacked him from behind. He turned to see a wizard and a dwarf, stabbing at him.
"Now, stop that!" he said, batting them away, "That's not very nice."
Leggy aimed his arrow at Shrek.
"Wait!" Arrogant called, "You can't kill Shrek."
"Why out." Leggy asked.
"Because, if we do, our author, Drew L., will get flames!" Arrogant answered.
"By Joe! You're right!" Leggy replied. He took out at sleeping-potion tipped arrow, "There, will this make reviews happy?"
"Whatever it takes." Arrogant replied.
He fired the arrow, right into Shrek's left buttcheek.
"Whoa! I'm feeling weird." Shrek said, "I think I'll sit down."
With that, Shrek fell on his back.
"Uh, oh. He fell on Dork and Peepin." Grisly said.
"Mmmm, NNnnn!" two voices cried out from under Shrek.
"I'll pull them out." Arrogant said, "The rest of you see Fiona."
Goondolt turned Fiona over and saw she was still alive.
"You should be dead." Goondolt told her, "That spear would've gored a stupid, purple, dancing dinosaur, and it should have."
"I'm okay, I'm not hurt." Fiona said, opening her shirt to reveal the Anti-Dramacit Death Vest that she kept under it.
"Okay, got them." Arrogant called, "We better get going, he's starting to wake up."
"Quickly, to the Bridge of Constant Gloom." Goondolt said.
They ran out of the tomb, and into the huge pillar-filled cavern, again. The screams of joy the fangirls could be heard, coming from behind as they were pursued.
Soon, the fangirls were uncountable in numbers as they climbed out of the cracks and other entrances to the cavern.
"Hurry, they are almost upon us!" Leggy shouted as they ran.
"Leggy, don't go!" some of the fangirls cried.
"Arrogant!" others cried.
"We're almost there!" Goondolt shouted as they neared the exit to the cavern. Hope filled the hearts of the Fools they drew nearer.
That hope was shattered when a whole mess of fangirls blocked their path. The Fools turned to run the other way, but they were surrounded.
"We're doomed!" Boredom shouted, and started to cry.
"AAArrrgh! You'll never take me!" Grisly roared.
The fangirls, horrified by the ugliness of Grisly's face, fled in terror.
"Ha! Ha! That'll teach them!" Grisly said, triumphantly.
"We're safe." Goondolt said.
Suddenly, a roar was heard in the cavern, and a light shown from the other side of it.
"Me and my big mouth." Goondolt groaned.
"What is this new devilry?" Boredom asked as it drew closer.
"A Ranerog." Goondolt answered, "A demon straight from Hell. I have met my match with this foe."
"RUN!!" Goondolt ordered, and led the way the exit. He stopped and made sure everyone was out before he actually left.
Boredom ran backwards to make the Ranerog was not near.
"Uh, Borry." Leggy said, pointing.
"What?' Boredom asked, not turning around. He tripped and started to fall into the abyss below.
Leggy grabbed him the shirt and tried to pull him up.
"Hurry and get me up, you Fool of a Elf!" Boredom shouted.
"I would if you were lighter." Leggy answered.
Leggy gave it one more shot and pulled Boredom. Moredom fell forward and onto the Elf.
"OOF!" Leggy said as he felt the air leave his body, "Get off me, and tube of lard!"
"I'm wearing armor, that's why I'm so heavy." Boredom replied.
"I don't care what it is. Just get off me!" Leggy shouted.
They got and up and saw the rest of the Fools, standing there, watching them with smiles on their faces.
"You looked pretty sweet to me, when you two were romantically entangled." Dork teased.
"This never happened, tell no one." Leggy said, through gritted teeth.
"Whatever." Peepin replied, grinning.
With that, they continued on their way. They entered the chamber of staircases, as I like to call it.
"Holy cow!" Leggy mused, "This place would fail a Safety Inspection any day of the week."
They started down the stairs, and everyone wondered, 'Do mimes believe in railings?'.
They came to an inch long crack in the staircase, Leggy ran right across.
He turned around when he didn't hear any other feet following him. They were all cowering on the other side of the crack.
"Um.guys." He asked.
Goondolt was the first to work up enough courage for the leap.
He leaped dramatically in the air and landed on the other side.
Keys landed on the staircase, just on front of the others. They looked to see fangirls throwing them their house keys.
"Dork, Peepin!" Boredom shouted, and jumped across the inch long gap.
"Stan." Arrogant called to the Hobbiraptor, and threw him across.
Arrogant turned to throw Grisly across.
"Nobody, but the English passes a dwarf." He declared, and leaped,a cross. Now, dwarves have very, VERY, bad aim when it comes to leaping from one place to another.
He jumped off to the side and would've gone into the depths below if Leggy (like we're surprised at this point that he has to do everything for these people) hadn't caught him.
Fiona and Arrogant are the only ones left across, and suddenly, the Ranerog causes things to fell and it made the crack bigger, and causing it to stand to break apart.
"You know, if you had just run across, this could've been avoided." Leggy pointed out to the group.
"Shut that gap was an entire inch wide!" Goondolt retorted.
"Goondolt! Use your magic to get us out of this mess." Arrogant called from the other side.
"No. I would much rather just stand here and look worried." Goondolt replied.
"Please, we'll give you a cookie." Fiona called.
"I thought Stan and Peepin ate all of our food?" Goondolt replied.
"No. I managed to save one cookie, and it's yours' if you just help us."
"Okay." With that, Goondolt aimed his magic staff at the piece of breaking staircase.
He drew it nearer and nearer.
"Come on." Leggy said, with his foot in a bed spot for an incoming staircase.
"Leggy, you might want to move your foot." Stan pointed to out to Leggy.
"Oh, yeah. Thanks."
Fiona and Arrogant got close enough to jump and actually did. They amazingly didn't hesitate.
Leggy and Boredom caught them.
The Fools ran down the staircase right away after this.
"Stupid Alan Lee! Peter Jackson was just going to have one camera shot of us going down the stairs until one of his model makers made a gap for us to stop behind!" Goondolt shouted. (I didn't make the events behind that last remark up.)
The bridge came into view.
"Who was this place resigned for?" Leggy asked upon seeing it, "Circus acrobats?"
"KA-BOOM!!" a loud noise was heard as one of the walls collapsed and the Ranerog came through it.
"FLY!" Goondolt yelled to the others.
"We can only run, unless you turn us into flying-monkeys." Fiona answered.
"Okay, RUN!" he shouted.
They ran from the Ranerog.
The bridge itself was only about two feet wide, and a hundred feet long.
The Fools ran across and didn't stop until they were right at the exit, there they turned around, and noticed for the first time Goondolt was not following them.
Goondolt had stopped halfway across the bridge, and was facing the Ranerog alone.
"You cannot pass!" he declared to the vile thing.
It defiantly stepped onto the dridge.
"I, WILL, TEACH, YOU, TO, DEFY, ME!!!!!!" Goondolt and slammed his staff down on the bridge.
The Ranerog stepped back in surprise, and amazingly, didn't hear the bridge cracking the way the entire audience was able to. It stepped onto the bridge again.
The bridge collapsed under it, and with a scream the Ranerog fell.
"There, nothing to worry about now." Goondolt declared, the entire movie audinence said to him, "Don't turn around, don't turn around."
He turns around and the Ranerog's whip flew up and grabbed his leg.
"Doh!" he yelled as he was dragged off the bridge.
Fiona started to run towards him.
"No! No!" Boredom shouted as he grabbed her.
Goondolt looked at the Fools one final time and said, "Run! You dumb bastards!"
With that, he fell into the darkness.
"NO!" Fiona cried,a s Boredom dragged her away.
Boredom noticed that Arrogant was standing there, frazen in his footsteps.
"ARROGANT!" he called to the ranger.
Arrogant didn't respond.
Boredom carried Fiona out of the mountain.
Arrogant still stood there.
Boredom came running back, "For pities sake, come on!" he yelled and grabbed Arrogant by the arm.
"No! He's coming back, you'll see." Arrogant said.
"Man, you have no idea what your saying, he's not coming, not in this book." Boredom told him.
"Okay, I'll go." Arrogant replied, and let himself be dragged out by Boredom.
They all come out of the rear exit and collapsed in dispair.
"Now," Arrogant said, "Boredom and I switch personalities for moment. We must move on!"
"Oh, give them a moment, for pities sake."
"In a very few minutes, these hills will be swarming with fangirls." Srrogant said, "We must reach the woods of Sloth Larden."
"On your feet, Stan-Dumb." Arrogant said, picking Stan up and setting him on his feet.
Peepin was crying with his Dork trying to comfort him.
"Its okay, Peepin. It was all your fault." Dork told him.
"Fiona? Fiona?" Arrogant called to the Embryo bearer, "Geez, we might as well make a 'Losing Fiona' club."
Fiona turned around to look at him, and let one tear go down her. Too bad the audience was already effected as much as they were by Goondolt's 'death'.
TO BE CONTINUED.WHAT DANGERS WILL THE FOOLS FIND IN SLUTH LARDEN, AND WILL THE AUTHOR MANAGE TO COME UP WTH ORIGINAL MATRIEL? FIND OUT ON CHAPTER NINE!
