CHAPTER THIRTEEN
THE SEPARATING OF IDIOTS AND A FAIRWELL TO BOREDOM
The water was quiet and cold. As they rowed along, Leggy began to sense that something was amiss, aside from the fact that the boat was almost at water-level due to Grisly's contribution to the weight it carried, and that Boredom grumbled to himself, then would suddenly row right up behind Arrogant's boat, then back off.
They came to a canyon.
"Fiona, look, the Somethings." Arrogant said, tapping Fiona on the shoulder and gesturing to two stone statues that stood on either side of the river.
"They are replicas of my ancesters: Jeff Foxworthy, and his son, Isiodor." He added.
"I'm almost home." Boredom mused, then smiled evilly, "Yes, almost home, MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!"
Dork and Peepin decided that they were definitely not staying in the same boat as Boredom for the rest of the journey.
"We'll set the boats ashore over their." Arrogant said, seeing a beach. Their were signs marked with words that said, "Warning. These are Fangirl and Critic-infested Shores."
"I have a bad felling about this." Leggy said.
"You say about everyplace we go." Grisly said.
"Yes, and I'm usually right." Leggy replied.
They set ashore and unloaded their stuff.
Fiona walks into the woods, nobody notices, aside from Boredom, who follows her. These guys might as well start a 'Losing the Embryo-Bearer Club'.
"We'll hide the boats, and approach Biosyn from the North." Arrogant announced.
"Oh, yes, just a simple matter of finding our way through Jareth's Labrinth." Grisly said, "And after that, it gets even better, a nasty trip through Tommy Chong's backyard."
"That is our road." Arrogant said, firmly, "You had rest and recover your strength, Master Dwarf."
"My vote is Condor." Peepin said.
"Oh, God, now there are two of them." Arrogant said, exasperated.
Leggy walked up to him and said, "We should leave now."
"No, Fangirls patrol the Eastern shore, we must wait for cover of darkness." Arrogant said.
"It is not the fangirls that worry me, there is a disturbance in the farce, a shadow and a threat has been growing in my mind. Something comes nearer, I can feel it." Leggy continued.
"For once, I think you're right." Arrogant said.
"Hey, where's Fiona?" Dork asked.
"What?" Arrogant said, looking around, "That's it, I'm getting a tracking collar for that turkey."
"Um, she's a Hobbiraptor." Peepin said.
"What a Fool." Dork said.
Fiona walked up the steps of some Numinorian thingy, moping, as usual.
"None of us should mope alone." Boredom said, carrying a truckload of sticks for the fire, "Since so much depends on you. Fiona?" he sais, taking notice of her trying to walk away from him.
"I know you suffer, I can see it day by day. Are you sure you don't suffer needlessly." Boredom said.
Fiona looked at him, questioningly.
"There are other ways, Fiona, other paths to that have already been traveled by many, and hey, they all either died, or go around gurgling, "Preciousss." Boredom explained.
"The entire audience and I know what you would say, and it seem as dumb as it actually is."
"Dumb, why. We're all afraid of what Peepin might do, but we can't let that fear drive us to destroy what hope we have. Can't you see that is madness?"
"I'm not sure I follow your logic." Fiona said, trying to see where that could add up to one plus one.
"I ask only for the strength to defend a city that almost puts New York to shame in size!" he said, dramatically throwing the sticks to the ground.
"If you would lend me the rights to the Embryo." he said.
"No." she said.
"What chance do you think you have, despite their incompetence, they will find you. They will buy out the rights to the Embryo, and you will beg for parley before the end!" he shouted.
Fiona turned her back on him and started to walk away, as usual, everything she does explodes in her face.
"Come back, I'll infringe the copyrights if I have to!" he shouted.
Fiona began to run away from him, but she was caught, also as usual and much to the not surprised audience.
She activated the Embryo and vanished.
"How." Boredom started to ask when she vanished.
She caught him off guard and kicked him between the legs, then put him in a headlock.
"Say, uncle." She said.
"Uncle." Boredom wept.
With that, she ran off.
"I was pistil-whipped by a pipsqueak. That hurts my manliness." He wept some more, "Fiona, I'm sorry, don't tell anyone, okay."
She was far away by this time.
'Poor Boredom, he never knew he could be beat by a Hobbiraptor.' She thought as she ran.
"Fiona." A voice called.
"Oh, that's what I forgot to do." She said to herself, and deactivated the Embryo.
"Fiona?" the voice called, again, this time from behind.
She turned to see Arrogant standing behind her.
"He made me activate it, it took over Boredom." She said, quickly.
"Where is the Embryo?" he asked, sternly.
"Stay away!" she said, sensing that the Embryo was at work in him as well.
"Fiona, I swore to protect you." He said.
"Arrogant, I must go on to Biosyn alone." Fiona said.
"Uh." Arrogant replied.
"No, no. Stop it, no mushy good-byes, I must go." She said, beginning to walk away.
"Um.Fiona." He began to say.
"No. That's it, I mind is made up, I must go. Good-bye." She said, "Don't make this harder than it already is."
"I didn't say anything."
Stop it! You can't change my mind. Farewell, I hope to meet you again someday. I mean it, farewell." She added, then ran off, crying.
"Well, that was weird." He said.
"There's one of them now." A voice yelled.
Arrogant whirled around and saw the most horrible thing ever: Critics!!!!!
He drew out his sword.
He sounded his battlecry, "Foxworthy!"
"Foxworthy, now there's a guy who tells dry and unfunny jokes." One critic said.
"Yes, I agree, he thinks that's he's funny outside of the Redneck community, but he's." another one started.
"Stop it!" Arrogant cried and changed at them.
They came at him, with negative review upon negative review, he slashed and punched at them and they fell. But more came.
Just as Arrogant's strength was about to give out, an arrow flew by his head, and he knew that help had arrived.
"The strength of the isolationist elves and dwarves comes to your aid." Leggy shouted as he did more cool bow and arrow tricks that make the female members of the audience faint.
"Prissy elf." Grisly said as he took one, then another critic down.
Meanwhile, Fiona was running, then tripped for the millionth time. She looked up and saw the critics coming. Not wanting to be reviewed, she hid behind a twig and waited for them to pass by.
"Hi, Fiona." They each said as they ran by.
"Fiona!" Dork hissed from his hiding place, "Hide here, come on."
She shook her said, and looked towards the critics to see when the next opportunity to escape came.
"What's she doing?" Peepin asked.
"She's leaving." Dork replied.
"No!" Peepin said, and jumped up and out of the hiding spot for reasons nobody will ever know.
"Peepin, you Fool!" Dork replied.
Dork looked up to see that the critics had spotted them.
He turned to Fiona and said, "Go, Fiona, run."
"Hey, over here. This way!" Dork and Peepin yelled to the critics.
"Do you think that they're leading us away from something?" one asked.
"That's impossible." Another replied.
"It's working!" Peepin, Stater of the Obvious, said as the critics chased them.
"No duh!" Dork replied.
The two Hobbiraptors ran until they that they were surrounded.
"Of all the rotten luck we've had so far, this is by far, the worst." Dork said.
Suddenly, when all hope was lost, Boredom charged in, with his sword drawn.
"In the name of all that can be farced!" he cried as killed one, then another critic.
From here, just picture the fight that ensues in the film, okay.
Roger Ebert walked up to where he could what was kicking the butts of his less than incompetent army.
"One against one hundred." Ebert mused, "When Sorehead made us, he must've crossed Orks with the French."
Then, he took out the most feared thing in all of Fiction-Earth, a Bad-Review Arrow. He fitted it into the bowstring of his bow and aimed for Boredom.
Boredom jumped away from the critics to get out of the fray, but ironically stepped out to where he was in clear shot of Ebert's arrows.
One, then another, then a third pierced him.
"AH! The bad reviews, too much to handle, save yourselves, Dork and Peepin." He gasped.
They made a run for it, but it was too late. They were captured and carried off.
Boredom suddenly saw two feet in front of him.
"Now wait a minute here, where there's feet, there's a body attached to it, usually." He thought to himself. Proud of his logic, he looked up to Ebert, standing over him, aiming another arrow.
Suddenly, Arrogant jumped out of nowhere and the two warriors fell to the ground.
Ebert and Arrogant's swords clashed.
After a bit of swordfighting, Arrogant sliced one of Eberts arms, but it had no effect.
"What the.you should be begging for death right now." Arrogant said, confused.
"What? This little cut?" Ebert said, gesturing to where his arm used to be, "I've been hurt worst than this before."
"Liar." Arrogant said, "Nobody gets hurts that bad and says that 'he was hurt worst before'."
Ebert charged him again, and got his other arm cut off.
"Well, that's that." Arrogant said, turning his back to Ebert.
'Whack!' Arrogant felt a sharp pain on the back of his left leg.
He whirled around to Ebert, still trying to fight him.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"Come on, big boy. Let's see what your made of." Ebert replied.
"You have no arms left." Arrogant exclaimed.
"So what." Ebert said, kicking him again.
"Now stop that!"
"Make me." Ebert replied.
"Very well." Arrogant said, and chopped Ebert's legs off.
Arrogant ran over to Boredom.
"Hey! Come back here and face me like a man, I'll bite your legs, you little crud-ball." Ebert yelled.
"They took the little ones." Boredom explained.
"Hold still." Arrogant told him.
"Fiona, where is Fiona?" Boredom asked.
"Well, we had a very strange discussion and she left." Arrogant replied.
"Then you did what I could not. I tried to take her up on her constant offering the Embryo to people." Boredom said, "Forgive me, did not know that the offer had expired."
"You fought bravely Boredom, you have kept your likableness amongst the audience-members." Arrogant said, starting to pull one of the arrows out.
"Leave it in. Game Over." Boredom said, "All will come to be monopolized by Biosyn, and the Free Corporations will be ruined."
"I don't know what strength is in my DNA, but I will not let Ingen fall, nor will our people fold."
"Our people, our people." Boredom whispered, "I would have followed you, my bro, my general, my King." Boredom said, then his slowly closed for the final time.
Arrogant felt a great pain in his heart, "Rest on Piece, Son of Detour." He said.
Just then, Leggy and Grisly showed up, and joined in the mourning of Boredom.
TO BE CONCLUDED.
THE SEPARATING OF IDIOTS AND A FAIRWELL TO BOREDOM
The water was quiet and cold. As they rowed along, Leggy began to sense that something was amiss, aside from the fact that the boat was almost at water-level due to Grisly's contribution to the weight it carried, and that Boredom grumbled to himself, then would suddenly row right up behind Arrogant's boat, then back off.
They came to a canyon.
"Fiona, look, the Somethings." Arrogant said, tapping Fiona on the shoulder and gesturing to two stone statues that stood on either side of the river.
"They are replicas of my ancesters: Jeff Foxworthy, and his son, Isiodor." He added.
"I'm almost home." Boredom mused, then smiled evilly, "Yes, almost home, MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!"
Dork and Peepin decided that they were definitely not staying in the same boat as Boredom for the rest of the journey.
"We'll set the boats ashore over their." Arrogant said, seeing a beach. Their were signs marked with words that said, "Warning. These are Fangirl and Critic-infested Shores."
"I have a bad felling about this." Leggy said.
"You say about everyplace we go." Grisly said.
"Yes, and I'm usually right." Leggy replied.
They set ashore and unloaded their stuff.
Fiona walks into the woods, nobody notices, aside from Boredom, who follows her. These guys might as well start a 'Losing the Embryo-Bearer Club'.
"We'll hide the boats, and approach Biosyn from the North." Arrogant announced.
"Oh, yes, just a simple matter of finding our way through Jareth's Labrinth." Grisly said, "And after that, it gets even better, a nasty trip through Tommy Chong's backyard."
"That is our road." Arrogant said, firmly, "You had rest and recover your strength, Master Dwarf."
"My vote is Condor." Peepin said.
"Oh, God, now there are two of them." Arrogant said, exasperated.
Leggy walked up to him and said, "We should leave now."
"No, Fangirls patrol the Eastern shore, we must wait for cover of darkness." Arrogant said.
"It is not the fangirls that worry me, there is a disturbance in the farce, a shadow and a threat has been growing in my mind. Something comes nearer, I can feel it." Leggy continued.
"For once, I think you're right." Arrogant said.
"Hey, where's Fiona?" Dork asked.
"What?" Arrogant said, looking around, "That's it, I'm getting a tracking collar for that turkey."
"Um, she's a Hobbiraptor." Peepin said.
"What a Fool." Dork said.
Fiona walked up the steps of some Numinorian thingy, moping, as usual.
"None of us should mope alone." Boredom said, carrying a truckload of sticks for the fire, "Since so much depends on you. Fiona?" he sais, taking notice of her trying to walk away from him.
"I know you suffer, I can see it day by day. Are you sure you don't suffer needlessly." Boredom said.
Fiona looked at him, questioningly.
"There are other ways, Fiona, other paths to that have already been traveled by many, and hey, they all either died, or go around gurgling, "Preciousss." Boredom explained.
"The entire audience and I know what you would say, and it seem as dumb as it actually is."
"Dumb, why. We're all afraid of what Peepin might do, but we can't let that fear drive us to destroy what hope we have. Can't you see that is madness?"
"I'm not sure I follow your logic." Fiona said, trying to see where that could add up to one plus one.
"I ask only for the strength to defend a city that almost puts New York to shame in size!" he said, dramatically throwing the sticks to the ground.
"If you would lend me the rights to the Embryo." he said.
"No." she said.
"What chance do you think you have, despite their incompetence, they will find you. They will buy out the rights to the Embryo, and you will beg for parley before the end!" he shouted.
Fiona turned her back on him and started to walk away, as usual, everything she does explodes in her face.
"Come back, I'll infringe the copyrights if I have to!" he shouted.
Fiona began to run away from him, but she was caught, also as usual and much to the not surprised audience.
She activated the Embryo and vanished.
"How." Boredom started to ask when she vanished.
She caught him off guard and kicked him between the legs, then put him in a headlock.
"Say, uncle." She said.
"Uncle." Boredom wept.
With that, she ran off.
"I was pistil-whipped by a pipsqueak. That hurts my manliness." He wept some more, "Fiona, I'm sorry, don't tell anyone, okay."
She was far away by this time.
'Poor Boredom, he never knew he could be beat by a Hobbiraptor.' She thought as she ran.
"Fiona." A voice called.
"Oh, that's what I forgot to do." She said to herself, and deactivated the Embryo.
"Fiona?" the voice called, again, this time from behind.
She turned to see Arrogant standing behind her.
"He made me activate it, it took over Boredom." She said, quickly.
"Where is the Embryo?" he asked, sternly.
"Stay away!" she said, sensing that the Embryo was at work in him as well.
"Fiona, I swore to protect you." He said.
"Arrogant, I must go on to Biosyn alone." Fiona said.
"Uh." Arrogant replied.
"No, no. Stop it, no mushy good-byes, I must go." She said, beginning to walk away.
"Um.Fiona." He began to say.
"No. That's it, I mind is made up, I must go. Good-bye." She said, "Don't make this harder than it already is."
"I didn't say anything."
Stop it! You can't change my mind. Farewell, I hope to meet you again someday. I mean it, farewell." She added, then ran off, crying.
"Well, that was weird." He said.
"There's one of them now." A voice yelled.
Arrogant whirled around and saw the most horrible thing ever: Critics!!!!!
He drew out his sword.
He sounded his battlecry, "Foxworthy!"
"Foxworthy, now there's a guy who tells dry and unfunny jokes." One critic said.
"Yes, I agree, he thinks that's he's funny outside of the Redneck community, but he's." another one started.
"Stop it!" Arrogant cried and changed at them.
They came at him, with negative review upon negative review, he slashed and punched at them and they fell. But more came.
Just as Arrogant's strength was about to give out, an arrow flew by his head, and he knew that help had arrived.
"The strength of the isolationist elves and dwarves comes to your aid." Leggy shouted as he did more cool bow and arrow tricks that make the female members of the audience faint.
"Prissy elf." Grisly said as he took one, then another critic down.
Meanwhile, Fiona was running, then tripped for the millionth time. She looked up and saw the critics coming. Not wanting to be reviewed, she hid behind a twig and waited for them to pass by.
"Hi, Fiona." They each said as they ran by.
"Fiona!" Dork hissed from his hiding place, "Hide here, come on."
She shook her said, and looked towards the critics to see when the next opportunity to escape came.
"What's she doing?" Peepin asked.
"She's leaving." Dork replied.
"No!" Peepin said, and jumped up and out of the hiding spot for reasons nobody will ever know.
"Peepin, you Fool!" Dork replied.
Dork looked up to see that the critics had spotted them.
He turned to Fiona and said, "Go, Fiona, run."
"Hey, over here. This way!" Dork and Peepin yelled to the critics.
"Do you think that they're leading us away from something?" one asked.
"That's impossible." Another replied.
"It's working!" Peepin, Stater of the Obvious, said as the critics chased them.
"No duh!" Dork replied.
The two Hobbiraptors ran until they that they were surrounded.
"Of all the rotten luck we've had so far, this is by far, the worst." Dork said.
Suddenly, when all hope was lost, Boredom charged in, with his sword drawn.
"In the name of all that can be farced!" he cried as killed one, then another critic.
From here, just picture the fight that ensues in the film, okay.
Roger Ebert walked up to where he could what was kicking the butts of his less than incompetent army.
"One against one hundred." Ebert mused, "When Sorehead made us, he must've crossed Orks with the French."
Then, he took out the most feared thing in all of Fiction-Earth, a Bad-Review Arrow. He fitted it into the bowstring of his bow and aimed for Boredom.
Boredom jumped away from the critics to get out of the fray, but ironically stepped out to where he was in clear shot of Ebert's arrows.
One, then another, then a third pierced him.
"AH! The bad reviews, too much to handle, save yourselves, Dork and Peepin." He gasped.
They made a run for it, but it was too late. They were captured and carried off.
Boredom suddenly saw two feet in front of him.
"Now wait a minute here, where there's feet, there's a body attached to it, usually." He thought to himself. Proud of his logic, he looked up to Ebert, standing over him, aiming another arrow.
Suddenly, Arrogant jumped out of nowhere and the two warriors fell to the ground.
Ebert and Arrogant's swords clashed.
After a bit of swordfighting, Arrogant sliced one of Eberts arms, but it had no effect.
"What the.you should be begging for death right now." Arrogant said, confused.
"What? This little cut?" Ebert said, gesturing to where his arm used to be, "I've been hurt worst than this before."
"Liar." Arrogant said, "Nobody gets hurts that bad and says that 'he was hurt worst before'."
Ebert charged him again, and got his other arm cut off.
"Well, that's that." Arrogant said, turning his back to Ebert.
'Whack!' Arrogant felt a sharp pain on the back of his left leg.
He whirled around to Ebert, still trying to fight him.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"Come on, big boy. Let's see what your made of." Ebert replied.
"You have no arms left." Arrogant exclaimed.
"So what." Ebert said, kicking him again.
"Now stop that!"
"Make me." Ebert replied.
"Very well." Arrogant said, and chopped Ebert's legs off.
Arrogant ran over to Boredom.
"Hey! Come back here and face me like a man, I'll bite your legs, you little crud-ball." Ebert yelled.
"They took the little ones." Boredom explained.
"Hold still." Arrogant told him.
"Fiona, where is Fiona?" Boredom asked.
"Well, we had a very strange discussion and she left." Arrogant replied.
"Then you did what I could not. I tried to take her up on her constant offering the Embryo to people." Boredom said, "Forgive me, did not know that the offer had expired."
"You fought bravely Boredom, you have kept your likableness amongst the audience-members." Arrogant said, starting to pull one of the arrows out.
"Leave it in. Game Over." Boredom said, "All will come to be monopolized by Biosyn, and the Free Corporations will be ruined."
"I don't know what strength is in my DNA, but I will not let Ingen fall, nor will our people fold."
"Our people, our people." Boredom whispered, "I would have followed you, my bro, my general, my King." Boredom said, then his slowly closed for the final time.
Arrogant felt a great pain in his heart, "Rest on Piece, Son of Detour." He said.
Just then, Leggy and Grisly showed up, and joined in the mourning of Boredom.
TO BE CONCLUDED.
