All the usual disclaimers apply. I own nothing. All characters are owned by….well whoever owns them. Be it Joss, Toho, or what not.
"All I'm saying is that the way he refers to his penis doesn't make me horny at all."
Xander sighed as he looked at his ex-fiancé.
"Anya, it's not supposed to make you horny. It's Jay and Silent Bob Strikes back. It's supposed to be funny. A joke.", Xander replied to her
The former Vengeance Demon looked at him.
"What is it with you men and your penises? You want them to be big and have me say things like "Oooooh poppy" to you or you make light of them when they're small. Freud was onto something.", Anya replied
Xander felt the familiar warmth of blushing. He had a whole room of his friends and about a bajillion Potential Slayers staring at him. Embarrassment was pretty much a given when Anya opened her mouth. Oh well, at least she hadn't started on the games they had used to play in the bedroom.
"And what's with you men and wanting to play naughty nurse while we're on the subject? What's so sexy about someone who changes bedpans everyday? I swear there has to be something there too.", Anya went on
Xander looked at the others sheepishly.
"Naughty nurse?", Willow asked with an eyebrow raised
Xander merely laughed weakly and walked into the kitchen to Buffy.
"Little help out there? Losing what little dignity I have left there.", Xander pleaded
"You had dignity?", Buffy said as she spread mustard on her sandwich.
"Seriously Buff. I can't work crowd control much longer. They're like ravening wolves. Get out there and work that chain of command mojo.", Xander replied peering back into the packed living room.
Giles walked in a moment later, "Yes, I agree with Xander. I'm beginning to think that gathering up all the Potential Slayers here and packing them into a household already full of young women was an error in judgment."
"Anya got them all on the penis diatribe didn't she?", Xander sighed
"Unfortunately. I rather think I would prefer the Apocalypse right now.", Giles said cleaning his glasses.
"Oh come on guys. It's not that bad.", Buffy replied, putting the finishing touches on her sandwich before heading into the living room. A moment later she was back, "They got Andrew on it too."
"Please don't make me go back in there.", Xander said petrified.
"Surely there must be some research I could do….", Giles began
"In there now.", Buffy ordered, "I need moral support."
"God. It was so much easier when people were losing souls and turning into giant snakes.", Xander groaned as Buffy issued them both into the living room with her.
"I just think Dogma was better.", Buffy's younger sister Dawn said to the others.
"I'm with Dawnie on this one. Dogma was much better than Mallrats.", Willow echoed as she held her new girlfriend Kennedy's hand.
"How can you say that? The mall! Last bastion of capitalism! It has numerous opportunities to make profit and then exchange that profit for goods and services! Besides, I would think some people in this room would prefer Chasing Amy as they play for the other side.", Anya said narrowing her glance.
"ALRIGHT! I'M GAY! OKAY, I ADMIT IT! I'M GAY! AND YA KNOW WHAT? IT'S A VALID LIFESTYLE! VALID! I HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF! I AM GAY AND I'M PROUD! STOP PRESSURING ME WITH YOUR LITTLE HINTS AT MY SEXUALITY!", Andrew suddenly shouted at the top of his lungs with eyes liked a madman
"I was talking about Willow and Kennedy, Andrew.", Anya explained.
Andrew looked at all the wide eyes and faces and started to cough, "Yes. O-of course That was obviously me doing an impersonation of….erm….Evil Kirk from Mirror, Mirror. You know…he'd be the exact opposite of Good Kirk…as he was the ladies man."
The rest of the room still looked at him. Andrew sighed slightly and sat down on the couch, with Xander inching away as he did.
"Okay, that's it. I need to get away from the crazy people for a little while.", Buffy said standing up.
"Take me with you?", Xander pleaded.
"Ooooh no. You're staying here with the penis jokes and revelations in human sexuality. See you in a few.", Buffy said walking to the kitchen and out the back door.
"You know….Midnighter and Apollo are gay.", Andrew said to Xander
"Do not speak to me.", Xander replied staring straight ahead.
Buffy walked out the back door into the cool night air and just felt the breeze. Thunder echoed miles away. There was a storm coming. There was always a storm coming. They never seemed to stop coming. Buffy sighed and sat on her back steps just thinking. The big one was coming; the battle with the First Evil. People were going to die. She was probably going to die. AGAIN. She sighed then perked her head up. She had heard a sound. A sound on the roof.
"Could be a demon.", she thought and she stood up and gracefully back flipped onto her roof.
"BLOODY HELL!", Spike said with a start.
"Hey. Was wondering where you got to.", Buffy said to him.
"Yeah, Needed some time away from the pitter patter of feet inside. Enough to drive a fella nuts.", Spike replied.
"So what are you doing? Admiring the shingles?", Buffy asked as she sat beside him.
"Eh. Just taking in the whole night. Get a look at the stars before that soddin' storm that's coming up covers them.", the vampire said to her.
Buffy looked to the stars with him.
"Pretty. You never struck me as an astronomer though.", Buffy told him
"I'm not. Just like looking at them though. Lots of demons and people ask if us vamps ever miss the daylight. I always tell them no. Who needs the sun when I got millions of them up above me?", Spike said looking at her.
"Wow. Is it just me or have you gone and become a poet again?", Buffy asked
"Nah. Well, yeah. Came up to get inspiration.", Spike said as he pulled a pack of cigarettes from his duster and lit one up.
"Working on something?", Buffy asked again.
"Could say that, pet.", Spike said puffing away.
"What's it about?"
Spike inhaled deeply and took the cigarette from his mouth.
"'Bout you.", Spike sighed
"Oh.", was all Buffy could manage. She liked Spike. She had always had a sort of attraction to him. Then there had been the affair. God what a mistake that was. It had been purely physical on her part, but he had wanted something more. Every time he had tried to show tenderness she had beaten him. And he kept crawling back to her. It was sick and wrong on her part and she seemed to know that now. Everyone has a breaking a point. Spike had one too and almost raped her for the way she treated him. Then he disappeared for months, finally returning with a soul. He was so different now. Gone was a lot of the bravado and sarcastic remarks. In its place was a kindness and gentleness, though he was still vicious when it came to fighting.
"So where are we Buffy?", Spike asked suddenly
"What do you mean?", she asked trying to play dumb and avoid the subject.
"Well, I mean, what are we now? Are we actually friends now? Just acquaintances? Is there any hope for…"
"I don't know. With all this stuff with the First and the Potential Slayers, I just don't know. I can't think about it right now. I need to stay focused.", Buffy said before she saw his head moving closer to hers.
"I'm focused too. Focused on you.", Spike said as he inched ever closer
"Spike we shouldn't….", Buffy replied, her resolve weakening as she moved to him too.
"SHIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!"
"The hell?", Spike said looking out in the distance seeing a gigantic figure silhouetted in the horizon.
"Damn it. We need to get the others.", Buffy said as she watched the huge green figure start advancing to the town of Sunnydale.
Gaira the Gargantua had made landfall.
