CHAPTER THREE - ANGEL November 2004
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream. Edgar Allen Poe - Dream within a Dream
I should never have turned Dawn down when she asked me to meet her new boyfriend at Thanksgiving dinner. I had just barked out a 'no' and left it at that. Poor Dawn. Buffy and Faith couldn't make it back to California. Giles and Willow were in London. Fred had gone to Texas with her family and Lorne couldn't come because Dawn's boyfriend had no clue things like demons existed. She was cobbling a family together out of Wes, Xander and Gunn.
I should have been there. She needed me but all I could think about was my son was going to be having dinner with his family, blissfully unaware of the terribleness in this world. I was miserable and I had no one I could talk to about it. I had erased Connor's existence from everyone's mind. My son thought he was someone else's child.
I looked in on him from time to time. He attended the same college as Dawn and was the reason I opposed her going there. That college was Connor's place and I wanted nothing intruding on it. Trouble followed Dawn and I didn't want it anywhere near Connor. Forget the fact the campus was enormous and that he was just one of nearly thirty thousand so what were the chances she'd even see him? I managed to find him there, thanks to Lilah. Why her corpse was still wandering this earth I had no clue and it made me vaguely nervous as to what more Wolfram and Hart had planned for her. Those little visits to spy on Connor killed a little bit of me each and ever time. I shut my eyes against the pain. I should quit torturing myself. I had done the right thing. I would do anything for my child even if I had to give him up. But there was this part of me that asked why did I leave his memory in my mind? Was it a failsafe in case one of those prophecies turned out to be true and Connor's destiny caught up to him? Or did I do it because I was too selfish to let go, just too good at self-castigation? It whittled away at my soul, knowing he lived without me being a part of his life. Was that why I was in such a hurry to die to help Buffy? Or was it why I was grateful she sent me on my way?
Every day, I battled myself over this decision. I couldn't silence the part of me that screamed that taking anything from Wolfram and Hart was stupid, that it was bound to turn around and bite me in the ass. I had been waiting a year for that bite but so far so good. Still, there were the little things that were subtly going wrong. Lorne, Gunn and Fred were drifting apart from me and Wes. Wes was overly involved in starting up the Watchers and Fred seemed to float between him and Gunn. When any of them looked at me, I felt like they were accusing me of selling them out, for making that executive decision. Yet I know they would have made the very same choice. They had all been tempted by Lilah and her cronies.
Somewhere around two in the afternoon, guilt overwhelmed me and I headed out through the sewers. I knew of a French bakery that Cordy had liked. It was possible to get to it from below and I could approach the counter without getting near the display windows which was important in the light of day. Of course, they were closing early for the holiday and since I hadn't made prior arrangements, I had to select from the confections that were left over. Still, I managed to get a frothy-looking cake and some sort of fruit tart. I hoped it would make a good peace offering for Thanksgiving dinner. I shouldn't have been so harsh to Dawn. I should have been happy she felt so strongly, so good about me that she wanted me to be there for a day of family time.
I was reminded of the day Whistler first found me and tried to get me to live in the world. Thoughts of Doyle also bubbled up. He tried his best to reconnect me to life. Now, Dawn was doing the same but her job was so much harder. I had lost so much this time. Cordelia, my granddaughter, my son and, in some ways, even Buffy. Things would never be the same between us, even more so than ever before.
I headed up under Xander's apartment complex and into the shared laundry room. Dawn wasn't expecting me at all and she wasn't expecting the others until a handful of hours away. Wes and Xander were working late and Gunn was, well I wasn't sure what he was doing. He had been odd and secretive ever since we had agreed to Wolfram and Hart's deal.
I had a key to the apartment. I'd just let myself in and surprise Dawn. I know she'd be happy to see me. Buffy had let slip just how disappointed Dawn was in me for turning down her invitation to dinner. It hadn't been a rebuke but it hurt just the same. I could easily take time to eat a meal I couldn't really taste and meet her boyfriend. Dawn hadn't told me much about him other than he was smart and pre-law. I suspected she thought I told Buffy every move she made and wanted some things to remain private. She wasn't entirely wrong about that. And my lack of enthusiasm for her dating a wanna-be lawyer had helped to keep Dawn quiet about this boy. I didn't even so much as know his name.
I steeled myself. I wasn't good at social events but how hard could this be? I had nothing to fear from a teenaged boy and if things started going bad, well Xander would be here sooner or later. He was better at keeping things light than any of us. Juggling the desserts, I fished out my keys and quietly let myself in.
I stopped there in the little foyer. I had missed the soft sounds of kissing from outside the door, too wrapped up in my own little world but I couldn't miss the smells of sweat and sex now that I was inside the apartment. Against my better judgment, I took a few steps towards the living room. I could see Dawn's back, alabaster and glistening with perspiration. She was too involved with her lover to notice me. They were on the floor by the 60's roundish space ship-like wood-burning stove in the corner of the living room, taking full advantage of the fact they'd be alone for another few hours.
The desserts almost ended up on the floor as I caught a glimpse of Dawn's boyfriend whom she had pinned firmly against the rug. The would-be lawyer frat boy she had fallen for was my son. There was a strange sensation inside my chest, like my heart had suddenly started beating or I couldn't catch my breath, as if I had any. And like a coward, I slipped just as quietly out the door. I put my back to the hallway wall then slid down it into a heap on the floor. I waited. I'm not sure for what. I knew I was not going to go back in there and sit down to dinner with Connor. I couldn't do it. There was only so much I could take. I was giving them time to finish, just so I could leave my peace offering for Dawn, for what little it was worth without me there. I scrawled an apology on the cake box and after a time I rang the doorbell and ran.
In a school that big, Dawn somehow ran into Connor. I couldn't believe it was coincidence. And he's a clever pre-law student? I think I was feeling that bite from Wolfram and Hart that I've been expecting. Maybe it was just random chance but in my life, how often did that happen? I knew I had done a devil's deal. This could just be their way of putting the screws to me for being so naive and desperate. They could very well be grooming my son to work for them. Lilah probably thought it was highly amusing.
And how to end this between them without making Dawn hate me? Maybe I didn't have to do anything. They were young, hopefully fickle. Maybe they'd drift apart without my interference. Or maybe not. Did I dare take that chance? Dawn was the Key. I'm not sure any of us knew just how human she was. Was Glory's realm the only one she was a key to? Was she human enough to be fertile? That was my great fear. Wolfram and Hart couldn't make Connor fully human any more than they could make me alive. Up until now, my fear was Connor would be in a situation that would end badly thanks to his superior strength, something I had been too distraught to consider when I made the deal. I only saw that flaw in my actions with that oh so perfect hindsight. What if he and Dawn were to have a child? It might be even worse than Jasmine. Or it could be normal? There was no way of knowing and I had no one I could talk this over with. Connor didn't exist. Xander and I might be able to impress on Dawn the importance of safe sex. Or could we? I never did make it through the big sex talk with Connor, leaving it to Cordelia. How was I to know she'd make it show and tell?
I couldn't talk to Dawn about this. The best I could do would be to tell Buffy that Dawn had a boyfriend and let her handle it. I looked around at the sewer juncture before me, not realizing I had run so far. It was just a few blocks to the private nursing home Cordelia had been placed in. I made my way up into the building. A red-headed young nurse smiled at me.
"Hello Mr. Angel, here to see Cordy?"
I managed a smile for her. "Yes, Anna. Is she in her room?"
"She's down at the big party. Want me to get her for you?" Anna got up from the nurse's station.
I shook my head. It was dark now, so I was safe from the big, bright, airy windows in the home. "I'll get her."
I hated this place. You could smell the death here, the sharp tang of hopelessness mixing the stench of urine and feces. There were only twenty lost souls here, all younger, most of them victims of car accidents or disease, like Cordy's roommate, Liza, who had M.S. The nurses aides had them all in the rec room, playing balloon volley ball, or at least the ones who could still move. Cordy and the other coma victims were lined up along the wall facing the big screen tv. Every time I came here I wanted to just let my demon go and put them all out of this misery. I wanted to scream when I heard parents talking about their miracle children, the ones who had survived the accident, while all the time they're trying to get sips of soda into what was left of their child. Wolfram and Hart were researching magical ways of reviving Cordelia. No one trusted them so Wes, Fred and myself were doing so as well. Lilah had suggested putting Cordy in suspended animation, much like what Holtz had endured, to spare her the bed sores and such but we voted it down. What if it took too long? Would Cordy want to be awoken decades down the road with immortal me still with her? That might be worse than dying.
They had prettied Cordelia up for the Thanksgiving party. She was in a bright blue dress and her nails had been painted to match. But the image was marred by the white compression stockings that reached her knees and kept her from getting blood clots in her legs, and the lambs wool booties that helped to keep her from getting heel sores further ruined the picture. At least the urine bag was covered by a tie-dyed pouch. I could understand why the aides tried their best to make the residents look good. Maybe somewhere deep down, Cordelia knew and appreciated it.
I wheeled her geri chair out onto the back patio. The smell of jasmine there almost drove me back inside. I don't think I would ever be able to stand the scent again but the air felt cool and clean. The wind ruffled Cordelia's hair. I sat beside her, taking her hand.
"You look beautiful tonight, Cordelia." I told her that most every night I found time to visit with her. And I told her about Connor, just like I always did. I'm not sure why since I took such pains to remove him from everyone else's mind. I think it was my way of admitting that I knew Cordelia was never going to wake up, that Jasmine had destroyed her mind. I couldn't escape thinking I should have helped Cordelia to move on and leave behind this pain. But if there was a chance she could recover, I had to take it. So I spent Thanksgiving telling her about how we were all doing, about Dawn and how she was dating Connor now. I spared her the image that was seared into my mind's eye of Dawn grinding on top of my son. I talked to her until it was time for her to be put to bed. I left before having to watch that. I couldn't stand seeing her in that swing thing they used to move patients around, dangling there like meat. I needed to work off the slow burn that had been building all night. I almost pitied the first demon I met.
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream. Edgar Allen Poe - Dream within a Dream
I should never have turned Dawn down when she asked me to meet her new boyfriend at Thanksgiving dinner. I had just barked out a 'no' and left it at that. Poor Dawn. Buffy and Faith couldn't make it back to California. Giles and Willow were in London. Fred had gone to Texas with her family and Lorne couldn't come because Dawn's boyfriend had no clue things like demons existed. She was cobbling a family together out of Wes, Xander and Gunn.
I should have been there. She needed me but all I could think about was my son was going to be having dinner with his family, blissfully unaware of the terribleness in this world. I was miserable and I had no one I could talk to about it. I had erased Connor's existence from everyone's mind. My son thought he was someone else's child.
I looked in on him from time to time. He attended the same college as Dawn and was the reason I opposed her going there. That college was Connor's place and I wanted nothing intruding on it. Trouble followed Dawn and I didn't want it anywhere near Connor. Forget the fact the campus was enormous and that he was just one of nearly thirty thousand so what were the chances she'd even see him? I managed to find him there, thanks to Lilah. Why her corpse was still wandering this earth I had no clue and it made me vaguely nervous as to what more Wolfram and Hart had planned for her. Those little visits to spy on Connor killed a little bit of me each and ever time. I shut my eyes against the pain. I should quit torturing myself. I had done the right thing. I would do anything for my child even if I had to give him up. But there was this part of me that asked why did I leave his memory in my mind? Was it a failsafe in case one of those prophecies turned out to be true and Connor's destiny caught up to him? Or did I do it because I was too selfish to let go, just too good at self-castigation? It whittled away at my soul, knowing he lived without me being a part of his life. Was that why I was in such a hurry to die to help Buffy? Or was it why I was grateful she sent me on my way?
Every day, I battled myself over this decision. I couldn't silence the part of me that screamed that taking anything from Wolfram and Hart was stupid, that it was bound to turn around and bite me in the ass. I had been waiting a year for that bite but so far so good. Still, there were the little things that were subtly going wrong. Lorne, Gunn and Fred were drifting apart from me and Wes. Wes was overly involved in starting up the Watchers and Fred seemed to float between him and Gunn. When any of them looked at me, I felt like they were accusing me of selling them out, for making that executive decision. Yet I know they would have made the very same choice. They had all been tempted by Lilah and her cronies.
Somewhere around two in the afternoon, guilt overwhelmed me and I headed out through the sewers. I knew of a French bakery that Cordy had liked. It was possible to get to it from below and I could approach the counter without getting near the display windows which was important in the light of day. Of course, they were closing early for the holiday and since I hadn't made prior arrangements, I had to select from the confections that were left over. Still, I managed to get a frothy-looking cake and some sort of fruit tart. I hoped it would make a good peace offering for Thanksgiving dinner. I shouldn't have been so harsh to Dawn. I should have been happy she felt so strongly, so good about me that she wanted me to be there for a day of family time.
I was reminded of the day Whistler first found me and tried to get me to live in the world. Thoughts of Doyle also bubbled up. He tried his best to reconnect me to life. Now, Dawn was doing the same but her job was so much harder. I had lost so much this time. Cordelia, my granddaughter, my son and, in some ways, even Buffy. Things would never be the same between us, even more so than ever before.
I headed up under Xander's apartment complex and into the shared laundry room. Dawn wasn't expecting me at all and she wasn't expecting the others until a handful of hours away. Wes and Xander were working late and Gunn was, well I wasn't sure what he was doing. He had been odd and secretive ever since we had agreed to Wolfram and Hart's deal.
I had a key to the apartment. I'd just let myself in and surprise Dawn. I know she'd be happy to see me. Buffy had let slip just how disappointed Dawn was in me for turning down her invitation to dinner. It hadn't been a rebuke but it hurt just the same. I could easily take time to eat a meal I couldn't really taste and meet her boyfriend. Dawn hadn't told me much about him other than he was smart and pre-law. I suspected she thought I told Buffy every move she made and wanted some things to remain private. She wasn't entirely wrong about that. And my lack of enthusiasm for her dating a wanna-be lawyer had helped to keep Dawn quiet about this boy. I didn't even so much as know his name.
I steeled myself. I wasn't good at social events but how hard could this be? I had nothing to fear from a teenaged boy and if things started going bad, well Xander would be here sooner or later. He was better at keeping things light than any of us. Juggling the desserts, I fished out my keys and quietly let myself in.
I stopped there in the little foyer. I had missed the soft sounds of kissing from outside the door, too wrapped up in my own little world but I couldn't miss the smells of sweat and sex now that I was inside the apartment. Against my better judgment, I took a few steps towards the living room. I could see Dawn's back, alabaster and glistening with perspiration. She was too involved with her lover to notice me. They were on the floor by the 60's roundish space ship-like wood-burning stove in the corner of the living room, taking full advantage of the fact they'd be alone for another few hours.
The desserts almost ended up on the floor as I caught a glimpse of Dawn's boyfriend whom she had pinned firmly against the rug. The would-be lawyer frat boy she had fallen for was my son. There was a strange sensation inside my chest, like my heart had suddenly started beating or I couldn't catch my breath, as if I had any. And like a coward, I slipped just as quietly out the door. I put my back to the hallway wall then slid down it into a heap on the floor. I waited. I'm not sure for what. I knew I was not going to go back in there and sit down to dinner with Connor. I couldn't do it. There was only so much I could take. I was giving them time to finish, just so I could leave my peace offering for Dawn, for what little it was worth without me there. I scrawled an apology on the cake box and after a time I rang the doorbell and ran.
In a school that big, Dawn somehow ran into Connor. I couldn't believe it was coincidence. And he's a clever pre-law student? I think I was feeling that bite from Wolfram and Hart that I've been expecting. Maybe it was just random chance but in my life, how often did that happen? I knew I had done a devil's deal. This could just be their way of putting the screws to me for being so naive and desperate. They could very well be grooming my son to work for them. Lilah probably thought it was highly amusing.
And how to end this between them without making Dawn hate me? Maybe I didn't have to do anything. They were young, hopefully fickle. Maybe they'd drift apart without my interference. Or maybe not. Did I dare take that chance? Dawn was the Key. I'm not sure any of us knew just how human she was. Was Glory's realm the only one she was a key to? Was she human enough to be fertile? That was my great fear. Wolfram and Hart couldn't make Connor fully human any more than they could make me alive. Up until now, my fear was Connor would be in a situation that would end badly thanks to his superior strength, something I had been too distraught to consider when I made the deal. I only saw that flaw in my actions with that oh so perfect hindsight. What if he and Dawn were to have a child? It might be even worse than Jasmine. Or it could be normal? There was no way of knowing and I had no one I could talk this over with. Connor didn't exist. Xander and I might be able to impress on Dawn the importance of safe sex. Or could we? I never did make it through the big sex talk with Connor, leaving it to Cordelia. How was I to know she'd make it show and tell?
I couldn't talk to Dawn about this. The best I could do would be to tell Buffy that Dawn had a boyfriend and let her handle it. I looked around at the sewer juncture before me, not realizing I had run so far. It was just a few blocks to the private nursing home Cordelia had been placed in. I made my way up into the building. A red-headed young nurse smiled at me.
"Hello Mr. Angel, here to see Cordy?"
I managed a smile for her. "Yes, Anna. Is she in her room?"
"She's down at the big party. Want me to get her for you?" Anna got up from the nurse's station.
I shook my head. It was dark now, so I was safe from the big, bright, airy windows in the home. "I'll get her."
I hated this place. You could smell the death here, the sharp tang of hopelessness mixing the stench of urine and feces. There were only twenty lost souls here, all younger, most of them victims of car accidents or disease, like Cordy's roommate, Liza, who had M.S. The nurses aides had them all in the rec room, playing balloon volley ball, or at least the ones who could still move. Cordy and the other coma victims were lined up along the wall facing the big screen tv. Every time I came here I wanted to just let my demon go and put them all out of this misery. I wanted to scream when I heard parents talking about their miracle children, the ones who had survived the accident, while all the time they're trying to get sips of soda into what was left of their child. Wolfram and Hart were researching magical ways of reviving Cordelia. No one trusted them so Wes, Fred and myself were doing so as well. Lilah had suggested putting Cordy in suspended animation, much like what Holtz had endured, to spare her the bed sores and such but we voted it down. What if it took too long? Would Cordy want to be awoken decades down the road with immortal me still with her? That might be worse than dying.
They had prettied Cordelia up for the Thanksgiving party. She was in a bright blue dress and her nails had been painted to match. But the image was marred by the white compression stockings that reached her knees and kept her from getting blood clots in her legs, and the lambs wool booties that helped to keep her from getting heel sores further ruined the picture. At least the urine bag was covered by a tie-dyed pouch. I could understand why the aides tried their best to make the residents look good. Maybe somewhere deep down, Cordelia knew and appreciated it.
I wheeled her geri chair out onto the back patio. The smell of jasmine there almost drove me back inside. I don't think I would ever be able to stand the scent again but the air felt cool and clean. The wind ruffled Cordelia's hair. I sat beside her, taking her hand.
"You look beautiful tonight, Cordelia." I told her that most every night I found time to visit with her. And I told her about Connor, just like I always did. I'm not sure why since I took such pains to remove him from everyone else's mind. I think it was my way of admitting that I knew Cordelia was never going to wake up, that Jasmine had destroyed her mind. I couldn't escape thinking I should have helped Cordelia to move on and leave behind this pain. But if there was a chance she could recover, I had to take it. So I spent Thanksgiving telling her about how we were all doing, about Dawn and how she was dating Connor now. I spared her the image that was seared into my mind's eye of Dawn grinding on top of my son. I talked to her until it was time for her to be put to bed. I left before having to watch that. I couldn't stand seeing her in that swing thing they used to move patients around, dangling there like meat. I needed to work off the slow burn that had been building all night. I almost pitied the first demon I met.
