CHAPTER 4
Cid's Roadhouse Rip Off

(Scene #17: Still on Cloud's planet,
over Rocket Town, at night. Inside
the Ragnarok's control bridge, Edea
approaches Selphie.)

Edea: Listen, we've been flying for
15 minutes and we still haven't arrived
at where we're earmarked to play at.
Now what's the place we're--

Selphie: Uh, the name of the place is....

(Throught the Ragnarok's window, Quistis
spots a building in Rocket Town, near The
Shanghai Inn, with a neon sign reading
CID'S ROADHOUSE BUNKER.)

Quistis:....Cid's Roadhouse Bunker.

Cid: How 'bout that--another Cid.

Ellone: Well, that is Final Fantasy for you.

Selphie (to Quistis): Cid's Roadhouse
Bunker?!?

Quistis: A gig's a gig. Trust me.

(Upon landing outside of Rocket Town,
the SeeDs enter the town, before standing
before the building. On one side of the
building, is a marquee reading, TONIGHT
ONLY, THE RETURNERS.)

Irvine: Uh, Quisty, the sign says, "TONIGHT
ONLY, THE RETURNERS."

Quistis: Must be a typo; it should read,
"Tonight only: The Blues SeeDs' Triumphant
Return."

Squall: Whatever....

Rinoa: BURRRRRP!! Let's go get our
instruments.

Selphie: Do that, while me an' Quisty get
set up.

(Entering the roadhouse, Quistis and Selphie
approach the bar where Shera is at.)

Shera: Well, good evening!! Would you like
anything? We make the best pepper steak.

Quistis: Yuk, no thanks with an "F". We'll be
guzzlin' some diet sodas. Y' see, we're the band.

Shera: Well, it's 'bout time!! Cid, here's the band!!

(Cid Highwind enters, standing twixt Quistis and
Selphie.)

Cid H. : You The Returners?

Quistis: Uh, I think so.

Cid H. : Well, the name's Cid Highwind, an' welcome
to my roadhouse!!

Selphie: It's a neato joint, to say the least. Booyaka!!

Cid H.: I guess you'd best get set up then.

Selphie (to Shera): Uh.....what kind of tunes you got here?

Shera: We got roadhouse and basically Americana stuff.

(Meanwhile the rest of the SeeDs stand before the stage,
which is protected with chicken wire.)

Zell: Chicken wire?

(Much later in the night, the clientele assemble,
from the townspeople in Rocket Town, to some of
The Turks like Tseng and Elena, to much of the
Ronsos and the Al Bhed and much of the FF10 cast.
Selphie is at her drums, Quistis on her bass, Irvine
and Zell on their guitars, Squall and Rinoa on their
synths, and Cid and Edea Kramer and Ellone on
their horns.)

Selphie: Hey, Quisty, I don't know any of those tunes
here.

Quistis: So they're just requests. Let's do our
standard set.

Zell: Since I got the munchies for hot dogs, let's do
Gimme Some Hot Dogs.

Selphie: Fair 'nuff. All together now.

(While they play to their parody of Gimme
Some Lovin', Quistis addresses her words
to the audience.)

Quistis: Uh, good evening, we're The Blues
SeeDs, an' we'll play for you, stuff like that.

GIMME SOME HOT DOGS
Parody of Gimme Some Lovin'
Performed by Zell Dincht

Zell:
Well my stomach's been growlin'
since I left for Esthar
Eatin' Garden's hot dogs gets
me goin' so far
But it's time for me to tank up
before they run out fast
so let's get some ol' SeeD
cuisine--while they can last
So darlin'--let's get in line quick
Let's get in line quick.
Hey lady--gimme some hot dogs
(Gimme some hot dogs)
Gimme some hot dogs
(Gimme some hot dogs)
Gimme some hot dogs,
everyday.

(The crowd turns irate and starts
booing, hissing, blowing raspberries,
Bronx cheers and throwing glass bottles
at the band, which shatter aganst the
chicken wire screen.)

Eigaar (from The Al Bhed Psyches
blitzball team): Kad uvv dra cdyka!!
(Get off the stage!!)

Yuna: You stink!!

Rikku: You suck!! You inhale!!

Tseng: Hit the road, you bums!!

Elena: PE-EU!! You got B. O.!!

Wakka: You're worse than Mariah
an' Celine put together, ja?!?

(The noise attracts Cid H., who
turns irate upon hearing the band.)

Cid H. : That ain't no %@*#$^&
Cristina Aguilera tune!!

(Cid H. turns off the stage lights, causing
the band to stop, while the raucous booing
continues.)

Zell: What happened to the lights?

Irvine: Maybe we tripped the circut breakers.

Ellone: Uh-uh, I think those lights were turned
off on purpose.

Selphie: Hooboy, we got to come up with
somethin' these jokers like an' fast.

Edea: Why don't we pay tribute to the
one and only Cloud Strife?

Cid K.: Which pitch?

Squall: A minor 7th

Quistis: You sure it ain't A
diminished?

Rinoa: Cloud Strife it is.

(So the band plays their parody of
The Theme From Rawhide, causing
the boos to change to cheers, and
Cid H. to turn the stage lights back
on.)

CLOUD STRIFE
Parody of The Theme From Rawhide
Performed by Selphie Tilmitt & Quistis
Trepe

Selphie:
Slashin', slashin', slashin'
with his Ultima Sword
Who's the greatest SOLDIER?
Cloud Strife.
Tougher than bad weather,
an' hell bent forever
an' wishin' Aeris was by
his side.
All the stuff he is missin'
like Tifa's booze an' kissin'
but soon Cloud will hang ol'
Seph to dry
Spikey butt

Quistis:
Spikey butt....

Selphie:
Omnislash....

Quistis:
Omnislash....

Selphie;
AVALANCHE....

Quistis:
AVALANCHE....

Selphie:
Cloud Strife
Nibelheim....

Quistis:
Nibelheim....

Selphie:
Sephiroth....

Quistis:
Sephiroth....

Selphie:
Aeris G. ,who just
loves Cloud Strife!!

Solo #1

Selphie:
Slashin', slashin', slashin'
Kickin' Shinra's BUT-TOCKS
an' givin' Rufus hard knocks,
(it's) Cloud Strife
Cloud always says, "Let's mosey, "
while breakin' Hojo's nosey,
while usin' his latest Limit Break
Dealin' with Jenova,
an' Sephy's Super Nova--
how much mo' can our SOLDIER
boy take?
Spikey butt

Quistis:
Spikey butt....

Selphie:
Omnislash....

Quistis:
Omnislash....

Selphie;
AVALANCHE....

Quistis:
AVALANCHE....

Selphie:
Cloud Strife
Nibelheim....

Quistis:
Nibelheim....

Selphie:
Sephiroth....

Quistis:
Sephiroth....

Selphie:
Aeris G. ,who just
loves Cloud Strife!!

Solo #2

Selphie:
Spikey butt

Quistis:
Spikey butt....

Selphie:
Omnislash....

Quistis:
Omnislash....

Selphie;
AVALANCHE....

Quistis:
AVALANCHE....

Selphie:
Cloud Strife
Nibelheim....

Quistis:
Nibelheim....

Selphie:
Sephiroth....

Quistis:
Sephiroth....

Selphie:
Aeris G. ,who just
loves Cloud Strife!!

All:
Slashin', slashin', slashin'....

Selphie:
Cloud Strife....

All:
CLOUD STRIFE!!!!

(Needless to say, the crowd
cheers, hoots and hollers while
tossing their bottles. After they calm
down, Rinoa addresses them.)

Rinoa: Ok......the next tune is
dedicated to Sorceresses an' their
Knights galaxywide. Word.

STAND BY YOUR KNIGHT
Parody of Stand By Your Man
Performed by Rinoa Heartily

Rinoa:
Sometimes it's hard to be a
sorceress.
Sometimes it's hard to
date a knight.
But when he saves you
from that Iguion,
then you know he
is just right.

All:
Stand by your knight
while you dance at the SeeD ball
even if you're a whiner,
even if your knight may trip an' fall
Stand by your knight....

Even when the band stops playing, the
crowd cheers.)

Rinoa: Uh, sorry, we don't remember all
the words....BURRRRRRP!! Sorry, I did
it again....

(A few hours later, in the deserted roadhouse,
Shera is cleaning up while Selphie and
Quistis talk with Cid H.)

Cid H.: I must say, you surprised me tonight.

Selphie: Uh, sorry we couldn't remember all
the words to Stand By Your Knight, let alone
The Wreck Of The Ol' Tiny Bronco.

Cid H.: Maybe next time.

Quistis: So what 'bout our payment?

Cid H.: OK, I owe you 800 gil, from which you
owe me 400 gil from all those diet sodas you drank.

Quistis: Wait, I thought the soda was complimentry,
y' know, for the band....

Cid H.: You out of your &$^*%@# mind?!? I
run a business here!!

Selphie: Well, why don't you 'low me an' Quisty
here to head outside an' write a check for you?

Cid H.: Just make it snappy!!

(Outside the roadhouse, we see the rest of
the SeeDs squabble.)

Zell: Well....I may as well head back to the diner.

Ellone: An' swallow your pride an' 'low Seifer to
call you Chicken-Wuss?

Squall: I say we give Quistis an' Selphie one last
try, for the sake of our parody.

Rinoa: Least it beats workin' in that swank restraunt.

Irvine; Least you finally stopped belchin'. I told
you it pays to use Rolaids.

Cid K.: I was all for usin' Pepto Bismol.

(Just then Quisitis and Selphie arrive.)

Selphie: Why don't you all wait in The Ragnarok
till we meet with you?

Edea: As you wish.

(No sooner do the rest of the SeeDs depart, Seltzer's
blimp from Final Fantasy 6 lands outside of Rocket
Town; soon Terra, Celes and Relm arrive.)

Quistis: You The Returners?

Terra: You betcha!! Name's Terra Branford, the
drummer. The rest of our band is unloadin'
our instruments.

Celes: Hiya.

Relm: Wassup?

Selphie: Listen, we're with the union, an' we've
been here checkin' out that joint, an' uh, we
think it's way too sleazy an' unhealthful for you
pretty pretties to play here.

Terra: An' what's there to stop me an' my band?

Celes: You're goin' to have a tough time eatin'
corn on the cob after I use my Runic on your
teeth.

Relm: An' you know how much gil a set of
false teeth costs.

Quistis: Uh, we see your point. Listen, why don't
we talk to Cid Highwind an' see what he says?

Terra: OK. An' the sooner, the better.

Celes: See if he's got any diet soda.

Relm: An' nachos.

(Quistis and Selphie head to the outskirts
of Rocket Town just as Cid Highwind stops
them.)

Cid H.: 'Bout time I found you. Listen, you
gals still owe me 400 gil for the $&*%@#$%^&*
diet sodas you drank.

Selphie: We know that. Y' see, we left our checkbook
in our space craft, an' we got to get it, so we can sign
it for what we owe you.

Cid H.: Hop to it then.

(The Blues SeeDs hightail it in The Ragnarok--
and waste no time in closing the hatch and taking
off for the night sky.)

Cid H.: Hey you &*^%@#$ bimbos!! Come
back here!!

(At that moment, Terra, Celes and Relm arrive
on the scene.)

Terra: Them gals with the union?

Cid H.: Union, my &^*%@#$ foot!! Those
bimbos an' their band hightailed it on me, an'
they owe me 400 gil in diet soda!! (pause) Who
the %@#$&^* you supposed to be?!?

Terra: We're The Returners.

Cid H. : YOU'RE The Returners....?!!?

(Scene #18: Night, over Cloud's planet.
The Ragnarok is high in the sky, when
a series of phaserbolts hit one side of
the Estharian ship's sheild protected hull.)

Selphie: Oh-oh....!! We got company!!

(Coming on behind the Ragnarok is
The Returners' airship, with Cid
Highwind's Highwind alongside, both
ships firing their weapons on the
Ragnarok.)

Quistis: Least it couldn't get much worse.

(Just then, Selphie spots something ahead
and freaks out.)

Selphie: YIPE!! Galbadians!! Who was it that
said it couldn't get much worse?!?

(Sure enough, coming on ahead in a head on
path is yet another squadron of Galbadian
Thrace fighters.)

Quistis: Can you do that same bit you did
back in Deling City?

Selphie: Why didn't I think of that?

(So as before, while the Galbadians, the
Highwind and Seltzer's ship open fire,
the Ragnarok aims high, then takes off,
resulting in the other ships firing on
each other, exploding and crashing in
the sea near the Costa Del Sol beach.)

Galbadian Soldier #1: Not again!!

(You can imagine the surprise from Cid H.,
Terra, Celes, Relm and the rest of The
Returners when a burnt out, worn out yet
irate Galbadian soldier confronts them.)

Galbadian Soldier #2: You're all in deep doo
doo now....!!
Next: Chapter 5: 'Da Big Night