Cheezels!

Chapter 5 - There's Something About Bosnia-Herzegovina...

Yami's eyes were wide and panicky. "I knew this was gonna happen," he whispered.

"How did you know?" asked Mai, surprised.

Yami darted his eyes. "The Matrix told me..." he said.

Yugi sighed. "Yami, shut up about the freakin' Matrix."

Yami turned his eyes downward. "I'm sorry..." he said quietly.

"Oh... Yami, don't get upset... I like the Matrix, too..." Yugi said, hugging him.

"Hullo Yami!" squealed Anzu, latching onto him. Yami shuddered.

Yugi scowled. "Get the hell off him!" he snapped.

Anzu gave him a cold look. "Just because you like me..."

Yugi stared, then wretched and fled to the kitchen. Yami clipped Anzu in the head.

"Don't be ridiculous!" he cried. "Although, it's a bit difficult, isn't it, I mean, just being alive makes you ridiculous..."

Ryou tensed as Rebecca approached him. "GET LOST!" he yelled, curling up into a ball and putting his hands over his ears.

"This old man, he played one," Rebecca began singing, and Ryou screamed in horror. "He played knick-knack on my thumb, with a knick-knack, paddy-whack, give a dog a bone, this old man came rolling home! This old man, he played two..."

Bakura leant against the wall. "Well, Ryou, that cleaver's lookin' pretty good now, eh?" he smirked.

"SAVE ME!" cried Ryou.

"Save YOU?!" yelled Yami. "Save YOU?! WHAT ABOUT ME?!"

"Aw, Yami, don't you love me?" asked Anzu.

"NO, I DON'T, NOW GO TO HELL WHERE YOU BELONG!"

"I knew I was wrong to doubt you." Anzu smiled, and the big mirror on the wall cracked.

"I JUST BOUGHT THAT!" yelled Seto, outraged.

"This old man, he played nine, he played-"

Bakura suddenly launched into a spectacular Charlie's Angels type action sequence, and managed to get Rebecca pinned to the wall.

"Who do you work for?" he demanded. "Tell me, if you value your life."

Rebecca stared silently. Bakura groaned. "Tell me, if you value your teddy's head." He gestured to Yugi, who had returned from the kitchen and was holding teddy and looking very menacing indeed.

Rebecca shrieked. "I'll tell you! I'll tell you everything! Just don't hurt teddy!"

Bakura smirked and eyed her.

"Yami Clone sent me."

Yami smacked his forehead. "And after I started to think that was a hallucination... the bastard's back..."

Anzu looked upset. "Yami, who is this Yami Clone that's making you sad?"

Yami glared. "He's my freakin' mother..." he sighed sarcastically.

"Well, I think you should trust in friendship and work this out." Anzu said. "I mean, friendship is what-"

"DON'T START THAT FRIENDSHIP CRAP!" yelled Yami, blocking his ears. "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" he continued, looking ready to cry.

Yugi glared at Anzu. "Look what you've done!" he cried. "You've made him upset, you evil latecomer!"

Yami suddenly scowled. "Frickin' latecomers, I hate 'em!" he snapped, shaking his fist.

Yugi pointed. "Anzu's a latecomer."

Yami froze, then gave her an evil look. "Yes. Yes she is."

"Yami, you suck." said Rebecca.

Yugi glared, then ripped off teddy's head. "You're goin' down." he hissed.

"NO!" screamed Rebecca.

Yugi advanced on Rebecca, smirking.

Yami watched, all misty-eyed. "Aww, he's gonna kill someone. Isn't that cute?" he cooed.

Bakura nodded. "Aye," he said in an Irish accent. "I remember the first time Ryou killed someone. I was so proud."

Yami and Bakura nodded, sighing.

Yami then looked sharply at Bakura. "Why are you speaking like an Irishman?"

Bakura grinned, embarrassed. "Well, Ireland's mad..."

Yami shrugged. "Fair enough..."

"Sorry..." said Bakura.

"No, don't apologize." insisted Yami. "Ireland's pretty good."

There was suddenly a strangled scream from Rebecca, and everyone looked.

Yami blinked. "Ya know, there's something ironic about having the head of the thing you love being shoved down your throat..."

"Yeah," said Bakura, nodding. "But that's genius."

"Yami, I love you." said Anzu suddenly.

Yami shuddered in disgust. "Don't scare me..." he said.

Mai sighed. "This is all pointless bashing.." she pointed out.

"Yeah, she said that after a couple of deaths, the story will go back to its plotline..." Bakura repiled.

"Who's 'she'?" asked Honda.

"Plotline?" asked Yugi.

Bakura smacked Honda in the head. "'SHE' IS THE AUTHOR!" he yelled. "GROW A BRAIN!" He paused, and turned to Yugi. "But you have a point with the plotline..." he said.

Yami blinked. "Are we still going to the beach with Jamie?" he asked.

"Yeah..." repiled Bakura. "'Cept for Honda."

"WHY?" demanded the guy with the spiky hair.

Bakura clapped a hand to his mouth. "Oh..." he gasped. "I just... aw... damnitt..."

Honda glared firmly. "Bakura, why am I not going to the beach?"

Bakura stammered, then said, "Um... because... there's... not enough room for you in Jamie's car! Yeah! The seating arrangements have been worked out and you'll have to catch a taxi or something..."

Honda blinked, then shrugged. "Whatever..."

Bakura grinned, satisfied with himself.

How brilliant was he?

Anzu asked, "Am I going to the beach?"

Bakura smiled eerily. "Well, if you survive the night, which you most probably won't, yes, but- I can't give away any more of the plot, or else she'll force me into a bunny suit."

"That's not so bad..." said Seto.

"It is if you're forced to prance around singing Avril Lavigne's entire album backwards..."

Seto shuddered. "Don't say that, I have very bad recollections..."

Bakura stared. "Riiiight."

Yugi shoved Anzu off Yami and practically merged their forms as he clung to him. "My yami." he hissed angrily.

Anzu suddenly produced a gun and fired it, smirking. Yugi screamed and fell over backwards.

It was very dramatic.

Everyone gasped.

Seto knocked it out of her hand. "No guns!" he snapped.

Yami cried out. "YOU BITCH! YOU EVIL BITCH! I'LL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS, I SWEAR-" Bakura tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a pickaxe. "Or that..." he said, grinning.

FIVE BLOODY SECONDS LATER...

Bakura nodded. "What a fine job he's done- look at the care and passion he's used." He gestured to the body, and everyone clapped.

Yami approached Yugi. "Yugi?" he whispered, touching his face.

Yugi remained stiff, his eyes staring at the ceiling.

"Don't do this to me..." Yami pleaded. "I love you..."

Ryou sniffed, then grabbed Bakura's sweater and blew his nose on it. Bakura stepped away, looking in disgust at the mucus.

"Ryou, this sweater is cashmere..." he said dejectedly. "You've ruined it now, ruined it I tell you." He punched the wall. "RUINED IT!"

"It's so sad..." sobbed Ryou. Bakura abandoned his rage and hugged him.

"It'll be okay, don't cry..." he said soothingly.

Yugi suddenly sat up. "Just tricking!" he said brightly.

"AH, YUGI!" yelled Yami, jumping. He hugged him and kissed him on the lips. "Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ..."

TWO HOURS LATER...

"...ever ever do that again!" he said. "I thought she killed you!"

Bakura scowled. "You mean I have mucus on my shirt for nothing?" he demanded.

Yugi looked apologetic. "Sorry, Bakura..." He giggled. "But it was funny when you all started freaking out. She missed me by heaps." He blinked and looked with some disgust at Yami's hands. "You're up to your elbows in blood." he pointed out.

Yami looked and blushed. "I'm going to the bathroom...." he muttered, walking off, embarrassed.

Seto screamed out. "OH NO! THE OTHER MING VASE!" he yelled, grabbing his hair in frustration. "IT GOT SHOT! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?"

"I notice that you didn't seem to be screaming when we all thought Yugi got shot." said Ryou accusingly.

Set blinked. "Um... well... that.... ya see... I was... shocked... and paralysed with grief. Yes... paralysed with grief."

Jou tapped Seto on the shoulder. "Have you ever wanted to kiss someone?"

Awkward silence.

Seto blushed. "Um... how do you mean?"

"I mean-"

"Free, free... set them free..." Yugi jumped in hastily, shoving Jou into a wall and giving him a dirty look.

"Sting?" asked Honda, raising an eyebrow.

Yugi glared. "Hey, I'm not the one hanging on to I Am Pegasus (My Name Means Horse)..."

Honda sniffled. "You don't have to rip me off!" he cried, running away.

Yami returned, wondering how his fringe had suddenly gone purple.

He asked this question, and everyone shrugged.

Yugi sighed. "It's a very sad world where I can make people cry.

Yami blinked. "No, you're scary." he said, keeping a straight face.

Yugi shoved him. "Liar."

"I'm not lying. You are. Never again will I interrupt you during a mint assignment..."

Yugi shook his head, smiling.

"I mean, a simple, "Yami, get lost," would have done, but was it necessary to-"

"OKAY, that's enough," Yugi said, clamping a hand over Yami's mouth, aware that Mai and Jou were listening intently.

Seto headed towards the kitchen.

"And where the hell are you going?" asked Yugi suspiciously.

Seto stopped. "Look, this is my house."

/Not for much longer, mwahaha..../ Yugi said darkly in Yami's mind.

//... I'm just gonna ignore that...//

/Get the hell out of my mind!/

//Ryou?//

/Yeah, that's me./

//What the hell, why can I hear Yami and Yugi?//

/Can the readers actually understand who's who?/

//I doubt it...//

/They really should've used separate symbols.../

//She.//

/What?/

//Not THEY, SHE...//

/Oh, yeah..../

//I can't even tell who's who anymore...//

/Well, I think I'm Bakura.../

//No, you're not, I am!//

//No, I am!//

/SHUT UP! I CAN'T THINK!/

/You shut up, Pharaoh!/

/I'M NOT YAMI, I'M RYOU!/

/... I thought I was-/

/Well, you're not, so shut the hell up!/

//So who am I?//

//Like I know...//

//Who says I was asking you?//

/Well, who were you asking?/

//Ryou.//

/That's me./

/Maybe we should revert back to normal speech.../

/Maybe./

"What the hell was that?" asked Yami, rubbing his head.

"That's what I'd like to know." repiled Mai.

"You heard?" asked Ryou.

"No, but all four of you spaced out. Just stopped functioning."

Bakura held up his bleeding wrist. "Who did this?" he asked, looking ready to kill someone.

Honda raised his hand. Bakura twitched.

"You have three seconds to come up with a good explanation."

"Well, I-" Honda began.

"TOO LATE!" screamed Bakura, diving on him.

Everyone stared in horror as Bakura drew a knife from the pocket of his mucus-covered sweater.

"DON'T YOU DARE!" shrieked Ryou.

Bakura looked up. "But he-" he began to protest.

"I don't care! You do not stab people with knives!"

Bakura pouted, then made a sudden movement and slashed off Honda's hair.

Ryou shook his head. "Oh, God..." he sighed.

"DIE!" screeched Bakura, stabbing him with his hair.

Ryou's jaw dropped. "..."

Yami began laughing. "Oh, THAT is GENIUS...." he cried, applauding. "Re, what an ingenious way kill someone..." Yugi looked at him, worried.

Ryou slumped. "What did I just say?" he asked sadly.

Bakura felt a little guilty. "Aw... you didn't say anything about stabbing people with their own hair..."

Ryou considered. "You're right." he said, blinking. "Well... okay, then..."

"Exactly how many deaths are there going to be tonight?" asked Jou impatiently.

Yami cleared his throat. "I won Wimbledon." he said proudly.

Bakura looked scathing. "No, baka, you didn't. It was that Roger Federer guy."

Yami went all scary. "I AM Roger Federer... mwahaha...."

Bakura looked pityingly at him. "No, you're not."

Yami looked sad. "No, I'm not..."

"Why would you wanna be him?"

"'Cuz he won Wimbledon, der."

"There are many people who won Wimbledon. Why him?"

"I don't know..."

"You know our mental links are- GET BACK HERE, SETO, YOU STILL HAVEN'T SAID WHERE YOU'RE GOING!" screeched Yugi.

Seto broke into a run. "I HAVE TO GET SMASHED AGAIN! YOU'RE ALL DRIVING ME INSANE!"

"NO!" yelled Yugi. He turned to Yami. "Do something."

Yami looked despairingly at him, then sighed. "I'm sorry Seto." he said sadly.

A purple anvil suddenly fell out of the sky and missed Seto by an inch.

"WHOA!" yelled Seto, skidding to a halt.

Yami looked dismayed. "It missed..." he sighed.

Bakura's eyes widened. "Cool." he said. "Can you teach me how to do that?"

Yami shrugged. "I guess... but I want your immortal soul."

"I'll pass, thanks..." Bakura said dryly.

"Your loss. I've taken over many countries with that." Yami said monotonously.

Bakura froze, then scowled. "If you touched Bosnia-Herzegovina-"

"'Kura, I told you to leave the Bosnians alone!" snapped Ryou. "It's not their fault Pete Sampras retired!"

Bakura sniffed, and wiped a tear from his eye. "So many memories..." he spaced out, evidently going on a trip down memory lane. "I remember watching him win his seventh Wimbledon... I cried..."

Yami seemed touched. "So did I." he confessed.

"Oh, my GOD..." thought Yugi and Ryou, giving each other a worried look.

"And he finally proved them all wrong when he won the US Open last year..." sighed Bakura.

"Yes. It was just magical, wasn't it?" asked Yami.

"I LOVE TALKING TO YOU!" yelled Bakura, hugging him.

"SAME!" They both burst into tears.

"Okay, getting a leetle weird now..." Yugi said, grabbing Yami's arm.

"NO!" protested Yami. "TENNIS!"

"There's a closet over there." Yugi said.

"So wha-" Yami froze. "Oh. Oh. I'M THERE!" he bolted for it.

Yugi giggled and followed.

Bakura looked crushed. "He just left me..." he sobbed.

"Oh, snap out of it, 'Kura, you have me, don't you?" asked Ryou, putting an arm around his shoulder.

Bakura paused. "Yes. Yes I do."

"Youse are all crazy..." said Seto. "All of youse..."

"SETO, STOP TALKING LIKE A GREEK PERSON!" yelled Jou, snapping him.

BACK WITH OUR EVIL WANNABES....

"Where the HELL is Yami Clone?!" demanded Evil Seto.

"I don't know..." repiled Rex, stretching out on the couch.

Weevil shoved a nail through his thumb. "That is NOT like the movie..." he said as blood began rushing out.

"NO! I JUST FINISHED CLEANING THE FRICKIN' TABLE!" shrieked Rex, outraged.

The phone rang, and Pegasus picked it up.

"Why, hello, this is the STF HQ, how may I help you today?" he said brightly.

"Uh... can you put Weevil on the phone?" said a raspy voice.

"Yes. Whom shall I say is calling?"

"... Some dude."

"WEEVIL! IT'S SOME DUDE!" Pegasus yelled, holding out the phone.

Weevil took it with his non-bleeding hand. "Yello?" he said.

He paused as he listened, getting slowly paler, then set the phone down in its cradle.

"What-" began Pegasus, before he was interrupted by him screaming.

BACK AT SETO'S...

Yami opened the door, and he and Yugi emerged.

"What the hell were you doing in there?" asked Ryou, thinking he had a pretty good idea.

Yami sighed and wordlessly held up a Chinese checkers board.

Boy, was Ryou wrong...

"NEVER try to play this in the dark..." Yugi said seriously.

Yami tensed. "Somebody had a loud screaming voice..." he said, rubbing his ears. "Ow..."

Bakura, however, was convulsing. "ARGH, THAT'S WAY TOO HIGH-PITCHED!" he yelled, shoving a pillow over his head.

Yugi blinked. "I can't hear anything..." he said, confused.

"HULLO!" shrieked Malik, waving in Seto's face.

Seto blanched, looking scared.

"Hey, hey, hey, Seto, how come you never said anything about this little shindig at your place?" demanded Marik, looking accusing.

"..."

"What the doodly-doo-shabbadoos is wrong with him?" demanded Malik.

"Are you on drugs?" asked Jou.

Malik shrugged. "Maybe... probably..."

Marik vibrated scarily. "Well, if drugs are those little bright pink and orange thingies that are all sour and that, then, yes, I am on drugs, and I am proud of it!"

"No, yami, those are Nerds." corrected Malik.

"Ah, yes, Nerds..." Marik said evilly.

He and his hikari proceeded to cackle evilly for a bit.

Yami cleared his throat. "I own Bosnia-Herzegovina..."

Marik looked disappointed. "Aw, damn..."

"And I have a clone."

There was silence.

"How'd ya get Bosnia-Herzegovina?" asked Marik.

"Why the hell does everyone want Bosnia-Herzegovina?" demanded Mai.

"Don't you KNOW?" asked the yamis as one voice, looking stunned.

"No." repiled Mai quickly.

They all made a noise of scorn, then huddled into a group, whispering.

"... Are they plotting?" asked Yugi incredulously.

"Together?" asked Ryou, in the same tone.

"Holy crap..." Malik said.

Bakura turned. "Could you... get out?" he asked. "We're busy..."

Ryou glared. "Oh? With what, exactly?"

"Stuff."

"Stuff? STUFF?" Ryou's voice was starting to become strangely high-pitched.

"Let's go, Ryou..." Yugi said, grabbing him by the collar and dragging him out.

"WELL-!" Malik clamped a hand over Ryou's mouth and assisted Yugi in dragging him from the room.

Bakura shook his head. "He looks cute and innocent, but he just goes crazy sometimes..."

Marik stared, then did the Darkwing Duck pose. "I am the lord of purple peppers, mwahahahahaha!"

Yami blinked. "... Okay, then...."

Bakura shrugged. "I say we challenge him to a tennis match."

"Yeah, then what do we do if he's... really good?" asked Marik.

Bakura blushed. "Shuttup." he grumbled.

"Let's force him to read Stephen King!" suggested Yami, looking all evil.

"Stephen King isn't scary..." sighed Marik, looking incredulous. He giggled. "It's funny. Like in Children of the Corn, what they did to Vicky was just hilarious..."

Yami stared, then whistled and made the crazy sign. "That was sick..." he said.

"No, it was funny. I laughed out loud."

"You said you couldn't read!" cried Bakura.

Marik blinked. "No, dumbass, I said I didn't read if I could help it... but one day I was bored and Night Shift was just sitting there on the table-"

"We have vengeance plots to plan!" Yami interrupted.

"HANG-HANG-HANG!" shrieked Marik, miming using a chainsaw.

"Nah, it's been done..." Yami disagreed.

"Aw, picky-picky, Pharaoh..." muttered Marik.

"Yeah, excuse us for not BEING UP TO YOUR STANDARDS, OH GREAT ONE!" Bakura yelled sarcastically.

"Settle, Gretel..." Marik said.

"My name isn't Gretel..." Bakura said, confused.

Yami and Marik rolled their eyes in exasperation.

END CHAPTER 5