I didn't mean to lash out at Mom, but her being so peppy all of the time is really getting on my friggin nerves. I'm going to be shipped of to the loony bin tomorrow.
I don't want to go. I'll go for a few months, say all of the right things, act like everything is OK, and then I can get on with my pitiful life.
Maybe next time I can be more effective.
~~*~~
"I don't want to go, but I know I have to if I want to get better," I finally admitted to Mom today.
"That's the spirit! We'll beat this!"
Something in that tone of voice, as if she didn't understand how I felt, just set me off. Anger began to bubble inside of me like I haven't felt in years.
"Come again? Did you say we? Excuse me, but it wasn't you who took the razor and sliced her arm every day because she was trying to feel emotion, was it? Was it you who almost died on an overdose? You have no friggin' idea what I'm going through. WE will not fight this. I will. If I feel like it."
I was shaking. I turned around, blocking Mom off. When I turned back around, she was gone. I guess she went to the cafeteria.
I haven't told anyone this, but I found screw in my other room before being moved in here. I've scratched my leg with it a couple of times, including after I blew up at Mom. It doesn't bring blood, but that's not too important right now.
I go to sleep soon after
~~*~~
Vista Dal Sar looks a lot different than the pictures I've seen. It is so grey, which may be part of my mood, but the clouds blocked out the sun whenever I went to be admitted. The pool is small, with too much chlorine. It doesn't need to overwhelm someone when they are even in the pool. Just enough with the testing kits.
The gym is a bit better. I'll be able to go when I've gained 10 pounds for 10 minutes 2 times a week. I don't want to have to 'gain' my privileges.
I haven't seen the school yet, but I'm sure I'll hate it.
After the grand tour, I'm taken to the front reception area. I'll be taken back to the lockdown ward in the middle of the building. Like a prison. I have to work my way out.
I won't see Mom in two weeks. I try to make this goodbye last.
I squeeze her hard, and she says, "I love you, Meggie." I hate that nic-name, but I let her get away with it. This time.
"I love you too, mom."
I'm sure she went out to the car and cried.
~~*~~
I'm taken to the lockdown area. Nurse what's-her-name had to strip-search me, to make sure I have no weapons or drugs. She doesn't find the screw. It's in between my gum and cheek.
First full day at Vista Dal Sar. Group Therapy. Hi, my name is Jane Blow, and I like to drink too much, or my name is Jolene Doe, and I like to shoplift, or my name is...
Hello, I'm Meg Rhyan and I like to slice my arm and drink my blood. I also don't eat, and I want to be a bag of bones.
It's not the entire truth, but it's close enough.
I miss Jesse.
The group leader, Marne Scotch, is getting on my nerves. He keeps pressing and pressing all of my buttons. But I'm not going to go off on him, because that's what he wants me to do. I'm going to hold out until he gives up. I've been told that I'm a lot stronger than I look. We're to call him Mr. Scotch. I know I'm going to slip up one day and call him Mr. Butter Scotch.
I used to take voice lessons, and would have to go on voice rest for weeks at a time. Maybe I can utilize that here. That way I don't have to talk.
I have a roommate, Beverly Mays. She seems nice, but I'm not going to get too close. I'm not going to get too close to anyone because I don't plan on staying here for very long. I've been told that after I get out of lockdown, it's sort of easy to escape.
~~*~~
I finally did what I said I would never do. I lashed out at Mr. Scotch. He asked my why I cut. I said because I felt like it. He asked my why, over and over and over and over again, and I finally just broke, and began screaming and crying. I felt like a fool. Beverly was moved to the next level. I miss her. Maybe once I get out there I won't run away. It depends.
I really miss Jesse. I have only two more days of lockdown, and I can have two 3-minute phone calls a week. Also, I can have one visitor. I'm sure Mom will be the visitor for the first time. After that, maybe Jesse can visit. I miss talking to him about anything. I know I wasn't forthcoming about most things while talking to him, but I did feel better, if only for a little while.
I feel like a fat pig. I've gained 5 pounds. I weigh 95 pounds. I haven't really purged much before, but if worse comes to worst, I may. I don't really want to, because it screws my voice up too much. I purged for about 2 times a day for three weeks, and I was so hoarse I couldn't hit the C on the third space on the treble clef.
~~*~~
Mom comes to visit today. Oh. Joy. I have cleaned and cleaned and straightened and straightened over and over again. Beverly can't believe my energy. It's nervous energy. I don't really know how I'm going to react.
I have been roomed with Beverly again. I don't know how I really feel about her. She is a friend, but I don't know if she's more than that, or even if I should be worried if she is.
Mom is here. It's almost schizophrenic. We're talking about the weather, when we should be talking about how I am. I don't want to bring it up, and neither does she. Fine with me.
"How's Jesse?" I ask.
"He's been asking about you. He said that when he could, he would come up to visit. Mark, Steve, and Amanda have been asking about you, too."
"Ok. Tell them I miss them, and I send them my love," I say. Why does my voice have to shake so much?
The nurse announces in the family room that it's time for visitors to start wrapping up their visit.
Mom stands up, and I follow suite. "I love you, Meggie," she mumbles as she hugs me. There's the nic-name again.
"I love you, too, Mom."
