The lyrics are from the song Hurt, done by both Nine Inch Nails and Johnny Cash. I personally like the Johnny Cash version better... anyways, sorry it's been a couple of days. I have a vocal competition on the 10th, and I've been preparing for that. Also, my computer has been messing up severely.
I made a B in AP US History!!! Oh Yeah!!
Anyways, on with the chapter.
~~*~~*~~
I go to visit Meg tomorrow. Her mom visited last week, and she asked me to go to visit this time. I hear Meg misses me.
I have thought and prayed a lot the last few weeks... no, months. Ramona said that Meg has gained weight. I hope so. She was too thin. She was actually emaciated.
I don't know what to expect, so I'm just hoping for the best.
~~*~~
"Jesse! Stop pacing, will ya?" Amanda practically shouts at me in the doctor's lounge. I don't blame her. Today is the day I go to visit Meg. I'm scared. The events in the past month have reawakened feelings in me that I tried to forget.
It's not that easy.
"I'll try," I tell Amanda. She looks at me.
"What's wrong?" she asks. "You haven't been yourself the past few months."
I haven't told her about me attempting suicide. I meant to, but I guess I haven't got around to it yet.
It's time for a talk.
I gesture to one of the tables in the lounge. "I have something to tell you," I say. Damn! Why does my voice have to shake so?
"Ok," Amanda says, sitting down. She looks at me, expectantly. I sit down. It feels like to the electric chair.
"Meg, and everything with her has awakened repressed feeling that I thought I had a good hold on. When I was 16, I tried to kill myself," I say, staring at a coffee stain on the table, afraid to look at her.
"Oh, Jesse. I'm sorry. I didn't know," Amanda said, putting her hand on mine.
"That's because I didn't tell you," I said.
"Well, you just told me. I still care for you. You are my friend," she said. I looked up, and saw that she was telling the truth. We both got up and she wrapped her arms around me.
~~*~~
The drive to the Vista was long. Not in miles, it was only about 20 miles from Community General, just in time. In anticipation.
And fear.
I was met by a big sign that said "Vista Dal Sar, where we heal the whole person, not just treat them". I had to smile at that. I remember that type of propaganda when I was hospitalized.
Meg has gained a little weight, but not much. At least her collarbones aren't protruding as much.
She hugged me tightly and when I released her, she pinched 1/4th inch on her stomach and gripped about gaining weight.
"Meg, you don't understand. You're underweight. Do you know what you're supposed to weight at your height?"
"Yeah, 130-145. They want to fatten me up like a fatted calf."
I had to smile at that analogy. "No, they want to make you healthy."
"Right, whatever. How's work?"
"It's fine. I have a nice triple shift coming up next week."
"Ouch! Caffeine IV drip, large bore, wide open, for me, STAT!" she said, imitating me.
I rolled my eyes. "Right, if you say so."
"I bet you wish that there was IV caffeine, though," she said.
"You're right," I admitted.
"How are Amanda, Mark, and Steve?"
"They are working hard. Steve solved a couple of murders this week."
"Great, two more evil criminals off the street!" she said.
"One guy actually was a drag queen. He killed the manager of a club in between sets. If his perfume hadn't broken in his purse, he would have never been caught."
"That's interesting! What about the other case?"
We sat, discussing the other case, Mr. Scotch, (Butter, anyone?), and where she wanted to go to college (Juilliard. I knew she sang from time to time, but not THAT well. Move over Cecilia Bartoli.), and her lamenting over having to gain 5 more pounds to go to the gym.
"I'll lose my muscle by the time I get back," she whined.
"Maybe you won't."
"Right, you're a doctor. You know it can take only a couple of weeks to lose muscle mass."
"Maybe you could flex your arms and legs a lot until you get to go back," I suggested.
"Maybe, or... DUH! Push-ups! What was I thinking?" she said.
"Everyone, it's time to wrap up your visit. Thank you family members and doctor," the nurse said, batting her eyes at me, making me blush, "for coming today."
We stand up, and she gives me another hug.
"Bye, Jesse. Tell everyone I send my love," Meg says as we part ways.
"Ok, Meg. I hope you get better soon," I said.
Her eyes narrowed a bit, but she smiled. "Ok, Doc. See ya later."
~~*~~
"Hey Mark, I just got back from seeing Meg. She says hi and sends her love."
"Thanks, Jesse. How is she?"
"She's gained 5 pounds. She's complaining that she's a fat pig. I guess to her, she is, though."
"That's the big thing with anorexia. Everyone sees her as emaciated, starved, but she sees herself as being fat." We stood in silence for a few minutes. "I have rounds to do. I'll see you later," he said as he went down the hall.
"Ok, Mark. See you later."
~~*~~
I'm driving to my apartment, when I hear it.
"...hurt myself today..." I turn the song up on my radio. Is that Johnny Cash?
"...focus on the pain, the only thing that's real. The needle tears a hole..."
It hit me. This must be how Meg feels when she cuts. I pull over before it's too late. The tears that are in my eyes are blinding me. This is not the first time I've cried in the past month. It won't be the last, either.
"...what have I become, my sweetest friend..."
