I thought it was finally time for Steve to get his say in all of this, so here he is.  Amanda will be next.

Anyway, here goes.

~~*~~

I felt so helpless watching Jesse sobbing like a baby.  What do I do?  How can I make the pain go away?

I just wanted to hug him, to make it go away, but I was afraid.  Of what, I don't know.  I swallowed it down, and moved to sit by him.  I automatically put my arms around him, and he fell against my chest, holding on to my shirt for dear life.

For now, all I can do is hold him.  Dad went to the kitchen, and a few minutes later, I smell coffee starting to brew.  We all are going to have a long talk.

~~*~~

"Sorry," Jesse mumbled to the floor.

"Jesse, if you apologize again, I'll make you HAVE to apologize.  You have nothing to be sorry for," I said.

"I know, but s..." he started until he saw the warning look on my face.  He gives me a small smile.  The first in a long time.

We both enter the kitchen, and Jesse is immediately drawn to the steaming cup already poured out for him.  He doesn't drink immediately; he just holds it in his shaking hands.

He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, opens his eyes again, and begins to talk.  "I don't know why I've been so, um, emotionally disregulated lately, but it's affecting everyone," he said with a strained voice.  He winces at the use of emotionally disregulated, as if it were a painful thing to say. 

It must be for him.

"I've tried for so long to keep everything under control, but it's killing me.  And it's not helping anyone else either," he admitted.  A look of shame crossed his features.  I bite my lip, not knowing what to do.

"You know we're here for you, Jesse," Dad says.  Jesse nods, trying to hold back more tears that are threatening to fall.  "Whatever help you need, we will try to get it for you," he assures Jesse.  Jesse nods again, a tear slipping down his face.

"We care for you, and what happens to you," I pipe in.  He opens his eyes, and stares into mine.

"Thank you," he whispers.  He gets up, and announces he's going to take a walk on the beach to think.

~~*~~

"What can we do?" I ask as Jess passes the log where I go to think.

"One, we can be there for him," Dad says.

"He's got that."

"Try to get him help.  I hadn't realized how deep this depression was until he started talking about it."

"What about his arms?  He's been wearing long sleeves for a while, and it's the end of June.  Have you seen them?" I ask.

"No.  I was thinking about that earlier.  Maybe it's nothing, but I have this feeling," he said.

"Me too."  We fall into companionable silence for a few minutes.

"Oh!  Meg might get out for July 4th for the day," he mentioned.

"That's great.  How much longer does she have until she can go back to the gym?  I know she was mentioning that quite a bit."

"Yesterday, she said that she was going today.  That means she has gained 10 pounds back," I said.

"That's great," I said.  We spend the next 30 minutes talking about Meg and Jesse, or until Jesse comes back to the house.

"Think things through?" Dad asks.

"Some of them."  He hesitates before telling the next thing.  "I, um, I-i" he begins, his face at first turning white, and then a deep red.  He takes a deep breath and sits down.  He begins again.  "IhavebeendoingwhatMeghas," he mumbles out.

"What?" Dad asks.  "Slow down," he says.

Jesse takes a deeper breath, and in a soft voice, he begins again.  "I have been doing what Meg has been doing," he said, enunciating each word.

"Like what?" I ask.

"Not eating, hitting my arms against hard objects to make bruises.  That's why I've been wearing long sleeves.  I guess that a "surfing accident" started becoming suspicious."

He looks at Dad, and he knew.  He knew that we knew.  Shame and fear crosses his face as he studies a spot on the carpet intently.

"Jesse, it'll be all right," I say quietly.  He nods again.  Dad goes to hug him as I call Amanda.  I fill her in on everything and she says she'll be over as soon as she could.

~~*~~

"Jesse, honey," she says as she envelops him in a soothing hug.  He stiffens at first, but then allows himself to be comforted.

"Hi, Amanda," he says.  She breaks off the hug, and runs her hand down the side of his face.

"I'm here for you," she says.  That must be getting annoying for Jesse, but he just gives Amanda a small smile.  "Come here, you," she said, hugging him again.

Dad motions me to come into the kitchen to talk.  I enter the kitchen, and get a mug of coffee.

After I take a gulp, Dad says, "You know Dr. May, don't you?"

"The name sounds familiar.  I think so," I said.

"He's one the best psychiatrist on staff at Community General.  In fact, he's one of the best on the west coast.  He has a lot of experience in, um, impulse control disorders such as eating disorders and self-injury issues," he says.

"You think we can get Jesse in?"

"That's what I'm hoping.  I'll talk to him tomorrow."

"Ok," I say.  "I don't think he should stay by himself," I say.

Dad nods in agreement.  "I was going to suggest he stay here for awhile."

"Ok.  Let's go talk to him."

We both go back to the living room area to find him asleep on the couch.  Amanda puts a finger to her lips and whispers, "He cried himself out, so I told him to lay down for a little bit."

We take Amanda outside to talk.

~~*~~