Ha, I'm back! Good news too, SAT scores came back and Niamh will be attending college! Plus they give my a 'get out of jail free' card for a while, every time my parents get pissed I can just wave that blessed piece of paper in front of their faces, it is wonderful! Bad news comes attached to that though, I will be gone for the rest of this week to go visit colleges and then, on the ah…15th or something I have to go to Atlanta and I'll be gone for a week or so, but I'll try to get done what I can while I'm still here, there is only one more chapter after this one (I think) but Misery is far from finished.
Before I start this chapter I want to thank everyone for reviewing, I don't think I have any questions I need to answer this time (if I missed yours I'm sorry, feel free to yell at me) so I'll just say a blanket 'thanks!'
Oh wait, Sadie Joyce-Myst Lady should get one of her own, she was one of the first to review (actually I think she was the first, but don't quote me on that, ff.net won't let me in right now to check). I think I have lost her though, that's sad, I liked her, she was nice. So if you are still reading this Thanks! (Sorry if I spelled your name wrong, as I said, ff.net isn't letting me in right now).
"Beauty can be disappointed of its children. The worst thing about being a woman is that things can be begot on us, things we do not want, cannot manage, cannot control. We swell to fruitation with disasters implanted in us against out wills. We spew out tragedy. And all the disaster and the tragedy, though begot upon us against out volition, is part us. How much, we wonder. How much was me? What could I have changed?"
"Beauty does not breed true…Mixed with dross, it becomes dross."
-Beauty, Sherri S. Tepper
"So what's the plan now?" Mamoru asked the next morning. He had stayed with me through the night, had held me while I slept, or at least while I tried to sleep.
"What do you mean?" I asked sitting on the bed, munching the piece of toast he'd brought me.
"Where do we go from here? When does Sailor Moon come back?"
"She doesn't," I said softly, my heart sinking.
"What do you mean?" Mamoru asked, coming to sit next to me on the bed, taking my hands in his.
"I gave up the crystal."
Mamoru's eyes widened, "What?"
"Mina has it, I-I couldn't keep it. If I had…if I'd kept that kind of power I would have destroyed the world long ago."
"And Neo-Queen Serenity?"
"Will now be Neo-Queen Mina." I couldn't help giggling, that sounded so strange, but in another minute I was serious again. "Mamoru," I said softly " I'll understand if you…you could go to Mina if you wanted, I'd…I'd understand."
Mamoru smiled softly and pulled me into his arms. "Sorry Usako," he said smiling "can't do that. I seem to be connected to you, like a little string tied just beneath my ribs. When you go away it hurts so much I can hardly stand it."
"But if you stay you can't be king."
"The power never mattered Usako, you mattered."
"But my face…" I was fishing now and I knew it, but I didn't care, this was something I had to hear.
"I told you Usako, we're connected you and I. When you went away…I did everything I could think of…but it hurt so much…finally I decided to disappear too, I thought…I thought that maybe if I went away too I would be able to find you…when I heard you'd come back…nothing else mattered. We could both be quadriplegics and we'd still be connected. I swear you could be just a head in a jar and I'd still love you."
I couldn't help the giggle that bubbled out of me, and for a while at least, all the doubt and pain and fear was washed away to be replaced with a wonderful comfort. "That was gross." I whispered.
"I know." He said, gently kissing my forehead.
Suddenly a horrible sense of dread washed over me. "Mamoru," I whispered frightened, "I'm pregnant."
He laughed at me, kissing my nose. "Really?" he said in mock surprise. "Are you sure?"
"I hit him playfully on the arm. "Shut up." I muttered, "I just realized I hadn't told you."
"I noticed." He said, pulling me closer.
"Mamoru," I whispered pulling away, "I don't know who the father is."
"Haven't you been listening Usako? He murmured, pulling me near again, "do I have to go over the head in a jar again? I love you, it doesn't matter." I smiled softly as he kissed me again.
I moved into an apartment with Mamoru not long after that. We were relatively happy, all things considered. I learned how to do enough of the household work to help him out; I even learned to cook a little. We stayed mostly to ourselves, I had gained enough confidence to stop wearing the veil, but a person could only handle being gawked at for so long. Still, we could not stay completely to ourselves, the scouts visited, and there was the thing…the child. It was due soon, any day now the doctor said; mostly I tried not to think about it. I was at the stove when the first contraction came.
"Mamoru!" I cried as loudly as I could, gritting my teeth through the pain, "Mamoru!"
Mamoru came hurrying into the kitchen. "What is it?" he exclaimed, "What's wrong?"
"The thing," I whispered, "the child, it's coming!"
Mamoru's eyes widened as he raced to the door, "Ok, lets go!"
"Mamoru!"
"What?"
"I
need help!"
"Oh, of course." He came and put an arm around my waist to help me to the door.
"Mamoru!" I cried again.
"What is it?"
"The bags, we need the bags."
"Right." He said, leaving me for a moment to grab the pre-packed bags that sat just inside the door of our room. After that we hobbled awkwardly to his car and raced off toward the hospital.
Labor was a blur of pain and fear for me. I remember Mamoru sitting next to me, holding my hand and speaking softly. I remember the contractions as they tore through me faster and faster, and I remember the single question that reverberated in my mind "When it comes out, will I be able to tell who the father was?"
Finally, eight hours after we'd arrived at the hospital the baby came. I stayed awake just long enough to hear the doctor say, "It's a boy!" before I passed out.
When I awoke the room was bright and nearly empty. The nurses the doctor, the child were all gone; the only one left was Mamoru, who sat slumped in a chair, asleep. I pushed the button to call the nurse and he awoke, smiling lazily at me. I smiled back at him but when the nurse came I struggled to swallow the bile that was quickly rising in my throat.
"Yes?" She said expectantly.
"I was wondering if I could see the…if I might see my son." The words tasted bitter in my mouth, 'my son', I had almost said 'the thing'.
"Of course." The nurse said smiling. "I'll just go get him." She scurried out of the room.
I wanted to see him. I wanted to see the child because I wanted to know, I wanted to know who the father was. Even so my heart had lodged itself in my throat and my hands shook at the thought of seeing the child of my torture, I was afraid. Mamoru had seen my distress and had come to stand by the bed, gently grasping my hand. The only thing that kept me sane while we waited was a mantra that I chanted over and over to myself. 'He's half mine' I repeated silently in my mind, 'he's half mine, he's half mine, he's half mine.' The mantra worked for a while, I suppose, because the first thing I saw when they laid him in my arms were his crystal blue eyes, so clear, so innocent, so much like my own.
I still amazes me how calm I had become, even as I pulled off that little blue hat, even as a terrible sense of foreboding settled in my stomach, it was like I wasn't even there, I had hidden deep within myself, insulating myself from the truth. As I took off his hat and stared at that loud proclamation of who he was I barely even shook.
"Strange isn't it?" The nurse said from beside me.
"Impossible" I whispered, "he never…" But something else tugged at my memory, something I had almost forgotten, 'The past affects the future affects the past.' Even as I slowly replaced the blue hat, I was still calm.
"What are you going to name him?" the nurse asked.
"Trunks" I said and I tucked the last strand of lavender hair beneath the cap, "his name is Trunks." I no longer cared who the father was.
I wondered a lot if…if I had kept the child, if I had raised him as if-as if I loved him, as if I wanted him, if that would have made things different, changed what had happened, the past affects the future affects the past right? But as I looked at the constant reminder of what had happened, as I watched the shadow growing, the feral glint in his eye that I knew too well, I knew that I could never keep him, could never love him. So I was forced to put my past in the hands of Social Services, knowing ahead of time that they would fail. Nevertheless, Mamoru and I took the child to their office and they promised me that they would give him a good home, and even though I knew it was a lie I gave them the boy, turned my back and willingly walked away from the only chance I would ever have to change things.
Ohhhh! One more chapter! I promise that it will contain many of the explanations you have been longing for, but I can't promise when it will be out. If you are bored, go check out Misery, I hope to put up the next chapter soon (and it has a much more visible and follow-able plot than this one [that was just for you Almaseti, sorry I couldn't fix that in this story for you, it was just too weird]), Misery also promises to be longer than Moonstruck (and less confusing, HA!).
Well review if you feel like it, they make me happy!
