I actually didn't have any idea where I was going with this chapter. It
was written in various classrooms on various days while I was bored with
the various topics my professors were lecturing on. I think it sucks, but
here it is anyway.
Transvestives are men who like to eat, drink, and be Mary
Chapter Six: Crazy
"He's not going to go through with it."
"Yeah he is."
"Isn't"
"Is!"
Harry and Ron continued to argue back and forth for a full five minutes before Ginny had finally had enough. "Will you two shut up! Of course he'll go through with it."
"Oi! And how do you know that?"
"Because I know Snape"
"Ha! As if anyone could really know that greasy old bastard!"
"Contrary to popular belief, Mr. Weasley, my parents were happily wed when I was conceived, now shut your sodding trap before I disembowel you and feed your entrails to the cat."
Ron paled visibly. "Yes, sir."
Snape smiled a very wicked, wicked smile. "Good. Miss Granger?"
"Sir?"
"I will be needing your assistance backstage momentarily to help me. . . prepare."
Help Snape put make-up on?! "Of ourse, sir."
"I thank you for any assistance you will ba able to provide. You were saying, Miss Weasley?"
Not one to be easily daunted, Ginny launched into her explanation. "Well, there's two things everyone knows about you sir."
A sardonic smile. "And those two things are?"
"Well, first off you're stubborn as all hell." Ah, the Weasley subtlety clearly was not lost on its youngest offspring.
"Charmingly put." His voice was so dripping in sarcasm that they would need five mops to clean it all up.
"And you hate Sirius black with the fiery vengeance of a thousand suns. Therefore, if he challenged you to do anything, no matter what it was, you would rise to the occasion because a) you hate him with the aforementioned passion and b) you're stubborn as all hell."
"Again, charmingly put. A wise deduction, Miss Weasley. Twenty points to Gryffindor for your intuition."
"Cripes!" A delighted outburst from Ginny. From Harry and ron, it was an outburst of pure shock.
"And thirty points from Gryffindor for presuming too much." Delivered with an unholy glint in his evil eye and amusement and glee in his tone,
"You Manky Git!" An outraged outburst from the Trio of Doom.
"So I'm told. Good day." Snape turned and walked away as stealthily as he had approached him. Damn, the man was smooth.
*****
Hermione walked backstage to see snape packing back and forth in a moat agitated matter and muterrring increasingly inventive curses.
"Sir?"
he turned abruptly, relief evident in his features. "Oh thank god. A female."
"is there a problem sir?"
"Well, yes." He shifted uncomfortably in place. "you see. . .Damn it! I haven't a thing to wear!"
Hermione burst out laughing.
*****
Ten minutes later, Hermione's now famous blue dress had been charmed to fit Professor Snape, with a few small adjustments. There was now a slit running down the right side, starting high up on Snape's thigh. The dress' color had also been changed to a pure, even black. The bodice had been charmed to give the appearance of gentle curves, instead of the solid angular lines that were the reality of Snape's body. Snape's hair had been curled outwards and the results were surprisingly attractive. The curls softened the angles of his face and made him look twenty years younger, for some strange unknown reason. His eyes had been heavily lined with black kohl that had then been followed by a generous layer of black eyeshadow and silver glitter which had softened his face even more. It was hard to look dark and foreboding when your face was covered in shiny crap, after all.
"Are you sure you really want to go through with this, Sir?" Hermione's voice was laden with doubt, and for obvious reasons.
"Of course I do, Granger. Do you really think I am going to let Black make an ass of me?" The deep, masculine voice, coming from the bodice-clad body on front of her was more than a bit amusing.
"It seems as if you're doing a fine job of that on your own, sir." She had to say that. It was too good an opportunity to pass up.
"You just shut up and put that mascara on me without putting my eye out." He sounded rather annoyed.
"Yes sir." Meek now.
"And does this lipstick look too pink on me?" He sounded charmingly insecure.
"No sir. It looks wonderful." It did, it really did. It was a deep velvety red that made his teeth look very white and his skin look attractively pale instead of merely sallow.
"It damned well better. It's yours."
"Remind me to burn that later."
*****
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I present for your viewing pleasure, Madame Snape."
Cheers, catcalls, boos, and applause died out the instant the curtains parted. It was widely known that severus snape was not known to be a devastatingly attractive man. One thing was now very certain. For all his aesthetic deficiencies as a man, Severus Snape made a damn fine woman.
"Crazy "
It was incredibly hard to believe that underneath the Black satin and makeup and fishnets was Greasy Git Snape. For one thing, the (wo)man onstage had breasts.
"I'm crazy for feeling so lonely"
On closer inspection, one could see the red marks on his legs which, not ten minutes ago, had received their first waxing. And the buxom was the result of Hermion'es clever thinking, some spare socks and a strategically placed illusion spell.
"I'm crazy crazy for feeling so blue"
The figure onstage (many still doubted it was Snape) walk seductively across the stage in five inch heels that had last been seen on the feet of Sirius Black. Hermione, who had rejoined her friends after having helped Madame Snape prepare, sat back and watched her creation saunture back and forth across the stage with the practiced ease of a seasoned lounge act, or a burlesque dancer.
"I knew you'd love me as long as you wanted"
Hermione leaned over Harry and whispered loudly to Ginny, "Snape looks better in that dress than I did. Excuse my whilst I weep in a corner and mourn my utter lack of femininity."
"If that thing onstage is femininity, then I'm better of being gay."
"so you would rather be gay then date Madame Snape."
"Yes. Yes I would."
"hmm.interesting"
"and here I thought you already were gay." A snide remark from the slytherin corner
"Oi! Shove it malfoy! At least my head of stage doesn't go poncing around like a bloody flamer!"
"No, but your godfather does."
"He's got you there, Harry."
"and at least Draco can say that Snape looks better doing it."
"And then some day you'd leave me for somebody new." Snape's voice flowed through the hall like silk, husky and potent. "Worry. . .Why do I let myself worry wondering what in the world did I do?"
Was he looking at me? Why would he look at me? Damn it Hermione! Get a hold of yourself. He's not looking at you. He's just. . . .staring at you. No, he's not. Quit imagining things and pay attention to how hot he is in that dress. Damn it. He does look better in that dress than you did.
"Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you" He was looking at her.
"I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying and I'm crazy for loving you" Why was he looking at her?
Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you"
The cat-calls and applause were starting again. And he was still looking at her.
"I'm crazy for trying"
'Despite the fact that you are in women's garments, you are still a grown man, Severus snape. Stop staring at her. Just because her blouse is a bit open doesn't give you the right to stare, you letcher.' Snape was having a hard time controlling his inner demons.
"And crazy for crying"
Meanwhile, Hermione wondered, 'is there something in my hair? No, everything's fine in that department. Is my blouse unbuttoned? Oh god!'
"And I'm crazy for loving you"
'You certainly are, you poor bastard." Snape thought snidely to himself as he walked offstage amidst applause and fanfare. 'Wait, no!' His inner poor bastard laughed. 'Too late! You admitted it! You love her.' He growled out loud, "Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a q-tip!"
*****
"thank you everyone for your participation. That will be all. auditions are now over." Everyone cheered Dumbledore's announcement. Snape immediatley protested.
"Minerva didn't audition!"
'Yes she did"
"She most certainly did not!"
"She did so"
"Did not!"
"did so"
"Not"
"So"
"Not"
"So"
And so it went that the two most powerful men in Hogwarts engaged in a battle of wills that lasted twenty minutes. They were still at it when everyone finally got tired of listening to it and went to bed.
I freely admit this chapter was rather sucky. It was a bit rushed and I have a mild (MILD!) bought of the dreaded block. But Fear not, dear readers! I have more escapades and hijinx in mind for our unconventional cast. Next chapter: the lists are posted, the players are cast and a venture into Muggle London to catch a midnight showing and Experience Rocky Horror firsthand! Cast and crew take the rock Oath! Egads! Thank you and Enjoy the show.
The song sung by Madame Snape was the Immortal Patsy Cline's "Crazy." Whenever I hear that song, I feel like curling up on the couch with a bottle of tequila and getting piss drunk. I love that song, but it's so sad. It's a good drinking song. And her voice is beautiful. It's all husky and emotional. She sings like she's really crying. I love Patsy Cline. Patsy Cline is cool.
Be Kind, Review.
Transvestives are men who like to eat, drink, and be Mary
Chapter Six: Crazy
"He's not going to go through with it."
"Yeah he is."
"Isn't"
"Is!"
Harry and Ron continued to argue back and forth for a full five minutes before Ginny had finally had enough. "Will you two shut up! Of course he'll go through with it."
"Oi! And how do you know that?"
"Because I know Snape"
"Ha! As if anyone could really know that greasy old bastard!"
"Contrary to popular belief, Mr. Weasley, my parents were happily wed when I was conceived, now shut your sodding trap before I disembowel you and feed your entrails to the cat."
Ron paled visibly. "Yes, sir."
Snape smiled a very wicked, wicked smile. "Good. Miss Granger?"
"Sir?"
"I will be needing your assistance backstage momentarily to help me. . . prepare."
Help Snape put make-up on?! "Of ourse, sir."
"I thank you for any assistance you will ba able to provide. You were saying, Miss Weasley?"
Not one to be easily daunted, Ginny launched into her explanation. "Well, there's two things everyone knows about you sir."
A sardonic smile. "And those two things are?"
"Well, first off you're stubborn as all hell." Ah, the Weasley subtlety clearly was not lost on its youngest offspring.
"Charmingly put." His voice was so dripping in sarcasm that they would need five mops to clean it all up.
"And you hate Sirius black with the fiery vengeance of a thousand suns. Therefore, if he challenged you to do anything, no matter what it was, you would rise to the occasion because a) you hate him with the aforementioned passion and b) you're stubborn as all hell."
"Again, charmingly put. A wise deduction, Miss Weasley. Twenty points to Gryffindor for your intuition."
"Cripes!" A delighted outburst from Ginny. From Harry and ron, it was an outburst of pure shock.
"And thirty points from Gryffindor for presuming too much." Delivered with an unholy glint in his evil eye and amusement and glee in his tone,
"You Manky Git!" An outraged outburst from the Trio of Doom.
"So I'm told. Good day." Snape turned and walked away as stealthily as he had approached him. Damn, the man was smooth.
*****
Hermione walked backstage to see snape packing back and forth in a moat agitated matter and muterrring increasingly inventive curses.
"Sir?"
he turned abruptly, relief evident in his features. "Oh thank god. A female."
"is there a problem sir?"
"Well, yes." He shifted uncomfortably in place. "you see. . .Damn it! I haven't a thing to wear!"
Hermione burst out laughing.
*****
Ten minutes later, Hermione's now famous blue dress had been charmed to fit Professor Snape, with a few small adjustments. There was now a slit running down the right side, starting high up on Snape's thigh. The dress' color had also been changed to a pure, even black. The bodice had been charmed to give the appearance of gentle curves, instead of the solid angular lines that were the reality of Snape's body. Snape's hair had been curled outwards and the results were surprisingly attractive. The curls softened the angles of his face and made him look twenty years younger, for some strange unknown reason. His eyes had been heavily lined with black kohl that had then been followed by a generous layer of black eyeshadow and silver glitter which had softened his face even more. It was hard to look dark and foreboding when your face was covered in shiny crap, after all.
"Are you sure you really want to go through with this, Sir?" Hermione's voice was laden with doubt, and for obvious reasons.
"Of course I do, Granger. Do you really think I am going to let Black make an ass of me?" The deep, masculine voice, coming from the bodice-clad body on front of her was more than a bit amusing.
"It seems as if you're doing a fine job of that on your own, sir." She had to say that. It was too good an opportunity to pass up.
"You just shut up and put that mascara on me without putting my eye out." He sounded rather annoyed.
"Yes sir." Meek now.
"And does this lipstick look too pink on me?" He sounded charmingly insecure.
"No sir. It looks wonderful." It did, it really did. It was a deep velvety red that made his teeth look very white and his skin look attractively pale instead of merely sallow.
"It damned well better. It's yours."
"Remind me to burn that later."
*****
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I present for your viewing pleasure, Madame Snape."
Cheers, catcalls, boos, and applause died out the instant the curtains parted. It was widely known that severus snape was not known to be a devastatingly attractive man. One thing was now very certain. For all his aesthetic deficiencies as a man, Severus Snape made a damn fine woman.
"Crazy "
It was incredibly hard to believe that underneath the Black satin and makeup and fishnets was Greasy Git Snape. For one thing, the (wo)man onstage had breasts.
"I'm crazy for feeling so lonely"
On closer inspection, one could see the red marks on his legs which, not ten minutes ago, had received their first waxing. And the buxom was the result of Hermion'es clever thinking, some spare socks and a strategically placed illusion spell.
"I'm crazy crazy for feeling so blue"
The figure onstage (many still doubted it was Snape) walk seductively across the stage in five inch heels that had last been seen on the feet of Sirius Black. Hermione, who had rejoined her friends after having helped Madame Snape prepare, sat back and watched her creation saunture back and forth across the stage with the practiced ease of a seasoned lounge act, or a burlesque dancer.
"I knew you'd love me as long as you wanted"
Hermione leaned over Harry and whispered loudly to Ginny, "Snape looks better in that dress than I did. Excuse my whilst I weep in a corner and mourn my utter lack of femininity."
"If that thing onstage is femininity, then I'm better of being gay."
"so you would rather be gay then date Madame Snape."
"Yes. Yes I would."
"hmm.interesting"
"and here I thought you already were gay." A snide remark from the slytherin corner
"Oi! Shove it malfoy! At least my head of stage doesn't go poncing around like a bloody flamer!"
"No, but your godfather does."
"He's got you there, Harry."
"and at least Draco can say that Snape looks better doing it."
"And then some day you'd leave me for somebody new." Snape's voice flowed through the hall like silk, husky and potent. "Worry. . .Why do I let myself worry wondering what in the world did I do?"
Was he looking at me? Why would he look at me? Damn it Hermione! Get a hold of yourself. He's not looking at you. He's just. . . .staring at you. No, he's not. Quit imagining things and pay attention to how hot he is in that dress. Damn it. He does look better in that dress than you did.
"Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you" He was looking at her.
"I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying and I'm crazy for loving you" Why was he looking at her?
Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you"
The cat-calls and applause were starting again. And he was still looking at her.
"I'm crazy for trying"
'Despite the fact that you are in women's garments, you are still a grown man, Severus snape. Stop staring at her. Just because her blouse is a bit open doesn't give you the right to stare, you letcher.' Snape was having a hard time controlling his inner demons.
"And crazy for crying"
Meanwhile, Hermione wondered, 'is there something in my hair? No, everything's fine in that department. Is my blouse unbuttoned? Oh god!'
"And I'm crazy for loving you"
'You certainly are, you poor bastard." Snape thought snidely to himself as he walked offstage amidst applause and fanfare. 'Wait, no!' His inner poor bastard laughed. 'Too late! You admitted it! You love her.' He growled out loud, "Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a q-tip!"
*****
"thank you everyone for your participation. That will be all. auditions are now over." Everyone cheered Dumbledore's announcement. Snape immediatley protested.
"Minerva didn't audition!"
'Yes she did"
"She most certainly did not!"
"She did so"
"Did not!"
"did so"
"Not"
"So"
"Not"
"So"
And so it went that the two most powerful men in Hogwarts engaged in a battle of wills that lasted twenty minutes. They were still at it when everyone finally got tired of listening to it and went to bed.
I freely admit this chapter was rather sucky. It was a bit rushed and I have a mild (MILD!) bought of the dreaded block. But Fear not, dear readers! I have more escapades and hijinx in mind for our unconventional cast. Next chapter: the lists are posted, the players are cast and a venture into Muggle London to catch a midnight showing and Experience Rocky Horror firsthand! Cast and crew take the rock Oath! Egads! Thank you and Enjoy the show.
The song sung by Madame Snape was the Immortal Patsy Cline's "Crazy." Whenever I hear that song, I feel like curling up on the couch with a bottle of tequila and getting piss drunk. I love that song, but it's so sad. It's a good drinking song. And her voice is beautiful. It's all husky and emotional. She sings like she's really crying. I love Patsy Cline. Patsy Cline is cool.
Be Kind, Review.
