Next episode, Rocky glory, I promise. I couldn't resist the temptation of dropping them in the middle of my personal Hell.erm.....I mean Dallas. You know an American president once said, "If I owned both hell and Texas, I would live in hell and Rent out Texas." I don't remember which president it was, but one of them said it. Their psychotic guide is none other than a fancified version of me. Very fancified. I'm really not that cool, but if I could, I would be. I am crazy.
Chapter Eight: Deep in the Heart of Rocky.
They walked to Hogsmead in relative silence. Relativity being what it is, this meant that they were rarely silent, and in fact were very noisy, with the notable exception of a certain potions master whose panty hose were apparently too tight. Hermione glanced over at him worriedly. "Are you all right, sir?"

"I'm just peachy keen, you silly girl. I enjoy tramping about in public dressed as a third rate whore with a bunch of lunatics who apparently enjoy wearing these godforsaken things."

"You mean pantyhose."

"Of course I mean pantyhose, what else would I be talking about?"

"Well, it could have been the bra. If it makes you feel any better, I think you look good."

"This is supposed to be a consolation? Why, oh why would I want to look good?"

"If you are going to dress as a woman, you may as well do it well, don't you think?"

"There's a skewed way of thinking if I ever heard one."

"You really do look good. Your legs look great in that dress." Hermione was just a tad envious.

He snorted. "Out of it you mean. The dress does not go past my arse, let alone my legs."

"I'm serious. You have great legs." Silently, she gave thanks for the brevity of his outfit.

"Thank you for that dubious compliment, Miss Granger."

"Why is it that men always have the best legs? I could kill you for having such great legs."

"You would make me the happiest man in the world of you did just that."

Dumbledore stopped suddenly in front of them. They had reached the outskirts of the town. "We are here. The name of the theatre where we are to be watching the performance is the Angel. Stick close now and apparate on the count of three. Ready? One, two, five!"

"Three, sir."

"Three!"

And they were off.

******

They reappeared with a pop and were instantly floored by killer humidity.

"Shite Albus! It's bloody hot. Where did you apparate us to, Hell?!"

"Close, but it's only Texas," A female voice said behind them. They all turned simultaneously to see an angel. Well sort of. She was the strangest angel any of them had ever seen. She wore a long black skirt that reached to her ankles and flowed when she moved and a tight black bodice with capped sleeves and a scooped neckline. She had on old- fashioned boots that laced up to her knees and large, pristine white wings were strapped to her back. On her head, amid twisted locks of ebony black hair was a crown of dried roses and sharp looking, three-inch long thorns. Her eyes were heavily liked with black kohl and the Eye of Horus was carefully drawn on her right eye. She was lighting a cigarette with a smooth, matte black Zippo lighter, which she snapped closed with a smooth flick of the wrist.

"So, you're the group I'm supposed to show around, then?"

They all looked at her dumbly while Albus stepped forward. "Yes, we are. I assume you are Dorie?"

"Yeah, but you all can call me Dee." She extended her right hand, and Albus shook it. "The movie won't start for about another six hours, so we have plenty of time to go do stuff."

"Six hours!" Everyone stared at her incredulously.

She blew out a cloud of cigarette smoke. "Well, yeah. There's the time difference and all. England is six hours ahead timewise. Any other kind of wise, your light years ahead. You may as well get a look at the city while you're here."

Hermione spoke up, "We're not exactly dressed to go out. I mean, look at Sirius."

"He the one with the red lingerie?"

"Yes, that's him."

Dee walked around Sirius, eyeing him up and down before saying, "It's a bit much for a Saturday night, but if we head over to Oak Lawn, I'm sure you'll fit right in. I'm sure one of the clubs will have a drag show or something going on."

"Oak Lawn?" Sirius looked excited. A drag show! Imagine!

"Dallas' Finest Gay neighborhood. Dallas's only gay neighborhood, I might add. Let's go. Good thing I brought my car." The followed her to a decrepit looking ancient VW bus. "Hop in and I'll show you the town."

Severus stopped in his track to stop and stare at the glory of the rusted pile of scrap metal "That is your car?"

"Gang, meet Nancy. I know she's not much to look at, but Nancy gets me where I need to go. Most of the time anyway. When I don't drive Nancy, I drive Sid."

"Sid?" She named her cars after homicidal punk rockers and the women they killed. Remus liked this girl more and more. "Yeah. My other car. Sid's a bug convertible. He's what I use for dates and stuff. Or when Nancy's out of commission. Now get in. Nancy's a cranky old broad and there's no guarantee she'll be with us much longer. Let's get while the goings good, if you know what I mean."

So they all hopped into the car, whose interior was better of than the exterior to the great relief of all its occupants. After a harrowing fifteen-minute drive, they reached their destination. Ron and Neville practically leapt from the car and were on their knees kissing the ground in an instant.

"Sweet earth! I'll never ride in that miserable pile of crap ever again!"

"how can smuggles do it! These things are an accident waiting to happen!"

"As opposed to flying about the air with nothing separating you and thirty feet of open air but a really big stick?" Hermione countered.

"Brooms are much safer than that...that...thing!" Ron finished indignantly.

Dee laughed. "You've never driven in Texas, have you? Drivers here are pure shite. Nobody knows how to use a damn turn signal here. Or their brakes. Come on. A friend of mine works at a club nearby. He can get us all in for free."

It took them about five minutes to walk to the club, but that was all it took for the majority of the parties to get indecent propositions. Most of them more than once. The final tally is as follows: Albus, Minerva, Ron, and Neville received no propositioned. Harry and Draco Received one apiece and two to act as a team. Sirius received three, but two of the propositioners were drunk off their asses, so they didn't count. Ginny, Remus and Cho each received four. Hermione received six and a half. (don't ask) Severus led the way with a whopping total of eleven indecent propositions. He didn't know whether to be disgusted or flattered. Sirius was fuming. "Honestly, what does he have that I don't?"

"Taste. And a damn fine set of legs. And a tight ass. And a better sense of fashion. And great hair." Dee stated. Everyone laughed and Sirius vowed his revenge. They reached to club and Dee went into a deep discussion with Larry the bouncer before rejoining the group.

"Small problem. Larry's boss has been really anal about letting freebies in, so we're only allowed in if we contribute for the Talent/Drag show going on this evening. I t seems they're really hard up for entertainment. So I volunteered Severus, Remus, Hermione and Ginny."

"You did what!? You stupid prat!" Snape immediately exploded.

"I don't have my guitar. I'll need a guitar." Remus was already choosing the songs he would perform.

"Ginny, want to do Madonna?" Hermione was visibly excited.

"I'm in a Tori mood myself."

"So. I'll take that as a yes, then?" Dee looked hopefully at them and tried to look as innocent as possible.

"That is bloody well not a yes!" Snape lunged for Dee's throat, but was restrained by a still fuming Sirius and a thoroughly amused Dumbledore.

"Of course!"

"Sure."

"Any excuse to get onstage and act like a skank."

"Great, I'll tell Bill."

"I thought his name was Larry."

"It is."

*****

So in the end, a very upset Severus Snape was dragged onstage by a very amused Hermione Granger to perform a very sexy rendition of Nine Inch Nail's song, "Closer," which involved Hermione getting an impromptu lap dance. Remus found a guitar and performed a set of six songs: "Blitzkrieg Bop" by The Ramones, "Just Like Heaven" by The Cure, "The Distance" by Cake, "Take It Off" by the Donnas, and "Me and Bobby McGee" by the incomparable Janis Joplin and "Screaming Infidelities" by Dashboard Confessional. Ginny ended up performing Tori Amos' "Bells For Her" and Tori's verson of REM's "Losing My Religion." Hermione sang two songs. U2's "Mysterious Ways," which involved Snape getting an impromptu lap dance and No Doubt's "Bathwater," which, oddly enough also involved Snape getting an impromptu lap dance. Not that he was complaining. As a matter of fact, he was sitting with his hands crossed behind his head and a huge smirk on his face, enjoying every minute of it. After all the performances were done with, Dee glanced at a clock. "Crikey! Look at the time! Let's split, or we'll miss the show." Gulping down the last of her drink, she waved good-bye to Larry the Bouncer. "See you later, Adam."

"I thought his name was Larry."

"It is."

****

Fifteen minutes and another harrowing car ride later, they were safely back in the parking garage they had apparated to.

"Stupid bitch. That'll teach her to cut me off again." Dee was still fuming about a woman who had shown very little respect for the rules of the road.

"You ran her off the road." Harry thought she was overreacting just a bit.

Dee grinned evilly. "You bet your ass I did."

"Indeed."

*****

So they waited in line and bought their tickets, finding relief in the fact that there were other people there that were dressed every bit as strangely as they were. Well, except for Sirius. No one looked as strange as he did. Making their way inside the theatre, they were waylaid by a hunchbacked man in a ratty tuxedo that launched himself upon their guide. "Dee! You haven't been back for a month! We'd thought you found another venue."

"What, and leave all this? Not in a million." She flashed a cheeky grin at the man. "Jimmy, these are some friends of mine. Virgins all of them, except for this young filly."

"I went with a cousin of mine in the west end last year. The live performance was astounding." Hermione stepped forward and shook the man's hand.

He smiled broadly and "A true pleasure, my dear." Turning to Dee, the man said, "You want me to give them all the treatment?"

Dee broke into a broad grin. "Fire at will!"

Jimmy pulled out a tube of flamingo pink lipstick and drew a large "V" on all their foreheads. Most of them submitted willfuly, except for Severus, who had to be held down by Sirius and Remus.

"Done and done." Jimmy was rather smug as he pocketed his lipstick.

"Dude, I got a new one for the insult draw." Dee jumped up and down happily in place.

Pulling out a piece of paper and a pen, Jimmy shouted, "Fire away, my capitan!"

"Bitch monkey bastard son of a motherless goat eating cheesy vaginal discharge penis wrinkled cum bubbling syphilitic bastard whore."

"Does the vaginal discharge come before or after the motherless goat?"

"After."

"Okay got it." He deposited the slip of paper into a small black bag. "You need a prop bag?"

"Try ten."

"Ten bucks."

"You sweetie."

"I'll send Betty by with them. See you inside doll."

"By Chuck."

Watching him walk away, Hermione wondered, "so what's his name then? Jimmy or Chuck?"

"Neither. It's Daniel"

"Let's drop the subject, please."

*****

They made their way into to the theatre, scrambling after Dee, who had taken off like a shot as soon as the doors had been opened.

"Ha! I got great seats for us! I am incredible."

"Yes, because we want great seats to what has so far promised to be the singl emost humiliating experience of our lives." Growled Snape as he took his seat. "It could be worse. You could be naked." Dee said helpfully.

"That would really be the single most horrible moment of my life anyway." Neville muttered

"Shut up. They're starting."
Next chapter, the appearance of Lips! And the Hogwarts gang takes the rocky oath, and Draco gets initiated into the cult of Rocky! Cho gets chosen for the Lesbian scene! Hermione gets something wet in her ear! Egads! Better stuff next time. Guess what? We got the computer fixed and then the monitor blew up on us! It sucks! That's why this is late, but her it is anyway. Thank you and enjoy the show.

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