I know! I know! I'm evil and wrong and evil and horrible and I deserve to
be hung upside down by my toes! Or maybe made to watch really hot, sexy
porn with my hands tied behind my waist. Anyway, here are my excuses.
They are Threefold.
Reason the first: The disk containing all my working notes, plus my copies of the rocky Horror scripts, both the movie and the audience participation lines, was erased, and I didn't have any back-up copies done so I had to start over from scratch.
Reason the Second: I had to attend the Tori Amos concert on Wednesday. It was awesome and I was in a state of shock for two days before and after the concert from the idea that I was actually going be in the same room as the Goddess incarnate. I bought a program, because Neil Gaiman wrote it, and I love Neil Gaiman. There is no goddess but Tori, and Gaiman is her Prophet. I love Tori, and it was the greatest show EVER. Besides U2, but no one could ever beat Bono, not even Tori. Bono's dead sexy and Irish and wonderful and..that's all a bit besides the point right now.
Reason the Third: I had writer's block, plain and simple.
To make up for it, this chapter is extra long, and the next chapter has hot lesbian action. Sort of.
Chapter the Fifteenth? I don't even know what chapter I'm on anymore. Now THERE'S a bad sign. Um..moving right along.....
CHAPTER THE FIFTEENTH: He CAN MAKE YOU A MAAA-AA-AA-AA-AAAAAAAAAAN!
DESCRIBE BRAD
"A weakling," Frank sang. Magenta and Riff Raff scurried forward carrying a phallic-shaped vaulting horse and placed it in front of frank's podium. Columbia lead Rocky off of the ladder and onto the horse.
THAT'S BRAD
"...weighing ninety-eight pounds...."
NINETY-SEVEN AND A HALF, HE JERKED-OFF LAST NIGHT!
NINETY SEVEN AND THREE QUARTERS, HE SWALLOWED IT!
"....Will get sand in his face...."
AT THE BEACH!
"...When kicked-"
IN THE GROIN!
ROCKY, DON'T LAUGH! THAT WOULD HURT!
Meanwhile, Rocky was laughing delightedly at his new toys. "Ugh... Ugh..."
"And soon in the gym with a determined chin," Frank continued, drooling over Rocky's muscles.
WIPE THAT CUM OFF HIS CHIN!
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DRINK?
"The sweat from his pores," Frank sang
YOU MEAN BALLS
"...as he works for his Ca-ah-ause!" Frank hyperventilated a bit as Magenta and Riff Raff brought forward dumbbells.
SAVE THE HUNCHBACKS!
Frank presented Rocky with the cellophane wrapped weights.
NOW THERE'S FOUR DUMBBELS ON THE SCREEN!
In the audience, Snape was near to tears, and Draco was hyperventilating with his head between his knees.
"I'm a Neanderthal," He wailed. "A Gay Neanderthal in tacky spandex!"
"Well," Harry reasoned, "Then it shouldn't be too much of a stretch for you to act in character."
Somehow, that was little consolation to Draco Malfoy.
Onscreen, Frankie was slowly moving towards Rocky's crotch.
GO FOR THE GOLD! LOWER! LOWER! LOWER!
Frank finally lunged, but rocky moved out of the way before Frank could land his hands on the prize.
MISSED IT, MISSED IT, NOW YOU GOTTA KISS IT!
THAT'S WHY HE MISSED IT!
"He'll be pink and quite clean. He'll be a strong man." Frankie sang, chasing Rocky around.
WHAT DOES CUM TASTE LIKE?
"Oh honey...." Frank gushed. "All But the wrong man. ..."
OH MY GOD! SOMEBODY CIRCUMCISE THAT THING BEFORE IT KILLS SOMEONE!
".....He'll eat nutritious....."
CUM!
".....high protein..."
CUM!
"...And swallow raw eggs....."
CUM!
SAMNE CONSISTENCY!
"....Try to build up his shoulders, his chest, arms, and....."
FRANK, WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE ORGAN?
" ...Legs..."
LIAR!
" Such an effort if he only knew of my plan. In just seven days....."
AND ONE GOOD FUCK...
"....I can make you a maaa-aa-aa-aa-an." Frank sang grandly.
HE CAN MAKE YOU A FAAA-AA-AA-AA-AAAAG!
HEY, ROCKY, GIVE US YOUR BEST SUPERMAN IMPRESSION!
Rocky had thrown down the weights, and was now busily doing press-up after press-up.
"He'll do press-ups, and chin-ups, do the snatch, clean and jerk...." Franks continued singing.
OR LICK JANET'S SNATCH AND JERK OFF!
HARDER, HARDER, HARDEEEER!
"He thinks dynamic tension..."
IS DYMANIC?
".....must be hard work......" Frank sang while relieving some of his sexual tension on the vaulting horse.
FUCK THAT HORSE! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
NOW THAT'S HORSE BRUTALITY!
"Such strenuous living I just don't understand, When in just seven days....."
AND ONE GOOD FUCK!
" I can make you a ma-a-a-aaan!"
HE CAN MAKE YOU A FAAA-AA-AA-AA-AAAAAG!
THE NEXT THREE WORDS HAVE BEEN CENCORED!
A loud beeping sound was heard.
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
"Ah! Ooh!" Frank Exclaimed.
INCOMING!
A refrigerator door opened like a drawbridge behind Frank, revealing a wall of ice and a surprisingly large amount of coca-cola bottles.
GUESS WHOSE COMING TO DINNER?
Eddie burst through the door in a Harley Davidson motorcycle, wearing a leather jacket and holding a guitar. He looked a but like a cross between the latter years of Elvis and a rather fat Frankenstein.
Columbia ran forward and exclaimed, "EDDIE!"
CHECKLIST!
KICKSTAND: CHECK!
GOGGLES: CHECK!
HELMET: CHECK!
ATTITUDE: CHECK!
IF YOU HAD HALF A BRAIN YOU'D SING!
"Whatever happened to Saturday night..." Eddie sang rock and roll style. Columbia leapt forward and settled down behind him on the motorcycle seat.
IT WENT APESHIT ON SATURDAY MORNING!
".When you dressed up sharp and you felt all right? It don't seem the same since cosmic light came into my life...." Neville began to look rather pleased, as he observed his character getting humped by Columbia.
WHY DID YOU BLOW HUGH GRANT?
"..I thought I was divine.."
NO YOU'RE NOT! YOU'RE MEATLOAF!
"...I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go, And listen to the music on the radio...."
AND TAKE HER TO THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW!
"A saxophone was blowing on a rock 'n roll show. You climbed in the back seat, you really had a good time. Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll." Eddie began to dance wildly with Columbia, and Riff Raff and Magenta began to dance in an unseemly fashion while Rocky looked on in a puzzled manner. Frank was getting more and more angry.
SEX, DRUGS, AND ROCK 'N ROLL AT THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW
"..Hot Patootie, Bless my soul!..."
THIS SONG GETS REALLY FUCKING OLD!
"....Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll..."
HEY EDDIE, HOW ABOUT SOME GOOD SEX?
Edie grabbed a saxophone from somewhere and started to play an amazing sax solo Elvis Style while Columbia looked on adoringly.
I SAID GOOD SEX, NOT GOOD SAX
YOU NEVER BLEW ME THAT HARD!
YOU NEVER PAID, BITCH!
"My head used to swim from the perfume I smelled..." Eddie stopped blowing his horn and resumed dancing wildly with Columbia.
OR THE COCAIANE YOU DEALT!
"...My hands kind of fumbled with her white plastic belt......"
BLACK GARTER BELT!
".....I'd taste her baby pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt And she'd whisper in my ear tonight she really was mine......"
HE'D WHISPER UP MY REAR TONIGHT IT REALLY WAS MINE!
"...Get back in front, put some hair oil on Buddy Holly was singing his very last song...."
SAME DAMN SONG!
"....With your arms around your girl you'd try to sing along...."
OR AROUND YOUR GUY YOU'D TRY TO GRAB HIS SCHLONG
"....It felt pretty good...."
HARD!
"....Woo you really had a good time...."
Eddie jumped back onto his motorcycle and started riding it around the room, occasionally running people over, still singing wildly, "Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. Hot patootie, bless my soul..."
THIS SONG GETS REALLY FUCKING OLD!
Meanwhile, frank had snuck into the freezer and retrieved an Alpinist's ice pick unseen. Eddie drove his motorcycle into the freezer, and Frank followed him, ice pick held high. People started to scream and blood started to fly. Columbia screamed hysterically, EDDIE! NO!" Janet just screamed.
YOU CAN PICK YOUR FRIENDS, & YOU CAN PICK YOUR NOSE, BUT YOU CAN'T PICK YOUR FRIENDS' NOSE - UNLESS YOU'RE FRANK; THEN YOU CAN PICK ANYTHING YOU WANT!
HEY FRANK, SHOW US YOUR BEST OJ IMPERSONATION!
From the freezer, sickening squelching noises, sounding suspiciously like an ice pick lodging itself in a chubby human body, were heard. Blood splattered the walls and the floor immediately in front of the freezer.
NO, NO, NO! OJ ATE THE WHITE MEAT, THEN HE CUT IT UP!
OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED EDDIE! THOSE BASTARDS!
OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED A GOOD LINE! YOU BASTARDS!
Frank emerged from the freezer looking exhausted carrying the bloody ice pick and trailing blood.
YOU SHOULD HAVE USED A TAMPON FRANK!
Frank dropped the ice pick on the floor and Janet kept screaming.
STOP - HAMMERTIME!
WHAT DO YOU SAY AFTER YOU SUCK OFF A BANKER?
" One from the vaults." Frank said chuckling sweetly.
Neville had meanwhile curled into a tiny, tiny ball on the floor of the theatre babbling incoherently about his impending doom, while Snape sat back and relished the thought of offing Longbottom.
"It's almost worth having to fondle Malfoy." He mused aloud. Draco made odd retching noises while Neville moaned louder and ran from the theatre crying, "I'm fucked! Oh man, I'm so fucked!"
A GREASER FROM THE FREEZER LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL
Frank slipped off his rubber gloves and handed them to Magenta.
MAGENTA KNOWS WHAT TO DO WITH BLOODY GLOVES - GIVE THEM TO THE LAPD, TO PUT IN OJ'S VAN!
Rocky had been trapped by frank in the elevator lift during the whole fiasco and was now clamoring to get out. "Ugh..." he wailed plaintively.
I'M PISSED. BOY, I'M PISSED. I AM SO PISSED!
Frank opened the door and crooned softly to Rocky, "Oh Baby...."
I THOUGHT HIS NAME WAS OH ROCKY!
I'M UPSET!
"...Don't be upset...."
I'M FUCKING PISSED!
"WHAT SORT OF KILLING WAS IT?
"....It was a mercy killing..." Frank consoled Rocky, running his hands up and down Rocky's arms.
BULLSHIT! A MESSY KILLING
Columbia finally stopped screaming, as did Janet. Magenta looked extremely bored as she picked up ice cubes and threw them into a bucket.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SCREAMING ABOUT? I WAS ONLY TENDERIZING THE MEATLOAF!
"....He had a certain naive charm...." Frank continued, leading rocky away from the elevator lift.
WHAT DID HE LACK?
but no muscle
SHOW US YOUR MUSCLE, ROCK!
Rocky flexed his biceps happily, showing off his perfect arms to an adoring frank.
NOT THAT ONE! THE OTHER ONE!
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT..
Frank resumed singing gaily (in more ways than one) "But a deltoid and a bicep..."
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT..BUT-TA?! DELTOID!?
WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST FRANK?
"....A hot groin and a tricep..."
Magenta walked onscreen, and riff Raff fiddled with some switches in the background, revealing a bridal chamber where the wall used to be.
"...Makes me, oooh, shake, Makes me want to take Charles Atlas by the...."
BALLS?!
".....ha-ha-hand..." sang Frank grandly, "In just seven days...."
AND ONE GOOD FUCK!
"....I can make you a ma-aa-aa-aa-aan..."
HE CAN YOU A FA-AA-AA-AA-AAAAAG!
"....I don't want no dissention, Just dynamic tension...."
SING IT, BITCH!
Janet broke free of Brad;s restraining grasp and sang shrilly, "I'm a muscle fan!"
SHUT UP, BITCH!
"...In just seven days..." Frank resumed,
AND ONE GOOD FUCK!
"...I can make you a ma-aa-aa-aa-aaan...."
HE CAN MAKE YOU A FA-AA-AA-AA-AAAAG!
"..Dig it if you can..."
JUST LIKE YOUR DAD!
"..In just seven days...."
AND ONE GOOD FUCK!
"....I can make you a man...."
Frank linked Rocky's arm with his and proceeded to lead him onto the bridal chamber as an electric guitar bridal song blared over the loudspeakers.
WHO INVITED JIMI HENDRIX!?
As Rocky and Frank walked down the aisle to their bed, everyone in the audience threw confetti.
ASSUME THE POSITION!
The scene faded to black as Draco ran screaming from the theatre.
Ginny leaned over to Hermione and cheered gleefully, "They're dropping like flies! I love it!"
Onscreen, the camera was now in the narrator's study. The narrator himself sat placidly behind his desk, ready to launch into another monologue.
I SAY LIFE IS AN ILLUSION
"There are some who say that life is an illusion...." the narrator intoned seriously.
THERE ARE THOSE WHO SAY YOUR FUCKING NECK IS AN ILLUSION!
"...and reality is but a figment of the imagination..."
SO'S YOUR FUCKING NECK!
"....If this is so, then Brad and Janet are quite safe..."
UNLIKE YOUR FUCKING NECK!
".....however...."
THERE'S ALWAYS A HOWEVER!
"...the sudden departure of their host...."
AND YOUR FUCKING NECK !
"...and his...."
NECK
"...creation...."
AND HIS NECK TOO!
"...into the seclusion of his somber bridal suite and left them feeling.."
NECKLESS? HORNY?!
"..both apprehensive and uneasy.."
AND NECKLESS!
"....a feeling which grew..."
UNLIKE YOUR FUCKING NECK!
"....as the other guests departed, and they were shown to their separate rooms."
YOU MAKE IT SOUND SO DIRTY!
Meanwhile, back at the laboratory, brad and Janet were being escorted to their separate rooms by riff-Raff and Magenta respectively. Magenta showed Janet into a darkened red room and rudely shut the door. Janet fumbled around in the dark, trying to get her bearings.
PINK IS FOR VIRGINS BUT RED IS FOR SLUTS! WATCH OUT FOR THE SLUT EATING BASIN!
LOOK OUT, THERE'S HOLY WATER IN THAT BOWL!
Janet crashed into a small bedside table that held a basin full of water, effectively splashing herself with the contents of the basin.
BURNS, DON'T IT BITCH
Janet peered into a corner of the room, where there was a camera watching her every movement.
HE SEES YOU WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPING, HE KNOWS WHEN YOU'RE AWAKE, HE KNOWS IF YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING BRAD, AND WHEN YOU MASTURBATE!
HEY, TRANSYLVANIAN HBO!
I WANT MY MTV!
HBO - HOMOSEXUAL BOX OFFICE!
Riff-Raff showed Brad into a room identical to the one Janet had been escorted into, except that his was blue instead of red.
BLUE IS FOR ASSHOLES!
SAME ROOM, DIFFERENT FILTER. WHAT A CHEAP MOVIE!
SAME LINE, DIFFERENT WEEK. WHAT A CHEAP AUDIENCE!
The scene faded back to Janet's room, where there was a knock at the door.
IMITATION ASSHOLE CALLING, 20% MORE FILLING!
NEVER WORRY, NEVER FEAR, FRANK THE WONDER FUCK IS HERE! FAT OR SKINNY, THICK OR THIN, FRANKIE ALWAYS GETS IT IN! TWO, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT, FRANKIE'S FUCKS ARE ALWAYS GREAT! YEAH, FRANKIE!
A strange howling was heard in the background and Janet tensed visibly.
SHUT UP, MAGENTA
"Uhh! Who is it? Who's there?" She called out nervously.
IT'S THE MILKMAN!
"It's only me, Janet." Brad's voice called out soothingly as he slipped into the room
"Oh, Brad darling, come in." She held her arms out to him.
AND OUT AND IN AND OUT AND IN!
Brad and Janet's silhouettes were the only things the audience could make out, as brad settled on top of his fiancée.
"Oh! Brad, Oh Brad. Yes, my darling..... but what if......" Janet giggled as brad joined her in the bed.
DON'T WORRY, I BROUGHT A RUBBER!
Brad stroked Janet soothingly, and said in a soft voice, "It's all right, Janet, everything's going to be all right."
DON'T FUCK WITH THE HAIR, BITCH!
"Oh, I hope so, my darling." Janet giggled and lay back, entwining her fingers in brads hair.
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY GERBIL, HUGH?
"Oh..... Ah.... ah OHHH! Oh, it's you!" Janet shrieked as she pulled a wig off of brad's hair only to reveal none other than Frank.
YOU'RE RIGHT, IT IS HUGH!
WE TOLD YOU NOT TO FUCK WITH THE HAIR!
"I'm afraid so, Janet, but isn't it nice?" Frank teased, not moving from his position on top of jaunt
NO, BUT IT CERTAINLY IS WEISS!
" Oh, you beast, you monster...... Oh what have you done with Brad?" Janet cried as she beat at frank with ineffective fists.
NOTHING YET, HE'S SAVING THE BEST FOR LAST
"Oh, well, nothing. Why, do you thing I should?" Frank said, a bit too eagerly.
" You tricked.... I wouldn't have....." Janet cried incoherently.
YES YOU WOULD!
I've never... never... " Janet sobbed wildly as she sat up.
NEVER? NEVER EVER? NEVER EVER EVER?
WHAT ABOUT THE FOOTBALL TEAM, BOY SCOUTS, AND THE GIRL SCOUTS, AND THE CHEARLEADING SQUAD?
THAT WAS JUST PRACTICE!
"Yes, yes, I know, but it isn't all bad, is it?" Frank replied, hoping to worm his way into her good graces, or her panties.
IT ISN'T ALL BRAD EITHER!
"...I think you really found it quite pleasurable." Frank said slyly.
"Oh, stop..." Janet cried, trying desperately to get out from under Frank.
{ "DON'T, STOP, DON'T STOP, DON'T STOP
"....I mean help... brad brad!... oh brad!!" Janet called out loudly.
HE'S NOT DOWN THERE! HE'S NEVER BEEN DOWN THERE!
" Shhh." Frank admonished, effectively silencing her, "Brad's probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you..."
HOW DO YOU FUCK SMALL FARM ANIMALS?
"....like....this!" Frank cried as he pulled Janet's legs up, causing her to simultaneously straddle him, and lay flat on her back
AASUME THE POSITION!
"Like this like how?! Oh, it's your fault... you're to blame..." Janet sobbed.
NO! SUE'S TO BLAME!
"Oh.....I was saving myself......" Janet said, sounding a bit less resistant than she had a minute ago.
FOR WHAT? A RAINY DAY? LOOK OUTSIDE BITCH, IT'S POURING!
"Yes, but I'm sure your not spent yet...." Frank encouraged.
ANYBODY GOT A CHANGE FOR A PENNY?!
"Promise you won't tell Brad? She whispered
SLUT!
I GUESS SO, BUT IS IT OKAY IF I FUCK HIS BRAINS OUT ANYWAY?
Frank said solemnly, "Cross my heart and hope to die....."
STICK A DILDO IN MY EYE, NOW SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND SPREAD YOU THIGHS!
The two shillouetted melded together and soon there was nothing but the sound of Janet giggling and some strange sucking noises.
OK! NOW SHE'S A SLUT!
"Oh, god! Oh my god! What are you doing to Hermione?!" Ron was near tears, realizing what was going to have to happen onstage between his best friend and the professor from hell.
"Well, I was kind of looking forward to it, actually," Hermione mused aloud.
There was a loud thud as Ron's unconscious hit the floor.
Miss Granger, I do believe we will have to start rehearsing this scene as soon as we return to the castle." Snape whispered to her.
"It will be my pleasure, sir." She replied, smiling wickedly.
"Ten bucks says the pleasure's not all hers." Remus bet Sirius.
"You're on!"
*****
Sometimes I feel as if I have created a monster. How is it that my little but of crap has garnered such a faithful following. It's damned intimidating. I really don't want to disappoint any of you and it's all getting so big and I think my head is going to explode! AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUG! Anyway, that's enough of my self-pitying ranting. I think I'll go eat ten packets of pop-rocks now.
Thank you and enjoy the show.
Be kind, Review.
Reason the first: The disk containing all my working notes, plus my copies of the rocky Horror scripts, both the movie and the audience participation lines, was erased, and I didn't have any back-up copies done so I had to start over from scratch.
Reason the Second: I had to attend the Tori Amos concert on Wednesday. It was awesome and I was in a state of shock for two days before and after the concert from the idea that I was actually going be in the same room as the Goddess incarnate. I bought a program, because Neil Gaiman wrote it, and I love Neil Gaiman. There is no goddess but Tori, and Gaiman is her Prophet. I love Tori, and it was the greatest show EVER. Besides U2, but no one could ever beat Bono, not even Tori. Bono's dead sexy and Irish and wonderful and..that's all a bit besides the point right now.
Reason the Third: I had writer's block, plain and simple.
To make up for it, this chapter is extra long, and the next chapter has hot lesbian action. Sort of.
Chapter the Fifteenth? I don't even know what chapter I'm on anymore. Now THERE'S a bad sign. Um..moving right along.....
CHAPTER THE FIFTEENTH: He CAN MAKE YOU A MAAA-AA-AA-AA-AAAAAAAAAAN!
DESCRIBE BRAD
"A weakling," Frank sang. Magenta and Riff Raff scurried forward carrying a phallic-shaped vaulting horse and placed it in front of frank's podium. Columbia lead Rocky off of the ladder and onto the horse.
THAT'S BRAD
"...weighing ninety-eight pounds...."
NINETY-SEVEN AND A HALF, HE JERKED-OFF LAST NIGHT!
NINETY SEVEN AND THREE QUARTERS, HE SWALLOWED IT!
"....Will get sand in his face...."
AT THE BEACH!
"...When kicked-"
IN THE GROIN!
ROCKY, DON'T LAUGH! THAT WOULD HURT!
Meanwhile, Rocky was laughing delightedly at his new toys. "Ugh... Ugh..."
"And soon in the gym with a determined chin," Frank continued, drooling over Rocky's muscles.
WIPE THAT CUM OFF HIS CHIN!
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DRINK?
"The sweat from his pores," Frank sang
YOU MEAN BALLS
"...as he works for his Ca-ah-ause!" Frank hyperventilated a bit as Magenta and Riff Raff brought forward dumbbells.
SAVE THE HUNCHBACKS!
Frank presented Rocky with the cellophane wrapped weights.
NOW THERE'S FOUR DUMBBELS ON THE SCREEN!
In the audience, Snape was near to tears, and Draco was hyperventilating with his head between his knees.
"I'm a Neanderthal," He wailed. "A Gay Neanderthal in tacky spandex!"
"Well," Harry reasoned, "Then it shouldn't be too much of a stretch for you to act in character."
Somehow, that was little consolation to Draco Malfoy.
Onscreen, Frankie was slowly moving towards Rocky's crotch.
GO FOR THE GOLD! LOWER! LOWER! LOWER!
Frank finally lunged, but rocky moved out of the way before Frank could land his hands on the prize.
MISSED IT, MISSED IT, NOW YOU GOTTA KISS IT!
THAT'S WHY HE MISSED IT!
"He'll be pink and quite clean. He'll be a strong man." Frankie sang, chasing Rocky around.
WHAT DOES CUM TASTE LIKE?
"Oh honey...." Frank gushed. "All But the wrong man. ..."
OH MY GOD! SOMEBODY CIRCUMCISE THAT THING BEFORE IT KILLS SOMEONE!
".....He'll eat nutritious....."
CUM!
".....high protein..."
CUM!
"...And swallow raw eggs....."
CUM!
SAMNE CONSISTENCY!
"....Try to build up his shoulders, his chest, arms, and....."
FRANK, WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE ORGAN?
" ...Legs..."
LIAR!
" Such an effort if he only knew of my plan. In just seven days....."
AND ONE GOOD FUCK...
"....I can make you a maaa-aa-aa-aa-an." Frank sang grandly.
HE CAN MAKE YOU A FAAA-AA-AA-AA-AAAAG!
HEY, ROCKY, GIVE US YOUR BEST SUPERMAN IMPRESSION!
Rocky had thrown down the weights, and was now busily doing press-up after press-up.
"He'll do press-ups, and chin-ups, do the snatch, clean and jerk...." Franks continued singing.
OR LICK JANET'S SNATCH AND JERK OFF!
HARDER, HARDER, HARDEEEER!
"He thinks dynamic tension..."
IS DYMANIC?
".....must be hard work......" Frank sang while relieving some of his sexual tension on the vaulting horse.
FUCK THAT HORSE! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
NOW THAT'S HORSE BRUTALITY!
"Such strenuous living I just don't understand, When in just seven days....."
AND ONE GOOD FUCK!
" I can make you a ma-a-a-aaan!"
HE CAN MAKE YOU A FAAA-AA-AA-AA-AAAAAG!
THE NEXT THREE WORDS HAVE BEEN CENCORED!
A loud beeping sound was heard.
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
"Ah! Ooh!" Frank Exclaimed.
INCOMING!
A refrigerator door opened like a drawbridge behind Frank, revealing a wall of ice and a surprisingly large amount of coca-cola bottles.
GUESS WHOSE COMING TO DINNER?
Eddie burst through the door in a Harley Davidson motorcycle, wearing a leather jacket and holding a guitar. He looked a but like a cross between the latter years of Elvis and a rather fat Frankenstein.
Columbia ran forward and exclaimed, "EDDIE!"
CHECKLIST!
KICKSTAND: CHECK!
GOGGLES: CHECK!
HELMET: CHECK!
ATTITUDE: CHECK!
IF YOU HAD HALF A BRAIN YOU'D SING!
"Whatever happened to Saturday night..." Eddie sang rock and roll style. Columbia leapt forward and settled down behind him on the motorcycle seat.
IT WENT APESHIT ON SATURDAY MORNING!
".When you dressed up sharp and you felt all right? It don't seem the same since cosmic light came into my life...." Neville began to look rather pleased, as he observed his character getting humped by Columbia.
WHY DID YOU BLOW HUGH GRANT?
"..I thought I was divine.."
NO YOU'RE NOT! YOU'RE MEATLOAF!
"...I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go, And listen to the music on the radio...."
AND TAKE HER TO THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW!
"A saxophone was blowing on a rock 'n roll show. You climbed in the back seat, you really had a good time. Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll." Eddie began to dance wildly with Columbia, and Riff Raff and Magenta began to dance in an unseemly fashion while Rocky looked on in a puzzled manner. Frank was getting more and more angry.
SEX, DRUGS, AND ROCK 'N ROLL AT THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW
"..Hot Patootie, Bless my soul!..."
THIS SONG GETS REALLY FUCKING OLD!
"....Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll..."
HEY EDDIE, HOW ABOUT SOME GOOD SEX?
Edie grabbed a saxophone from somewhere and started to play an amazing sax solo Elvis Style while Columbia looked on adoringly.
I SAID GOOD SEX, NOT GOOD SAX
YOU NEVER BLEW ME THAT HARD!
YOU NEVER PAID, BITCH!
"My head used to swim from the perfume I smelled..." Eddie stopped blowing his horn and resumed dancing wildly with Columbia.
OR THE COCAIANE YOU DEALT!
"...My hands kind of fumbled with her white plastic belt......"
BLACK GARTER BELT!
".....I'd taste her baby pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt And she'd whisper in my ear tonight she really was mine......"
HE'D WHISPER UP MY REAR TONIGHT IT REALLY WAS MINE!
"...Get back in front, put some hair oil on Buddy Holly was singing his very last song...."
SAME DAMN SONG!
"....With your arms around your girl you'd try to sing along...."
OR AROUND YOUR GUY YOU'D TRY TO GRAB HIS SCHLONG
"....It felt pretty good...."
HARD!
"....Woo you really had a good time...."
Eddie jumped back onto his motorcycle and started riding it around the room, occasionally running people over, still singing wildly, "Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll. Hot patootie, bless my soul..."
THIS SONG GETS REALLY FUCKING OLD!
Meanwhile, frank had snuck into the freezer and retrieved an Alpinist's ice pick unseen. Eddie drove his motorcycle into the freezer, and Frank followed him, ice pick held high. People started to scream and blood started to fly. Columbia screamed hysterically, EDDIE! NO!" Janet just screamed.
YOU CAN PICK YOUR FRIENDS, & YOU CAN PICK YOUR NOSE, BUT YOU CAN'T PICK YOUR FRIENDS' NOSE - UNLESS YOU'RE FRANK; THEN YOU CAN PICK ANYTHING YOU WANT!
HEY FRANK, SHOW US YOUR BEST OJ IMPERSONATION!
From the freezer, sickening squelching noises, sounding suspiciously like an ice pick lodging itself in a chubby human body, were heard. Blood splattered the walls and the floor immediately in front of the freezer.
NO, NO, NO! OJ ATE THE WHITE MEAT, THEN HE CUT IT UP!
OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED EDDIE! THOSE BASTARDS!
OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED A GOOD LINE! YOU BASTARDS!
Frank emerged from the freezer looking exhausted carrying the bloody ice pick and trailing blood.
YOU SHOULD HAVE USED A TAMPON FRANK!
Frank dropped the ice pick on the floor and Janet kept screaming.
STOP - HAMMERTIME!
WHAT DO YOU SAY AFTER YOU SUCK OFF A BANKER?
" One from the vaults." Frank said chuckling sweetly.
Neville had meanwhile curled into a tiny, tiny ball on the floor of the theatre babbling incoherently about his impending doom, while Snape sat back and relished the thought of offing Longbottom.
"It's almost worth having to fondle Malfoy." He mused aloud. Draco made odd retching noises while Neville moaned louder and ran from the theatre crying, "I'm fucked! Oh man, I'm so fucked!"
A GREASER FROM THE FREEZER LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL
Frank slipped off his rubber gloves and handed them to Magenta.
MAGENTA KNOWS WHAT TO DO WITH BLOODY GLOVES - GIVE THEM TO THE LAPD, TO PUT IN OJ'S VAN!
Rocky had been trapped by frank in the elevator lift during the whole fiasco and was now clamoring to get out. "Ugh..." he wailed plaintively.
I'M PISSED. BOY, I'M PISSED. I AM SO PISSED!
Frank opened the door and crooned softly to Rocky, "Oh Baby...."
I THOUGHT HIS NAME WAS OH ROCKY!
I'M UPSET!
"...Don't be upset...."
I'M FUCKING PISSED!
"WHAT SORT OF KILLING WAS IT?
"....It was a mercy killing..." Frank consoled Rocky, running his hands up and down Rocky's arms.
BULLSHIT! A MESSY KILLING
Columbia finally stopped screaming, as did Janet. Magenta looked extremely bored as she picked up ice cubes and threw them into a bucket.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SCREAMING ABOUT? I WAS ONLY TENDERIZING THE MEATLOAF!
"....He had a certain naive charm...." Frank continued, leading rocky away from the elevator lift.
WHAT DID HE LACK?
but no muscle
SHOW US YOUR MUSCLE, ROCK!
Rocky flexed his biceps happily, showing off his perfect arms to an adoring frank.
NOT THAT ONE! THE OTHER ONE!
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT..
Frank resumed singing gaily (in more ways than one) "But a deltoid and a bicep..."
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT..BUT-TA?! DELTOID!?
WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST FRANK?
"....A hot groin and a tricep..."
Magenta walked onscreen, and riff Raff fiddled with some switches in the background, revealing a bridal chamber where the wall used to be.
"...Makes me, oooh, shake, Makes me want to take Charles Atlas by the...."
BALLS?!
".....ha-ha-hand..." sang Frank grandly, "In just seven days...."
AND ONE GOOD FUCK!
"....I can make you a ma-aa-aa-aa-aan..."
HE CAN YOU A FA-AA-AA-AA-AAAAAG!
"....I don't want no dissention, Just dynamic tension...."
SING IT, BITCH!
Janet broke free of Brad;s restraining grasp and sang shrilly, "I'm a muscle fan!"
SHUT UP, BITCH!
"...In just seven days..." Frank resumed,
AND ONE GOOD FUCK!
"...I can make you a ma-aa-aa-aa-aaan...."
HE CAN MAKE YOU A FA-AA-AA-AA-AAAAG!
"..Dig it if you can..."
JUST LIKE YOUR DAD!
"..In just seven days...."
AND ONE GOOD FUCK!
"....I can make you a man...."
Frank linked Rocky's arm with his and proceeded to lead him onto the bridal chamber as an electric guitar bridal song blared over the loudspeakers.
WHO INVITED JIMI HENDRIX!?
As Rocky and Frank walked down the aisle to their bed, everyone in the audience threw confetti.
ASSUME THE POSITION!
The scene faded to black as Draco ran screaming from the theatre.
Ginny leaned over to Hermione and cheered gleefully, "They're dropping like flies! I love it!"
Onscreen, the camera was now in the narrator's study. The narrator himself sat placidly behind his desk, ready to launch into another monologue.
I SAY LIFE IS AN ILLUSION
"There are some who say that life is an illusion...." the narrator intoned seriously.
THERE ARE THOSE WHO SAY YOUR FUCKING NECK IS AN ILLUSION!
"...and reality is but a figment of the imagination..."
SO'S YOUR FUCKING NECK!
"....If this is so, then Brad and Janet are quite safe..."
UNLIKE YOUR FUCKING NECK!
".....however...."
THERE'S ALWAYS A HOWEVER!
"...the sudden departure of their host...."
AND YOUR FUCKING NECK !
"...and his...."
NECK
"...creation...."
AND HIS NECK TOO!
"...into the seclusion of his somber bridal suite and left them feeling.."
NECKLESS? HORNY?!
"..both apprehensive and uneasy.."
AND NECKLESS!
"....a feeling which grew..."
UNLIKE YOUR FUCKING NECK!
"....as the other guests departed, and they were shown to their separate rooms."
YOU MAKE IT SOUND SO DIRTY!
Meanwhile, back at the laboratory, brad and Janet were being escorted to their separate rooms by riff-Raff and Magenta respectively. Magenta showed Janet into a darkened red room and rudely shut the door. Janet fumbled around in the dark, trying to get her bearings.
PINK IS FOR VIRGINS BUT RED IS FOR SLUTS! WATCH OUT FOR THE SLUT EATING BASIN!
LOOK OUT, THERE'S HOLY WATER IN THAT BOWL!
Janet crashed into a small bedside table that held a basin full of water, effectively splashing herself with the contents of the basin.
BURNS, DON'T IT BITCH
Janet peered into a corner of the room, where there was a camera watching her every movement.
HE SEES YOU WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPING, HE KNOWS WHEN YOU'RE AWAKE, HE KNOWS IF YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING BRAD, AND WHEN YOU MASTURBATE!
HEY, TRANSYLVANIAN HBO!
I WANT MY MTV!
HBO - HOMOSEXUAL BOX OFFICE!
Riff-Raff showed Brad into a room identical to the one Janet had been escorted into, except that his was blue instead of red.
BLUE IS FOR ASSHOLES!
SAME ROOM, DIFFERENT FILTER. WHAT A CHEAP MOVIE!
SAME LINE, DIFFERENT WEEK. WHAT A CHEAP AUDIENCE!
The scene faded back to Janet's room, where there was a knock at the door.
IMITATION ASSHOLE CALLING, 20% MORE FILLING!
NEVER WORRY, NEVER FEAR, FRANK THE WONDER FUCK IS HERE! FAT OR SKINNY, THICK OR THIN, FRANKIE ALWAYS GETS IT IN! TWO, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT, FRANKIE'S FUCKS ARE ALWAYS GREAT! YEAH, FRANKIE!
A strange howling was heard in the background and Janet tensed visibly.
SHUT UP, MAGENTA
"Uhh! Who is it? Who's there?" She called out nervously.
IT'S THE MILKMAN!
"It's only me, Janet." Brad's voice called out soothingly as he slipped into the room
"Oh, Brad darling, come in." She held her arms out to him.
AND OUT AND IN AND OUT AND IN!
Brad and Janet's silhouettes were the only things the audience could make out, as brad settled on top of his fiancée.
"Oh! Brad, Oh Brad. Yes, my darling..... but what if......" Janet giggled as brad joined her in the bed.
DON'T WORRY, I BROUGHT A RUBBER!
Brad stroked Janet soothingly, and said in a soft voice, "It's all right, Janet, everything's going to be all right."
DON'T FUCK WITH THE HAIR, BITCH!
"Oh, I hope so, my darling." Janet giggled and lay back, entwining her fingers in brads hair.
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY GERBIL, HUGH?
"Oh..... Ah.... ah OHHH! Oh, it's you!" Janet shrieked as she pulled a wig off of brad's hair only to reveal none other than Frank.
YOU'RE RIGHT, IT IS HUGH!
WE TOLD YOU NOT TO FUCK WITH THE HAIR!
"I'm afraid so, Janet, but isn't it nice?" Frank teased, not moving from his position on top of jaunt
NO, BUT IT CERTAINLY IS WEISS!
" Oh, you beast, you monster...... Oh what have you done with Brad?" Janet cried as she beat at frank with ineffective fists.
NOTHING YET, HE'S SAVING THE BEST FOR LAST
"Oh, well, nothing. Why, do you thing I should?" Frank said, a bit too eagerly.
" You tricked.... I wouldn't have....." Janet cried incoherently.
YES YOU WOULD!
I've never... never... " Janet sobbed wildly as she sat up.
NEVER? NEVER EVER? NEVER EVER EVER?
WHAT ABOUT THE FOOTBALL TEAM, BOY SCOUTS, AND THE GIRL SCOUTS, AND THE CHEARLEADING SQUAD?
THAT WAS JUST PRACTICE!
"Yes, yes, I know, but it isn't all bad, is it?" Frank replied, hoping to worm his way into her good graces, or her panties.
IT ISN'T ALL BRAD EITHER!
"...I think you really found it quite pleasurable." Frank said slyly.
"Oh, stop..." Janet cried, trying desperately to get out from under Frank.
{ "DON'T, STOP, DON'T STOP, DON'T STOP
"....I mean help... brad brad!... oh brad!!" Janet called out loudly.
HE'S NOT DOWN THERE! HE'S NEVER BEEN DOWN THERE!
" Shhh." Frank admonished, effectively silencing her, "Brad's probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you..."
HOW DO YOU FUCK SMALL FARM ANIMALS?
"....like....this!" Frank cried as he pulled Janet's legs up, causing her to simultaneously straddle him, and lay flat on her back
AASUME THE POSITION!
"Like this like how?! Oh, it's your fault... you're to blame..." Janet sobbed.
NO! SUE'S TO BLAME!
"Oh.....I was saving myself......" Janet said, sounding a bit less resistant than she had a minute ago.
FOR WHAT? A RAINY DAY? LOOK OUTSIDE BITCH, IT'S POURING!
"Yes, but I'm sure your not spent yet...." Frank encouraged.
ANYBODY GOT A CHANGE FOR A PENNY?!
"Promise you won't tell Brad? She whispered
SLUT!
I GUESS SO, BUT IS IT OKAY IF I FUCK HIS BRAINS OUT ANYWAY?
Frank said solemnly, "Cross my heart and hope to die....."
STICK A DILDO IN MY EYE, NOW SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND SPREAD YOU THIGHS!
The two shillouetted melded together and soon there was nothing but the sound of Janet giggling and some strange sucking noises.
OK! NOW SHE'S A SLUT!
"Oh, god! Oh my god! What are you doing to Hermione?!" Ron was near tears, realizing what was going to have to happen onstage between his best friend and the professor from hell.
"Well, I was kind of looking forward to it, actually," Hermione mused aloud.
There was a loud thud as Ron's unconscious hit the floor.
Miss Granger, I do believe we will have to start rehearsing this scene as soon as we return to the castle." Snape whispered to her.
"It will be my pleasure, sir." She replied, smiling wickedly.
"Ten bucks says the pleasure's not all hers." Remus bet Sirius.
"You're on!"
*****
Sometimes I feel as if I have created a monster. How is it that my little but of crap has garnered such a faithful following. It's damned intimidating. I really don't want to disappoint any of you and it's all getting so big and I think my head is going to explode! AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUG! Anyway, that's enough of my self-pitying ranting. I think I'll go eat ten packets of pop-rocks now.
Thank you and enjoy the show.
Be kind, Review.
