'Allo, 'Allo! Yeah! Go me! Eyes are all better now, and I have a new
pair of spiffy glasses that make me look all smart and cool. Here's a
lovely little game of I Have Never... along with some stuff you probably
never wanted to know...
Not really good at the responding to things, but I feel really bad about the lack f updates, so I'm making a concentrated effort here. So this is Me, responding to certain reviews now: (it's the interaction part of the day!)
To Lily: I was surprised how much like the 'Cannon Ginny'my Ginny turned out to be! It totally freaked me out. I nearly got her dead on, didn't I? That wasn't at all planned, but it's still pretty damn neat, isn't it? Don't think I'll have Umbridge in the story. I'm way too far gone into my own little world to worry about what JK's doing in hers.
To Purple Monkey D: I don't think I'll be reflecting the changes that occurred in Order of the phoenix. In fact, I think it would be damned stupid of me. First off, I would have to start over entirely, and that would suck. Secondly, fanfiction is all about taking a story you love and making it your own. If every fanfic writer went out and changed everything so that it reflects what JK does, then there would not be much of a point in writing fanfic at all. And I'm in Dallas. As far as I know, there's only one theatre in Dallas that does Midnight Showing of Rocky Horror, and that's the Angelika Film Center. (yes, the Angelika is spelled with the 'k') They've got a website, but I'm not sure about the Address. If you're too far from Dallas then don't sweat. Just look around your area for a theatre that shows Foreign or Art films, or ask around. I'm sure you'll find a place. And if you don't then I smell a road trip coming on.
*****
Chapter twenty: THAT was an overshare
*****
"So how exactly does one play "I have never'" Sirius inquired sitting cross legged on the floor. Ginny and Hermione, who had been sitting across from him at the time, let out small shrieks and scrambled for different places to sit.
"Well, we're going to play 'Strip I Have Never' so the rules are a bit different," Dee replied, shooting an amused glance at the girls who were murmuring dazedly about their eyes no longer being virgin. "This game involves sharing all your dirty secrets and getting near naked."
"Is that really necessary?" Snape interrupted. "Some of us are very nearly naked, and if I have to see Black take of one more article of those things he's wearing I swear by Merlin I shall gauge my own eyes out with a spoon."
"Why a spoon? Why not a knife?" Neville asked.
"Because it's dull, you twit. It'll hurt more!" Snape snapped back.
"Well, it could be worse." Dee reasoned. "We could go out and play strip padiddle."
"What in the sodding blazes is strip padiddle?"
"Well, that involves going out and finding car with busted headlights and getting near naked in the close confines of a car.'
"Blimey! Can we play that instead!?"
"Nah. No time. You need a whole afternoon. Plus, there aren't that many cars out this time of night."
You still have not answered my question.
"Well, I'll go first, and then you'll get the general idea. Anyone who has done the thing I name must throw an article of clothing into the middle of the floor. We all clear? Yes. Good. Let's begin. I have never..er...um...well..let's see here..um.HA! I got it! I have never..wait, no...Hermione' why don't you go first."
General sniggers followed, which Dee quelled with an imperious glare, looking very like McGonagle in the process. Hermione giggles and thought for a but before declaring, "I have never given a guy a hand job while a relative was in the same room."
Ginny's pristine while maid's apron fluttered to the floor conspicuously. Harry turned very red and Ron turned all sorts of interesting colors before finally passing out. Everyone else in the room could only stare in shock.
"what?" Ginny asked innocently. "Harry and I were fooling around in the common room one night when Ron burst in, so I ducked under the table where he wouldn't see me. Didn't see any reason not to finish what I started, so I kept at it."
"that was possible the most disturbing thing I've ever heard." Remus said. A horribly awkward silence followed, which went unbroken until Harry cleared his throat, and said loudly, "um, yeah. I've never made out with another guy before."
Remus' shoe, and Sirius's hair clip joined Ginny's apron on the floor. When everyone turned to look a them, Remus replied, "Drunk. I was very drunk. And besides, it was a long time ago."
"You fucking prat!" Sirius exclaimed playfully. "It was last week!"
"Was not!"
"Yes it was, don't' try do deny it. You love me, admit it!"
"shut it, Hound dog"
"Admit it, you loooooooooove the cock!"
"One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass" Dee said in a conversational tone. Everyone turned to stare at her, completely thunderstruck. "True story, " Dee continued, nodding merrily, like some deranged bobble head doll. "He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for my relatives and all, but the next week he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So I run into him a week later in the mall, and he's buying ANOTHER cat. So I says to him, 'Jesus Walt, what re you doing? You know you're just going to get this cat stuck in your as too, why don't you knock I off?" and he said to me, 'Dorie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?' My cousin was a weird guy."
While everyone was busy gawking at Dee, Snape stealthily crept forward and tried to deposit one of his earrings in the pile before anyone could notice. He would have managed it, had Draco not turned around and seen him. Draco let out an odd choked yelp and pointed frantically. Everyone else immediately pivoted to view Snape leaning forward and exposing quite a bit of chest in his efforts.
"HA! In flagrante, man!" Dee jumped up and did a crazy little dance while Snape shrugged with apparent nonchalance and pitched the earring into the pile.
"Holy crap! You kissed a man?!" Cho exclaimed, laughing riotously.
"Kindly stop butchering the Latin tongue, Miss Dorie. The language that survived the fall of the roman and empire is now meeting its grisly death at your hands."
"Quit trying to distract us and dish out the dirt, man!"
"Well it's not something I'm extremely proud of," Snape remarked testily.
"Hell, I'm surprised you've kissed anything at all" Ginny threw in snidely.
Snape's eyes blazed for a moment before he grabbed Ginny and planted one right on her lips. The kiss went on for a full minute, before Snape finally tore Ginny's lips away from her and set her unsteadily on her feet.
"well?" de asked expectantly.
"Well what? " Ginny said, more than slightly dazed.
"does he have strong lips?" She replied, eagerly.
"how can you tell." Draco asked.
"did you feel it in your knees?"
"I felt it everywhere!" Ginny exclaimed.
"Strong lips." De said firmly.
Hermione let out a triumphant whoop and spent the rest of the evening looking like a cat that had eaten a twenty-pound canary.
"Mione, prod Ron awake. It's his turn." A few minutes and several wet globs of toilet paper later, Ron was awake and very wet. After a moment's thought he said, "I have never seen a woman naked." Everyone save Ron and Neville threw in a piece of jewelry.
"All this time, and you haven't seen a woman naked?" Remus exclaimed, unbelievingly.
"look at us. 'Snot not like were the two most dead handsome blokes on the planet." Neville replied in a matter of fact tone. "We'd be lucky if we EVER saw a woman naked."
"What, wizards don't make porn?" Dorie asked.
"You never used the war line on some girl?"
"War line?" Ron and Neville asked in unison.
"Yeah, you know. The war line." After receiving more blank stares, Sirius grabbed Cho, looked deep into her eyes, and said, "the whole world is at war, and I'm right on the front lines. I may die tomorrow, but I know that if I get to be with you tonight then I shall truly die a happy man." After setting Cho back in her place, Sirius turned to Ron and Neville and said, "THAT is the war line."
"That actually worked?" Draco asked, his voice filled with skepticism.
"Many a time, with many a lady. Remember that stint in the hospital midway through the war? Well, that wasn't a bad hex like I said it was. It was actually the clap."
"That is the grossest thing I've ever heard." Cho said, turning a bit green.
"You're telling me! Poppy had to stick her wand up my-" Sirius was about to do some rather explicit had gestures, when Dee threw herself onto the floor, sobbing loudly. "STOP! Oh, god stop!"
"What? Why?" Sirius paused, mid-explicit gesture.
"If the wizards test for syphilis anything like the muggle one then I don't want to hear."
"What's the muggle test?" Everyone asked.
"They stick a pipe cleaner up your urethra."
There was silence for a moment while everyone processed this information. "what's a pipe cleaner?" Cho wondered aloud.
"It's like a fuzzy bit of wire."
"alright, then what's a urethra?"
"It's the thing in boys that caries pee-pee from the bladder to the outside world."
"you mean the-"
"Yes."
A horrified silence followed, all the males in the room let out odd high pitched noises that sounded suspiciously like crying and cupped their crotches in a protective manner.
"Serves you right for being a whore monger Sirius." Snape laughed gleefully.
"Hey! A man needs a little bit of comfort every now and then." Sirius said, a tad bit defensive.
"Yes, and that bit of comfort you had almost lead you the way of madness and decay."
"what?"
"Syphilis. It causes brain damage and cancer. Madness and decay."
"Alright, I get it. Can we continue with the game?"
"Ginny?"
"I've never had the hots for someone of the same gender as me."
Cho's shoe hit the floor with a thud. Closely followed by Hermione's stocking and Dee's rainbow shoelace. Sirius' left earring was next.
"So, whose your guilty pleasure then?"
"Tori Amos." Hermione admitted.
"Angelina Jolie." Cho declared.
George Michael was Sirius's choice.
"you had a Crush on WHAM!?"
"George Michael was not the only member of WHAM."
"He was the only one that counted, and the only one anyone ever remembers."
"did you throw a party when he got caught doing it with a cop in the bathroom?"
"Well..."
"Don't answer that, please." Harry interrupted his godfather. "I'd like to keep a halfway sane image of you."
Hermione began to hum under her breath, "Wake me up, before you go-go.."
"Dee?"
"Audrey Hepburn"
"Really?"
"Yes! Isn't she just a classic beauty! I love her!"
"Roman holiday was one of the greatest films ever made."
"Wasn't it just?!"
A loud 'thunk' interrupted Dee's gushing. Everyone turned to see Harry's now-naked toes wiggling guiltily, while his shoe sat in the growing pile of clothing.
"Sid Vicious." Was all he said.
Dee studied him for a moment before patting him heartily on the back. "Aaaawwright! I knew there was a reason I liked you so much!"
*****
end of chapter 20
*****
There are three movie references so far. One hundred points and an unlimited amount of chocolate frogs to the person that can get them all. I'll give you hints. One is a film co-starring Alan Rickman. I will be so incredibly disappointed in ALL of you if you don't get that one. Another reference is from a Kevin Smith film. (I know I already have too many, but I don't actually think it's possible to have too many, so nevermind." And the last one is from a John Hughes film made in the '80's. good luck. Thank you and enjoy the show.
Be Kind. Review.
Not really good at the responding to things, but I feel really bad about the lack f updates, so I'm making a concentrated effort here. So this is Me, responding to certain reviews now: (it's the interaction part of the day!)
To Lily: I was surprised how much like the 'Cannon Ginny'my Ginny turned out to be! It totally freaked me out. I nearly got her dead on, didn't I? That wasn't at all planned, but it's still pretty damn neat, isn't it? Don't think I'll have Umbridge in the story. I'm way too far gone into my own little world to worry about what JK's doing in hers.
To Purple Monkey D: I don't think I'll be reflecting the changes that occurred in Order of the phoenix. In fact, I think it would be damned stupid of me. First off, I would have to start over entirely, and that would suck. Secondly, fanfiction is all about taking a story you love and making it your own. If every fanfic writer went out and changed everything so that it reflects what JK does, then there would not be much of a point in writing fanfic at all. And I'm in Dallas. As far as I know, there's only one theatre in Dallas that does Midnight Showing of Rocky Horror, and that's the Angelika Film Center. (yes, the Angelika is spelled with the 'k') They've got a website, but I'm not sure about the Address. If you're too far from Dallas then don't sweat. Just look around your area for a theatre that shows Foreign or Art films, or ask around. I'm sure you'll find a place. And if you don't then I smell a road trip coming on.
*****
Chapter twenty: THAT was an overshare
*****
"So how exactly does one play "I have never'" Sirius inquired sitting cross legged on the floor. Ginny and Hermione, who had been sitting across from him at the time, let out small shrieks and scrambled for different places to sit.
"Well, we're going to play 'Strip I Have Never' so the rules are a bit different," Dee replied, shooting an amused glance at the girls who were murmuring dazedly about their eyes no longer being virgin. "This game involves sharing all your dirty secrets and getting near naked."
"Is that really necessary?" Snape interrupted. "Some of us are very nearly naked, and if I have to see Black take of one more article of those things he's wearing I swear by Merlin I shall gauge my own eyes out with a spoon."
"Why a spoon? Why not a knife?" Neville asked.
"Because it's dull, you twit. It'll hurt more!" Snape snapped back.
"Well, it could be worse." Dee reasoned. "We could go out and play strip padiddle."
"What in the sodding blazes is strip padiddle?"
"Well, that involves going out and finding car with busted headlights and getting near naked in the close confines of a car.'
"Blimey! Can we play that instead!?"
"Nah. No time. You need a whole afternoon. Plus, there aren't that many cars out this time of night."
You still have not answered my question.
"Well, I'll go first, and then you'll get the general idea. Anyone who has done the thing I name must throw an article of clothing into the middle of the floor. We all clear? Yes. Good. Let's begin. I have never..er...um...well..let's see here..um.HA! I got it! I have never..wait, no...Hermione' why don't you go first."
General sniggers followed, which Dee quelled with an imperious glare, looking very like McGonagle in the process. Hermione giggles and thought for a but before declaring, "I have never given a guy a hand job while a relative was in the same room."
Ginny's pristine while maid's apron fluttered to the floor conspicuously. Harry turned very red and Ron turned all sorts of interesting colors before finally passing out. Everyone else in the room could only stare in shock.
"what?" Ginny asked innocently. "Harry and I were fooling around in the common room one night when Ron burst in, so I ducked under the table where he wouldn't see me. Didn't see any reason not to finish what I started, so I kept at it."
"that was possible the most disturbing thing I've ever heard." Remus said. A horribly awkward silence followed, which went unbroken until Harry cleared his throat, and said loudly, "um, yeah. I've never made out with another guy before."
Remus' shoe, and Sirius's hair clip joined Ginny's apron on the floor. When everyone turned to look a them, Remus replied, "Drunk. I was very drunk. And besides, it was a long time ago."
"You fucking prat!" Sirius exclaimed playfully. "It was last week!"
"Was not!"
"Yes it was, don't' try do deny it. You love me, admit it!"
"shut it, Hound dog"
"Admit it, you loooooooooove the cock!"
"One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass" Dee said in a conversational tone. Everyone turned to stare at her, completely thunderstruck. "True story, " Dee continued, nodding merrily, like some deranged bobble head doll. "He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrassing for my relatives and all, but the next week he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So I run into him a week later in the mall, and he's buying ANOTHER cat. So I says to him, 'Jesus Walt, what re you doing? You know you're just going to get this cat stuck in your as too, why don't you knock I off?" and he said to me, 'Dorie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?' My cousin was a weird guy."
While everyone was busy gawking at Dee, Snape stealthily crept forward and tried to deposit one of his earrings in the pile before anyone could notice. He would have managed it, had Draco not turned around and seen him. Draco let out an odd choked yelp and pointed frantically. Everyone else immediately pivoted to view Snape leaning forward and exposing quite a bit of chest in his efforts.
"HA! In flagrante, man!" Dee jumped up and did a crazy little dance while Snape shrugged with apparent nonchalance and pitched the earring into the pile.
"Holy crap! You kissed a man?!" Cho exclaimed, laughing riotously.
"Kindly stop butchering the Latin tongue, Miss Dorie. The language that survived the fall of the roman and empire is now meeting its grisly death at your hands."
"Quit trying to distract us and dish out the dirt, man!"
"Well it's not something I'm extremely proud of," Snape remarked testily.
"Hell, I'm surprised you've kissed anything at all" Ginny threw in snidely.
Snape's eyes blazed for a moment before he grabbed Ginny and planted one right on her lips. The kiss went on for a full minute, before Snape finally tore Ginny's lips away from her and set her unsteadily on her feet.
"well?" de asked expectantly.
"Well what? " Ginny said, more than slightly dazed.
"does he have strong lips?" She replied, eagerly.
"how can you tell." Draco asked.
"did you feel it in your knees?"
"I felt it everywhere!" Ginny exclaimed.
"Strong lips." De said firmly.
Hermione let out a triumphant whoop and spent the rest of the evening looking like a cat that had eaten a twenty-pound canary.
"Mione, prod Ron awake. It's his turn." A few minutes and several wet globs of toilet paper later, Ron was awake and very wet. After a moment's thought he said, "I have never seen a woman naked." Everyone save Ron and Neville threw in a piece of jewelry.
"All this time, and you haven't seen a woman naked?" Remus exclaimed, unbelievingly.
"look at us. 'Snot not like were the two most dead handsome blokes on the planet." Neville replied in a matter of fact tone. "We'd be lucky if we EVER saw a woman naked."
"What, wizards don't make porn?" Dorie asked.
"You never used the war line on some girl?"
"War line?" Ron and Neville asked in unison.
"Yeah, you know. The war line." After receiving more blank stares, Sirius grabbed Cho, looked deep into her eyes, and said, "the whole world is at war, and I'm right on the front lines. I may die tomorrow, but I know that if I get to be with you tonight then I shall truly die a happy man." After setting Cho back in her place, Sirius turned to Ron and Neville and said, "THAT is the war line."
"That actually worked?" Draco asked, his voice filled with skepticism.
"Many a time, with many a lady. Remember that stint in the hospital midway through the war? Well, that wasn't a bad hex like I said it was. It was actually the clap."
"That is the grossest thing I've ever heard." Cho said, turning a bit green.
"You're telling me! Poppy had to stick her wand up my-" Sirius was about to do some rather explicit had gestures, when Dee threw herself onto the floor, sobbing loudly. "STOP! Oh, god stop!"
"What? Why?" Sirius paused, mid-explicit gesture.
"If the wizards test for syphilis anything like the muggle one then I don't want to hear."
"What's the muggle test?" Everyone asked.
"They stick a pipe cleaner up your urethra."
There was silence for a moment while everyone processed this information. "what's a pipe cleaner?" Cho wondered aloud.
"It's like a fuzzy bit of wire."
"alright, then what's a urethra?"
"It's the thing in boys that caries pee-pee from the bladder to the outside world."
"you mean the-"
"Yes."
A horrified silence followed, all the males in the room let out odd high pitched noises that sounded suspiciously like crying and cupped their crotches in a protective manner.
"Serves you right for being a whore monger Sirius." Snape laughed gleefully.
"Hey! A man needs a little bit of comfort every now and then." Sirius said, a tad bit defensive.
"Yes, and that bit of comfort you had almost lead you the way of madness and decay."
"what?"
"Syphilis. It causes brain damage and cancer. Madness and decay."
"Alright, I get it. Can we continue with the game?"
"Ginny?"
"I've never had the hots for someone of the same gender as me."
Cho's shoe hit the floor with a thud. Closely followed by Hermione's stocking and Dee's rainbow shoelace. Sirius' left earring was next.
"So, whose your guilty pleasure then?"
"Tori Amos." Hermione admitted.
"Angelina Jolie." Cho declared.
George Michael was Sirius's choice.
"you had a Crush on WHAM!?"
"George Michael was not the only member of WHAM."
"He was the only one that counted, and the only one anyone ever remembers."
"did you throw a party when he got caught doing it with a cop in the bathroom?"
"Well..."
"Don't answer that, please." Harry interrupted his godfather. "I'd like to keep a halfway sane image of you."
Hermione began to hum under her breath, "Wake me up, before you go-go.."
"Dee?"
"Audrey Hepburn"
"Really?"
"Yes! Isn't she just a classic beauty! I love her!"
"Roman holiday was one of the greatest films ever made."
"Wasn't it just?!"
A loud 'thunk' interrupted Dee's gushing. Everyone turned to see Harry's now-naked toes wiggling guiltily, while his shoe sat in the growing pile of clothing.
"Sid Vicious." Was all he said.
Dee studied him for a moment before patting him heartily on the back. "Aaaawwright! I knew there was a reason I liked you so much!"
*****
end of chapter 20
*****
There are three movie references so far. One hundred points and an unlimited amount of chocolate frogs to the person that can get them all. I'll give you hints. One is a film co-starring Alan Rickman. I will be so incredibly disappointed in ALL of you if you don't get that one. Another reference is from a Kevin Smith film. (I know I already have too many, but I don't actually think it's possible to have too many, so nevermind." And the last one is from a John Hughes film made in the '80's. good luck. Thank you and enjoy the show.
Be Kind. Review.
