Time went inexorably on. November came, and with it the first frosts of
the winter season. Severus Snape regarded the hoarfrost on the windowpanes
with irony. Once he had taken the coming of the frigid, lonely winter as a
symbol of the season of life that he approached; now it came in contrast to
the ice that was melting from his cold heart. All because of Perdita
Clemens, that Auror girl who had been injured in the Hogsmeade attack on
Halloween.
The girl slowly recuperated and was able to leave the infirmary in mid- November. Snape was disappointed to have to say good-bye. He knew he had only been assigned to guard her because it kept him away from the wreckage of Hogsmeade, from the Phoenixes and Aurors whom he disliked, from the eyes of Voldemort's spies, possibly watching the village from afar; but in truth Snape had rather enjoyed being someone's protector. Also, the girl, knowing little of his appalling past and caring even less, treated him not with distrust, like many of her Phoenix colleagues, but with genuine kindness.
One night she could not sleep and they played wizard chess. She had innocently enquired whether he had been Potions master since leaving school. At first he thought she was being mocking, deliberately mean; but when he realized she really didn't know, he felt compelled to confess to her that he had been a Death Eater. Then she understood why he was not a member of the Order of the Phoenix, and why everyone, Fletch included, spoke his name with a wary sort of acrimony. She did not hate him, however; his mistakes had been made and paid for, she said, and she respected him more for his honesty. Snape could not find the courage to tell her that he was still making mistakes, and that he hadn't finished paying for the ones he had made before, would never finish paying until he was dead.
There was sincere regret on both sides when the two, who in two weeks had become quite attached, parted. Against all odds, Snape realized, they had become friends. Just after the fall of Lord Voldemort, when he had panicked and sold out his comrades for immunity from the Ministry, it had given Snape quite a shock to realize that he had no friends left; that shock, whenever he was reminded now of his loneliness, had dulled to a throb in the nether regions of his heart.
These things he had revealed to no one. Until Perdita Clemens, Snape had not had a real friend since his schoolboy days at Hogwarts, when his social circle had included fiercely loyal friends like Derrick Lestrange. Severus had been much younger than Derrick, so Lestrange had been a kind of role model. But he had left Hogwarts in third year, and had returned to England an affirmed Death Eater.
Lestrange and Snape, old friends from school, had reunited and enjoyed a brief period in the exclusive group of Voldemort's most loyal Death Eaters. Lestrange still held that position now, but Snape was getting nervous, and with good reason. He was not being contacted for anything- Voldemort was deliberately keeping him in the dark. The pranks at school, the dragon- he hadn't known about any of it until it had happened. Even the jailbreak- he hadn't found out until a month later, at the next meeting to which he was called, when he had been greeted by Lestrange in the flesh. Afterwards Snape had struggled with himself: if he told Dumbledore about the jailbreak, it would become painfully obvious to the other Death Eaters that he was spying for the Order of the Phoenix, as he had apparently been the last of them to learn of the escape; but if he did not tell, how else could Dumbledore find out?
In the end he had told Albus, but had pleaded for discretion and a reasonable delay, which were duly promised. Was Dumbledore a friend? Albus Dumbledore-teacher, leader, all-knowing sage; but friend? Though Dumbledore always claimed to be everyone's friend, in the end Snape knew the disparity between himself and that great wizard was too wide to bridge. As often as Dumbledore might incur Snape's ire by favouring the brat Potter, Severus knew the wise, sagacious Albus was ten thousand times the wizard Snape would ever be. The Headmaster was incorruptible, a pure untainted force to lead their side in the war against the thoroughly evil Lord Voldemort; whereas Snape was too much like Voldemort himself.
Arabella Figg's face- handsome, smiling, wrinkled (careworn, as Minerva McGonagall sometimes said fondly)- leaped to mind when Snape thought of friends, but was their relationship really friendship? Certainly Bella had mentored Snape, taught him everything he knew about Potions. How easy it was to brew Potions- a plain science, requiring no philosophy or self- assessment. "Pour chopped ginger roots into cauldron, stir counterclockwise for ninety seconds, cover and let simmer." Easy enough to do, easier than murder. And yet murder was simply raising a wand and pronouncing two words, two short words that for Snape had left a bitter, dirty taste on his tongue. Bella had imparted to him a passion for Potions, something he could keep forever inside himself, no matter what else he did. But Bella, like Dumbledore, was pure. Snape felt unworthy of Bella's and Dumbledore's friendship, and voluntarily isolated himself from them when he could.
Where else could he turn for friendship? The real members of the Order of the Phoenix steered clear of him, feeling it was career suicide to associate with a former Death Eater. Severus Snape had a stigma, a disgraceful aura that pushed people away. Remus Lupin was secure enough of himself to subtly offer Snape his friendship, but though Snape knew beggars couldn't be choosers, he wasn't so desperate for company to take up with a werewolf and best friend of James Potter. And Mundungus Fletcher- Snape respected him well enough, but Fletch saw only the forked tongue of a Death Eater when Snape addressed him.
That was why Snape enjoyed the company of Perdita Clemens. It was in her nature to love without prejudice, and not judge as others did. And she was so young: older, more mature, than the brats he taught, but not as old was the venerable Dumbledore. She carried with her the sins of youth itself, that intangible delinquent appeal unique to the young. Snape had never met such a person. For the first time in a long time he loved someone. It was a platonic love, not the kind that Fletch had for Perdita- Snape could see the man had marked his territory. But it was her vivacity that attracted him: she was so alive! Bella was ancient, Albus even more so, and Snape himself, painfully obvious as a spy in Voldemort's circle, took a step closer to Death's waiting arms every day.
He had only ever known one other person so alive as Perdita. Solange Figg had been different from Perdita in that Perdita was innately good, whereas Solange was innately bad. Young Severus had known it the moment he saw Solange, but it hadn't kept him from wanting her. Bella Figg's family had Veela blood in it somewhere, Snape knew, which may have explained his desire for the beautiful, Veela-like Solange. But she, too, had been alive, living every day to the fullest. Snape wondered, had he felt so dead even in his youth, that he would want someone alive to counter his numbness? She was the only woman he'd ever been in love with. She'd known he was in love with her, but she'd made it clear the feelings weren't mutual.
For Solange's part, she'd been in love with Derrick Lestrange since they'd all been in Slytherin together. Snape supposed those two had known they would end up together, and that was why Solange had never shown emotion for anyone after Derrick had moved away.
Severus had been infinitely miserable the day he heard she was dead. Perhaps his love for Solange had been the reason he had become so attached to her mother, Bella. He'd known she was a retired Auror, and had found it hard to believe that Solange, his very Slytherin Solange, was descended from a former Gryffindor. And though he already knew he would become a Death Eater when he left school, Snape had let himself become Professor Figg's favourite student. Maybe he felt that in a way he was with Solange.
Then Derrick Lestrange had returned to England. When Snape heard he had married a Death Eater witch, he had known the identity of the mystery bride immediately. The realization had struck him like lightning: she'd faked her own death in order to leave England and marry Derrick Lestrange.
He hadn't told Professor Figg because he hadn't wanted her to know Solange was alive and back in the country, though it hadn't occurred to him that she knew, had always known, who Maldora Lestrange was. Few had connected the evil Maldora Lestrange with Solange Figg, the sweet beautiful daughter of famous Auror Arabella Figg, and the only other people who knew her true identity were her old friends who were now Death Eaters as well: Avery, MacNair, Nott, Mulciber, and the rest; and Snape. When he'd heard she was dead, sixteen-year-old Severus had given up all hope of finding love ever again- Solange had had that effect on him. When she materialized again in his life he had immediately fallen in love with her again.
The problem was, she was a married woman, and as he now recognized that Perdita's heart belonged to Fletch, he needed to see that Maldora belonged to Derrick Lestrange. Yet- he couldn't let go. It was living that adolescent yearning all over again, and again she did not reciprocate; but she also did not tell Derrick. If Derrick knew Severus was in love with his wife, he would have duelled Snape and killed him. Lord Voldemort knew it, and had expressly requested Maldora not to tell her husband. Back in those days Snape had been useful to Voldemort and he wished to keep his Death Eaters from fighting.
Then Voldemort had fallen, and the Lestranges had been banished to Azkaban, partially because of Snape's testimony. Snape had breathed easier. Now his clumsy adoration had come back to haunt him. Derrick and Maldora Lestrange were alive and free, and at the last Death Eaters meeting Voldemort had taken him aside privately and threatened him. Only the two of them knew what had been said.
The conference was brief and to the point: Voldemort knew that Snape was spying for Dumbledore. He also knew Snape was in love with Maldora. Two strikes against Snape.
Snape was given a choice: he could continue spying for Albus Dumbledore and Voldemort would allow Maldora to inform Derrick Lestrange of alleged advances by Snape, who would promptly be killed by Lestrange; or he could be a good Death Eater, obey Voldemort, and feed Dumbledore false information, becoming a double-double agent, and his life would be spared, at least for a while. If he did not accept the conditions of either of these choices, or if he went to Dumbledore, or if he later broke his promise, he would be killed on the spot by Voldemort himself, and his name and memory vilified and spit upon.
Snape was caught between two rocks and a hard place. But he knew which answer would at least give him time to think of a way out.
He had promised to betray Dumbledore.
The girl slowly recuperated and was able to leave the infirmary in mid- November. Snape was disappointed to have to say good-bye. He knew he had only been assigned to guard her because it kept him away from the wreckage of Hogsmeade, from the Phoenixes and Aurors whom he disliked, from the eyes of Voldemort's spies, possibly watching the village from afar; but in truth Snape had rather enjoyed being someone's protector. Also, the girl, knowing little of his appalling past and caring even less, treated him not with distrust, like many of her Phoenix colleagues, but with genuine kindness.
One night she could not sleep and they played wizard chess. She had innocently enquired whether he had been Potions master since leaving school. At first he thought she was being mocking, deliberately mean; but when he realized she really didn't know, he felt compelled to confess to her that he had been a Death Eater. Then she understood why he was not a member of the Order of the Phoenix, and why everyone, Fletch included, spoke his name with a wary sort of acrimony. She did not hate him, however; his mistakes had been made and paid for, she said, and she respected him more for his honesty. Snape could not find the courage to tell her that he was still making mistakes, and that he hadn't finished paying for the ones he had made before, would never finish paying until he was dead.
There was sincere regret on both sides when the two, who in two weeks had become quite attached, parted. Against all odds, Snape realized, they had become friends. Just after the fall of Lord Voldemort, when he had panicked and sold out his comrades for immunity from the Ministry, it had given Snape quite a shock to realize that he had no friends left; that shock, whenever he was reminded now of his loneliness, had dulled to a throb in the nether regions of his heart.
These things he had revealed to no one. Until Perdita Clemens, Snape had not had a real friend since his schoolboy days at Hogwarts, when his social circle had included fiercely loyal friends like Derrick Lestrange. Severus had been much younger than Derrick, so Lestrange had been a kind of role model. But he had left Hogwarts in third year, and had returned to England an affirmed Death Eater.
Lestrange and Snape, old friends from school, had reunited and enjoyed a brief period in the exclusive group of Voldemort's most loyal Death Eaters. Lestrange still held that position now, but Snape was getting nervous, and with good reason. He was not being contacted for anything- Voldemort was deliberately keeping him in the dark. The pranks at school, the dragon- he hadn't known about any of it until it had happened. Even the jailbreak- he hadn't found out until a month later, at the next meeting to which he was called, when he had been greeted by Lestrange in the flesh. Afterwards Snape had struggled with himself: if he told Dumbledore about the jailbreak, it would become painfully obvious to the other Death Eaters that he was spying for the Order of the Phoenix, as he had apparently been the last of them to learn of the escape; but if he did not tell, how else could Dumbledore find out?
In the end he had told Albus, but had pleaded for discretion and a reasonable delay, which were duly promised. Was Dumbledore a friend? Albus Dumbledore-teacher, leader, all-knowing sage; but friend? Though Dumbledore always claimed to be everyone's friend, in the end Snape knew the disparity between himself and that great wizard was too wide to bridge. As often as Dumbledore might incur Snape's ire by favouring the brat Potter, Severus knew the wise, sagacious Albus was ten thousand times the wizard Snape would ever be. The Headmaster was incorruptible, a pure untainted force to lead their side in the war against the thoroughly evil Lord Voldemort; whereas Snape was too much like Voldemort himself.
Arabella Figg's face- handsome, smiling, wrinkled (careworn, as Minerva McGonagall sometimes said fondly)- leaped to mind when Snape thought of friends, but was their relationship really friendship? Certainly Bella had mentored Snape, taught him everything he knew about Potions. How easy it was to brew Potions- a plain science, requiring no philosophy or self- assessment. "Pour chopped ginger roots into cauldron, stir counterclockwise for ninety seconds, cover and let simmer." Easy enough to do, easier than murder. And yet murder was simply raising a wand and pronouncing two words, two short words that for Snape had left a bitter, dirty taste on his tongue. Bella had imparted to him a passion for Potions, something he could keep forever inside himself, no matter what else he did. But Bella, like Dumbledore, was pure. Snape felt unworthy of Bella's and Dumbledore's friendship, and voluntarily isolated himself from them when he could.
Where else could he turn for friendship? The real members of the Order of the Phoenix steered clear of him, feeling it was career suicide to associate with a former Death Eater. Severus Snape had a stigma, a disgraceful aura that pushed people away. Remus Lupin was secure enough of himself to subtly offer Snape his friendship, but though Snape knew beggars couldn't be choosers, he wasn't so desperate for company to take up with a werewolf and best friend of James Potter. And Mundungus Fletcher- Snape respected him well enough, but Fletch saw only the forked tongue of a Death Eater when Snape addressed him.
That was why Snape enjoyed the company of Perdita Clemens. It was in her nature to love without prejudice, and not judge as others did. And she was so young: older, more mature, than the brats he taught, but not as old was the venerable Dumbledore. She carried with her the sins of youth itself, that intangible delinquent appeal unique to the young. Snape had never met such a person. For the first time in a long time he loved someone. It was a platonic love, not the kind that Fletch had for Perdita- Snape could see the man had marked his territory. But it was her vivacity that attracted him: she was so alive! Bella was ancient, Albus even more so, and Snape himself, painfully obvious as a spy in Voldemort's circle, took a step closer to Death's waiting arms every day.
He had only ever known one other person so alive as Perdita. Solange Figg had been different from Perdita in that Perdita was innately good, whereas Solange was innately bad. Young Severus had known it the moment he saw Solange, but it hadn't kept him from wanting her. Bella Figg's family had Veela blood in it somewhere, Snape knew, which may have explained his desire for the beautiful, Veela-like Solange. But she, too, had been alive, living every day to the fullest. Snape wondered, had he felt so dead even in his youth, that he would want someone alive to counter his numbness? She was the only woman he'd ever been in love with. She'd known he was in love with her, but she'd made it clear the feelings weren't mutual.
For Solange's part, she'd been in love with Derrick Lestrange since they'd all been in Slytherin together. Snape supposed those two had known they would end up together, and that was why Solange had never shown emotion for anyone after Derrick had moved away.
Severus had been infinitely miserable the day he heard she was dead. Perhaps his love for Solange had been the reason he had become so attached to her mother, Bella. He'd known she was a retired Auror, and had found it hard to believe that Solange, his very Slytherin Solange, was descended from a former Gryffindor. And though he already knew he would become a Death Eater when he left school, Snape had let himself become Professor Figg's favourite student. Maybe he felt that in a way he was with Solange.
Then Derrick Lestrange had returned to England. When Snape heard he had married a Death Eater witch, he had known the identity of the mystery bride immediately. The realization had struck him like lightning: she'd faked her own death in order to leave England and marry Derrick Lestrange.
He hadn't told Professor Figg because he hadn't wanted her to know Solange was alive and back in the country, though it hadn't occurred to him that she knew, had always known, who Maldora Lestrange was. Few had connected the evil Maldora Lestrange with Solange Figg, the sweet beautiful daughter of famous Auror Arabella Figg, and the only other people who knew her true identity were her old friends who were now Death Eaters as well: Avery, MacNair, Nott, Mulciber, and the rest; and Snape. When he'd heard she was dead, sixteen-year-old Severus had given up all hope of finding love ever again- Solange had had that effect on him. When she materialized again in his life he had immediately fallen in love with her again.
The problem was, she was a married woman, and as he now recognized that Perdita's heart belonged to Fletch, he needed to see that Maldora belonged to Derrick Lestrange. Yet- he couldn't let go. It was living that adolescent yearning all over again, and again she did not reciprocate; but she also did not tell Derrick. If Derrick knew Severus was in love with his wife, he would have duelled Snape and killed him. Lord Voldemort knew it, and had expressly requested Maldora not to tell her husband. Back in those days Snape had been useful to Voldemort and he wished to keep his Death Eaters from fighting.
Then Voldemort had fallen, and the Lestranges had been banished to Azkaban, partially because of Snape's testimony. Snape had breathed easier. Now his clumsy adoration had come back to haunt him. Derrick and Maldora Lestrange were alive and free, and at the last Death Eaters meeting Voldemort had taken him aside privately and threatened him. Only the two of them knew what had been said.
The conference was brief and to the point: Voldemort knew that Snape was spying for Dumbledore. He also knew Snape was in love with Maldora. Two strikes against Snape.
Snape was given a choice: he could continue spying for Albus Dumbledore and Voldemort would allow Maldora to inform Derrick Lestrange of alleged advances by Snape, who would promptly be killed by Lestrange; or he could be a good Death Eater, obey Voldemort, and feed Dumbledore false information, becoming a double-double agent, and his life would be spared, at least for a while. If he did not accept the conditions of either of these choices, or if he went to Dumbledore, or if he later broke his promise, he would be killed on the spot by Voldemort himself, and his name and memory vilified and spit upon.
Snape was caught between two rocks and a hard place. But he knew which answer would at least give him time to think of a way out.
He had promised to betray Dumbledore.
