Disclaimer: I own nothing! Not even Disney! Sure wish I did though. Do you have any idea how rich I'd be? Man, that's a whole lotta bagels..

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Harry Potter and the Horrible, Awful, Terrible, Atrocious, Ghastly, Repulsive, Very Bad Plot!

By: Liz Swarthy

Chapter Eight: The Incredible Movie Caper!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The readers of this fic that is at this time (which is now) being read, sit before a movie screen. Oooh. They are waiting to watch the most phenomenally cast yet worst directed film of all time, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets! There is cheering as the lights go out and the movie begins. Everyone settles down into their seats, all comfy with their popcorn, just happy to be here and expecting the best out of this movie. Poor fucks. Everyone whoops and hollers as the title flashes on the screen with an overly loud blast of thunderous sound. The next scene starts and everyone hangs on the edge of their seats, waiting intensely to see what mix up in the plot will happen next. Dun dun duuuuuuuuuun!

Draco runs into the Potion classroom, soaked and slightly out of breath. Snape looks at him with concern and, sighing, makes his way over to the pathetic tortured boy. "Draco," he asks, careful not to provoke his wild animal instincts and be eaten alive like the bug he is, "why are you all wet?"

"It's food day!" Draco says impatiently.

"Huh?"

Draco sighs and explains to the stupid professor whom he hates so much. "Every two and a half weeks, on Tuesday, of course, I bring Figglewart the Squid a plate of bacon."

"Figglewart is a squid?"

"But today we were out of bacon! So I asked my Daddy what to give him and he said calamari!"

"You asked your father what to feed a squid."

"I can't give Figglewart calamari! Do you know what calamari is?"

"Squid?"

"IT'S SQUID! If I gave Figglewart calamari, I'd be an abomination! I'm late because I had to travel to London to get bacon ('cause Hogsmead didn't have any) 'cause all we have is. IS STINKIN' CALAMARI!" Draco finished, breathing heavily.

"Draco," Snape asked, with super extra care not to unleash his demonic side, as he had seen when Draco had tried to kill Harry and his friends by dressing up spoons to look like them and shoving them in a pickle jar, "why is this so important to you?"

Draco immediately calmed down. "Figglewart controls the weather."

Suddenly, a huge wave washed away Hogwarts leaving only Figglewart hanging on a tree.

The audience looks around in confusion. Suddenly, without and warning at all (boy, doesn't that sound rude!) the scene disappeared and was replaced. WITH A NEW ONE! (betcha didn't see that one coming!)

Harry was running through the fields by the Burrow in an apron, singing: "I want adventure in the great, wide somewhere!" He sat up as he heard a whinny! He turned around to see his Firebolt streaking through the air toward him. "Phillip!" he cried. He grabbed hold of "Phillip"

Suddenly, he noticed. something. Dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuun! "Hey! Where's Ron! Why isn't Ron with you? He's supposed to be awake by now! TAKE ME TO HIM!" Harry hops onto the broomstick and flies off.

Harry soon found himself in front of a huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge mansion. gate. There was a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig M. on the gate. Harry and his broomstick walked through the grounds to the obvious mansion which belonged to our beloved-

"SHHH! THAT'S A SECRET!" shouted a voice. Harry didn't notice. Instead he walked right into the mansion and out of my trap. Damn.

"Hello! Is anybody home?" Harry cried.

Draco ran by. WITHOUT PANTS!

"Anybody?" Harry tried again.

Draco ran back on stage and off again. WITHOUT PANTS!

Harry stopped. "I'm on a stage? Since when? I was in a field, and then a castle gate and then inside a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig mansion, but never on a stage! When did I get on a stage! I'm not supposed to be on a stage! The stage directions are all wrong!"

Draco ran by again wearing nothing but his shorts on his head, waving his arms around and screaming, "The 'F' word is bad! The 'F' word is bad!"

"And why am I all alone?" Harry continued. "Where is everybody? Even my broomstick left me! And it's all dark in here!" Harry screamed, waving his arms around to show the well lit room. "I haven't seen a single human since this whole damn thing began!"

Draco ran by wearing purple leopard print, stopping only to fix his fro.

"And how did this manor suddenly turn into a stage?!?" A stage light shines down brightly upon him. "Oh, no. I know what your thinking, you stupid author!" GASP! Can you believe the nerve of this guy? "I am not going to-" Harry breaks out into the song, Mecavity, The Mystery Cat.

Draco walks back out wearing a Rum Tum Tugger suit and dances in the background.

Harry finishes his song, which belongs to Andre Lord Webber, so don't sue, and pouts. Draco pounces on his head. Harry shrieks and all the glass everywhere in the world breaks.

*in Aussy accent* Professor Flitwick and Professor Sprout can be seen talking on a balcony! Criky! Let's go see!

"I am not some prize to be won!" Sprout said furiously.

"Damn strait!" Flitwick said.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?" Sprout shouted angrily.

"Y-you're right!" Flitwick said quickly. "You're not some prize to be won."

"That's right! Now, why don't you just- just jump off a balcony, ok?" Sprout turned her back to the short professor.

"WHAT?!?"

"I'm upset with you! Go away!" Sprout shouted over her shoulder.

"Fine!" Flitwick said, sounding hurt. "I will jump off some balcony!" He turned around and climbed up the railing, with some difficulty, and then he stepped off.

Sprout gasped. "NOOOO!"

"What?" Flitwick said, his head popping up over the railing.

"How- did you do that?" Sprout asked.

"What? This?" Flitwick motioned at himself. "It's the books!" Sprout looked over the railing to see Flitwick standing on a ridiculously high stack of books. Suddenly, Flitwick was back on the balcony. "Would you like to take a ride on my broomstick?"

"Oh!" Sprout slapped him.

"It's just my mode of transportation." Flitwick whined.

"Oh, ok!" Sprout said cheerfully.

"Cor!" Flitwick said, jumping out and pulling a Nimbus 2003 out of nowhere. The two professors climbed onto the broom and soared up into the crystal clear sky. They went on a tour of Europe and burst into spontaneous song. A WHOLE NEW WOOOOOOOORLD!

Meanwhile.

Somewhere in the savannah, Draco was lost. "Damn," he swore, and then he fell (because the script told him to) and was surrounded by massive man- eating canaries.

Ron smiled.

Suddenly, Harry and Ron showed up (Ron carrying Harry on his shoulders) and chased off the canaries. Harry and Ron have been living together in the desert after being shunned from the rest of the world. But we'll get to that later. Harry tried climbed off Ron's shoulders, but fell instead, and sighed. "Whose idea was it to give a group of cannibals Canary Crèmes?

"Mine!" George said cheerily, munching on a toffee as he skipped past.

Harry raised an eyebrow. "Why'd I even ask?"

"Oh, Harry!" Ron said as he spotted Draco on the ground, covered in dust and looking very sexy, which pleased the Author more than you could possibly know. "You'd better come look. I think it's still alive!"

Harry cringed and scrunched up his face. "So what've we got here?" He moved the hand to get a better view of Draco's face. "Oi! It's a Malfoy!" He ran back and jumped on Ron's back, making Ron buckle over. He rolled off and climbed back on as Ron got up, tugging at his shirt. "Run, Ron! Run!

"Hey, Harry. It's just a little Malfoy." Ron said, looking up at Harry then back at Draco, who was still adorable in his dirtiness. "He's so cute and all alone!" Harry cringed. "Hey! It's in the script." Ron said defensively before going back to the scene. "Can we keep 'im?

"Harry grabbed his ear and nearly yelled into it. "Are you nuts? You're talking about a Malfoy here! Malfoy's kill guys like us!"

"But he's so little."

"He's gonna get bigger."

"Maybe he'll be on our side!"

Harry laughed. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Maybe he'll be. Hey! Wait a minute," he paused. "What if he's on our side?" Harry looked as though he had just tripped upon the most brilliant idea ever to enter his brain. "Y'know, having a Malfoy on our side might not be such a bad idea," he said, while climbing back on Ron's back.

"So' we're keepin' 'im?" Ron said cheerfully while picking Draco up in his arms. Draco happed to be as light as a feather, just to Ron wouldn't buckle under the weight. Isn't that convenient?

"Pshh. Of course, who's the brains of this outfit?"

"Uh." Ron looked as if thinking was the hardest thing he had ever done in his entire life.

"My point exactly. Geeze, I'm fried," Harry said, whipping some sweat from his forehead. Ron grunted. "Let's get out of here and find some shade."

When they were in the shade and by a conveniently placed waterhole, they splashed Draco with some water, making him look even sexier as they woke him up. He had actually fallen asleep while the two had been chatting. He groaned as his eyes fluttered open.

"You OK, kid?" Harry asked.

"Like hell I am." Draco said, pushing himself into a sitting position.

"You nearly died. I save you!" Harry said. Ron elbowed him hard in the side. "Well, Ron helped." Ron smiled. "A little.

"Thanks for your help," Draco said sarcastically. He got up and started to walk off.

"Hey! Where're you going?" Harry asked.

"Nowhere," Draco answered, starting off with his hands in his pockets.

When he was out of earshot, Harry turned to Ron and said, "Gee, he looks blue."

"I'd say pale and blonde!" Ron said excitedly as he showed off his intellect.

"No, I mean he's depressed."

"Oh." Ron's expressing turned to one of sympathy. Ron and Harry quickly caught up with the whistling Draco, who frowned at they're approach. "Kid, what's eatin' you?"

"Nothing! He's at the top of the food chain!" Harry laughed at his own joke and whipped at tear from his eye. "The food chain." Harry's laugh died when he saw that no one else was laughing with him. "So. where're you from?"

"Who cares? I can't go back." He stared at his nails, frowning when he saw one was chipped.

"So. you're an outcast!" Harry said. Draco glared at him as if Harry had just said the most insulting thing on the planet. "That's great! So are we!" Harry gestured to Ron and himself.

"So, what'd you do, kid?" Ron asked.

"Oh, I joined the Death Eaters, killed my own father and became filthy stinkin' rich!" Draco beamed with pride. Harry and Ron just stared. Then Draco's grin turned to a frown as he said, "And then that stupid idiot of a Dark Lord had to get himself killed. My reputation had absolutely gone to the birds, especially after I had killed all those other people. It was six feet under and there were a whole lot of others that would have seen me go down with it." Harry and Ron blinked. "So, I had to get out. I left Dumbledore to become high king and everything was fine. Until those hyenas from the Ministry came in and repossessed everything I had, blaming it on back taxes. So what if I'd skipped a few years? But, I was left high and dry and nowhere to go. So one day I took a stroll in Muggle town called Hollywood, thank whatever high spirits rule the universe that they didn't break my wand in two, so I could still Apparate, and I ran into this guy named Steven Spelberg. Who in they're right mind would name some poor kid Spelberg, eh?" Harry and Ron looked at one another and shrugged. "But, anyway, he told me that I was perfect. And of course I was! Who could possibly be more perfect than I?" Harry and Ron kept staring. "So, I struck the lead role in this flick and I think that's about it.

"Well." Harry started. "I was never accepted as an Auror and I got all depressed and such and Ron here." He leaned forward. "He has this problem with his bowels."

Draco snorted. "Like I care. 'Bye!" And with that, he left.

Ron looked at Harry. "I don't think that was in the script."

Harry frowned." I know! And we didn't even get to the musical number that is supposed to make this film so catchy!" he whined.

And so, now that we have all leaned a very valuable lesson, we come to the ending credits. Some catchy music plays while we see Draco plotting.

A though bubble floats over Draco's head, turning the edges of the image of Voldermort that was floating there into a pretty purplish haze. "I'll turn him into a flea. A harmless little flea. And then I'll put that flea in a box. And then I'll put that box in another box. Then I'll mail that box to myself and when it arrives, I'll smash it with a hammer! MUHAHAHAHAHAH!" He smashes a potion vile in his excitement. A poison, to be exact on what kind of potion. "Or, to save on owl treats, I could just poison him."

We zip forward. ZIP!

Crabbe walks in. Draco pulls him aside. "Do you have the poison?"

Crabbe looks blank for a second. "The poison?" His expression brightens. "Oh! The poison! The poison for Voldie! The poison specially chosen to kill Voldie! Voldie's poison! That poison?"

Draco put his head in his hands. "Oh boy."

THE END!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

All quotes are from Disney films, if you haven't already figured that out already. But, I'll list them anyway for the slower people who are not true Disney fans like I am and cannot quote almost every single one of them without missing a single line. You should see me with The Lion King!!!!

In order of appearance:

Lilo and Stitch Beauty and the Beast (Sort of.) Aladdin The Lion King And finally. Emperor's New Groove!

So, I hope you enjoyed this little tid bit of insanity! Review, pretty please! With a cherry on top? And a spoon full of sugar?