Title: Death is Only the Beginning
Author: victoriamartynne
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
Spoilers: None, I think!
Summary: Cordelia is rocked when angel dies.
Dressed in a black dress and sandals that Angel had liked, Cordelia walked down the hotel stairs with the pot of Angel's ashes.
Even though she was an expert at applying makeup her red eyes and bags under them could clearly be displayed.
The Scooby gang and the remainder of the AI gang were waiting in the lobby for her.
The first person she saw was Buffy, dressed in large black hat with a veil. The perfect widow, Cordelia thought bitterly.
Willow stepped forward to Cordelia when she saw her. "I'm so sorry."
Cordelia nodded but said nothing.
Buffy's eyes were drawn towards the pot in Cordelia's hands.
"Is that him?" She asked.
Cordelia nodded.
"Can I have him?"
She shook her head. "I can't, not yet."
Buffy looked surprised and tearful but said nothing more.
Lorne came over to her and gave Cordelia his arm which she gripped gratefully. "Let's go."
The memorial spot they'd picked was in the hotel grounds under a group of blossom trees. Cordelia thought it would be pretty in the summer.
Seeing the headstone under the trees came as a big shock for Cordelia and Buffy.
Cordelia kept a tight grip on Lorne while Xander had his arm around Buffy.
They gathered around the front of the headstone and read the words that Cordelia had chosen to be put on it.
Angel
From now until eternity
Death is only the Beginning
See you soon
Seeing the words brought tears to Cordelia's eyes.
"It's perfect." She whispered. "He'd have liked it."
They all nodded in agreement.
Wes stood forward. "I thought we could all say something about him."
They all nodded.
"Angel was my friend." Wes began. "He gave me a job, a home and I became part of his family. I made a mistake a while ago and I never got the chance to make it up to him. Him dying without us being friends has hurt me so much. I suppose all of us have lived fearing him dying. I know he assumed that he'd be alive long after we had gone. Well, that's not the case and now we have to be strong without him. Goodbye Angel, you won't be forgotten."
He stepped back, wiping his eyes discretely.
Fred stepped forward next. "Angel saved me from a hell dimension. I guess for a while I liked him. That was until I realised that I couldn't fight what he and Cordelia felt for each other."
At this Buffy shot a confused look at Cordelia but she was too busy listening to Fred.
"He touched all of us. And even though I haven't known him for that long I love him. He was so special to all of us. Our family won't be complete without him."
She stepped back into the circle they had formed.
Gunn stepped forward. "I'm not good with things like this. I just wanted to say that Angel, we'll miss you."
Cordelia shook her head; she couldn't speak just yet so Lorne nodded to Willow.
"I haven't seen Angel since Sunnydale, except for a few flying visits." She smiled. "He was a good man even though he did try to kill me so several occasions. I wish he was still here and I'd like to think that he's watching over us. Goodbye Angel." She whispered finally.
Xander stepped forward next. "I don't really know what to say. I never really liked him but I wish he hadn't died. For the sakes of Buffy and his other friends here in LA."
Gunn bit his tongue to keep him from saying anything.
Giles stood forward instead of Buffy; he assumed she'd want to wait. "Angel may not have been the best of humans. And he was certainly one if the most dangerous vampires. But he turned into a damn fine man. His death was a shame and a tragedy and has touched all of us. But I think we will all live with the knowledge that we were honoured to know him and be loved by him."
Buffy decided it was her turn after moments of silence and stood forward. "Angel wasn't a vampire to me, he was a man. Although I wasn't with him in his final days I know that we still thought of each other and I know that that enabled him to be in company when he was killed. Life can often be cruel and hard."
Cordelia felt tears fall down her face almost in slow motion as Buffy spoke. Angel was never hers, he never had been, he would never have been hers. All that they had had been a mistake. A figment of her imagination. Buffy and Angel had the forever love.
Lorne sensed Cordelia's thoughts and squeezed her arm. "It's not true princess." He whispered.
"I loved him so much and now he's gone I just feel empty inside." Buffy said, crying. "I hope that wherever he is he is happy and at peace and knows that the people he left behind love him and will survive without him."
She stepped back into Xander's embrace.
Cordelia took her turn, walking to his grave slowly, the pot containing his ashes still in her arms.
"Angel started out as my best friend. He gave me a job and a home and a place where I could belong. Even though sometimes I probably didn't deserve it. He saved my life more times than I can count. Sometimes getting hurt himself." She looked down at the pot. "He cared about me like no-one ever has. Some of you don't know that Angel and I were in love." She watched the reaction on Buffy's face and instantly regretted her words. "Well, we were. I loved him so much and I think he loved me as much as I loved him. He was the kindest, most brave man I've ever known. He gave his life to save mine. We were attacked and he took the stake that was aimed at my heart by another vampire. God, I'll never forgive him for doing that." She broke down in tears. "But the one thing that will stick with me forever is his smile." She smiled slightly through her tears remembering his smile. "I think he's watching us right now. Probably thinking how stupid we are for doing this. But Angel, baby, we miss you and we'll never forget you. I'll see you soon." She whispered but everyone heard her. She kissed the pot and placed it in front of the headstone. "Forever Angel, forever." She said, echoing the words he'd said to her when he told her he loved her. "Never forget."
She stood up and walked back over to Lorne, shaking and crying uncontrollably. "It's okay princess." He soothed. "You did it, he would have been proud."
She nodded but couldn't speak through her tears.
They all stood in silence for a few minutes, some crying, some not, before turning and leaving the memorial.
Cordelia padded across the grass when she was sure everyone was asleep. She sat down on the grass next to the headstone.
"Hi baby." She whispered into the darkness. "I felt lonely when I went back inside so I thought I'd come and talk to you. Buffy and everyone decided to stop tonight so the place was a little crowded. I don't know why I told them about us when I did. I guess it hurt seeing Buffy claim all your love. I hope you don't mind." She fell silent. "I looked at the photo album the other day. Seeing you back when Doyle was working with us was weird. I know you don't age, but somehow you looked younger. It's strange, it started off as us three and now it's just me that's left. I wouldn't have expected it to be this way back then. I feel so alone without you, even though I've got everyone around me. I can't cope." Her voice broke and sobs escaped her. "I can't do this, I can't live without you. I'm fooling myself when I think I can go on living without you. A part of me has always known that this could happen but I never really let it in. I never let myself believe. And it hurts Angel, it hurts so much. All I want is for you to hold me and tell me it's going to be okay." She fell silent again. "But I know that's not going to happen. I hope you're okay, I really do. That's probably what I fear most, that you're in some hell dimension and I'll never see you again. I hope not." She yawned through her tears. "I should go to bed but I really don't want to. I just want to be with you. Good night Angel, I love you."
She stood up to walk away but reconsidered and went back to lie down next to the headstone.
Cordelia lay on the ground until dawn. Her eyes were red and puffy and she was still crying softly.
After finding Angel's room empty Wes and Fred had come running out to the grave.
Seeing her curled up on the ground stopped them short.
They stopped running and walked slowly to her. Wes sat down next to her while Fred saw she was shivering and went to fetch a blanket.
Wes touched her head softly and she looked up at him sorrowfully.
"Cordelia, what are you doing out here?"
"I wanted to talk to him and then I didn't want to leave him." She said weakly.
He nodded and moved her so she was in his arms. "It'll be okay Cordy, I promise."
"How can it be okay if he isn't here?" She asked, looking a lot younger than her twenty one years.
"It'll get easier Cordy, give it time. It's not been a week yet."
Fred came running back with a blanket, Gunn at her side.
"Gunn, can you carry her inside?" Wes asked.
He nodded and picked her up in his arms. She rested her head against his chest and closed her eyes. "Angel used to carry me like this."
Fred had a worried frown on her face and Wes just looked plain emotional.
Gunn carried her inside and put her down on the couch in the lobby. She opened her eyes again and saw the Scoobies looking at her. She closed her eyes again and turned away from them.
"Cordelia, we're leaving now." Giles said awkwardly. "I'm very sorry for your loss."
She said nothing as she heard then say goodbye to Wes, Gunn, Fred and Lorne who had just come down from his room.
"Maybe we should call a doctor." Fred suggested to Wes after sitting watching Cordelia for the past hour and a half.
"I think she'll pull out of it on her own." He said, although he wasn't quite sure. "She just needs time. I think we're all forgetting it hasn't been a week yet."
She nodded.
It was a week later when Cordelia seemed to snap. She was washing her clothes down in the basement when Lorne heard her screaming. He ran down the basement stairs to see what was wrong.
Cordelia was sat in the middle of the floor crying, a white shirt clutched to her chest.
"Cordy? What's wrong?" He asked, almost scared to know the answer.
"It's his shirt." She whispered through her tears.
"Are you sure? It's white." Lorne pointed out and sat next to her on the concrete. "Angel never wore white."
"You don't understand!" She screamed and looked at him accusingly. "It was his special shirt; he wore it only for me! I was never going to wash it, it smells like him. Did you put it in with the laundry?"
He held up his hands. "No, I didn't. But I'm sure it was an accident."
She turned on him, her eyes filled with fury. "It doesn't matter whether it was an accident! It was his and it smelt like him! I've got nothing left!" Realisation seemed to set in. "I've got nothing left."
As Lorne put his arms around her she broke down in body wracking sobs. "I've got nothing left. He's all I had."
He sat rocking her, crying himself, until the others found them.
"I've got nothing left." She kept repeating between sobs.
Author: victoriamartynne
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
Spoilers: None, I think!
Summary: Cordelia is rocked when angel dies.
Dressed in a black dress and sandals that Angel had liked, Cordelia walked down the hotel stairs with the pot of Angel's ashes.
Even though she was an expert at applying makeup her red eyes and bags under them could clearly be displayed.
The Scooby gang and the remainder of the AI gang were waiting in the lobby for her.
The first person she saw was Buffy, dressed in large black hat with a veil. The perfect widow, Cordelia thought bitterly.
Willow stepped forward to Cordelia when she saw her. "I'm so sorry."
Cordelia nodded but said nothing.
Buffy's eyes were drawn towards the pot in Cordelia's hands.
"Is that him?" She asked.
Cordelia nodded.
"Can I have him?"
She shook her head. "I can't, not yet."
Buffy looked surprised and tearful but said nothing more.
Lorne came over to her and gave Cordelia his arm which she gripped gratefully. "Let's go."
The memorial spot they'd picked was in the hotel grounds under a group of blossom trees. Cordelia thought it would be pretty in the summer.
Seeing the headstone under the trees came as a big shock for Cordelia and Buffy.
Cordelia kept a tight grip on Lorne while Xander had his arm around Buffy.
They gathered around the front of the headstone and read the words that Cordelia had chosen to be put on it.
Angel
From now until eternity
Death is only the Beginning
See you soon
Seeing the words brought tears to Cordelia's eyes.
"It's perfect." She whispered. "He'd have liked it."
They all nodded in agreement.
Wes stood forward. "I thought we could all say something about him."
They all nodded.
"Angel was my friend." Wes began. "He gave me a job, a home and I became part of his family. I made a mistake a while ago and I never got the chance to make it up to him. Him dying without us being friends has hurt me so much. I suppose all of us have lived fearing him dying. I know he assumed that he'd be alive long after we had gone. Well, that's not the case and now we have to be strong without him. Goodbye Angel, you won't be forgotten."
He stepped back, wiping his eyes discretely.
Fred stepped forward next. "Angel saved me from a hell dimension. I guess for a while I liked him. That was until I realised that I couldn't fight what he and Cordelia felt for each other."
At this Buffy shot a confused look at Cordelia but she was too busy listening to Fred.
"He touched all of us. And even though I haven't known him for that long I love him. He was so special to all of us. Our family won't be complete without him."
She stepped back into the circle they had formed.
Gunn stepped forward. "I'm not good with things like this. I just wanted to say that Angel, we'll miss you."
Cordelia shook her head; she couldn't speak just yet so Lorne nodded to Willow.
"I haven't seen Angel since Sunnydale, except for a few flying visits." She smiled. "He was a good man even though he did try to kill me so several occasions. I wish he was still here and I'd like to think that he's watching over us. Goodbye Angel." She whispered finally.
Xander stepped forward next. "I don't really know what to say. I never really liked him but I wish he hadn't died. For the sakes of Buffy and his other friends here in LA."
Gunn bit his tongue to keep him from saying anything.
Giles stood forward instead of Buffy; he assumed she'd want to wait. "Angel may not have been the best of humans. And he was certainly one if the most dangerous vampires. But he turned into a damn fine man. His death was a shame and a tragedy and has touched all of us. But I think we will all live with the knowledge that we were honoured to know him and be loved by him."
Buffy decided it was her turn after moments of silence and stood forward. "Angel wasn't a vampire to me, he was a man. Although I wasn't with him in his final days I know that we still thought of each other and I know that that enabled him to be in company when he was killed. Life can often be cruel and hard."
Cordelia felt tears fall down her face almost in slow motion as Buffy spoke. Angel was never hers, he never had been, he would never have been hers. All that they had had been a mistake. A figment of her imagination. Buffy and Angel had the forever love.
Lorne sensed Cordelia's thoughts and squeezed her arm. "It's not true princess." He whispered.
"I loved him so much and now he's gone I just feel empty inside." Buffy said, crying. "I hope that wherever he is he is happy and at peace and knows that the people he left behind love him and will survive without him."
She stepped back into Xander's embrace.
Cordelia took her turn, walking to his grave slowly, the pot containing his ashes still in her arms.
"Angel started out as my best friend. He gave me a job and a home and a place where I could belong. Even though sometimes I probably didn't deserve it. He saved my life more times than I can count. Sometimes getting hurt himself." She looked down at the pot. "He cared about me like no-one ever has. Some of you don't know that Angel and I were in love." She watched the reaction on Buffy's face and instantly regretted her words. "Well, we were. I loved him so much and I think he loved me as much as I loved him. He was the kindest, most brave man I've ever known. He gave his life to save mine. We were attacked and he took the stake that was aimed at my heart by another vampire. God, I'll never forgive him for doing that." She broke down in tears. "But the one thing that will stick with me forever is his smile." She smiled slightly through her tears remembering his smile. "I think he's watching us right now. Probably thinking how stupid we are for doing this. But Angel, baby, we miss you and we'll never forget you. I'll see you soon." She whispered but everyone heard her. She kissed the pot and placed it in front of the headstone. "Forever Angel, forever." She said, echoing the words he'd said to her when he told her he loved her. "Never forget."
She stood up and walked back over to Lorne, shaking and crying uncontrollably. "It's okay princess." He soothed. "You did it, he would have been proud."
She nodded but couldn't speak through her tears.
They all stood in silence for a few minutes, some crying, some not, before turning and leaving the memorial.
Cordelia padded across the grass when she was sure everyone was asleep. She sat down on the grass next to the headstone.
"Hi baby." She whispered into the darkness. "I felt lonely when I went back inside so I thought I'd come and talk to you. Buffy and everyone decided to stop tonight so the place was a little crowded. I don't know why I told them about us when I did. I guess it hurt seeing Buffy claim all your love. I hope you don't mind." She fell silent. "I looked at the photo album the other day. Seeing you back when Doyle was working with us was weird. I know you don't age, but somehow you looked younger. It's strange, it started off as us three and now it's just me that's left. I wouldn't have expected it to be this way back then. I feel so alone without you, even though I've got everyone around me. I can't cope." Her voice broke and sobs escaped her. "I can't do this, I can't live without you. I'm fooling myself when I think I can go on living without you. A part of me has always known that this could happen but I never really let it in. I never let myself believe. And it hurts Angel, it hurts so much. All I want is for you to hold me and tell me it's going to be okay." She fell silent again. "But I know that's not going to happen. I hope you're okay, I really do. That's probably what I fear most, that you're in some hell dimension and I'll never see you again. I hope not." She yawned through her tears. "I should go to bed but I really don't want to. I just want to be with you. Good night Angel, I love you."
She stood up to walk away but reconsidered and went back to lie down next to the headstone.
Cordelia lay on the ground until dawn. Her eyes were red and puffy and she was still crying softly.
After finding Angel's room empty Wes and Fred had come running out to the grave.
Seeing her curled up on the ground stopped them short.
They stopped running and walked slowly to her. Wes sat down next to her while Fred saw she was shivering and went to fetch a blanket.
Wes touched her head softly and she looked up at him sorrowfully.
"Cordelia, what are you doing out here?"
"I wanted to talk to him and then I didn't want to leave him." She said weakly.
He nodded and moved her so she was in his arms. "It'll be okay Cordy, I promise."
"How can it be okay if he isn't here?" She asked, looking a lot younger than her twenty one years.
"It'll get easier Cordy, give it time. It's not been a week yet."
Fred came running back with a blanket, Gunn at her side.
"Gunn, can you carry her inside?" Wes asked.
He nodded and picked her up in his arms. She rested her head against his chest and closed her eyes. "Angel used to carry me like this."
Fred had a worried frown on her face and Wes just looked plain emotional.
Gunn carried her inside and put her down on the couch in the lobby. She opened her eyes again and saw the Scoobies looking at her. She closed her eyes again and turned away from them.
"Cordelia, we're leaving now." Giles said awkwardly. "I'm very sorry for your loss."
She said nothing as she heard then say goodbye to Wes, Gunn, Fred and Lorne who had just come down from his room.
"Maybe we should call a doctor." Fred suggested to Wes after sitting watching Cordelia for the past hour and a half.
"I think she'll pull out of it on her own." He said, although he wasn't quite sure. "She just needs time. I think we're all forgetting it hasn't been a week yet."
She nodded.
It was a week later when Cordelia seemed to snap. She was washing her clothes down in the basement when Lorne heard her screaming. He ran down the basement stairs to see what was wrong.
Cordelia was sat in the middle of the floor crying, a white shirt clutched to her chest.
"Cordy? What's wrong?" He asked, almost scared to know the answer.
"It's his shirt." She whispered through her tears.
"Are you sure? It's white." Lorne pointed out and sat next to her on the concrete. "Angel never wore white."
"You don't understand!" She screamed and looked at him accusingly. "It was his special shirt; he wore it only for me! I was never going to wash it, it smells like him. Did you put it in with the laundry?"
He held up his hands. "No, I didn't. But I'm sure it was an accident."
She turned on him, her eyes filled with fury. "It doesn't matter whether it was an accident! It was his and it smelt like him! I've got nothing left!" Realisation seemed to set in. "I've got nothing left."
As Lorne put his arms around her she broke down in body wracking sobs. "I've got nothing left. He's all I had."
He sat rocking her, crying himself, until the others found them.
"I've got nothing left." She kept repeating between sobs.
