As You Were VI: Elegy
She was waiting for him, just as she had been that night.
She was watching the waves break, the sea breeze making her hair fly from her face like wings. She must be cold; she was so pale.
He could've stood there forever, watching her. But she perceived his closeness and turned.
A smile lit her face, a true smile, with warmth and dimples. The one that made him weak and alive all at once.
"I didn't think you'd come," she whispered, her voice nearly lost against the clamor.
"How could I stay away?" Vaughn told her. A tear glistened in her eye before the wind blew it away.
She laughed, rich and sweet, rendering the biting cold to nothing. She resumed staring at the sea and he was eager to call her attention back.
Before he could say a word, Sydney glanced at him. "It's strange, Vaughn. But I can't remember…a time when I knew you and didn't love you."
His heart lodged itself into his throat making it impossible to return what he had been so desperate to tell her. The wind blew harder, howling against his ear.
Sydney loved him. But love was such a fragile thing. It could easily be cracked or lost or shattered into a million glittering pieces, all through the maelstrom of one careless gesture. No longer a miracle but a weapon used to rip the faithless to pieces, bring them to their knees.
Vaughn saw Sydney shaking her head. "Michael," she said with such wistful sadness. "When did you become so cynical? It doesn't suit you."
"This never happened," he told her.
Sydney smiled again. If he were blind in darkness, he would feel her by her smile alone; follow it as though it were the sun.
"You're here. And I'm here. Does it matter why?" He shook his head, vehemently. She grasped his hand in her's. "Then can we just stay here?" He nodded, eager to please her. Few moments, they stood in an untouchable tranquility.
But then she began to move away. He clapped his other hand on her wrist and tried to pull her closer. "Where are you going?"
"Michael, it's time."
"Will you come back?" She slowly shook her head, sorrow deep in her eyes. Fear filled him with fierce possessiveness. She was so precious; he couldn't stand the thought of her leaving for the unknown, for the dark. He tugged her closer.
"I'm not letting you go." She half-heartedly tried to pull her hand back but it was trapped in his firm grasp.
"Michael, please let me go." Tears dewed her dark eyelashes. He was hurting her by keeping her here. But the instinct to keep her close was stronger than the need to frantically undo the harm he had caused her. "Michael, you know…you know you have to let me go."
He choked back a sob. "Sydney, I can never let you go," he told her, trembling. "I don't know why…I can't."
She took his face in her cold hands. He forced himself to look into her eyes, ashamed at his childish behavior.
"I know." Loving tenderness was etched in her graceful features.
"Please don't leave me."
Sydney slowly ran her thumb across his cheekbone, memorizing the sculpted contour of his face.
"Michael, don't you know?" He didn't. "That's not how it works with us. Nothing in this world will ever keep us apart. Just spaces in time where…we won't be able to see each other."
She took his hand and pressed the palm against the flesh above her heart. It was beating, warm and rapid, in unison with his pulse. She gave a forlorn sigh.
"One and the same. As long as my heart is beating I'll know you're out there somewhere. Distance and circumstance… they don't matter." the moonlight polished her skin with an angelic glow. "I have to believe that we found something that could never be broken or corrupted. My soul will be safe with you because that's where it belongs." She became pleading. "You'll keep it warm while I'm gone. Won't you, Michael?"
He remembered his father's broken watch. He remembered that things, all things happen for a reason. This was no exception.
"It's like a jigsaw puzzle," Vaughn said, smiling weakly. She gave a small laugh and nodded.
"Whatever our souls are made of, your's and mine are the same." The quote was from Wuthering Heights. That was Sydney's favorite novel.
She turned and looked at the lightening horizon. "Sunrise is coming. I have to go."
"No, wait please." Deep down, he knew that when the sun rose he would lose sight of her forever.
She saw his grief and gave him solace. "If I'm strong, it's only because you make me think I am; if I have hope, it's only because you gave it to me." There was such unspeakable sorrow but also the essence of strength that he loved about her. She wasn't afraid of anything anymore.
But he was. In his bones, he felt the foreshadow of something inevitable. Her voice was no more than a whisper, the life draining as the sun began its ascent. Vaughn shut his eyes, unwilling to see her waste into air.
He felt her breath stir his cheek. Her lips met his in a chaste kiss. He could taste the lingering salt spray which breathed his entire being to life.
"Vaughn," she sobbed.
His eyes snapped open. Light blinded him though it was still dark. And then, like a crash of thunder, it was over.
Syd was standing too close to the edge of the overlook. Her gaze never left him, never flinched in her expression of love and mourning. She held her arms out as though preparing to take flight. He yelled. He rushed at her. Then her body fell away from the cliff, into the wild waters below; the sound of her descent vanished in the cascade of waves.
And Michael Vaughn's heart ceased to beat-
Sleep was torn away and Vaughn woke up with an abrupt start. He cast an anxious look around to get his bearings. He was in a van. Check. He was dressed in riot gear. Check. Sydney had completely lost her mind. Check and double check.
"You ok, Vaughn?" Weiss asked. He glanced at Vaughn as he drove the van.
Vaughn quickly regained his breath in order to answer the question. He leaned back in the passenger's seat.
"Yeah, I'm good."
Silence.
"You know, you said her name in your sleep."
More silence. Vaughn refused to meet his interrogating stare.
"Vaughn, who do you think she is?"
Vaughn shot a look at him. "What do you mean?" he responded, wearing his best poker face. Weiss sighed.
"She's not Sydney anymore. You know that right?"
Vaughn bristled. "I'm not a moron, Eric. And if I was, I still have the scars to remind me."
"If we go in there with every intention of busting out Jack and Irina, chances are she's going to try and stop us." Vaughn got the drift of Weiss's inference.
"You want to know if I'm willing to kill her," Vaughn stated. Blunt, dull.
The silence lasted much longer this time.
"I need to know if you can do what you have to do," Weiss said, simply.
Vaughn stared at the scenery that passed by through the window. It was empty stretch of road everywhere. And all he saw was her face.
"I'll do what I have to do."
"Good to know." He paused. "Because when the moment comes and you feel you're not up to it-"
"If you try to hurt her-" his tone was hard with conviction. He stared at Weiss, cold. "I'll stop you."
Weiss nodded, grave. "Good to know," he repeated.
~~
Irina did not have to open her eyes to know that she was surrounded by darkness. She could feel it, cold and clammy against her skin. Oh, but she didn't mind. She was a night creature, raised by shadows. Darkness had long been a friend of hers.
Sydney.
The thought of her daughter jolted her out of the semi-real state of mind that she had been floating in for what seemed like an eternity. The harsh bite of the ropes on her wrist felt more solid than anything she had experienced in a long time. She pulled herself upright. Jack lay not far; his eyes were open and he had the appearance of one who was drugged. But he wasn't.
"Jack," she whispered urgent. When he remained insensible, she nudged him hard with her foot. "Jack!" Finally, he turned to look at her with that terrible blank expression on his face. "Where is she?"
He turned his head and she followed his gaze. Sydney was curled in the darkest corner of the room, tucked away as though she belonged there. The cold, analyzing look in her eyes frightened Irina. In those dark pools was the blood stained reflection of every atrocity she had ever committed. She found herself withering away from the vicious creature her daughter had become.
And then there was the dream she had experienced right before she had roused herself from sleep. In it Sydney, standing against a deepening abyss surrounded by stars was telling her
We are night creatures, mother. Shadows can't hurt us. We know when to hide from the harsh light of day.
And abruptly, it was the tangible Sydney's voice that spoke up from the empty halls of her reverie.
"You should have killed me when you had the chance, Irina."
There was no hint of gloating in her child's voice; only a sort of sad, bitter regret. Briefly, in an illumination that could only exist between mother and daughter, Irina saw…saw that there could have been better ways to end this.
You could have lived a beautiful, idle existence. Happy and free. Have all the things that were forbidden in their world.
But in truth they both knew; her daughter was doomed the moment she took her first breath.
To Sydney, death would have been a mercy.
Ambushed by forces which she had no control over, tangled in the web of others' illusive games. She was put on this earth with a purpose. All paths pointed to that inescapable destiny, that future where everything was stripped away to a spiraling nothingness. This was Sydney's fate.
And she knows, Irina thought, a horror, dulled but painful all the same welled up within her. And in knowing it drove her to the brink of insanity.
"No, Sydney," Irina murmured. "You're my daughter. Nothing you do will ever change that."
"But I'm doomed," Sydney said with soft certainty.
Irina bowed her head. "Yes. I'm afraid you are." Sydney looked away, her chin trembling like a crying child's. Irina's heart was torn to pieces at the sight of her broken daughter, worn to a single frayed thread.
"You. You abandoned me." Sydney sobbed, full of such utter hopelessness. "I believed your lies. I would believe them all over again. But you left. You left me to fend for myself. I was only a child mother."
She sobbed. "I'm so sorry, Sydney. I loved you so much." Her breath caught in her throat. "But I can't save you."
Sydney gave a grim nod of understanding. She unsheathed a knife she kept tucked in her boot and tossed it at her mother's feet. Irina stared at her puzzled.
"Then save yourselves," Sydney told them, dead.
For a moment, they didn't understand. And then it hit Irina. She met Sydney's shallow brown eyes, once so much like her own.
I've just given you a gift.
And all you get from me is one.
Irina grasped the blade in her bound hands and it swiftly gnawed through ropes on her feet then hands.
She scrambled over to her husband who was still staring at Sydney in astonishment, unsure of what she was. She freed Jack before he was aware of it and yanked him to his feet, ready to drag him to the liberty.
"Why are you doing this?" Jack asked in a gravelly tone.
Sydney gave an indifferent shrug. "It must be a glitch in my programming. But I can't –" her eyes flared with an intense light. "I can't use you."
"Come with us," Jack urged. She scoffed. "Sydney please, the CIA will keep you safe, we'll help you."
"No one can help me now," Sydney interjected.
"Let us try!"
The only reply was a stony glare.
"Sydney." Jack was desperate knowing that his pleas were futile against her stone. "Please come back with us."
"No," Sydney said firm but bone tired. And then in a soft tone resembling that of the sweet young woman she was "No honey. I can't. I would sooner go back to SD 6. You see Sloane – he just broke my life."
"But all of you – broke my heart." Jack paled at her sad truthful words.
Irina tugged on his sleeve and led him away, leaving Sydney in the dimness of the room.
Abandoning her.
But before they had left that god – forsaken room, Sydney's voice lingered behind them.
"I hate you." Sydney stared at them, eyes gleaming with tears that could no longer be shed. "I love you. I will never forgive you for bringing me into this life." She turned her back. " Now get out of my sight."
Irina's jaw turned to steel as she stiffly acknowledged her daughter's command. But the tears were already flowing as she and Jack fled from her.
~*~
"I thought we needed a sacrifice."
Sydney turned to meet her guardian angel with bright hair. "Yes."
Sark stared at the spot where Irina had been bound a few moments before. "Then why let them go?"
"Because I didn't love them enough to hurt them," she told him, leaving no room for his doubt. Her eyes took on a knowing twinkle. "Don't worry, my love. Let them run. When the flood comes to fruition, there won't be a soul left with air to breathe."
Sark winced. Moving away from her embrace, he found himself staring at the wall at anything except her. Her, the adoration of his heart, the weakness of his soul, his ultimate damnation.
"Are we evil, Sydney?" A raucous laugh was the only answer.
"Evil?" She tilted her head. "Why would you think that? No, Nathaniel. We're survivors. Doing what we have to do…may hurt. But when it's all over, we'll be the stronger for it. They –" she let out a soulfully distressed sigh. "They would never accept our love. They think its evil, an abomination. And they'll destroy it as willingly as they would destroy us. But when this is over. " She tilted his head and stared like she always did, so deeply into his eyes it felt like drowning and he couldn't breathe. "We can be together. Finally."
"I can't kill for you again, Sydney. I love you but I can't --"
She took his shaking head in her cupped hands. "My darling boy," she whispered. "I would never make you do anything you didn't want to do."
He pulled away before he could lose his breath. Sydney felt a prickle of alarm at this uncharacteristic reluctance. A long lost emotion of helplessness and desertion once again invaded her heart.
He'll leave you – just as they did.
Then a calculated calm swept over her.
Certain that his love for her blazed just as powerfully as it always did, Sydney strolled over to him. "Nathaniel." Sark met her eyes, unable to resist.
Sydney let her eyes shimmer with sorrow and the sudden intake of breath on his part. She knew she looked exquisitely vulnerable when she cried. "Don't you love me anymore?" she whispered.
"You – you know I do."
"Then stay with me." A perfect crystal tear fell down at the exact right moment, giving her words vulnerable sincerity. The weight of that tear was all that was needed to break his resolution.
And she knew she had won.
Stifling a smile for a performance she had flawlessly acted so many times before, her slender hands reached up to caress his face. He gazed at her, eyes blue with genuine tears.
"Dear brother," she purred, shutting her eyes before he could glimpse the emptiness stirring within their sepia depths.
A/N: Of that ending make what you will. I was in a weird mood.
