Once again into the breach:

If you watch the anime into the later versions, someone who appears to be Richard Hellsing is saluting the destruction of the Hellsing Organization. It looks enough like Richard for me to work on this story.

And once again, every single person who appears here belongs to someone else. Probably the doctors are Hellsing canon.

Quiet Evening

"Pink," said Integra aloud, making a precise notation on a small calendar. "What a stupid color for a thermometer."

The doctors had explained everything to her. She had to know her basal temperature. She had to keep a chart keeping track of her temperature on what day. This would help her understand her fertility cycle and the best time to visit the sperm bank.

This was all getting far too personal. She'd wanted to strangle her nice woman doctor with a stethoscope.

And of course, the thermometers were pink.

There was a way to get this put at a distance: find a surrogate mother. Only they usually wanted to stay involved with their children, and Integra wanted Hellsing's heir to belong to the family.

What a headache.

Was there any way that this entire stupid process could make less sense?

---

"Police girl?"

"Yes?" Seras looked behind her as her master stepped behind a wall. She could tell that he was feeling out of sorts; he seemed to loom a bit more than usual. Alucard moodily sat at her small table. Seras took a seat on her coffin lid.

"I hope you can explain something to me."

"Yes?" Seras asked again, swinging her feet.

Alucard gave her a sideways look. "What's ovulation?"

"Where did this question come from?" Seras asked, startled.

"Never mind," growled Alucard.

"Ovulation is the point of month where a woman's eggs are released into her uterus," said Seras, guessing back from her high school textbooks.

"Eggs? Women have eggs?" Alucard looked at her with blank astonishment.

"Of course. Several thousand. Er, maybe billions, I don't remember. But there were a lot! More than they'll need in one lifetime."

"You're making this up," Alucard accused, standing.

"I'm certainly not," said Seras firmly, folding her arms.

Her insistence settled the vampire back into his chair. "Eggs," Alucard mused. "Ah. With shells?"

"No," said Seras, smothering a giggle. She saw her master's eyebrows just a bit. She coughed.

"How. . . big are these eggs?"

"They're tiny." Seras put her fingertips together and held them up. "Cell- sized."

"Cells?" Alucard looked at her with bafflement. "Oh, wait. Walter told me about cells."

"Good," said Seras. "Well, the egg has half the data needed to make a new person, but there's still another half missing."

There was silence. Alucard was holding his own fingertips together in unconscious mimicry. "So where. . ." Alucard finally queried. He looked up at her from under his bangs.

"The father's sperm," said Seras promptly, shoulders quivering. "You know, the fluid-"

"I understand that part," Alucard growled. Seras had never seen him look so disgusted. He sat for a moment before he finally looked up at her. "Well, how does that work?"

"Well, one of the sperm released will find the egg," began Seras.

"Wait," interrupted Alucard sharply. "I thought you said sperm was the fluid."

"Well, it's made up of a lot of little living cells." Confronted with a befuddled stare, Seras gave him a footnote. "They look kind of like tadpoles."

"That's it." Alucard stood and sank into the wall. Seras watched him go with utter bafflement.

Maybe Walter could explain this one. She went up to the kitchen. Walter was preparing Sir Integra's tea.

"Master isn't much of a biologist, is he?" she asked.

"Why do you say that?" Walter turned.

"He was asking about reproduction," said Seras.

"Really." Walter's eyes narrowed slightly. "What did he want to know?"

"What 'ovulation' is," Seras explained happily. "What's going on?"

"Sir Integra is considering using a sperm bank to produce an heir," Walter explained. "Alucard appears to have caught part of it. Your discretion is appreciated, Miss Victoria. Sir Integra prefers to keep her plans to herself."

"Oh." Seras was tempted to steal a cookie, if only to look at, as Walter carefully arranged the tray. "Does this mean I shouldn't tell him anything else?"

"That depends. Did you laugh at him?"

"Not really. . . at," squirmed Seras. "More like, um, it was how he said it."

"Then he won't ask again," said Walter. "You've stung his pride. He's gone to the Hellsing library, where I've already, ah, tidied, and where Sir Integra will chase him away because she's researching a very old problem. Then he'll try the public library. Since there will be no librarians at night, I can rely on my friend the Dewey Decimal System to hold him at bay." The two left the kitchen and started down a hallway.

"Is that why you wouldn't let me explain to him how reference computers worked last year?"

"Quite correct, Miss Victoria."

"How do you know what he'll do so well?"

"Well, when we first met, he still wasn't too sure about the germ theory of disease." Walter's mouth formed a tiny smirk. "Alucard keeps right up to date on weaponry, but don't ever ask him to splint a broken limb. His idea of a painkiller, germicide, and life support system is his blood." Walter and Seras were on their way towards the stairs to the library. "Tell me, Miss Victoria, have you had any experience with child care?"

"I had to babysit for my little nieces once. They put gum in my hair and a mouse down my shirt." Seras looked glumly at the teapot.

"I see. Do not share this with Sir Integra. Ah-" they heard raised voices inside the library. The strident tones of Sir Integra at full blast were almost outdoing the roaring of a startled vampire. "Alucard has found Sir Integra's research."

"Er, what's she doing?" Seras was prepared to step in front of Walter in case of stray bullets coming through the walls, although she heard no gunshots yet. Integra had succeeded in silencing Alucard and was still making her feelings known.

"Well, Alucard has made Sir Integra feel that it is best for him to be out of her way for a while. I don't think he liked discovering that." Walter tipped his head to one side, listening to them. "I think that I should delay delivering the master's tea for perhaps twenty minutes. Would you care to join me for a snack in the kitchen?"

"Uhh, sure." Seras had already hurt her master's pride once. His realizing that she had overheard his being called a treacherous worm who couldn't overthrow a stuffed pillowcase would put even more distance between them. "I think I'd like that."