Disclaimer and opening:

All you readers are appreciated, whether you leave me little notes or not. Not that I don't love little notes. I even accept anonymous reviews. :)

As you all undoubtedly know, Hellsing isn't mine.

________

Seras stood in front of the sealed door.

She had been given firm orders not to open the door; even not to touch it. Undoubtedly, Alucard would be the first to reprimand her if she did.

She wanted to speak, but she doubted her master wanted to hear anything; she had her freedom and he did not. Seras turned and walked back through the door that Integra had recently banged shut.

She was almost at the top of the stairs to the rest of the house when she thought she heard a phone ringing.

"Odd," said Seras to herself, turning. She regarded the distance below the stairs with suspicion.

The noise had stopped.

Seras looked up at the metal air vents. This part of the house had tenuous, winding connections back to the main part of the castle. The airways had probably carried the sound from an office upstairs.

*~*

Integra left the doctor's office, unsurprised to see that Walter was right on time. She climbed into the backseat with a sigh of relief. Thank goodness that was over with, for another month at least. She had dedicated more thought to her previously insignificant vaginal mucosa than she ever wanted to again.

She was frowned at the folder left for her in the backseat. She unsealed and opened it. To her delight, it was her information on Uncle Richard's wife.

"She divorced him last year? Good for her." Her expression went thoughtful a moment later. "She's refused custody of the child," Integra noticed. "Ever. Perhaps he wanted an heir enough to switch her birth control meds with sugar pills?"

"Or he somehow threatened her." Walter glanced at her in the rearview mirror. "Drove her away. Blackmail, perhaps."

"No. . . if she were truly a difficulty, I'm afraid she'd be dead. She wanted to leave him and the child." Integra frowned at the second document. "Reports of disturbing the peace? Uncle, what are you up to?"

*~*

Alucard felt Seras walk away. A faint smile shone in the light slanting through the grilled window.

Ever since his first captivity, he had decided to put a few amenities in his cell. Integra had discovered the cooler stashed with medical blood, and had removed it with a curt "very funny." She had left the two pillows under his post, although she had given him a stern look.

She had missed the most important addition he had made to his cell.

The cell phone was small and gray. Alucard had chosen its signal carefully, trying to pick one that would be hard to trace or intercept. He thought he'd had some success (Integra had never questioned him about it so far.) He preferred to speak to Richard on a land line, but Integra wasn't likely to overlook a phone added down here. He could always give it a try. . .

The phone rang. Alucard lifted it with a thought, shoving the answer button savagely. The moron was calling half an hour early; if Seras had been outside the door when he'd called, he'd have placed them both in an awkward position.

"Do you have the silver cross?"

Seras or Integra had never heard that voice from him before. Alucard's tones had become lighter as he mimicked the voice of an older woman.

"Yes."

"And you're above the church building."

"Yes."

"And the boy won't come to interfere yet?"

"He's back in the car."

"You have the blood?"

"I do."

Alucard could tell. After all, it was his blood, no matter how far it was from his body. Once spilled, it was potent enough to be picked up by any sensitive to it. "Pour it over both hands."

The man dropped his phone somewhere in the process. Alucard listened with great interest to the scuffling and swearing on the other end. "All right."

"First, widdershins around the church." Alucard heard him start crashing through the brush. Ah.

"Look," said Richard Hellsing the second time around, "are you sure you're not putting me on?"

"After you've come so far?" Alucard stretched as best he could within his confines. Stupid sanctified straightjackets. The female voice was becoming second nature to him. He'd almost used it on Seras the other day.

"Sometimes I feel this is just a joke-"

Alucard concentrated on chilling his essence to colder than that of the stone around him. Richard gasped as the vampire's blood on his hands went icy.

"You do indeed have a purpose," Alucard purred.

"Yes, but all this crashing around at night-"

"I must know that you will obey me in small things. Even the priests who cower in the monastery recognise your allegiance. And your work is not done. Go."

"I mean, dismembering the goat cost me a suit-" but Richard was moving again. "Are you here?"

"I am close."

"Good, because that must be you I hear-"

Alucard had been waiting so very long for this. He picked up "Foul creature!" roared from somewhere in the background.

"What? Wait!"

Alucard smirked, calling his blood back to him from Richard's hands. The phone dropped. A moment later, something heavy fell on it.

*~*

Sir Integra stared at her guest. "I'm sorry. Perhaps you would like to start over? I'm not following you."

"I have an apology to deliver to your family," Father Anderson said. He sounded genuinely humbled. "Your uncle's sanity was injured by the work he must have done with your country. Proximity with that pet hellbeast of yours is not good for the soul."

"Is my uncle all right?"

Anderson cleared his throat. "Recently he's been terrorizing a small abbey, leaving black goat parts spread around the doors and windows, throwing things, running around it at night. . . actions very similar to those of chipped vampires who were also recently in the area. I'm afraid that while your uncle was running around the church dressed in red and black, I somehow mistook the taint of madness for something worse. I am sorry, Sir Integra."

"You're telling me that you killed my uncle."

"Yes."

Integra didn't even blink.

"He was wearing a knife," Anderson placed a hand on the box he carried, "and had probably been the person to assault a priest the evening before. He was indeed becoming a danger. But. . ." under her steady gaze, the man ran out of words.

"Please hand over the box." Integra opened it. She found a suit of red and black clothing with a very tattered cape. She held up the clothes. "No holes?"

"Decapitation," said Anderson, still with that apologetic note.

"Anderson, you've killed my men before," Integra said, her deep fury just beginning to show.

Anderson flushed. "When they were actually serving a vampire, and not pretending."

Integra picked up the grooved silver cross and turned it over in her fingers. "He had this?"

"That was on his body. In his car was an empty vial of what seemed to be blood, six knives of blackened silver, and a small child. I admit that had I not found the knives and child first, I might have waited longer before I attacked. I assumed the child was to take the place of the next goat, and I was. . . angry."

"Was the child unharmed?" Integra's head came up.

"Yes. He was Richard's son. I do not know why Richard took him along. He's downstairs now. I'm afraid that with the mother uninterested in raising him, his welfare is offered into your hands."

"I've certainly heard of my uncle's being caught disturbing the peace. I didn't know he'd sunk further." Integra propped her elbows on her desk. "Even if he was related to my family, I do not know how much further his attacks would have escalated. You have killed a madman with no relation to vampires. I will allow your church elders to judge your failure."

"I shall ask Enrico Maxwell to send you notification of their decision." Anderson bowed to her and retreated.

Integra sat perfectly still until she was quite sure that Anderson was out of the house. Then she slid back her chair and stood.

*~*

Ah, discovered.

Alucard smiled at Integra as she picked her way down the stairs, his calling card dangling from one hand, her gun in the other.

"I don't know how you did that," she said dangerously, swinging the small, grooved cross in one hand. "Are you trying to make me think that you always planned to deliver that man's son to Hellsing?"

"No," Alucard replied. "I was just playing with a Hellsing. Eliminating him seemed to be the final step needed to restore your peace of mind."

"So you had him go terrorize a monastery." Integra swung away. "Alucard, you go too far." She held up the cross. A moment later, she spoke again. "And you have the gall to have him carry your signature piece to his death."

"Your enemy was killed by your enemy. Can't you appreciate that?" Where was the woman's soul? He wished humans would show a bit more appreciation for irony.

"Father Anderson came to deliver his effects and Richard's child. He also came to apologize personally."

"Why didn't you let me out?" Alucard gasped, wounded. What had he missed?

"Because I didn't want my home torn up in a pitched battle between Good and Evil. Again." Integra paced.

Hoping to get out of the straitjacket then, Alucard hinted with a summary, "so I wasn't plotting against you, you have Richard's son, and all is once again well with Hellsing."

"That would seem to be an accurate assessment of the situation." Integra turned for the door.

"Are you going to let me out?"

Integra glanced back over her shoulder. "In a month. The pregnancy test won't be accurate for three weeks. I think I could use some peace of mind about this child."

Alucard watched the heavy door slam behind her and sighed mournfully.

Then he began the agreeable task of mentally composing the note of condolence he would send to Anderson for bungling a job.

Far above him, Integra trashed her pink thermometers with absolute glee.

___________

Author's Note:

Okies, I think I have everything.

Why was the blood on Richard's hands such a big deal? So Anderson would sense "vampire!" as soon as he got near. It would be such a waste of a good plan if Anderson merely hauled Richard to the local police station for trespassing. Alucard took a chance on the paladin's noticing the blood before he dissolved it, but the risk was minimal in the darkness around the monastery. And there was no chance of Anderson tracing it back to him; how would Anderson tell his blood from anyone else's?

It made sense to me that Anderson brought Richard's son to Integra. He murdered the kid's father; he's not going to add kidnapping to that, even if he doesn't approve of Auntie Integra.

Now I need a new plot. Come here, my fuzzy plot bunnies! Verbal carrots!