Normal Living

Bama

Here is something I had up in my head. My sister's school nurse said that the best thing was

to keep a journal but to put in aricles, poems, or song lyrics that express the feeling from that

day...

Here is Heero's 'Song Journal'READ THE LYRICS THERE THE MAIN PART!!!!

A/N--There will be 3 to 4 journalings in each chapter. AND I still need a editor! ^_^AND REVIEWERS!

!! I talk about things that happened in Blind Target and other manga's in here so if you haven't

read them you can find the tranlations at:

http://www.gundamwing.net/gwarchive.html

Then go to manga and read away!

Disclaimer: Me No Own Gundam Wing.Me No Own Stabbing Westward,Or Linkin Park ¿Compredia?

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A.C. 198

Day 1

July Second

Doctors are nagging chainsaws that sound like women to me, always nagging and poking, asking

this and that. But for once I think I will listen to them. I was told by Sally Po, right before I

ran away from the hosptial that Relena had me taken to after the mariemaya attacks, to talk about

my emotions in anyway, if not verbally then to write them down. It has been months since then and

I have finally decided that it might be nice to let some of these annoying thoughts out of me. So

here I go starting with the person who helped trained me, Dr. J.

Feeling - mad

To Who - Dr. J/Myself

Why? - He hurt me.

Song Lyrics - The Thing I hate (pomf)

Song By - Stabbing Westward

The Thing I hate (P.O.M.F {pissed off mother f**ker})

Lost in a world of doubt and insecurity

Nothing that you hold sacred nothing that you believe

Your life is a contradiction

While you thrive on manipulation

I fight to just hold onto what I believe

I won't become the thing I hate...

I won't become the thing I hate...

I won't become the thing I hate...

I won't become you

You've treated me like I'm a worthless piece of sh*t

You think like you're in control but you make me sick

I want to watch you suffer

The way you've made me suffer

I want to f**k up everything you've ever loved

But i won't become the thing I hate...

I won't become the thing I hate...

I won't become you

This anger comes from my hate for myself and for Dr. J. Why can't I get this out of me? Some

times I wonder what would of happened if I had not said I would become a Gundam pilot. Would I

have tried to live a normal life like Odin Lowe wanted me to? Or would I already be dead? I'm

happy I don't remember past my times with Odin Lowe, I don't what to know who I am or if I have a

family. I don't want to know them.

A.C. 198

Day 2

July Third

Emotions are peoples weaknesses, so why do I fell desperate for them? Why can't I get these

empty feeling from me. It started when I saw Relena on the TV, old feels come back so fast, like a

tidel wave. It was so weird, and now I can't get them out so here is the song of the day.

Feeling - Desperate

To Who - Freinds/ Relena

Why? - ???

Song Lyrics - Desperate Now

Song By - Stabbing Westward

Desperate Now:

I keep breaking all the promises

I keep making to my self

You'd think by now I'd be over this

Instead i'm feeling sorry for myself

So why does everything seem so desperate now

I should be feeling so alive

But it feels like something's missing

Something's wrong somehow

It feels like something

Deep inside has died

So why do I feel so desperate now

Why do I feel like dying

Why do I feel desperate now

Why do I feel desperate now

I keep breaking all the promises

I keep making to my self

But the promises mean nothing to me anymore

Circling the drain...

Spiraling to hell...

So why do I feel so desperate now

Why do I feel like dying

Why do I feel desperate now

Why do I feel desperate now

I broke everthing, all my promises, all my friendships, even the peoples hearts that I had

come to think important to me that night I left. I kept promising to myself that dreams and

memories, thoughts and action, will go away but there alway there. I really think there is nothing

left deep down, it is all dead, I'm not what everyone thinks I am. I'm getting tried of people

thinking I'm so strong and nothing can break me, I'm getting tried of MYSELF thinking that I'm

unbreakable. It's time for me to come to reality that I am breakable and that I do have feeling and

that it's my fault for not showing them. It's time for me to do what Odin asked me to do. I have

to do what 'normal' people do. I need to become a real 16-year-old-hormone-loving-school-hating-teenager.

Maybe then this desperate feeling will go away...

A.C. 198

Day 3

July Fouth

I looked around for a school today and just my luck Relena is here in L-1 to speak.

I said it before and I'll say it again. Relena is caught up in her ideals. Why can't she just leave

me alone? No, it's not her that I don't want to see, it is the way I feel that I don't WANT to

feel when ever she is around. I had to run home, hope she didn't see me, lock myself up in my

empty room, in my even more empty apartment. I had to shut out everyone and I had to look deep down

in myself to find out what was wrong with me. Isn't that what normal people do? This isn't the

first time I have done this, it happens every time I see her and I can't keep on doing this. I

can't let it become a habit! So here I will sit, in an empty room, with a book as my only company.

Here I can cry like a weak fool, here I can rock myself to sleep on the cold floor, and here is

the place I will drive myself insane.

Feeling - Insane, Confused

To Who - Everyone

Why? - Why can't I be normal?

Song Lyrics - Breaking The Habits

Song By - Linkin Park

Memories consume

Like opening the wound

I'm picking me apart again

You all assume

I'm safe here in my room

[Unless I try to start again]

I don't want to be the one

The battles always choose

'Cause inside I realize

That i'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

I don't know why I instigate

And say what I don't mean

I don't know how I got this way

I know it's not alright

So I'm breaking the habit

Tonight

Clutching my cure

I tightly lock the door

I try to catch my breath again

I hurt much more

Than anytime before

I had no options left again

I'll paint it on the walls

'Cause i'm the one at fault

I'll never fight again

And this is how it ends

I don't know what's worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

But now I have some clarity

To show you what I mean

I don't know how I got this way

I'll never be alright

So I'm breaking the habit

Breaking the Habit

Tonight

I have to keep myself sane, I have to put things in my life, surround myself so I can't drive

myself crazy. Tomorrow I have to paint the mural of my life on my wall so I don't forget. I can't

forget thoughs sane thoughts, I have to keep myself going and I have to go on with my life. I will

make it through, and I won't go insane!

TBC!!!_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

So... do you like it? There will be ALOT more H+R so do not fear. Please R+R!!!

Bama