Normal Living Chapter 2
By: Bama
Here it is chapter two in what I believe will give me battles of migraines and writer's block. DAMN YOU! I finally got my Microsoft Words back up so there won't be *as* much miss-spelled words. I NEED MORE LYRICS! If ya'll have any good one you would like to see here then send them on down I'll try to fit them in.
Disclaimer: No Heero's are Relena's were hurt in the making of the fan fiction. But that doesn't mean you will ever see them again!
::Muffled sound from the closet.::
Heero: Get me out of HERE!!!
Relena: I'm going to kill YOOOUUUU author-chan!
Bama:: struggling to keep the door closed:: What Bandi doesn't know won't hurt 'em!
Hee, hee.
I don't own Sugarcult, Stabbing Westward, or Korn. ::tears:: There all good band and if you never heard of them you SUCK!
WARNING: If you do NOT like the subject of suicide (cutting) and Mental Help Intuitions then you will not like this chapter. Skip it, block it, or just don't read it. What ever floats your boat.
**
A.C. 198
Day 4
August twenty-six
I thought for the longest time after that last journal entry that I had some what helped myself. I know now that I am wrong. I thought that if I surround myself and if I don't give myself time to think of *it* them maybe I can't confuse myself by thinking of *her*. I now know that yet again I was wrong. School helped, it made me busy, though I am learning stuff I already know. Friends never came and will never come easy for me. I well always be quiet and content with nods and grunts. I came accept the fate God gave me and I am ok with the nightmares and knowledge of the lives I took. In a war that is what you are to do, defeat you opponent, even if it means killing them. No that is not my problem. My problem is that little demon voice in the back of my head asking me 'Is she alright?' telling me 'One visit wouldn't hurt.' trying to drive me insane 'You know you what to see her.'
Yes, she is alright, she has the other guys to watch her.
Yes, one visit would hurt because one visit will turn into two, then three then so on.
Yes, I do what to see her, but does she what to see me?
I hate questions and I have so many of them up in my head, its driving me insane, to a point that I can't see straight and I can't be out in public and see a blonde-haired girl with out my heart picking up speed. I'm obsessed. I have to get out of here. I have to leave this confusion
I don't see how a normal human being can take this, I don't see how *I* could work around this and be more sane then, then I am now. I can't do this.
Feeling - Confusion, confusion and more confusion
To Who - Myself
Why? - I can't understand these question
Song Lyrics - Alone I Break
Song By - Korn
Alone I Break
Pick me up
Been bleeding too long
Right here, right now
I'll stop it somehow
I will make it go away
Can't be here no more
Seems this is the only way
I will soon be gone
These feelings will be gone
These feelings will be gone
Now I see the times they change
Leaving us, it seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
Where to leave my hurt behind
All the shit I seem to take
All alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?
Shut me off
I'm ready
Heart stops
I stand alone
Can't be my own
I will make it go away
Can't be here no more
Seems this is the only way
I will soon be gone
These feelings will be gone
These feelings will be gone
Now I see the times they change
Leaving us, it seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
Where to leave my hurt behind
All the shit I seem to take
All alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?
Am I going to leave this place?
What is it I'm running from?
Is there nothing more to come?
(Am I gonna leave this place?)
Is it always black in space?
Am I going take its place?
Am I going to win this race?
(Am I going to leave this race?)
I guess God's up in this place?
What is it that I've become?
Is there something more to come?
(More to come)
Now I see the times they change
Leaving us, it seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
Where to leave my hurt behind
All the shit I seem to take
All alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?
Is it normal for people that you go to school with to be able to tell you what wrong with you and you don't even know? Will anyone notice me when I'm gone? Will they sit in class and think 'Heero hasn't been showing for class lately. Wonder what happen.' The hell they will, no one well miss me. My plans are not abnormal in fact, there agreeable. No one well miss me. No one well morn me. And I won't have so many questions anymore. I'll just rot in my apartment tell they come to get my money, then they well find me. No one well care. The knife that sits beside me right now has not been used since the war. I remember the feel of it tucked into my shoe. I don't what that memory. No one does. So here is my end journal. Sorry I didn't write in you more, but then no one what to be burdened with others problems.
Heaven or hell, here I come.
A.C. 199
Day 5
September nineteenth
It has been a year. My god. I must tell you a lot of things have happen though it seems only yesterday I woke up in the hospital under Suicide Watch*. It was strange. When I woke up there was a blonde head girl that liked almost like Relena. That girl, I found out later, was my neighbor. She had come over because she was new and wanted to meet her neighbors. She had been knocking on my door when Mrs. Tucker, the nosy neighbor from across the hall, said that I was home and just to walk in. She found me on the bathroom floor and called 911. After that I went to rehab, in fact I just got out in July. People don't understand that rehab and therapist and counselors only bug the living shit out of you. They were not the ones to help me. My roommate did. His name was Rocco. He was there for drug abuse. What the orderlies didn't know was that he was also schizophrenic. I learn a lot from him and his other personality Ceque. It is funny how he really didn't try to teach me but just watching him at night, fighting with himself in his sleep made me realize how much I would have given away. I remember once he looked over to me and said the strangest thing. He said 'Nobody is meant to be alone.' The he laughed and said 'that's why I have the other.' I didn't understand what he meant, not then and really I don't think I have grasped it yet. He said once that you can't blame someone else for your own problems because in the end you will have to face yourself not the man beside you. That was my problem. I blame everyone else for not understanding me even when I didn't try to explain myself. I still keep emotion to myself and I can't help it. I know sleepless nights come with the package and I know I well live through it and survive. I know that if someone like Rocco can see my pain then I have hope. Maybe I well never be able to forget my youth, maybe I well never forget the war and all the people I killed in it, maybe someday I well be able to visit the other gundam pilots and well be able to speak to them as friends and not as a enemy, maybe one day I well have a family and friends and well not look to my past in discuss but see it as a learning tool that made me stronger.
Feeling - Rebirth
To Who - Rocco
Why? - For helping me
Song Lyrics - I Changed My Name
Song By - Sugarcult
I couldn't sleep last night
My ears were ringing in my head
Best friends with the boogie man
I may be better off here dead
Running on empty once again
Too tired for tears I dread
Sink deep into those magic dreams
While I blast off in my bed
And you know I played it all in here
Where everyone hides their darkest shades of fears
And I threw my whole night down the drain
You know cause everyone says that I'm not the same
Since I changed my name
Three hours later and I'm staring at the ceiling still
Xanax does nothing more but calm the sleeping thrill
Turning the pillows round and round to find the cold spot for my head
Ah, bless my only friend
And you know I played it all in here
Where everyone hides their darkest shades of fears
And I threw my whole night down the drain
You know cause everyone says that I'm not the same
And everyone turns tricks for fickle fame
I feel my body's lost control
My knees get weak as I drift away
And it gets darker, darker
Dreaming's where I am
And you know I played it all in here
Where everyone hides their darkest shades of fears
And I threw my whole night down the drain
And you know I played it all in here
Where everyone hides their darkest shades of fears
And I threw my whole night down the drain
You know cause everyone says that I'm not the same
Since I changed my name
In some sense I have change my way. I have added to myself and taken away. I change my act, my look on life and mostly the way I look at myself. I can look in the mirror and say, My name is Heero Yuy and I'm proud to be me. I hide my demon better and look human around people. That is the best way for me to live.
A.C. 199
Day 6
September twenty-first
I understand now what that awful word love means. I visited Relena tonight and over heard her praying some to God Almighty. At first I couldn't understand what she was saying then I heard her talking about a man name Jonah. She said that she really loved him but she was waiting for someone else. She said that that man might never come and she was asking for help to chose which man. She was crying and was barely able to keep her body up while she prayed. It scared me to think that love can do that to some one. I had a scarier thought while I was walking in to rain back to the hotel I had rented. What if that other man was me? Was she crying because I left her? What of she really loves me? Some questions are not meant to be answered all I can give her is a song she well never see, a special page in a journal that a lone soldier carries around and puts song lyrics in.
Feeling - sorrow
Who - Relena
Why?- caught in love with two men
Song Lyrics - Sometimes it Hurts
Song By-Stabbing Westward
Six o'clock in the morning
my head is ready to explode
I can't believe I made it home alive
I don't remember where I went
or what I was drinking
but I know it's made me sick
and I'm not denying
that I get this way
when I try to get over you
I get this way
when I try to get over you
sometimes it hurts so much
to lose the one you love
sometimes it hurts so much
to lose the one you love
I tried so hard to hate you
but it only makes things worse
I only end up hating myself
and as my hatred grows
so do the lies
it's hard to face the truth sometimes
god I feel so useless
god I hate myself
when I try to get over you
I hate myself
how will I ever get over you?
sometimes it hurts so much
to lose the one you love
and after all this time you would think I'd understand the way I feel but no
I only think about myself
and it's driving you away
sometimes it hurts so much to lose the one you love
I hope she get through her dilemma and finds who she wants to be with for the rest of her life. She strong, so strong. I wouldn't be lying if I said she was stronger then me in so many different areas of life. She is able to get respect were it is unseen and unheard of. I just wish that I can be as strong as her.
A.C. 199
Day 7
September twenty- second
Relena was crying again tonight. I can't stand it when women cry it make me feel so bad. She was praying, saying that everyone won't miss her she is not needed anymore. That is when I realize what she was going to do. She was going to commit suicide. I stopped her, making my presence known. I then did something totally out of character, I held her. It felt so good but so wrong at the same time. She had a man that really loved her and a man who was to be coming back, but the man that really had feeling for her but she not for him, was the one holding her. She did something unthinkable that still has me wondering if she meant it, right before she fell asleep she whispered 'I love you'. I left her and a note that said 'I hope you mean it' and now I can't sleep. Once again all I can give her is a song and hope that she gets better.
Feeling - sorrow
Who - Relena
Why?- Conflicting feeling
Song Lyrics - When I'm Dead
Song By-Stabbing Westward
I know the tears you're crying in your bed at night alone
I've cried those tears a thousand times
but those shallow empty songs about suicide are patronizing
you've got to learn to face your fears
or do you think I'll be less lonely when I'm dead
it can't silence all the voices in my head
I close my eyes but I can't make it go away...
do you think I'll be less lonely when I'm dead
I know the songs you're singing saying nothing loud and clear
I've heard that song a thousand times
but your noble empty lies about suicide are patronizing
you can never understand what I feel
or do you think I'll be less lonely when I'm dead
it can't silence all the voices in my head
I close my eyes but I can't make it go away...
or do you think I'll be less lonely
god I pray I'm less lonely when I'm dead
when I'm dead
I don't know what to do. Should I stick around and see if she meant it? Or just hightail it back to the colonies? I'm confused if she meant it or not. Maybe she did it on a whelm and didn't mean it. I don't know. I really just don't know.
^_^
Yippee! It's done it's really DONE!!! It took me almost two weeks to write! So make Bama a happy camper (she doesn't camp) and R&R!
* Suicide Watch, for though of you who don't know, is were they strap you down to your bed and you not aloud to go anywhere by yourself. It's a horrible thing that I had the honor of experiencing. ::sweat drop:: No fun at all.
Ceque is a very good friend of mine that is schizophrenic and her alt. personality is named Rocco. Ceque is pronounced C.Q. I LOVE YOU GIRLY!
~Bama
