Disclaimer: None of the characters are to be blamed as this was not their fault. It was Bree's. We were having a wonderful conversation about Colleges, FBI Agent, and the Scarlet Letter, but she wanted to write this.

"Your mama's so fat her picture fell off the wall," Draco's ghost said to ginny weasley.

Ginny gasped. "Since when are you dead?"

"Voldie was having a temper tantrum," Draco sighed. "Wrong place wrong time... that and i was doing his grandaughter."

Ron shoved a stick up Draco's ghost's bum. "At least my momma didn't... screw... your dad!"

Draco sneered at ron. "You're such a moron! I'm a ghost! that can't hurt me! Or feel good at all!"

"Yeah? Well at least I can say 'I shoved a stick up draco's bum!'" Ron said, proudly.

Draco squeezed Ron's balls and replied, "Now I can say I looked for your non existant balls."

The audience collectively gasps.

A drunk Lucius and Snape came tumbling into the room singing "Island in the Sun" with Lucius getting a little to into the 'Hip, hip's.

Dumbledore ran over to join them and offered that myserious white powder that keeps popping up.

Lucius gleefully shoved Snape's face into the white powder and happily said "Hip, hip."

A minute later Ginny jumped onto the table, took flight and captured Severus, cackling evilly all the way. As she flew out of the great hall, she shouted in farewell "I LEARNED THAT EVIL CACKLE FROM VOLDIE! MUWHAHAAAAA!"

Lucius lassoed Snape and put his face back into the white powder.

BBL jumped into the fic to capture Severus back and chain him up. She grined evilly and whiped his beautifully pail chest until he promises to rap Hermione. Then she precedes to rap him herself.

Everyone pauses and screams "NOOOOO!"

Lucius screamed bloody murder at the sight of his lover being loved by another.

Hermione killed herself on the point of her wand after declaring, "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE SNAPEY!"

Severus just shrugs and says "Oh well, I have enough toys."

All of a sudden, Dumbledore, that spry old man jumped down from his seat and proposed to Harry.

"Only if you'll give me some of that white powder for free," Harry said.

Dumbledore generously produced the white powder, jumped back to the table, and back in time.

Harry fainted like the queer he was at the sight of his white powder and fiancee.

"I WANT PIZZA!" Crookshanks screamed.

"I thought we already had this conversation," Hedwig sighed. "ANIMALS CAN'T TALK!"

"Can I eat you?" Sirius asked, changing into a black dog.

"Then what the hell are you and sirius doing?" Crookshanks asked.

"Thinking really loud," Hedwig said smartly.

"I almost swallowed my gum," Neville said.

"That was random," Seamus answered him.

"CATS!" Neville screamed.

"Thank you," Neville replied cursing him.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Draco screamed.

"Draco, please refrain from girlish shrieks while in my home," Dumbledore mumbled.

"Since when are there two Nevilles?" Ron asked.

"There aren't," Dumbledore mumbled again.

"But... two of them... look!" Ron cried.

Suddenly, Lucius SCREAMED like a GIRL.

"LUCY!" Fangirls cried, jumping into the fic themselves.

Suddenly, Lucius turned into a girl.

"I wonder if one is a NevilleBot?" BBL asks.

"THERE IS ONLY ONE NEVILLE!!!!!!" EVERYONE SCREAMED.

Ron gets out a sledge hammer and hit one of the TWO Nevilles over the head, blood came out and he shrugged, "That one's human."

He hit the other one over the head and blood came out, "Human too."

"OWWWWWW!" screamed some random person who wasn't neville, seeing as there is only ONE.

"You were wrong BBL... now what do we do with these half dead corpses?"

"What a waste! HE would've made a lovely sex toy." BBL sighed.

Breetanya jumped into the fic, "How many sex toys do you actually have?"

BBL murmurs names and counts off on her fingers. They hear snatches that sound like Spike...Vin...Wesley. Then she replies confidently "7."

"Only?" Breetanya asked. "I was sure you had at least 10."

"Most of them couldn't keep up and some were temporary." BBL sighed and shrugged.

Breetanya then jumped back out of the fic so they could get back to the REAL characters.

BBL joined her.

Professor McGollangal started to do the hokey pokey with all of the Hufflepuffs.

"How come Lucius is a woman now?" Minerva asked when it ended.

"Fan girls attacked," Snape sighed. "Now i'm not attracted to him at all."

"That's okay. I'm now mysteriously attracted to you and can distract you from Lucy loss!" Harry screamed and jumped Snape from behind.

"BUT YOU ARE GOING TO MARRY ME!" Dumbledore cried after eating a lemon drop.

Lucius turned back into a man in time to throw Harry off Snape, and start humping Snape.

"I want to buy another soul!" Ron exclaimed, prancing around the room. "They're having a two for one sale!"

Suddenly, Oliver Wood in all his scottish glory came into the room and speared Ron with a spoon.

"No soul sale can save you now!!!" Oliver screamed at Ron's ghost.

"I wonder if ghosts can screw each other?" Ron wondered as he went off to find Draco.

"I'm breaking out" Moaning Myrtle sang floating/dancing into the great hall picking at her pimples. "I want the world to know.."

Virtie from her corner of the room vomited at the thought of Myrtle picking her zits which are breaking out...... Um, ew?

Remus came over and patted Virtie on the head, "Its okay, but why wasn't I in the fic before?"

Virtie looked up at Remus, then grabbed him and starting humping him.

Myrtle saw Harry and took the opportunity to screw him. She, however, flew right through him and wailed and cried. "I'll never lose my virginity NOW!"

"Well," Voldemort said coming in, "I screwed your dead body..."

"Oh," Myrtle brightened. "Thank you ever so much. I wish I could have felt it, though." And with that she started sobbing again.

"Why dont' you go find Ron and Draco, they'll let you in on it," Dumbledore said.

Myrtle flew off to join them.

Cho spoke up, "WHY IS EVERYONE SCREWING IN THE GREAT HALL? I CAN'T SCREW CEDRIC ANYMORE AND ITS NOT FAIR!"

Hermione said, "It's okay. Dumbledore said it's okay for us to use the Great Hall as a brothel. Wanna screw? It'll make you feel better?"

"BUT YOUR DEAD! YOU KILLED YOURSELF SO SNAPE WOULDN'T SCREW YOU ALIVE!" Cho screamed.

"Bloody hell! I'd forgotten!" Hermione went to find Nearly Headless Nick.

Snape leaned back in his chair, took a shot of tequila, then burped and adjusted himself.

BBL popped back in "There's drunk Sevviness?" she grinned. "Drunk guys are so fun!"

Breetanya screamed a scream that was heard both in and out of the fic thinking about what BBL could be thinking.

Virtie kicked Bree repeatedly and demanded that the pointlessness of this fic to end. NOW. So says the Pink Queen of Death.