He caught her near the end of the path he'd directed her to earlier. She'd
had a vague plan of sitting on the deserted beach, trying to siphon out
this fury by throwing rocks into the sea or building sand castles and then
jumping on them or doing something.
Instead Buffy stood facing Spike at the intersection of the sand path and
the unsealed town drag. He'd clasped a hand over her shoulder to stop her
escape when he'd caught her, but let go quickly. She could've left. She
could've gone and built sand castles or hid in her room or danced with the
backpackers to Loveshack, which she could hear beginning to play in the
bar, even from here. But she stood there, with Spike, in the open
air,trying hard to hear the ocean through the jungle, hoping the sounds
would calm her. She was going to fight with him. Buffy was good at fighting
with Spike. And so she began again.
"What happened, in the bathroom that night, it doesn't matter to you at all, does it?"
Wow. Almost a knock out, first punch. There was a term for that, wasn't there? But no, he was recovering. He looked ill, and shocked, and small, but he was going to engage with the blow.
"God Buffy, my whole life now is about what happened in that bathroom."
"Then how come you can have sex with that girl?" She threw him into absolute confusion with that.
"What the hell does that have to do with anything? Do you think.... I'm not sufficiently affected until I decide to never screw again in penance? I can't lose my soul Buffy, from the moment of happiness clause. Shit. You know this. Your whole life's about that lack of clause."
Her mouth kept trying to form words in reply to this, trying to say it right. Finally she just gave up, and said it wrong. "I thought that after what happened sex wouldn't be something you would ... I thought you wouldn't want to go back there. I mean with the soul... I thought there'd be guilt."
And he gave her one of his looks, the questioning one that meant he already knew her answer, he just wanted to make her hear herself say it. "And so this is all about sex, is it love?"
She looked away. 18 months of considering, and she wanted to get this right, "Spike, I think every thing that happens between us is at least partly about sex. And I think that's why what happened in the bathroom happened."
She surprised him with that. He'd so clearly positioned himself as emotionally superior.
She loved that she surprised him. Surprising him- it always struck her as something to be proud of, and relieved the anger a bit, made her feel better. So much better that she almost spared him. Almost.
"But what you did was so wrong.I mean, you used to tell me about your great all consuming burning passion, like it was all gothic and tragic and precious, and then we turned into these characters out of some cheesy health class date rape video. What happened in the bathroom was so common, Spike.You made us something disgusting even according to your warped vampire morals." They still stood facing at the junction. She expected him to pounce on what she'd said, deny it, or be distraught.
Instead he surprised her, because he liked to do that too. He smiled at her. Wistfully.
"You know the worst thing about love in books and poetry, slayer? It's so fucking chaste. Everyone always absconds from the touch of all others as a sign of their devotion. And they wonder why it always ends badly. They never realise, it's because with their balls such a charming shade of blue, they can't think straight." Now the smile was apologetic. "I'll love you forever, slayer, but I can't love you like I did and not be with you. I have to make it a bit less perfect to be able to stand it."
Now Buffy felt some tears. Because being adored by your enemy was terrifying, and made everything harder. Because having him devoted to you could be like the ground beneath your feet. And part of it was over.
"So, you cheat on me with this girl?"
He rolled his eyes, and it relaxed things. A tiny bit. "No slayer. I know this will be hard for you to process, but it's not really about you, pet. It's about me. I can't just love and hate anymore. This soul- everything's not black and white. Some things still are- I still love you, and I still love killing demons, and I still love blood, but now- there are colours. I like running the bar. I like girls. I like alot of them. I like sex. And doing stuff I like, siphons some of the other stuff off. Makes it bearable."
"What about the girls, Spike? Do they have anything to say in this?" He grins, and the tension moves further away, and her remaining anger softens into annoyance.
"Well normally they're saying, oh, you're the best lay ever, Spike.."
"Spike. You know that's so not what I meant."
His face quirked, but he relented. "They all know it's a one time, or at least not permanent thing. Most of them are travelers, who'll never be here again. And they all leave my bed smiling. Grinning, actually. When they can walk." Pause, and he examined her face, and she knew he was going to be bad. "Its not quite helping the helpless, I suppose. More helping the willing."
She shook her head at his cockiness. He was so vulgar.
"So that's you Spike. Casually screwing towards redemption"
"Just sharing the joy, love. Making the world a better place, one pussy at a time."
"Gross, Spike. That's just gross."
"What happened, in the bathroom that night, it doesn't matter to you at all, does it?"
Wow. Almost a knock out, first punch. There was a term for that, wasn't there? But no, he was recovering. He looked ill, and shocked, and small, but he was going to engage with the blow.
"God Buffy, my whole life now is about what happened in that bathroom."
"Then how come you can have sex with that girl?" She threw him into absolute confusion with that.
"What the hell does that have to do with anything? Do you think.... I'm not sufficiently affected until I decide to never screw again in penance? I can't lose my soul Buffy, from the moment of happiness clause. Shit. You know this. Your whole life's about that lack of clause."
Her mouth kept trying to form words in reply to this, trying to say it right. Finally she just gave up, and said it wrong. "I thought that after what happened sex wouldn't be something you would ... I thought you wouldn't want to go back there. I mean with the soul... I thought there'd be guilt."
And he gave her one of his looks, the questioning one that meant he already knew her answer, he just wanted to make her hear herself say it. "And so this is all about sex, is it love?"
She looked away. 18 months of considering, and she wanted to get this right, "Spike, I think every thing that happens between us is at least partly about sex. And I think that's why what happened in the bathroom happened."
She surprised him with that. He'd so clearly positioned himself as emotionally superior.
She loved that she surprised him. Surprising him- it always struck her as something to be proud of, and relieved the anger a bit, made her feel better. So much better that she almost spared him. Almost.
"But what you did was so wrong.I mean, you used to tell me about your great all consuming burning passion, like it was all gothic and tragic and precious, and then we turned into these characters out of some cheesy health class date rape video. What happened in the bathroom was so common, Spike.You made us something disgusting even according to your warped vampire morals." They still stood facing at the junction. She expected him to pounce on what she'd said, deny it, or be distraught.
Instead he surprised her, because he liked to do that too. He smiled at her. Wistfully.
"You know the worst thing about love in books and poetry, slayer? It's so fucking chaste. Everyone always absconds from the touch of all others as a sign of their devotion. And they wonder why it always ends badly. They never realise, it's because with their balls such a charming shade of blue, they can't think straight." Now the smile was apologetic. "I'll love you forever, slayer, but I can't love you like I did and not be with you. I have to make it a bit less perfect to be able to stand it."
Now Buffy felt some tears. Because being adored by your enemy was terrifying, and made everything harder. Because having him devoted to you could be like the ground beneath your feet. And part of it was over.
"So, you cheat on me with this girl?"
He rolled his eyes, and it relaxed things. A tiny bit. "No slayer. I know this will be hard for you to process, but it's not really about you, pet. It's about me. I can't just love and hate anymore. This soul- everything's not black and white. Some things still are- I still love you, and I still love killing demons, and I still love blood, but now- there are colours. I like running the bar. I like girls. I like alot of them. I like sex. And doing stuff I like, siphons some of the other stuff off. Makes it bearable."
"What about the girls, Spike? Do they have anything to say in this?" He grins, and the tension moves further away, and her remaining anger softens into annoyance.
"Well normally they're saying, oh, you're the best lay ever, Spike.."
"Spike. You know that's so not what I meant."
His face quirked, but he relented. "They all know it's a one time, or at least not permanent thing. Most of them are travelers, who'll never be here again. And they all leave my bed smiling. Grinning, actually. When they can walk." Pause, and he examined her face, and she knew he was going to be bad. "Its not quite helping the helpless, I suppose. More helping the willing."
She shook her head at his cockiness. He was so vulgar.
"So that's you Spike. Casually screwing towards redemption"
"Just sharing the joy, love. Making the world a better place, one pussy at a time."
"Gross, Spike. That's just gross."
