At last, charged and heartened by your ultra sweet and cheer-upping
reviews, I return to the fanfiction scene, and may no one stand in the way
of LUTHIEN TINUVIEL!! Muahahaha!! Right, now that that's out of my system,
on with the show!
In Middle Earth, the Olympic Team began training like mad- swimming across the Anduin, riding Oliphaunts brought in from the South, and even living in Harad for a while, just to see what happened. Aragorn put Faramir in charge of his kingdom, much to Boromir's disgust.
"Why can't I be Ki- I mean, Steward?" he whined.
"Because you're dead," Aragorn replied, ignoring the stuck out tongue of the other man.
Even the Hobbits practiced getting into shape- Frodo turned out to be an excellent Long Jumper, having had practice trying to get onto rafts on the Brandywine while being chased by servants of the Dark Lord.
Meanwhile, in the Wizarding world.
Dumbledore pulled a large lever on the wall, revealing a secret lab full of strange bubbling things. He led his team to an area of the lab where there sat a large, empty cauldron.
"This is my greatest invention!" he announced.
"There's nothing there," Harry pointed out.
"Not yet," said Dumbledore evilly, then instructed the Weasley twins to get him two large bags that he'd put in a corner. He emptied them in, and the watchers noticed that one bag said 'SUGAR' and the other, 'SPICE'.
"Oh my God!" cried Professor McGonagall, clutching her heart, "Albus, surely."
"Professor!" Hermione exclaimed, "Isn't what I intelligently know you are doing rather dangerous?"
"Yes," hissed the Headmaster, "But it's worth it." He emptied the bags into the cauldron, then got another sack from somewhere. It was pretty and pink and had little hearts and flowers and stars on it, and the words 'EVERYTHING NICE'. He threw the sack itself into the cauldron, then reached into his robes and drew out a bottle of something. It was a strange, glittery liquid that changed colour from pink to purple to silver to gold to turquoise and a million others at the speed of light.
"Chemical S!" Dumbledore declared.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Cedric, who knew only too well what that last ingredient indicated. "Don't do it, Professor Headmaster Dumbledore Sir! Don't do it!!!"
"Shut up, dead boy," snapped Snape, and the statement hurt Cedric so much that he ran away in tears.
Dumbledore continued, emptying the entire bottle of 'Chemical S' into the cauldron and causing a small, but not harmful explosion. The smell of the most alluring perfume known to life on earth filled the room as out from the cauldron emerged-
"Mary Sue," Dumbledore announced dreamily. It was true. The Headmaster had created the world's most perfect life form, a Mary Sue. This specimen of near nauseating perfection had waist length golden hair that shone as the sun on the first morning of summer, and eyes the colour of the calm sea on which great ships sail in the gentle wind, her voice had the quality and tone that enters the heart and captures the soul. She came from the cauldron bathed in a silvery glow like moonlight on a sandy beach, and she was clothed in robes of the finest silks, of colours that words cannot describe. Needless to say, she was perfect. And had pointy ears.
"Ooohhh," said the gathering.
"Hello," she said in a perfect voice that sounded like the tinkling of tiny silver bells in the dawn, that charmed them all.
"What are you going to do with her?" McGonagall asked, unimpressed.
Dumbledore pulled out his wand and pointed it at a wall. "Creatus Portalus!" he said, and a portal shimmered in front of them. He went to the Mary Sue and said, "You are shunned by your family because of your matchless beauty and in running away from them you stumbled through this portal."
Tears filled in the Sue's eyes. "I really cared for my parents, even though they did not return my love and affection. but I feel as though I belong somewhere else, and long to be where I am from."
"Good," smiled Dumbledore, "Now, off you go!"
The Sue walked into the portal with utmost grace that shamed the purest white swan as it skimmed gently over the still surface of a glistening lake.
"Yes, yes, get on with it!" snapped Professor McGonagall impatiently.
"I have a question," said Percy Weasley importantly, "Is creating prefect- I mean- perfect beings against the rules, by any chance? We wouldn't want to be cheating, now, would we, Headmaster sir?"
"WHO CARES??" bellowed Dumbledore, "I HAVE BEEN WANTING TO KICK THAT GANDALF GUY'S BACKSIDE EVER SINCE THEY CREAMED US AT THE WORLD CUP! IF WE HAVE TO CHEAT TO WIN, THEN WE CHEAT TO WIN!! GOT IT, WEASLEY??"
Percy gulped, then took a deep breath and said, "Er, but I'm a perfect, I mean I'm a Prefect, and if I break the rules, then."
"Percy," said the Weasley twins at the same time, "You're not a prefect any more."
"Wicked," said Ron in admiring tones, "I love it when people speak in unison!"
"Oh, do shut up, Ron!" said Hermione, hitting him over the head with the cauldron, showing that people with bushy hair are actually hiding Herculean strength. Unfortunately, this cauldron still had the Mary Sue Potion in it, and some of it spilled on Ron. Immediately, sparks flew from the inside of it, and Ron Weasley got transformed into a-
"Male Mary Sue?" gasped Hermione, realizing that the Ron standing before her was nothing short of gorgeous.
"I have heard of such things happening before," said Ron intelligently, "It only occurs at certain astronomical periods of time when the magical field is magnified to make transformation of a defective being into a faultless one."
"Oh," said Harry stupidly, "I knew that all the time! I'm already perfect, so the potion would have no effect on me, of course."
This statement was purely false, so in accordance with an ancient prophecy (that goes 'When an idiot declares a falsehood in the presence of perfection. he shall be squashed by a falling elephant.'), a giant elephant landed on him. Out of the ceiling. Inside a castle.
"Thus is the prophecy fulfilled," said Ron sagely.
Now, back to Middle Earth, where an unexpecting Legolas is drying his hair with a Valar powered hair dryer, singing one of his favourite Elven songs- one he'd written himself, in fact.
"And I said this is no mere ranger,
And Bors knew he was in danger!
I said he's Aragorn, son of Arathorn,
Out there in that cold Rivendell morn,
And ol' Boromir gasped- he didn't have a chance
'Cuz he owed Strider his- ALLEGIANCE!"
He set down his hair dryer and did a little air- harp (like an air guitar, but more Elven) routine to go with the song, then whirled around when he heard something that sounded like bells.
He gasped. "My ears are ringing! I knew I shouldn't have used that cheap hairdryer! But Arwen always takes the good-" He heard the bell like sound again and realized it was someone singing.
The expression of annoyance that had come on his face at the thought of someone trying to outdo him faded into one of dazedness. He floated out towards the source of the voice.
Oh no! What has Dumbledore done? Has the Sue ensnared ol' Leggie? Or will justice and the power of good prevail over bad cheaters? Will Ron be hotter than even Figwit? Find out when the chronicles continue!!
In Middle Earth, the Olympic Team began training like mad- swimming across the Anduin, riding Oliphaunts brought in from the South, and even living in Harad for a while, just to see what happened. Aragorn put Faramir in charge of his kingdom, much to Boromir's disgust.
"Why can't I be Ki- I mean, Steward?" he whined.
"Because you're dead," Aragorn replied, ignoring the stuck out tongue of the other man.
Even the Hobbits practiced getting into shape- Frodo turned out to be an excellent Long Jumper, having had practice trying to get onto rafts on the Brandywine while being chased by servants of the Dark Lord.
Meanwhile, in the Wizarding world.
Dumbledore pulled a large lever on the wall, revealing a secret lab full of strange bubbling things. He led his team to an area of the lab where there sat a large, empty cauldron.
"This is my greatest invention!" he announced.
"There's nothing there," Harry pointed out.
"Not yet," said Dumbledore evilly, then instructed the Weasley twins to get him two large bags that he'd put in a corner. He emptied them in, and the watchers noticed that one bag said 'SUGAR' and the other, 'SPICE'.
"Oh my God!" cried Professor McGonagall, clutching her heart, "Albus, surely."
"Professor!" Hermione exclaimed, "Isn't what I intelligently know you are doing rather dangerous?"
"Yes," hissed the Headmaster, "But it's worth it." He emptied the bags into the cauldron, then got another sack from somewhere. It was pretty and pink and had little hearts and flowers and stars on it, and the words 'EVERYTHING NICE'. He threw the sack itself into the cauldron, then reached into his robes and drew out a bottle of something. It was a strange, glittery liquid that changed colour from pink to purple to silver to gold to turquoise and a million others at the speed of light.
"Chemical S!" Dumbledore declared.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Cedric, who knew only too well what that last ingredient indicated. "Don't do it, Professor Headmaster Dumbledore Sir! Don't do it!!!"
"Shut up, dead boy," snapped Snape, and the statement hurt Cedric so much that he ran away in tears.
Dumbledore continued, emptying the entire bottle of 'Chemical S' into the cauldron and causing a small, but not harmful explosion. The smell of the most alluring perfume known to life on earth filled the room as out from the cauldron emerged-
"Mary Sue," Dumbledore announced dreamily. It was true. The Headmaster had created the world's most perfect life form, a Mary Sue. This specimen of near nauseating perfection had waist length golden hair that shone as the sun on the first morning of summer, and eyes the colour of the calm sea on which great ships sail in the gentle wind, her voice had the quality and tone that enters the heart and captures the soul. She came from the cauldron bathed in a silvery glow like moonlight on a sandy beach, and she was clothed in robes of the finest silks, of colours that words cannot describe. Needless to say, she was perfect. And had pointy ears.
"Ooohhh," said the gathering.
"Hello," she said in a perfect voice that sounded like the tinkling of tiny silver bells in the dawn, that charmed them all.
"What are you going to do with her?" McGonagall asked, unimpressed.
Dumbledore pulled out his wand and pointed it at a wall. "Creatus Portalus!" he said, and a portal shimmered in front of them. He went to the Mary Sue and said, "You are shunned by your family because of your matchless beauty and in running away from them you stumbled through this portal."
Tears filled in the Sue's eyes. "I really cared for my parents, even though they did not return my love and affection. but I feel as though I belong somewhere else, and long to be where I am from."
"Good," smiled Dumbledore, "Now, off you go!"
The Sue walked into the portal with utmost grace that shamed the purest white swan as it skimmed gently over the still surface of a glistening lake.
"Yes, yes, get on with it!" snapped Professor McGonagall impatiently.
"I have a question," said Percy Weasley importantly, "Is creating prefect- I mean- perfect beings against the rules, by any chance? We wouldn't want to be cheating, now, would we, Headmaster sir?"
"WHO CARES??" bellowed Dumbledore, "I HAVE BEEN WANTING TO KICK THAT GANDALF GUY'S BACKSIDE EVER SINCE THEY CREAMED US AT THE WORLD CUP! IF WE HAVE TO CHEAT TO WIN, THEN WE CHEAT TO WIN!! GOT IT, WEASLEY??"
Percy gulped, then took a deep breath and said, "Er, but I'm a perfect, I mean I'm a Prefect, and if I break the rules, then."
"Percy," said the Weasley twins at the same time, "You're not a prefect any more."
"Wicked," said Ron in admiring tones, "I love it when people speak in unison!"
"Oh, do shut up, Ron!" said Hermione, hitting him over the head with the cauldron, showing that people with bushy hair are actually hiding Herculean strength. Unfortunately, this cauldron still had the Mary Sue Potion in it, and some of it spilled on Ron. Immediately, sparks flew from the inside of it, and Ron Weasley got transformed into a-
"Male Mary Sue?" gasped Hermione, realizing that the Ron standing before her was nothing short of gorgeous.
"I have heard of such things happening before," said Ron intelligently, "It only occurs at certain astronomical periods of time when the magical field is magnified to make transformation of a defective being into a faultless one."
"Oh," said Harry stupidly, "I knew that all the time! I'm already perfect, so the potion would have no effect on me, of course."
This statement was purely false, so in accordance with an ancient prophecy (that goes 'When an idiot declares a falsehood in the presence of perfection. he shall be squashed by a falling elephant.'), a giant elephant landed on him. Out of the ceiling. Inside a castle.
"Thus is the prophecy fulfilled," said Ron sagely.
Now, back to Middle Earth, where an unexpecting Legolas is drying his hair with a Valar powered hair dryer, singing one of his favourite Elven songs- one he'd written himself, in fact.
"And I said this is no mere ranger,
And Bors knew he was in danger!
I said he's Aragorn, son of Arathorn,
Out there in that cold Rivendell morn,
And ol' Boromir gasped- he didn't have a chance
'Cuz he owed Strider his- ALLEGIANCE!"
He set down his hair dryer and did a little air- harp (like an air guitar, but more Elven) routine to go with the song, then whirled around when he heard something that sounded like bells.
He gasped. "My ears are ringing! I knew I shouldn't have used that cheap hairdryer! But Arwen always takes the good-" He heard the bell like sound again and realized it was someone singing.
The expression of annoyance that had come on his face at the thought of someone trying to outdo him faded into one of dazedness. He floated out towards the source of the voice.
Oh no! What has Dumbledore done? Has the Sue ensnared ol' Leggie? Or will justice and the power of good prevail over bad cheaters? Will Ron be hotter than even Figwit? Find out when the chronicles continue!!
