Breaking Up Is Hard to Do
SCENE ONE
FADE IN:
EXT. BACKYARD - DAY
(JOEY FINISHES POURING A LARGE BAG OF
SAND INTO THE SANDBOX. DANNY LOOKS ON.
SNAKE IS PLAY CROQUET BY HIMSELF)
DANNY
Joey, is it really necessary to
put sand in the sandbox?
JOEY
This is our first time
babysitting Michelle's new
playgroup. Don't you want to
make a good impression on
Michelle's friends?
DANNY
Joey, they're three years
old. And you know that sand is
going to end up in my house.
Trapped in my carpet fibers,
hiding in our bedsheets,
glomming onto bars of soap,
and driving us into the street.
SNAKE
I hope it drives you into the street.
I hate you people, THIS IS MY HOUSE!
JOEY
Fine. We'll just leave it
empty. The kids will have lots
of fun building air castles.
(STEPHANIE ENTERS WITH AN APPLE IN HER
MOUTH)
STEPHANIE
Addy! Addy!
(STEPHANIE MUMBLES SOMETHING)
DANNY
Honey, I can't understand you
with that apple in your mouth.
SNAKE
She's saying how much she hates
you.
(DANNY PULLS THE APPLE OUT OF
STEPHANIE 'S MOUTH)
JESSE
Now what did you say?
STEPHANIE
I said don't pull that apple
out of my mouth.
JOEY
Look, your loose tooth is stuck
in the apple.
SNAKE
Yeesh. That's child abuse.
(STEPHANIE SEES HER TOOTH STUCK IN THE
APPLE)
STEPHANIE
It's out! What a relief. I
was jiggling it around with my
tongue for a week. It kept
hanging by this one little skin
string.
(THE GUYS CRINGE. SNAKE LAUGHS)
JOEY
We get the picture.
STEPHANIE
I'm gonna put this under my
pillow right now for the Tooth
Fairy! This thing is money in
the bank.
(SHE RUNS INTO THE HOUSE)
CUT TO:
SCENE TWO
INT. LIVING ROOM - COUNTINUOUS ACTION
(D.J. ENTERS DRESSED FOR HORSEBACK
RIDING. SNAKE IS SITTING ON THE COUCH)
D.J.
Hello?! I've got a greatstory
to tell! I nees someone to
tell it to!
SNAKE
Well you ain't telling it
to me, I hate you people.
(STEPHANIE COMES RUNNING IN FROM THE
KITCHEN)
STEPHANIE
Look! My tooth come out!
(SHE SHOWS HER THE APPLE)
D.J.
That's nothing. I jumped my
first fence today.
SNAKE
Oh yeah? Well I bought a new
pair of shoes today, and you
don't hear me gloating about
it!
STEPHANIE
Big deal. You didn't jump it,
your horse did.
SNAKE
Both of you! Shut up! I'm trying to eat my cereal!
D.J.
So, you didn't lose your tooth,
your gums did. I jumped a fence.
(THE GIRLS START UPSTAIRS)
SNAKE
Hey? Why're you going upstairs! YOU HAVE TO WASH THE DAMN DISHES!
STEPHANIE
That tooth fairy is gonna make
me a rich woman. I've never
heard of any fence fairy.
SNAKE
That's the worst joke I've ever heard.
Truly horrible. Worse than Jesse's
"Air Castle" line.
(THE GIRLS EXIT AS REBECCA ENTERS AT THE
FRONT DOOR. SHE CALLS BACK OUTSIDE)
REBECCA
C'mon partner, mosey on in here.
(JESSE LIMPS IN, BOWLEGGED AND
EXTREMELY SADDLE-SORE. HIS RIDING
CLOTHES ARE CAKED WITH MUD)
SNAKE
Ughhhh...This is going to be wrong, I
can tell already.
REBECCA
What an actor. You know you
had fun.
JESSE
That horse threw me on
purpose, He could've thrown me
anytime. But Diablo waited.
Waited three hours until my
body was wracked with pain.
Waited until we were five feet
from the barn. Then he dumped
me into a mud puddle. And then
he laughed.
(HE IMITATES A HORSE LAUGH)
SNAKE
Please, Jesse, never do that
laugh again. I'll blow up the
entire world if you do.
REBECCA
I promise, next time we go
riding we'll find you a horse
named Marshmallow.
JESSE
I think not. I've had a little
chat with my butt and we
decided there's not going to be
a next time. I'm never going
riding again.
SNAKE
No more talk about your ass. Please, for the love of god.
REBECCA
C'mon Jess, that's not fair. I
do all the things you want to
do.
JESSE
Like what?
REBECCA
Like go to hear your band play.
JESSE
Yeah, but that's fun.
SNAKE
No. No it isn't.
REBECCA
Well I think riding a horse is
fun.
JESSE
Yeah, well what do they sell
more of, CD's or ponies?
SNAKE
Well, they sell more ponies than
'your' CD's, that's for sure.
REBECCA
What kind of twisted mind comes
up with that?
JESSE
A mind that landed in the
mud. All right, all right.
Let's not start a big fight.
We're better off just not
talking about it. If you don't
want to go to the Smash Club
and hear me play tonight, then
skip it.
SNAKE
I know I will.
(GETTING ROMANTIC)
JESSE
Now come on. how about a nice
soothing back rub?
REBECCA
Well, okay. I could really use
one.
SNAKE
Get a hotel room.
(THEY LAUGH AND KISS)
(JESSE IMITATES HORSE LAUGH)
SNAKE
Well, I told you I'd blow up the world if you do that again.
(SNAKE BLOWS UP THE WORLD)
ANNOUNCER
Full House was filmed in front
of a live studio audience.
SCENE ONE
FADE IN:
EXT. BACKYARD - DAY
(JOEY FINISHES POURING A LARGE BAG OF
SAND INTO THE SANDBOX. DANNY LOOKS ON.
SNAKE IS PLAY CROQUET BY HIMSELF)
DANNY
Joey, is it really necessary to
put sand in the sandbox?
JOEY
This is our first time
babysitting Michelle's new
playgroup. Don't you want to
make a good impression on
Michelle's friends?
DANNY
Joey, they're three years
old. And you know that sand is
going to end up in my house.
Trapped in my carpet fibers,
hiding in our bedsheets,
glomming onto bars of soap,
and driving us into the street.
SNAKE
I hope it drives you into the street.
I hate you people, THIS IS MY HOUSE!
JOEY
Fine. We'll just leave it
empty. The kids will have lots
of fun building air castles.
(STEPHANIE ENTERS WITH AN APPLE IN HER
MOUTH)
STEPHANIE
Addy! Addy!
(STEPHANIE MUMBLES SOMETHING)
DANNY
Honey, I can't understand you
with that apple in your mouth.
SNAKE
She's saying how much she hates
you.
(DANNY PULLS THE APPLE OUT OF
STEPHANIE 'S MOUTH)
JESSE
Now what did you say?
STEPHANIE
I said don't pull that apple
out of my mouth.
JOEY
Look, your loose tooth is stuck
in the apple.
SNAKE
Yeesh. That's child abuse.
(STEPHANIE SEES HER TOOTH STUCK IN THE
APPLE)
STEPHANIE
It's out! What a relief. I
was jiggling it around with my
tongue for a week. It kept
hanging by this one little skin
string.
(THE GUYS CRINGE. SNAKE LAUGHS)
JOEY
We get the picture.
STEPHANIE
I'm gonna put this under my
pillow right now for the Tooth
Fairy! This thing is money in
the bank.
(SHE RUNS INTO THE HOUSE)
CUT TO:
SCENE TWO
INT. LIVING ROOM - COUNTINUOUS ACTION
(D.J. ENTERS DRESSED FOR HORSEBACK
RIDING. SNAKE IS SITTING ON THE COUCH)
D.J.
Hello?! I've got a greatstory
to tell! I nees someone to
tell it to!
SNAKE
Well you ain't telling it
to me, I hate you people.
(STEPHANIE COMES RUNNING IN FROM THE
KITCHEN)
STEPHANIE
Look! My tooth come out!
(SHE SHOWS HER THE APPLE)
D.J.
That's nothing. I jumped my
first fence today.
SNAKE
Oh yeah? Well I bought a new
pair of shoes today, and you
don't hear me gloating about
it!
STEPHANIE
Big deal. You didn't jump it,
your horse did.
SNAKE
Both of you! Shut up! I'm trying to eat my cereal!
D.J.
So, you didn't lose your tooth,
your gums did. I jumped a fence.
(THE GIRLS START UPSTAIRS)
SNAKE
Hey? Why're you going upstairs! YOU HAVE TO WASH THE DAMN DISHES!
STEPHANIE
That tooth fairy is gonna make
me a rich woman. I've never
heard of any fence fairy.
SNAKE
That's the worst joke I've ever heard.
Truly horrible. Worse than Jesse's
"Air Castle" line.
(THE GIRLS EXIT AS REBECCA ENTERS AT THE
FRONT DOOR. SHE CALLS BACK OUTSIDE)
REBECCA
C'mon partner, mosey on in here.
(JESSE LIMPS IN, BOWLEGGED AND
EXTREMELY SADDLE-SORE. HIS RIDING
CLOTHES ARE CAKED WITH MUD)
SNAKE
Ughhhh...This is going to be wrong, I
can tell already.
REBECCA
What an actor. You know you
had fun.
JESSE
That horse threw me on
purpose, He could've thrown me
anytime. But Diablo waited.
Waited three hours until my
body was wracked with pain.
Waited until we were five feet
from the barn. Then he dumped
me into a mud puddle. And then
he laughed.
(HE IMITATES A HORSE LAUGH)
SNAKE
Please, Jesse, never do that
laugh again. I'll blow up the
entire world if you do.
REBECCA
I promise, next time we go
riding we'll find you a horse
named Marshmallow.
JESSE
I think not. I've had a little
chat with my butt and we
decided there's not going to be
a next time. I'm never going
riding again.
SNAKE
No more talk about your ass. Please, for the love of god.
REBECCA
C'mon Jess, that's not fair. I
do all the things you want to
do.
JESSE
Like what?
REBECCA
Like go to hear your band play.
JESSE
Yeah, but that's fun.
SNAKE
No. No it isn't.
REBECCA
Well I think riding a horse is
fun.
JESSE
Yeah, well what do they sell
more of, CD's or ponies?
SNAKE
Well, they sell more ponies than
'your' CD's, that's for sure.
REBECCA
What kind of twisted mind comes
up with that?
JESSE
A mind that landed in the
mud. All right, all right.
Let's not start a big fight.
We're better off just not
talking about it. If you don't
want to go to the Smash Club
and hear me play tonight, then
skip it.
SNAKE
I know I will.
(GETTING ROMANTIC)
JESSE
Now come on. how about a nice
soothing back rub?
REBECCA
Well, okay. I could really use
one.
SNAKE
Get a hotel room.
(THEY LAUGH AND KISS)
(JESSE IMITATES HORSE LAUGH)
SNAKE
Well, I told you I'd blow up the world if you do that again.
(SNAKE BLOWS UP THE WORLD)
ANNOUNCER
Full House was filmed in front
of a live studio audience.
