Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

EXT. BACKYARD - DAY

(JOEY FINISHES POURING A LARGE BAG OF

SAND INTO THE SANDBOX. DANNY LOOKS ON.

SNAKE IS PLAY CROQUET BY HIMSELF)

DANNY

Joey, is it really necessary to

put sand in the sandbox?

JOEY

This is our first time

babysitting Michelle's new

playgroup. Don't you want to

make a good impression on

Michelle's friends?



DANNY

Joey, they're three years

old. And you know that sand is

going to end up in my house.

Trapped in my carpet fibers,

hiding in our bedsheets,

glomming onto bars of soap,

and driving us into the street.

SNAKE

I hope it drives you into the street.

I hate you people, THIS IS MY HOUSE!

JOEY

Fine. We'll just leave it

empty. The kids will have lots

of fun building air castles.

(STEPHANIE ENTERS WITH AN APPLE IN HER

MOUTH)

STEPHANIE

Addy! Addy!

(STEPHANIE MUMBLES SOMETHING)

DANNY

Honey, I can't understand you

with that apple in your mouth.

SNAKE

She's saying how much she hates

you.

(DANNY PULLS THE APPLE OUT OF

STEPHANIE 'S MOUTH)

JESSE

Now what did you say?

STEPHANIE

I said don't pull that apple

out of my mouth.



JOEY

Look, your loose tooth is stuck

in the apple.

SNAKE

Yeesh. That's child abuse.

(STEPHANIE SEES HER TOOTH STUCK IN THE

APPLE)

STEPHANIE

It's out! What a relief. I

was jiggling it around with my

tongue for a week. It kept

hanging by this one little skin

string.

(THE GUYS CRINGE. SNAKE LAUGHS)

JOEY

We get the picture.

STEPHANIE

I'm gonna put this under my

pillow right now for the Tooth

Fairy! This thing is money in

the bank.

(SHE RUNS INTO THE HOUSE)

CUT TO:



SCENE TWO

INT. LIVING ROOM - COUNTINUOUS ACTION

(D.J. ENTERS DRESSED FOR HORSEBACK

RIDING. SNAKE IS SITTING ON THE COUCH)

D.J.

Hello?! I've got a greatstory

to tell! I nees someone to

tell it to!

SNAKE

Well you ain't telling it

to me, I hate you people.

(STEPHANIE COMES RUNNING IN FROM THE

KITCHEN)

STEPHANIE

Look! My tooth come out!

(SHE SHOWS HER THE APPLE)

D.J.

That's nothing. I jumped my

first fence today.

SNAKE

Oh yeah? Well I bought a new

pair of shoes today, and you

don't hear me gloating about

it!

STEPHANIE

Big deal. You didn't jump it,

your horse did.

SNAKE

Both of you! Shut up! I'm trying to eat my cereal!

D.J.

So, you didn't lose your tooth,

your gums did. I jumped a fence.

(THE GIRLS START UPSTAIRS)

SNAKE

Hey? Why're you going upstairs! YOU HAVE TO WASH THE DAMN DISHES!

STEPHANIE

That tooth fairy is gonna make

me a rich woman. I've never

heard of any fence fairy.

SNAKE

That's the worst joke I've ever heard.

Truly horrible. Worse than Jesse's

"Air Castle" line.

(THE GIRLS EXIT AS REBECCA ENTERS AT THE

FRONT DOOR. SHE CALLS BACK OUTSIDE)

REBECCA

C'mon partner, mosey on in here.

(JESSE LIMPS IN, BOWLEGGED AND

EXTREMELY SADDLE-SORE. HIS RIDING

CLOTHES ARE CAKED WITH MUD)

SNAKE

Ughhhh...This is going to be wrong, I

can tell already.

REBECCA

What an actor. You know you

had fun.

JESSE

That horse threw me on

purpose, He could've thrown me

anytime. But Diablo waited.

Waited three hours until my

body was wracked with pain.

Waited until we were five feet

from the barn. Then he dumped

me into a mud puddle. And then

he laughed.

(HE IMITATES A HORSE LAUGH)

SNAKE

Please, Jesse, never do that

laugh again. I'll blow up the

entire world if you do.

REBECCA

I promise, next time we go

riding we'll find you a horse

named Marshmallow.

JESSE

I think not. I've had a little

chat with my butt and we

decided there's not going to be

a next time. I'm never going

riding again.

SNAKE

No more talk about your ass. Please, for the love of god.

REBECCA

C'mon Jess, that's not fair. I

do all the things you want to

do.

JESSE

Like what?

REBECCA

Like go to hear your band play.

JESSE

Yeah, but that's fun.

SNAKE

No. No it isn't.

REBECCA

Well I think riding a horse is

fun.

JESSE

Yeah, well what do they sell

more of, CD's or ponies?

SNAKE

Well, they sell more ponies than

'your' CD's, that's for sure.



REBECCA

What kind of twisted mind comes

up with that?

JESSE

A mind that landed in the

mud. All right, all right.

Let's not start a big fight.

We're better off just not

talking about it. If you don't

want to go to the Smash Club

and hear me play tonight, then

skip it.

SNAKE

I know I will.

(GETTING ROMANTIC)

JESSE

Now come on. how about a nice

soothing back rub?

REBECCA

Well, okay. I could really use

one.

SNAKE

Get a hotel room.

(THEY LAUGH AND KISS)

(JESSE IMITATES HORSE LAUGH)

SNAKE

Well, I told you I'd blow up the world if you do that again.

(SNAKE BLOWS UP THE WORLD)

ANNOUNCER

Full House was filmed in front

of a live studio audience.