Torture is FUN!: Camping with MKR

By Dragon Princess

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Hello again. I still don't own anything. I try to post weekly, but last Sunday I couldn't get on to the site. Anyway, I said in the prologue that the story was based on a real camping trip, but did you know that I started this while on said camping trip? It was such a bad, awful trip *cries at the memory*. I'm so glad I'm back in civilization where they have showers and the internet! Oh, and this chapter is dedicated to a friend of mine (can't give out her name) who is the Queen of the Deer Hunting Game at the arcade.

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Day 3//CAMPING

            "Where are we?"

            "I don't know. The last thing I remember is how they led her away with those friends of hers. That's all."

            "We will see her again… right?"

            "I don't know. But she'll be able to figure out what this place is really like… I hope…"

            Hikaru woke up on the ground, in the wilderness. Umi and Fuu were still asleep. The little thicket by the river seemed to be enchanted. A deer was grazing on a patch of flowers nearby. Hikaru reached out her hand to pet it. It was the softest thing she had ever felt.

            BANG

            The deer went sickeningly limp and flopped to the ground, dead. Blood spilled onto Hikaru's hiking boots. Hikaru saw Guide, holding a smoking pistol.

            "Heheheh," Guide chuckled. "Kid, grab him an' drag him to the cooking fire. We're having deer for breakfast!"

            In about an hour, the group was busy hiking to the campsite.

            "Breakfast was so gamy today," Umi complained. "Who would eat deer for breakfast? Then again, who would name a raft 'Raft'?"

            "Shut up and hike!" barked Guide.

            "Fun… must have fun," panted Hikaru. She was getting tired from the hike, but it seemed like she was forcing herself to have a good time. Guide led Hikaru and the others to the end of the trail. She parted some vines, and then…

            "Wow!" said Hikaru. "A camping village!"

            "More people camping?" Umi asked. "Why do people WANT to do this whole camping thing! Tell me! It would be easier just to wallow in the mud!"

            "I do believe that we'll have to build our own house," said Fuu.

            "Great!" yelled Umi. "Just great!"

            "We won't have to make our own house," said Guide.

            "Really?" asked Umi. "Thank you!"

            "Really!" replied Guide. "I have a nice house with satellite TV, and you guys get to sleep outside! You can't have a house!"

            "Oh."

            "Now, the first thing you'll do is work smashing rocks. We'll sell the gravel, I mean, this is a new, fun way to work out!"

            At the camping village, there were many little huts. Also, there was a whole area outside that campers slept in. In the center of it all was a huge house, which belonged to Guide.

            "This is the Homemade Arts and Crafts For Only $4.99 Plus Tax Hut," said Guide, giving the Magic Knights a tour of the place. "And this is the 'Farm-Raised Beef Tent (a mooing sound was heard), and the Souvenir Hut, and aha! Here's the Gravel Hut."

            "Is this some kind of child slave labor work camp?"  asked Umi.

            "NO!" yelled Guide. "We're here to have fun!" But she gave an angry look to Umi.

            "You.. you're making people kill those poor cows in the Farm-Raised Beef Tent, aren't you?!" yelled Hikaru.

            "Killing poor, defenseless animals builds character!" said Guide. "Little girl, you're supposed to be having fun!" A scared Hikaru only whimpered. "Now go and smash rocks in the gravel tent!"

            I would write about the Magic Knights smashing rocks, but it would be as interesting as watching someone brush their teeth. Here's the short version:

SMASH BANG "OW!" SMASH CRUSH "OW!"

            The "OW!" was Fuu accidentally hitting herself with the hammer, instead of hitting the rock.

            During their long day of hitting rocks with hammers, the three friends saw lots of other campers. Whenever Hikaru, or sometimes Fuu, tried to make friends with them, they only said "Working is great!" or "I love this trip!" or "I hope I never go home!" It seemed like all of them had spent "just a little" (read: waaaaaaaaay too much) time at this place.

            After rock smashing, Hikaru and Fuu found Umi remodeling the piece of ground Guide had given them to sleep on. It now had the same design as her room. Yep, that's right, Umi had finally snapped, and now thought she was still at home.

            "I need to fill up my hot tub!" Umi said. She grabbed all three canteens, and dumped them onto a piece of dirt. "Ooh, dot Hack is on! Come on, let's watch TV!" Umi sat in front of a large rock, and pushed another rock like it was a TV remote. She sang along (badly) with the dot Hack theme song as if the show was really on. She started at the TV rock and would not move for another half hour.  "Wow, that was a great episode!" she finally said. "They all went on a really sucky camping trip that was really a child slave labor camp! Now let's play a video game!" Umi was really off the deep end. Strange what going two days without a hair dryer does to some people. Umi picked up another rock, I mean, PlayStation2 controller, and started to play.

            "Miss Umi, we're camping!" Fuu yelled. "Not watching TV! Not playing video games! Camping! So act normal, like us! Hikaru's trying so hard to have a good time! Don't ruin everything with your problems!" Umi and Hikaru stared at Fuu. She never got THAT out of character unless she was really angry.

            Umi looked puzzled. "So does that mean you DON'T want to play video games? Ah, suit yourself," she said, and went back to playing video games with a rock.

            That night, after they had brushed their teeth (Umi made them go "down the hall" to her "bathroom" and then yelled at them when they didn't spit into the sink) and gotten into "bed" (again, Umi made them go to her "bed"), Umi murmured, "You know, I don't think those campers on TV were really happy. Every other happy thing was fake." Then Umi closed her eyes and went to sleep.

            From the bushes, where Guide was watching the misery, a very annoyed Guide said, "That girl knows too much. Something must be done…"