The Fates Have A Twisted Sense of Humor

By ArtikGato

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho. When I rule the world, however...

Author's Notes: I was in a stupid/weird mood when I wrote the last chapter. Could you tell?! Anyway, sorry I haven't updated in a while. Homework + other fics + laziness = few updates. Sorries. But I HAVE decided that this story will NOT be a lemon at any point. Sorry to all of you that wanted a lemon, especially you that wrote, and I quote, 'LEMON!! LEMON!! LEMON!! PLANT A LEMON TREE AND GROW LEMONS!!'.  I may change my mind and write an epilogue to it that IS a lemon (so you have no excuse to kill me...). I'd just like to thank EVERYONE that reviewed!! I have OVER 50 reviews, and for only ONE chapter!! I haven't gotten that kind of a response for any other story, one-shot or not! Thanks to you ALL!!  Now, I've lowered the rating, I've decided not to make it a lemon, and I'll try to stay IN CHARACTER, for all of you that said that Hiei and Botan were OUT of character...

Chapter Two

WHAM!!

            'The NERVE of some people!! He TACKLED me!! He actually TACKLED me!!'

            Botan's head screamed with pain, as she glared up at the smirking Hiei.

            "Well, that'll teach you to hit me in the head," he said. She continued to glare, but try as she may, he had her completely immobilized, pinned down to the ground.

            "Would you MIND?!" she demanded.

            "Do you surrender?" he asked.

            "What kind of question is THAT?!" she demanded.

            "Do you or do you NOT surrender?!" Hiei demanded.

            "If it will get me back on my feet sooner, then yes, I SURRENDER!" she yelled, furiously. His smirk grew, and suddenly he was standing by the tree, laughing. She sat up, one hand on her head.

            "That wasn't funny, Hiei! That hurt!!" she yelled.

            "So did your blasted oar!!" he yelled back, still smirking.

            "It's not like you haven't been hit in the head with WORSE, whereas most people don't go around TACKLING women! Where are your manners?!" she demanded.

            "Manners?" he asked, pretending to sound naïve.

            "AUGH!!" Botan exclaimed, and summoned her oar.

            "Whatever," she said, sitting on it. There were a few seconds of silence, and Botan continued to rub her head which still hurt.

            "Aren't you going to leave?" Hiei asked.

            "Not until you apologize," she replied, stubbornly.

            "Well, I'm afraid you'll be sitting there for a while," Hiei said, and sat down right where he was, "Because I'm don't apologize to ANYONE, EVER,"

            "Oh, I think you WILL apologize to me, Hiei no Baka!" Botan replied. Hiei's eyes widened, then thinned into a glare.

            "WHAT did you call me?!"

            "HIEI no BAKA!!" she exclaimed. Hiei seemed to radiate angriness.

            "BAKA NINGEN!!" Hiei replied.

            "KUSO YOUKAI!!" Botan yelled in response. Hiei stared at her for a few seconds. Then he started to laugh. Botan glared in contempt at him.

            "Wow...I didn't think you had it in you..." Hiei managed to say, before he collapsed into a fit of half-fake half-real laughter. Botan twitched.

            WHAM!!

            "Ow!! Ningen!" Hiei exclaimed, rubbing his head. Botan examined her oar in concern, and then glared at Hiei again.

            "There's a DENT in it from your STUPID THICK HEAD!!" she shrieked. Hiei looked thoroughly ticked off.

            "YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO HIT ME KUTTABACCHIMAE!!!" he yelled.

            Botan snapped. You could tell. She got REALLY red, her eyes were glowing white, and her hair was practically standing up on her head. She stalked over to Hiei, who had a smirk on his face.

            SMACK!!

            She walked away looking strangely calm, and Hiei rubbed his cheek where a huge red handprint was.

            "Hey!"

            "You deserved it, baka!" she replied. Hiei still rubbed his cheek.

            "Yeesh!! What ARE you, a DEMON?! I think you left an indention!" he yelled and ran after her, deciding that further revenge was in order. He couldn't kill her, as she was a human spirit (and being the Messenger of Death probably immortal anyway), but he could do LOADS of other stuff...

            "What NOW? Are you going to apologize or tackle me again?" Botan asked, sarcastically, turning around to face the demon. He smirked at her again.

            "Nope," he said. "And you can count out me apologizing. I haven't apologized to anyone YET and I'm CERTAINLY not going to start with a worthless ningen girl," Hiei said. Botan glared.

            "What?" she asked, but Hiei's form blurred and suddenly he reappeared behind her.

            "The one thing that I've learned is that girls get REALLY ticked off..." he started, and grabbed the end of the sash that held on her kimono, "...when THIS happens!" he exclaimed, and jumped backwards a few feet, taking the sash with him. Botan barely had the time to let out a started "ACK!" before she was a tangled mass of arms and pink clothing, trying desperately to keep her kimono on. Hiei reappeared in the tree above her, laughing like a maniac. He dropped the sash to her, still laughing. She glared up at him.

            "This is NOT funny Hiei!! I'm going to get you BACK for this ONE HUNDRED FOLD!! ARGH!!!" she cursed, which only made Hiei laugh harder. He eventually stopped laughing, but couldn't resist the occasional snicker as he watched Botan scramble and flail around frantically trying to put her kimono back on without showing any skin.

            'If that's her plan, she's failing horribly,' Hiei thought, as Botan suddenly somehow lost grip completely on her kimono...needless to say, she accidentally flashed Hiei. Hiei couldn't help but snicker, but then he started having...impure thoughts.

            "YOU HAD BETTER NOT HAVE BEEN LOOKING, PERVERT!!!" Botan shrieked, which made Hiei once again burst into laughter. "HEY!!! OH THAT'S IT, YOU'RE SO DEAD!!"

            After about twenty minutes of struggling, flailing and threatening unholy vengeance at Hiei, Botan finally got her kimono back on correctly, and proceeded to whap Hiei in the head with her oar...

            "Take THAT!! And THAT!! And THAT!! THAT THAT THAT THAT THAT THAT THAT!!!"

...countless numbers of times. Hiei made it out of the confrontation alive, but with a severely bruised head and two hand prints on his cheeks. He STILL had not apologized.

            "That hurt A LOT wench!" Hiei exclaimed.

            "You had it coming to you. You're LUCKY my oar broke, or else I would have cause WAY more damaged to your ALREADY FRACTURED HEAD!!" Botan replied, holding up the two pieces of her spirit oar. She frowned. "By the way, you owe me one Spirit Oar," she informed him. He shook his head.

            "There are three things I do not do. Number one, I don't apologize. Number two, I don't replace anything that I break or destroy. And number three...I do NOT each artichokes," Hiei said. Botan blinked.

            "What do you have against artichokes?" Botan asked. Hiei gagged.

            "They're gross!" he exclaimed. Botan got a really REALLY REALLY evil grin.

            "I promise I won't pester you for an apology or a replacement oar if you eat...TEN ARTICHOKES!!" Botan exclaimed. Hiei scoffed.

            "No way in Hell. And I could care less if you pester me until you're blue in the face, I WON'T EAT ARTICHOKES, YOU HEAR ME?!" Hiei shouted. Botan nodded.

            "All right...but where's my apology and new oar?"

            "Did you NOT JUST HEAR ME?!" Hiei demanded. Botan smirked.

            "Where's my apology, Hiei?!"

            "I DON'T APOLOGIZE!!"

            "YOU STILL OWE ME A NEW OAR!!"

            "ARGH!!"

One hour later...

            "Apologize!!"

            "NO!!"

            "Replace my oar!"

            "NO!!"

Meanwhile...

            Yusuke stood up from another unconscious demon. Kuwabara walked up carrying the limp carcass of what looked to be another demon. Kurama absentmindedly hummed a tune, with three bad guys suspended in the air wrapped in his thorn vines. He pretended to ignore them as they shouted words of surrender.

            "Okay, I guess we're done here! Now all we have to do is find Yukina!" Yusuke said. Kuwabara instantly struck a dramatic pose.

            "YUKINA MY ICE ANGEL, I WILL SAVE YOU!! KUWA-BABY IS ON HIS WAY!!!" Kuwabara shouted, and ran off. Kurama and Yusuke followed after him.

            "I don't know what's more disturbing about that sentence...the fact that he called Yukina an ice angel when she's clearly a demon..." Kurama started...

            "Or 'Kuwa-baby'," Yusuke finished. They both shuddered. Kuwabara suddenly burst dramatically through a set of double doors, followed by Kurama and Yusuke. They found themselves in an arena. An old guy with more wrinkles then there are words in the Declaration of Independence appeared before them.

            "Ah, the guests have arrived!" he said in one of those cheesy stereotypical Japanese old guy voices. He turned around. "Come on out now, boys!! Show them what you're made of!" he called, then he pranced off laughing stupidly. (you know "Ah ah ah! Yeesss...) Three huge hulking demon things stepped into the light.

            "My name is...DEATHSTRIKER!!" said the first one, who was dressed in all black and holding a fake looking sickle. The second stepped forward.

            "I am EVILPSYCHO!!" yelled the second, brandishing a few daggers that had blood (or maybe ketchup?) on them for effect. The final one stepped up, wearing a pink tutu and a pair of shorts.

            "My name is LISA-MAE!!!" he/she/it exclaimed. The other two hit he/she/it on the head.

            "No no Lisa-Mae!! You need to have a COOL and FOREBODING and EVIL name!! That is two words only written as one!" Deathstriker said.

            "Okay," Lisa-Mae said. Then she re-struck her dramatic pose.

            "I am...SUPERDEATHDESTROYERWOMAN!!" she said, then looked at her two older brothers for approval. They both gasped.

            "Lisa-Mae!! That name is BRILLIANT!!!" they both exclaimed.

            "Ahem," said Kuwabara. The three siblings turned to look at him. They snickered momentarily because of the freakish pink headband, but then they turned serious.

            "Prepare to die HUMANS...and you demon...but mostly HUMANS!!!" exclaimed Evilpsycho.

            "WHERE IS YUKINA?! IF YOU HURT HER I SWEAR I'LL CHOP YOUR ARMS OFF AND FEED THEM TO SHARKS!!!" Kuwabara threatened. Kurama and Yusuke looked at him as if he was an absolute moron. The three demons looked completely unfazed at this threat.

            "You want to see your ice princess?! Here she is!!"  said Deathstriker. More lights came from the ceiling and illuminated a chair, where Yukina was sitting, strapped down to the chair. She looked up, and saw Kuwabara.

            "Kuwabara!! You have come to rescue me again!! Please leave before you are hurt!!" Yukina shouted.

            "Yukina!! Don't worry, I'll rescue you!!" Kuwabara exclaimed.

            "What are we, chopped liver?" Kurama asked. Yusuke once again shrugged.

            "Let's fight then, if you're so anxious to save your little snow maiden!" Deathstriker exclaimed.

            "Yes let's!" Evilpsycho exclaimed.

            "Ooh ooh! Big brothers, can I play with the pretty pink haired one over there?!" requested Superdeathdestroyerwoman. Kurama looked a little miffed at this comment, but was silent.

            "Why yes you can!!" they both exclaimed.

            "But I call the stupid guy with the oil slick hair!" Evilpsycho exclaimed. Yusuke looked INCREDIBLY offended for no apparent reason.

            "You're ON!! You have a stupid name, ANYWAY!!!" Yusuke shrieked. All of the strange siblings gasped.

            "HOW DARE YOU MAKE FUN OF HIS WONDERFUL NAME!! HE SPENT HOURS ON THAT NAME!!!" yelled Deathstriker and Superdeathdestroyerwoman.

            "That's kinda pathetic..." said Kuwabara.

            "Shut up, you!! Let's fight!!" Deathstriker exclaimed, and launched himself at Kuwabara. Kuwabara formed his Spirit Sword and held it up. Deathstriker was impaled on the sword.

            "That was too easy. Your turn, Yusuke!" Kuwabara exclaimed, kicking Deathstriker's unconscious form away.

            "YOU KILLED OUR DEAR BROTHER!!" yelled Evilpyscho and Superdeathdestroyer...aww screw it, let's call her Superdeath!

            "Yaaay!" cheered Superdeath.

            "You're DEAD oil slick!" exclaimed Evilpsycho. Yusuke shot a tiny little miniscule Spirit Gun blast at him, and he hit the floor at Yusuke's feet, unconscious.

            "Well...that could have been tougher," Yusuke admitted.

           "Your turn, Kurama," both Yusuke and Kuwabara said, turning to him. Kurama looked skeptical.

            "You expect me to HARM a SWEET INNOCENT little girl?!" Kurama asked. They both shrugged. Superdeath wandered up to Kurama.

            "Mister pink hair person?" she asked.

            "It's MAGENTA, child, MAGENTA," Kurama said, looking down at her. She had tears in her eyes. Then she started screaming and crying.

            "WHY DID YOUR FRIENDS KILL MY BROTHERS?!" she demanded.

            "Your brothers aren't dead, they just made them...umm, go to sleep! I promise that if you pour cold water on them, they'll wake up..." Kurama started.

            "Yaaay!" she exclaimed, and ran off to get cold water. Kurama dragged her back GENTLY with a NON-THORNY rose whip.

            "Not yet, child!! You can wake them up AFTER we leave with Yukina!" Kurama told her. Kuwabara took that as his signal and went over and FREED Yukina!! Yay!

            "Yukina my love!" Kuwabara exclaimed.

            "Kuwabara my...uhm...Kuwabara!!" Yukina exclaimed, as they dove into eachother's arms and all that other kinda romance-ey stuff.

            "Play with me!!" exclaimed Superdeath as she pouted and continued to cry.

            "Okay okay, what do you want to play?" Kurama asked, humoring her. Superdeath smiled.

            "APOLOGIZE, BAKA!!"

            "NO, WENCH!!"

            "REPLACE MY OAR, YOUKAI!!"

            "NEVER, NINGEN!!"

            The two had started taking a step toward eachother once every insult when the insults started flying, and now they were now practically nose to nose. If you looked closely, you could see electricity crackling between their eyes.

            "APOLOGIZE, HIRETSUKAN!!"

            "NO CHANCE IN HELL, KONO YOGORE!"

            "APOLOGIZE!!"

            "Will you EVER shut up?!" Hiei demanded.

            "Yes, once you APOLOGIZE!!"  

            "Argh! How can I get her to SHUT THE HELL UP?! This is driving me insane!! Wait... I think I know a way...no, no, I can't kill her. Well, I CAN, but Koenma will undoubtedly make me do that blasted COMMUNITY SERVICE again!! So what can I do?!' Hiei thought, ignoring string of the 'Apologize now, baka!!'s. 'Hold on...yeah, this might work!'

            "DOBUTSU!! BAKA!! HIRETSU-" Botan yelled, but Hiei did something VERY unexpected: he grabbed her shoulders and kissed her.

            'Well...this is unexpected," Botan thought.

            'Hey it worked! She shut up! This is kinda nice...' Hiei thought. Then he mentally slapped himself. 'Stop thinking like that, baka!'

What will happen next? It's all up to you guys! Review and tell me what you think! (And another THANK YOU!! to everyone that reviewed...even those of you that weren't saying anything nice. A review is a review, right?

Bonus!!!

ArtikGato's 'How to Cuss in Japanese' Class!! (aka translations to all of the insults above)

Baka = stupid (a frequently used word in a LOT of my stories...)

Ningen = human

Youkai = demon

Kuso = pretty much all of the English cuss words used when a situation is not in your favor

Kuttabacchimae = female dog

Hiretsukan = stupid evil stupid...thing!!

Kono Yogore = piece of filth

Dobutsu = animal

Yay! Now you too can have incredibly bad words in your stories but still call them PG! ^_^'